I am usually pretty good at empathy in the counseling room.
I am focused and listening at a deep level. But when it comes to Nan , well, I could use some help. The “man gene” kicks in
and I begin leaning toward the “analysis and fixing” mode. Nan
is not impressed with my skills in those moments.
Worse yet, there are times when I offer criticism or
judgment instead of empathy. Now I have entered the relational danger zone.
The ability to understand another person’s experience and
feelings is what creates a bond between two people. When we feel empathy in the
small and large sufferings we go through in life, somehow we feel less alone,
and therefore more resilient to the painful stuff life dishes out.
This is a generalization, but often when couples try to
communicate awkward or emotionally painful feelings, they miss each other. Men
will often show understanding for each other by joking, or giving advice, while
women will express feelings of support and concern. If she is met with humor,
or advice, she can feel unheard or uncared for, even as he is attempting to
connect. And for a guy, too much empathy might make him feel uncomfortable, but
too little will communicate disinterest in his concerns. It’s an intricate
dance that has to be learned.
So, how can couples connect at a deeper level? How can they
show understanding to one another in a way that is meaningful to their
partner? The first thing is to ask your
partner if he/she wants to talk about this issue, then to let them know what
you need. Both people need to be open to
change for the sake of their partner.
All change feels awkward and out of character at first. If you see your
partner making an effort to be more empathetic, encourage him/her; the behavior
will become more natural with time and understanding.
Often people
will confuse sympathy, with empathy. The former will create distance, while the
latter will produce closeness and emotional connection. Brene Brown has a
wonderful illustration of the difference on YouTube. It is a short animated
clip – and if you haven’t seen it, I would recommend you watch it now.
After watching
the video it occurred to me that we should change an entire classification of greeting
cards from “sympathy cards” to “empathy cards”.
Does that sound weird or a great idea?
So how do you
respond when faced with someone else’s pain – with sympathy or empathy?
Bear one another’s burdens,
and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2.
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