Stress and Anxiety

I tend to write fairly often about the subjects of stress and anxiety. Why? Statistics show that about 1 in 5 of the adult population of the US are affected by an anxiety disorder each year. 31% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder sometime in their life. For adolescents the percentage is slightly higher at 32%. That would make it the #1 issue facing the mental health community.  

How is stress different from anxiety?

Stress is your response to a change in your environment, be it positive or negative. Anxiety is an emotion that’s characterized by a feeling of apprehension, nervousness, or fear.  Acute anxiety is temporary, like a roller coaster ride, and can be positive, whereas chronic anxiety is pervasive and long term and likely to cause very negative results.

Chronic stress is long-term stress, such as that caused by traumatic events or miserable living conditions. Untreated chronic stress can contribute to major depressive disorder, a form of intense depression that lasts for long periods and can prevent someone from living a normal life. Chronic stress also can contribute to physical illnesses, including high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

Money, work, and the economy continues to be the most cited (75%) causes of stress for Americans.

I see stress separate from distress. Whenever I visit a brand new place, particularly when it is very unfamiliar, I tend to feel stress. But I am not distressed, just excited. Distress comes when I cannot maintain a degree of control in the new environment.

Here are some truths about stress and some myth-busters.

• Stress does not cause your hair to turn grey.
• Cuddling your pet, significant other, child or listening to music lowers your stress. 
• Stress does not cause ulcers, it just makes them worse. 
• There is no link between stress and infertility. 
• According to the American Cancer Society, no definite link between stress and cancer has been found. 
• Stress can cause erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. 
• Women are twice as likely as men to be affected by generalized anxiety disorder. 
• Daily exercise greatly helps to reduce the effects of stress. 
• Anger or hostility releases stress hormones into the blood and can cause heart problems. 
• Smoking cigarettes does not reduce stress. 

Focusing on the positive (gratitude), speaking soothing words to yourself, praying and practicing deep breathing can be very helpful. The combination of medications and psychotherapy is highly effective with anxiety issues. 70-90% of people experience an improvement.  

Learn to set realistic goals for yourself at home and at work, and have good boundaries with people. If it is hard for you to say “no”, then you need to enlist some help. Prepare for change as far in advance as you can, and lower your expectations. You will likely lead a much calmer life.

Emotional Ransomware

I once got attacked by an Internet virus in the category called “ransomware”. It installs itself on your computer and encrypts all your files of certain types so they cannot be read. In my case it encrypted all my pictures, word processor, spreadsheet and pdf files. And yes, I went through the stages of grief. It is very insidious because it comes with a promise to restore files that were stolen from you – for a price. The rub, of course, is that you have to trust a criminal to follow through with what they promise. And you have to arrive at the assumption “Not likely.”

I wonder if there are also emotional equivalents in relationships. In the computer version, you believe you are allowing a legitimate program to install on your hard drive, usually in the form of a software or program update. In the emotional version you allow someone to install a program on your heart. And if that “program” has bad intentions or is damaged, it  steals your confidence, your dignity, your choices, or some other quality of life.

What ransom is being asked for by the thief? Perhaps it’s sex. Or it might be complete obedience or exclusivity. Maybe it’s a demand to accept bad behavior unconditionally like anger or criticism or manipulative crying or selfishness.    

Breaking it down, what did I do wrong?

First, I was too fast to respond. I didn’t take my time and really pay attention and think through my actions. I ignored a little voice inside of me that asked “Are you sure?” Instead, I wanted to move ahead with the current task and so accepted what was interrupting my screen. Impatience can really get me in trouble sometimes.

Secondly, I was too trusting. I should not have accepted the request on face value without investigating further. I can be naïve. “No one would really try to harm me.” Really? So what are all those security programs for? It's just too easy for someone to copy and paste a logo and make it look authentic.

So when it comes to relationships are you impatient? Do you move ahead too quickly out of desire to move from “me” to “us”? As you got older did you feel the time was running out and so now you are not as cautious as you once were? Or maybe you have always been this way and need to reassess.

