I’m Divorcing - When Can I Date Again?

Over the years Nan and I have had to deal with the changing attitudes in our culture when it comes to moral issues. Some of them are very controversial. Others are at best  reluctantly accepted as something to struggle with.

Among these issues are premarital sex and living together before marriage (cohabiting).

We have noticed that the acceptance among believing Christians has increased significantly in these areas. Even when statistics show that success and satisfaction in marriage and relationships decreases as a result of these decisions, there is a resistance to push back against the cultural pressures.

Some will cite financial advantages as to why they cohabit, while others will point out  that holding sexual boundaries are unrealistic given our sex saturated environment. But our experience is that many that we see are faithful to follow what they understand to be God’s plan for them as a couple.

As counselors, we try our best to handle these issues with as much grace as we can without abandoning truth, as we understand it, from our biblical worldview. However there is one place where we are uncompromising in our advice and that is the essential need to keep boundaries while going through a divorce.

It is very unpopular when we tell people they are not free to date until they are completely divorced.

We have a lot of compassion for divorcing people. They have gone through a lot of pain. They may have been very lonely in their marriage for a long time. Their spouse may have cheated on them and broken the marriage vows. They feel a deep need for comfort and to believe that there will be a positive future. But we do not believe that gives them permission to break their marriage vows.

God’s grace allows divorce. And sometimes we can support a divorce. But we also understand that until a divorce is final, it is a separation, whether physical or emotional. That is why dating must be delayed. Besides, going from one relationship to another often does not allow for adequate recovery and healing to take place.

What is interesting is that the same reasons unmarried couples use to defend cohabiting are also the same ones separated couples use to justify forming relationships prematurely. And unfortunately many times children are also brought into this unstable and chaotic mix.

Regardless of the rationalizations that may surface in your mind, hold fast to your integrity during this difficult, discouraging and painful transition. Let God and friends be your comfort until you are once again free to date.