One Big Obstacle to Counseling Success

It was another really hard session – tempers were up and hope was down. Nan and I had tried for months to get this couple on track. They were both devout Christians and really good willed people. It seemed like every positive move was sabotaged by another destructive one. Although we had our suspicions, we couldn’t definitively pinpoint the problem person in the relationship. Was one spouse just too passive or was the other too aggressive? Did we have a well concealed addict and a co-dependent unwilling to speak up?

As it turned out, it was neither. We had an undiagnosed disorder that was unpredictable. You might think figuring this out would be a big victory, but it wasn’t at first. Now we had the task of convincing both spouses that it needed treatment beyond talk – to us and God. It required medication for any real change to take place. But there was resistance. Why? It was a twofold problem. The couple came from a religious tradition that believed that taking medication meant that one lacked faith in God’s power to heal. And the second reason was that to seek a medical solution meant having to humble oneself and admit that they were the problem or at least a large part of it and not their spouse.

What finally happened?  As I said earlier, these people were good willed people who were truly committed to following Christ. Humility paved the way to surrender, and we were able to get them to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, who accurately treated the disorder. After that we were able to make real progress in counseling. Grace reigned as they dealt with issues of resentments and the subsequent forgiveness. Yes, both people did have a part in the problem, but the disorder prevented them from making progress. Instead they got stuck in an endless cycle of blame and defend. The medication changed the entire atmosphere of the counseling sessions. They got unstuck.

What ultimately is needed in these situations? 

• Humility – a willingness to investigate the possibility that you might need additional medical help. Sometimes it is not a belief that holds a person back, but just plain stubbornness (sin). We have actually identified the problem, understand that the most effective solution would be medication, but the person wants other people to accommodate their dysfunctional behaviors rather than have to take a step that feels distasteful to them.

• Kindness – anger will never move a couple or individual forward. 

• Courage – it is difficult to move beyond our fears and closely held beliefs. 

• Embracing Grief – It may require embracing the loss that comes with surrender. What loss? The feeling of loss of control or power, the loss of my belief that I am right and you are wrong or something else similar 

Two Cautions 

First, know that medication alone is not sufficient to deal with the problem -- it takes a combination of medication and counseling to deal effectively with the issue. The second caution is never go off the medication without a doctor's approval. There is a tendency to start feeling much better after a while and then believe that everything is great. You are feeling better because you are taking the medication. Listen to the doctor's instructions carefully and follow his/her advice.

I really love this talk from Pastor Tommy Nelson on his fight with depression. He embodies the things I have been talking about.

 Click the link and enjoy! 

A Christian Looks at Depression 

Proverbs 15:22 (ESV) Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.

Facebook or “Disgracebook”?

Okay, I was just trying to attract your attention with the blog title. I’ll admit it up front. But I have been thinking about social media and it’s effects on our culture, both positive and negative. I think it is wonderful to see the updates in friends’ lives – weddings, babies born, new pets, job changes – all the good things that make up our journey on this earth. But there are things that concern me, some deeply.  

It is natural to compare ourselves to others and social media is a perfect platform to evaluate our relative status. I have heard that kids in their teens can become depressed when they see friends participating in activities that they have not been invited or allowed to join. This leaves them feeling less popular, isolated and anxious. It is true that kids are probably physically safer in their rooms at home, connected with others online. But from an emotional standpoint, they are at a higher risk of mental struggles, even suicide. From a developmental perspective they miss out on the subtleties of face-to-face connection. There are facial cues and body language interpretation skills that are underdeveloped when they don’t spend enough time around others.

Another concern that I have is that we tend to post our “wins” on social media, and not our losses. This gives an incomplete picture of our lives and promotes envy from others who are comparing themselves to us. I believe this could be borderline dishonest or at least really unhelpful. Consider the following possibilities:

• I’m struggling financially and you post pictures of your expensive vacation or new car.

• My kids have never been “student of the month”, but yours have.

• I’m single and you boast of married bliss (and keep posting your wedding pictures)

• I hate my job and you seem to keep advancing in your career joyfully and effortlessly.

You get the point, I’m sure. Maybe if we also shared our places of disappointment and discouragement, others would not feel so alone.

I also think we can risk looking superior as we post our wins, but others’ failures. We won’t comment on personal relationships (unless we are really toxic), but we feel entitled to share all kinds of negative opinions about situations we are not part of, and people we don’t know. The result is we can make ourselves appear unsafe to others. People may distance from us and we won’t know why. Our intention might be to be part of a solution, but really we are just part of the problem. I have noticed that people with no real solutions will often shout on social media, but people with viable solutions will quietly take action.

What I want to suggest is that we can use social media to lift people up as much as we lift ourselves up. And I think sharing (appropriately and wisely) some of the struggles we face will draw people towards us. Finally, by steering clear of shaming, blaming and criticizing we will be following the closing blessing that we often hear at church:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14