Are you too trusting and transparent and tend to open up completely when you should be observing and testing. Trust is not just supposed to be given unconditionally. It must be earned over time. Are you swayed by the company a person keeps assuming they are just as reliable? That’s the equivalent of a cut-and-pasted logo. Authenticity is not guaranteed.

A well known verse in the Bible says:

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think that’s the best advice of all!

A Powerful Question

One of the questions I will sometimes ask a new client is this:

“If this counseling process is successful, what will be different in your life/relationship?”

It is a powerful way to help a client define goals so that we might be able to measure progress and success. Most will respond with a variation on one of these two themes:

1. I will be out of pain

2. I will be happy (with myself, my situation or my relationship).

Although these can be good short-term goals for counseling, they should not be the only ones because they often do not speak to deeper issues. Sometimes healing is found in the direction of pain. Sometimes doing the right thing will make us unhappy (at least for a while). Rarely do people answer the question with a response like this:

“I will have increased in my emotional, relational and spiritual maturity.”

Now, to be fair, some do. They tend to be the ones who are headed for deeper levels of integrity in their lives. They understand the toughness of the battle that is before them, and they can also envision the rewards. Make no mistake about it – it is hard to say yes to the right things, and to deny ourselves things that we desire but are counter to our growth.

What is the feeling you get when you think of self-restraint? Do you feel angry or sad or controlled? Do you feel exited about the challenge? Do you feel good about yourself because you are doing well at managing your temptations?

If I were to be completely honest I would have to admit that I rarely feel good about restraint in the moment. It is mostly in reflection that I appreciate my self-controlled responses and understand the value of unspoken words or actions.  

Regardless of how you feel, who you are is God’s Beloved Child – and deeply accepting that reality should be your highest goal. It may not eliminate your pain, but it will give you a reason to be joyful.

One good book that I recommend is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. His basic premise is that it is impossible to mature spiritually while remaining emotionally immature.

Just something to think about.

Xtreme Feelings

One of the things I like working as a counselor is the ongoing learning that I experience. Not just from books and seminars, but from the process itself, discovering things together with clients as the sessions unfold. Anyone who knows me knows how much I like and rely on my whiteboard. The above whiteboard illustration came during one of these sessions.

We were talking about how extreme feelings produce extreme reactions and usually extremely bad results.  

And often those feelings produce an intense sense of urgency – as if something must be done RIGHT NOW. But urgency causes us to overreact instead of proceeding in a more appropriate and godly manner.

When extreme feelings tempt us we must immediately back away. We are in a relational danger zone and only distance will protect us from potential destruction. In the above mentioned session, I suggested the client should look for alternate explanations when the intense feelings hit rather than accept the first and most feared one. A light came on for the client. He said that in the field of systems analysis and critical thinking, it is called looking for a rival hypothesis. And the solution, he said, is to search for confirming or disconfirming evidence before making a decision or taking action. Wow.

What it requires is slowing down the response and knowing that truth will come in time.

When our emotions get hijacked and the feeling of urgency presses on us, we must assess whether there really is an imminent threat or danger that must be dealt with quickly. In most relationships the answer to that question is almost always “No!” Usually it is a miscommunication or a misinterpretation. I never have bad intentions toward Nan and she never has bad intentions towards me.

So what do Nan and I do when we hit one of those intense rough spots? We get away and calm ourselves down first. We never bring heated anger to the table – never. Then, stripped of blame, we spend time clarifying the issue and if needed, we both own and apologize for our part of the conflict. Clarifying means being willing to listen more than talk. If both people will do that the crisis will pass quickly. Most of our conflicts these days last five minutes or so once we come to the table.

I know some of you are saying “But that seems so hard in the moment.”

Yes, it really is difficult. Much of what is worthwhile in life comes with a price. There is no way to sugar coat it. You must act differently than you feel, because of the benefit that will follow. The rewards are relational harmony and spiritual righteousness. 

Ephesians 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Not Another Post About Conflict!

The question of conflict comes up in nearly every couples or family counseling session in some form or another. It is mostly the reason people seek counseling in the first place. In our premarried class we talk about how to do conflict well, and how to prevent it from turning ugly. For our our 33^rd time teaching the class we added a new PowerPoint slide entitled “How we measure conflict.” This is our quick assessment that we use in sessions to determine progress in a relationship.

