For this week I am going to post an article from a former
colleague of Nan ’s that she wrote some time
ago for a magazine. I think her observations are spot on.
What Men Want From Women – The Basics
Karen McQuade M.S.
“What do men want?” women often wonder. Although most men do
think a lot about sex, and it is very important to them, they so value other
things in a relationship, too. Ladies, it’s simpler than you might think.
1) A man wants a
woman who is glad that he is in her life. A man wants to feel welcome in
the life of the woman he’s involved with. He wants a woman who enjoys his
company. He does not want to be continually criticized or corrected. He’d like
to feel he pleases her. If you can’t be happy with him as he is now, ask
yourself why that is. Men do not want to be your home improvement project.
2) Men want to be
valued for their contributions. Men are more action-based than word-based.
A man wants to hear that the woman in his life appreciates what he does. He wants his contributions to be
thought of as valuable to her and to the family as a whole. Make it a habit to
express your appreciation frequently for what he does.
3) Men want their
efforts at change to be recognized. Men get very discouraged when they
change their behavior and hear angry words like, “Now, why can’t you do that all
the time?” Men would prefer, “Thank you, honey, I really appreciate that.” A man wants to know his efforts to change his behavior and to please his partner make
a difference in their relationship and that she feels good about him and their
relationship when he does change.
4) Men want women who
understand women’s words are powerful. Women are verbally adept, and can
easily hurt others by what they say. We often see men as tough, but actually
men are easily hurt by words. Men want relationships with women who are
conscious of the effect their words can have on others. They want caring women
who take responsibility for the words and tone they use. Watch your words, and
don’t be cruel.
5) Men want an
activity companion. Men are doers, not talkers. To men, meaningful
interaction is often what they do with others. So men want women who
will spend time doing things with them and enjoy it. Men find that meaningful
and satisfying, even if the two of you don’t talk much. Learn to appreciate just
being together sometimes. Talking isn’t everything.
6) Men usually like
their conversations brief and orderly. Men prefer that you tell them one
thing at a time in a relatively orderly fashion. Write down long lists of
things you want done, and get to the point before they lost or lose interest.
Women usually are very verbal and
don’t always talk concisely or in a particular order, which is fine when
talking with most women, but is very confusing and frustrating to most men. Remember,
men are not chatty, so don’t ramble too much. Condense, and get to the point.
Save most of the conversational strolls into the recesses of your soul for your
female friends.
7) Men want a woman
who has a life. A healthy man is attracted by a woman who has a life to
share with him, not by a woman who wants him to be her life. Most men get
anxious around a woman who expects that merely having him will solve all her problems.
To be a woman’s sole source of fulfillment and happiness is too heavy a burden
for any man. Relationships require that you have a strong sense of self and
varied interests in life.
8) Men want peace.
Men want their relationships with women to be a nurturing, peaceful, and loving
refuge from the world. Men do not want a contentious home or relationship. They
want women who are not easily offended or easily upset, or impossible to please. They
want positive, caring interactions to be the norm. Constant anger, discontent,
and unhappiness drive men away. If you tend to be negative, discontent, or
irritable, seek professional help in overcoming those tendencies. These
tendencies do not work well in a relationship.
9) Men want women to
know that women’s emotions can be overwhelming to men. Men do not even want
to talk at length about their own feelings or to examine them in
great detail. They find women stressful who love to have frequent, long
conversations about feelings and the state of the relationship. Although some
talk of feelings and the state of the relationship is necessary, frequent,
intense conversations like this will cause men to get overloaded and shut down
emotionally. If you want a companion and not a zombie, let it be a seasoning, not a
main dish.
10) Men do not want
to be controlled or engulfed. Most men fear losing themselves in
relationship. In healthy relationships people discuss important issues, what
they are doing, and how it affects the other. Spouses also keep each other
informed of their schedules. However, men do not want to feel their wives or
girlfriends grant them permission to do things. Healthy men do not mind working
out mutual solutions to problems, but men panic and resist if they feel a woman
is trying to control their every move. A man can love a woman and still need
time away from her. A man needs to feels his own separateness to be in relationship
in order to be emotionally intimate with a woman. Respect his separateness and
his differences. Be his companion and partner, not his boss or his Siamese
twin.
If you can be the woman I’ve described, or can work toward
being that woman, healthy men will be very happy with you.
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