Loopholes

 In Christian circles we often talk about legalism or “living under the law” vs. “living under grace”.

Those who have been hurt, but have not fully embraced forgiveness, are often looking for justice. It is understandable from a human perspective. Then there is another side to the equation – those, because of their wrongdoings, who are trying to escape justice and receive mercy, or better yet, grace. That too is an understandable position.

Justice is getting what you deserve

Mercy is not getting bad things that you deserve (punishment or retribution)

Grace is getting good things that you absolutely do not deserve (unearned)

I really admire those who search the scriptures diligently so that they can fully follow God in the way they conduct themselves in life and relationships. But there is another way that scriptures can be used as well – as a rationalization to punish, control or avoid. This is where loopholes come into the picture.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a loophole as:

1. An error in the way a law, rule, or contract is written that makes it possible for some people to legally avoid obeying it.

2. A means of escape; especially: an ambiguity or omission in the text through which the intent of a statute, contract, or obligation may be evaded.

Are you looking for loopholes in the scripture to justify your wrong desires or behaviors?

In definition #2 above it clearly states that there is an intent in statutes or laws that is to be understood and followed. This is what law abiding or good-hearted people seek to incorporate into their personal life script. (For purposes of this discussion I am not talking about occasions where man’s laws and God’s laws are in conflict).

When seeking justice do you ignore the scriptures that call for forgiveness, mercy, turning the other cheek (and many more) in favor of “an eye for an eye”?

When trying to justify immoral sexual behaviors do you minutely examine words like “fornication” or “purity” or others hoping that God’s intent for us as Christians has been incorrectly interpreted by the church for centuries?

When wanting to blame, shame, criticize or control someone do you quote scriptures that speak about ‘iron sharpening iron” or “faithful are the wounds of a friend” or “confronting sin”? Are you truly concerned for them, or are you really trying to exercise power over them?

The Bible tells us that God is concerned about our hearts out of love for us. When our hearts aren’t right, our lives and our world is not right. Matters of justice are tricky and best left for God to deal with. It is said that we want justice for others, but mercy and grace for ourselves. So, are you most interested in the “letter of the law” or “the intent of the law”?

Loopholes are our way of trying to return power and control to ourselves (leaning on our own understanding) instead of trusting that God’s ways are good.

Ineffective Habits In Relationships

I think most everyone has heard of Stephen Covey's “Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People” - a huge bestseller, especially in the business world. In the preface of a more current book “Principle Centered Leadership”, he notes his brother John's (a master teacher) list of seven habits of highly ineffective people. Although the list is generally intended to be applied to business situations, I thought they were worth mentioning and commenting on in the context of relationships.

If you do any of the following you are at risk.

1. Be reactive: doubt yourself and blame others.

Reactivity is a killer in relationships. It makes couples angry or afraid, leading to defensiveness

and distancing. Emotions under control lead to understanding and empathy.

2. Work without any clear end in mind.

So many relationships go nowhere for years. I hear all the time of people dating for five, six or seven years with no clear idea if they are right for each other and should get married or break it off. They may get married eventually as a default rather than a choice, or get back into the dating pool at an age when it is more difficult to connect.

3. Do the urgent thing first.

This habit usually leads to relationship neglect. When I have my priorities out of whack I will probably sacrifice my closest relationships first, expecting them to understand. The goal here is to discern urgent from important. Many things are urgent but not important. I must give priority to the important things in life.

4. Think win/lose.

If this is my habit, I will eventually alienate the one I love. I will find myself winning skirmishes and losing intimacy in the relationship. Instead I must develop the habit of thinking “If we as a couple win, I win.”

5. Seek first to be understood.

If this is my goal I will probably wonder why my mate is tuning me out. I am more interested in a monologue than I am in a dialogue. It is said that God gave us two ears but only one mouth for a reason.

     6.  If you can’t win, compromise (your integrity).

Compromise is the only good solution in relationships unless it is your integrity, your values, or your good character qualities that are on the line. Then you will certainly lose what is most important. However we must be very careful that we do not operate in a self-righteous way when defending these aspects.

    7.  Fear change and put off improvement.

Most growth is difficult and often anxiety-producing. What if I change, but my mate does not? Will my position become weaker in this relationship? A better question is what are the risks of not changing when necessary. What would God want from me in this area? Change is inevitable. It becomes our friend when we embrace it and our enemy when we resist it.

I'm sure that we could come up with a much bigger list if we thought about it, but I think this is a great beginning. Which ones seem hardest for you to accept? Which ones do you want to work on?