The Five Stages Of Change

 

We have said it before. We have written about it before. Real change is real hard.

I was reminded of this recently when I was reading through a book written by a therapist. She was presenting the Transtheoretical Model (TTM) of change (Prochaska and DiClemente). It is the idea that change happens in stages. This particular model has 5 primary stages, although I have heard of other models having up to 8 stages.

I think it is helpful to expect change to occur over a period of time, rather than all at once. I have a friend who was struggling with substance abuse who was able to make a radical pivot in his life and never look back. He stands out in my mind because this kind of change is rare. Yes, there are miracles – and we pray for them. But mostly we have to do the hard work to acquire the results we desire.

So what are the stages of the TTM model?

Stage 1: Precontemplation

This is the denial stage. There is little or no awareness that a change is needed. It will probably take some sort of trigger event to move someone into the next stage. It might be a severe medical warning from a doctor or a threat of divorce.

Stage 2: Contemplation

This is the phase where a person starts thinking of the pros and cons of making a change. The denial is broken, but the reality of the challenge becomes apparent. Will it be worth it? It is really necessary? Can I do it?

Stage 3: Preparation or Determination

In this stage a person will not just think about the change, but make the decision whether to move forward or abandon the change. They may take some action. For example they might inquire about a therapist, coach or program. Or they may gather materials needed for the change and start educating themselves. This is also the stage that lends itself most to procrastination.

Stage 4: Action

This is the stage where there is a behavioral change. The diet program is followed. Morning devotions are started. Their attitude becomes positive and encouraging instead of critical and angry.

Stage 5: Maintenance or Perseverance

For me, this is the hardest stage. It means breaking a pattern or habit. I seem to be able to make temporary changes pretty easily. It’s keeping it moving that is hardest for me and probably for most. I have always told clients that my definition of trust is consistency over time. Often couples in counseling can be nice to each other for a short time, but then fall back into their bad habits.

Every stage of the change process can benefit by being covered in prayer. But I am thinking that praying Psalm 139: 23-24 for stage 1 might be a great start.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“

Are You One Of The Motivated People?

 

“The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.” Edwin H. Friedman

We tell people all the time that “unasked for advice will always be received as criticism”. Yet, especially with couples, it seems to often fall on deaf ears. As I read the above quote from Ed Friedman, it occurs to me that criticism is a poor motivator for positive change. And the only change I can expect is the one I impose on myself. I believe that positive, but realistic self-talk is a key element in the change process. Getting a grip on my internal narrative is life changing. My thoughts are powerful. My God directed dialog (prayer) breaks the mental logjam.

Also, as Friedman stated, staying connected, not moving against another person is an important part of the process. That’s hard to do when your feelings are high. But hard is not bad. Sinning is bad. (And “don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” Ephesians 4:26)

In counseling we use insight as one of the tools for change. Its effectiveness is dependent on a client’s willingness to be influenced by the counselor’s observations. There are those who are truly desiring to get free of whatever is troubling them and get better. But there are others whose only goal is to feel better, not get healthier. Those are the unmotivated people Friedman is referring to.

It is easy to spot unmotivated clients. They talk about others, not themselves. They are world class blameshifters and complainers. In anger they may set goals for others with a self-righteous attitude. And their relationships never change or end up getting worse. Why? They set powerless goals.

I had a family member who fit into that category. They wanted my ear for complaints, but did not actually want to change themselves to make things better. I got bored with the repetitive complaints and I finally set a boundary (I decided to change myself). I suggested a prayer partner for the person instead of counseling. The response: “I just want to be heard. I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems.” Ouch! The truth. But I held my boundary to not listen to complaints about others. The result? Crickets.

This is not the only possible outcome. Sometimes clients will eventually understand. In humility they will admit their powerlessness and accept insight that leads to real progress. They are the clients I love. Often the hurts have been deep and the defenses have been necessary for survival. Surrendering means grief or facing fears.

Do you have the courage to look inward for solutions? Can you focus on what you can do rather than blame others, even though they may largely be at fault? Can you shift to a more positive attitude? Can you just be silent when your words will only escalate a conflict? Can you admit that most of what you express may be your opinion rather than absolute fact, that you might be missing important details? Can you let God be the judge and not you? I know, tough stuff.

