FLIP IT!

 

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Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

The Five Stages Of Change

 

We have said it before. We have written about it before. Real change is real hard.

I was reminded of this recently when I was reading through a book written by a therapist. She was presenting the Transtheoretical Model (TTM) of change (Prochaska and DiClemente). It is the idea that change happens in stages. This particular model has 5 primary stages, although I have heard of other models having up to 8 stages.

I think it is helpful to expect change to occur over a period of time, rather than all at once. I have a friend who was struggling with substance abuse who was able to make a radical pivot in his life and never look back. He stands out in my mind because this kind of change is rare. Yes, there are miracles – and we pray for them. But mostly we have to do the hard work to acquire the results we desire.

So what are the stages of the TTM model?

Stage 1: Precontemplation

This is the denial stage. There is little or no awareness that a change is needed. It will probably take some sort of trigger event to move someone into the next stage. It might be a severe medical warning from a doctor or a threat of divorce.

Stage 2: Contemplation

This is the phase where a person starts thinking of the pros and cons of making a change. The denial is broken, but the reality of the challenge becomes apparent. Will it be worth it? It is really necessary? Can I do it?

Stage 3: Preparation or Determination

In this stage a person will not just think about the change, but make the decision whether to move forward or abandon the change. They may take some action. For example they might inquire about a therapist, coach or program. Or they may gather materials needed for the change and start educating themselves. This is also the stage that lends itself most to procrastination.

Stage 4: Action

This is the stage where there is a behavioral change. The diet program is followed. Morning devotions are started. Their attitude becomes positive and encouraging instead of critical and angry.

Stage 5: Maintenance or Perseverance

For me, this is the hardest stage. It means breaking a pattern or habit. I seem to be able to make temporary changes pretty easily. It’s keeping it moving that is hardest for me and probably for most. I have always told clients that my definition of trust is consistency over time. Often couples in counseling can be nice to each other for a short time, but then fall back into their bad habits.

Every stage of the change process can benefit by being covered in prayer. But I am thinking that praying Psalm 139: 23-24 for stage 1 might be a great start.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“

Plugging Up The Leaks

I have a really bad habit of eating while driving. I developed it from years spent driving from office to office during traffic hours. Although things have changed recently in that department, old habits die hard. So on the way to counsel this morning I was driving with one hand and eating a breakfast burrito with the other. Since I had my eyes on the road (aren’t you thankful for that) I didn’t notice the back end of the burrito leaking through 3 layers of napkins. Drip, drip, and drip onto my shirt and jeans. I couldn’t see it and I couldn’t feel it. But Nan could.

That’s kind of a picture of my life, and maybe yours as well. While my attention is focused in one direction, my bad habits are leaking in another, and I’m either totally unaware or cognitively impervious.

What am I leaking?

It could be all kinds of things. It could be my proclivity to be short or critical with my words when I am focused on getting somewhere in a hurry. It could be my tendency to be stingy with money when we are supposed to be celebrating. It could be my need to be heard, trampling on other people’s feelings who want to be included in the conversation. Whatever it might be, others are observing the drips and their effects, but I am not.

Where I make things worse is when I don’t want those drips to be brought to my attention. I was grateful when Nan wanted to help clean my shirt and pants, but there are other areas where I would rather she just ignore the flaws. And sometimes it is wisdom on her part when she lets some of those things go. But the Bible says:    

Proverbs 27:6 The Message (MSG)
⁶ The wounds from a lover are worth it;
   kisses from an enemy do you in. 

I like that translation – other versions substitute the word “friend” instead of lover, but those who truly love me will risk telling me the truth, even if it is awkward or risky.

Ask yourself this question:

“Am I correctable?”

Can I hear what I don’t want to hear, even if it is good for me and the relationships that I value, or have I put up barriers to protect a fragile sense of self, or an arrogant persona? That condition will separate me from intimacy with others. I have done that in my marriage and perhaps you have too. When I am yielded to Christ I am much less likely to do that – but oh, how hard that can be when my defenses are up and my habits are entrenched.

Where do you think you might be leaking? Is it because of an oversight due to having your eyes fixed on the wrong things? Can you be gentle but honest with yourself?

By the way, the spots came out of my shirt and pants, albeit reluctantly. There is always hope, and with some perseverance and a little assistance from caring others you can clean up the mess, and plug up the leaks as well.