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” Luke 6:41-42

Ineffective Habits In Relationships

I think most everyone has heard of Stephen Covey's “Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People” - a huge bestseller, especially in the business world. In the preface of a more current book “Principle Centered Leadership”, he notes his brother John's (a master teacher) list of seven habits of highly ineffective people. Although the list is generally intended to be applied to business situations, I thought they were worth mentioning and commenting on in the context of relationships.

If you do any of the following you are at risk.

1. Be reactive: doubt yourself and blame others.

Reactivity is a killer in relationships. It makes couples angry or afraid, leading to defensiveness

and distancing. Emotions under control lead to understanding and empathy.

2. Work without any clear end in mind.

So many relationships go nowhere for years. I hear all the time of people dating for five, six or seven years with no clear idea if they are right for each other and should get married or break it off. They may get married eventually as a default rather than a choice, or get back into the dating pool at an age when it is more difficult to connect.

3. Do the urgent thing first.

This habit usually leads to relationship neglect. When I have my priorities out of whack I will probably sacrifice my closest relationships first, expecting them to understand. The goal here is to discern urgent from important. Many things are urgent but not important. I must give priority to the important things in life.

4. Think win/lose.

If this is my habit, I will eventually alienate the one I love. I will find myself winning skirmishes and losing intimacy in the relationship. Instead I must develop the habit of thinking “If we as a couple win, I win.”

5. Seek first to be understood.

If this is my goal I will probably wonder why my mate is tuning me out. I am more interested in a monologue than I am in a dialogue. It is said that God gave us two ears but only one mouth for a reason.

     6.  If you can’t win, compromise (your integrity).

Compromise is the only good solution in relationships unless it is your integrity, your values, or your good character qualities that are on the line. Then you will certainly lose what is most important. However we must be very careful that we do not operate in a self-righteous way when defending these aspects.

    7.  Fear change and put off improvement.

Most growth is difficult and often anxiety-producing. What if I change, but my mate does not? Will my position become weaker in this relationship? A better question is what are the risks of not changing when necessary. What would God want from me in this area? Change is inevitable. It becomes our friend when we embrace it and our enemy when we resist it.

I'm sure that we could come up with a much bigger list if we thought about it, but I think this is a great beginning. Which ones seem hardest for you to accept? Which ones do you want to work on?

Change Happens!

          

This year a good friend is moving to another state, and that is just so wrong! Well, wrong for me, anyway.  

Living in Los Angeles, it seems that people around me make major changes all the time. Not just the normal ones like getting married and having kids or changing jobs, but really significant changes that move them out of my daily life.

So, how well do I adjust to change? How do I cope with it?

I am working on three things: grieving, celebrating and re-engaging.

The grieving part I can often overlook. It’s the part where I realize that although the change is a great gain for the other person, it feels like a deep loss for me. I have intentionally told the person how much I will miss her, and been able to feel some sadness. I’ve had times of feeling angry about change, mostly because Dave and I aren’t the ones making it! (It’s kind of like “What about me? Don’t I get to change? We've lived in the same house for 36 years.”) Of course, that’s just the anger stage of grief talking.

Dave says that women do grief better than guys. Oddly, I actually somewhat enjoy the process. I think it is because when I remember my friend, I think of all the great memories of activities and conversations we have had over the years. There is a part of her that will always remain with me, in how I see things, because she has been in my life, and that brings great joy.

Celebrating this person will be easy. She has many friends who also love her as I do. I don’t know what we will do to celebrate her yet, but I know we will. We can share stories of our experience, tell her what we will miss about her and let her know about the lasting impact she has had on our lives. Celebrating her helps us adjust to the change.

The re-engaging part is last. Building new relationships, after the loss of a close one takes more time and effort than I want to give. But, it is an important, and good part of life. Building those new relationships helps create new memories and new opportunities. I also need to reconnect with my friend who is moving, and relate to her in a new way. I am prone to emotional cut-off rather than ongoing connection. So, it will take conscious effort to stay connected through the change. Thanks to all the new technologies, it will be easier than ever. Thank you Skype video!

When all is said and done, I guess change doesn't have to be so bad after all.