There are three criteria that we use: Frequency, Intensity and Duration.

FREQUENCY – How often do you get into conflict? Is it daily, weekly or even less frequently? I am not talking about mild disagreements like what, when or where to eat. I am talking about the kind where it becomes emotional, eliciting feelings of anger, distress or deeper frustration. Are you able to let the little things go so that the rough spots are the exception, not the rule? Are you able to really let them go and not just stuff them until they eventually erupt?

INTENSITY – How angry or upset or forceful do you get? In a conflict do you really lean in hard or wag your finger at the perceived offender? Or do you emotionally melt down into crying or sobbing? Are you able to stay in control of yourself or do you feel like you will burst if you don’t get it all out or if you are not fully understood? Do you increase in intensity as the time goes on? Do you become rageful or hysterical? Self regulation requires staying away from distressful self talk. I have heard experts use the terms “awfulizing” or “catastrophizing" for this kind of inner conversation.

DURATION – How long do the conflicts last? Are you able to say what you need to say in a succinct manner or do you go on and on for multiple minutes or even longer? Do you corner people and “make them” listen until you are through or exhausted? I have heard stories of conflict that lasted multi-hours, followed by days or even weeks of withdrawal. That level of immaturity is bound to impact a relationship in a very negative way.

We can usually tell the health of a relationship by assessing these factors. When they are on the decrease the relationship is usually getting better (unless both people have emotionally checked out and the end is near). Interestingly, some couples will rate these measurements in their relationship differently. The difference in perception is usually the result of their earlier family or relationship history. Volatile or avoidant family of origin systems will often cause a skewed perspective. Both aggressive and passive behavior is immature and destructive.

One of our pastors quoted a recent study about marriages that went the distance: less than 5% of the content of their conversations were complaints (negativity). However, when the complaints rose to 10% or more, the relationship was at a high risk of failure. I think that statistic holds well for Nan & me. 

So how do you see your relationships? Are these key factors on the decrease in most or all of them?

Finding Your Voice

In counseling, the concept of “finding your voice” may come up as a topic or issue. Usually it is because someone has had a hard time speaking up when appropriate, or has been silenced because of various reasons. It can be a pretty sensitive area when the person has been a victim of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Especially in marriage it is good to have an equal voice and shared power (along with equal responsibility) and we encourage people to ask for what they need. If we continually sublimate our desires to someone else’s we will eventually build up toxic resentment and bitterness. Trying to keep the peace by not speaking up in a relationship is very risky. It is with both our words and actions that we set appropriate emotional and physical safety boundaries that declare “This is my property, stay off!”. Sometimes, however, when a person is learning to exercise their power in this new way they may overcompensate and create new problems.

                IMMATURE                     MATURE                                       IMMATURE

--------------Reactive-------------    -------------------     ------------------Reactive------------------      

Passive Victim                                  Assertive           Aggressive          Rageful Victimizer

            |                      |                             |                          |             |                  |     

                     Passive Aggressive                                         Angry Aggressive

As you can see on the above chart, the range of response is a continuum from very passive to very aggressive. I would suggest that the goal is right in the middle, communicating in a firm, but kind manner. That is assertiveness. From a spiritual perspective, we call this “speaking the truth in love”. It respects both us and them and creates an environment where closeness is possible. Both withdrawal and aggression creates distance within a relationship, but kind honesty is fertile soil for something positive to grow.

When a person has been a victim of something serious, regulating their emotions and behavior and finding a balance may be very challenging. Not wanting to risk becoming a victim again, they might overestimate what is required to remain safe (overpowering).  This is when having a counselor or mentor to give feedback can be very helpful.

From a spiritual perspective, the Bible has many cautionary verses about anger and aggression. It is an area that is more likely to get away from us once we enter the territory. I also think we have a higher risk of practicing self-deception as we try to justify our over-reactive or sinful behavior in retrospect. On the other hand, measured responses have the potential to promote understanding and intimacy. Find your voice, but find the balance.

Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

James 1:19-20(ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God

Mean People

Watching a video series one weekend I was reminded of a tragic condition that pops up every once in a while. Most of the time Nan and I are faced with good willed people that really do want to find peace in their relationship. These sessions are not necessarily easy, but usually they are redemptive in nature. But when we experience meanness from a client, our hope fades a bit, especially when the meanness is seen by them as normative and acceptable.

Then we do not have a simple behavioral issue, but rather a heart issue – or more specifically a deep brokenness or sin issue.

I would define meanness as the act of exacting revenge or punishing another person. It is often intentional, but it doesn’t have to be. Sometimes it flows from disordered thinking that cannot be brought under control. The person can’t imagine an alternative way to react to circumstances. Unrestrained blaming and anger and withholding are common tactics.   

Mean people are often lonely people. Others will eventually steer clear of them and they become isolated and feel abandoned. Their attempts to connect will be met with resistance and it isn’t long before deep resentment sets in. It is truly a sad scenario.

What is it like to be in a relationship with a mean person? Hurtful. Wounding. Frustrating. Does this person really love me? Are they my friend? Do they like me? They seem so disappointed with me. How long should I put up with this?

Sometimes the root cause is depression, anxiety or childhood wounding that has become an unwelcome companion – perhaps for years. For others the core issue is plain selfishness and sin. I want what I want and nobody is going to get in the way of my goals. I refuse to be spiritually surrendered to God, even when I know it is the right thing to do. Either you bend to my will and wants or there will be hell to pay.    

What can you do if you are in a relationship with a mean person?

The Bible says to speak the truth in love. If it is safe to do so, lovingly, but firmly confronting the behavior is the first thing that needs to be done. With some people this works wonders. However, often this is not enough. It might take talk and drug therapy to draw the person from the destructive pattern. You may need to pull back from the relationship until the person becomes more self-controlled.

The good news is that God is in the heart changing business. He is also in the forgiveness business as well. When we are able to recognize and repent of the damage we have been inflicting on those around us, He is right there to catch us and restore us. And when we have been on the receiving end of mean people, He is also there to comfort us in our distress.

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32

Are You in a Relationship with a Rule Maker?

One of the constants that couples may have to fight within themselves is the tendency to become parental or the “rule maker” in their relationship. Sometimes these rules are overt when they are presented as commands: “Don’t turn on the television immediately when you walk through the door from work!” Other rules are covert or unspoken and you don’t know about them until you break them: “How could you leave hair in the bathroom sink?”

Making rules can be a big intimacy destroyer in a relationship.

Often the rule maker also appoints themselves the rule enforcer. Since they made up the rules, they feel like they have the right to enforce the rules. But there is a big problem here: their partner didn’t agree to the rules or didn’t know about them. How are rules enforced? They are imposed in many typically maladaptive ways – passively, aggressively or passive-aggressively. In other words I might get angry or withdraw or nag or treat you with silent contempt – but somehow I will make you pay.

Early in our marriage Nan or I would defend our rules by saying “Well, if I didn’t need you to do such and such, then I wouldn’t ask.” The message was clear: “This is one of my rules that you need to obey.” And that was a source of conflict for us until we were able to learn to compromise and agree. Oh, by the way – that took a long time and sometimes we still stumble across it in our relationship.

The best way to deal with a rule-maker is to first reflect what they have said (“So you would like me to connect with you before turning on the television when I come home from work?”) Then you can kindly ask to have a discussion. (“Let’s talk about that.”) You are gently asserting your power within the relationship and letting your partner know that you need to be treated with respect. If you have a very dominant or aggressive partner you may have to be more firm and set a harder boundary. (‘I am not comfortable with the way you are approaching me with your 'request'. We need to talk about this.”)

I have been known, when given a direct command by Nan, to smile and reply “Are you asking me?” Again, I am communicating my adult status in the relationship. She is always gracious and replies “Sorry. Would you mind….)? Then there is no conflict that follows and usually I am willing to meet her request – or at least negotiate with her.

When it comes to unspoken rules, we need to identify them. Our partner can't read our mind, and they didn't grow up in our family so that they automatically know what is expected.  Then we need to talk about them, where we agree and where we disagree. That is one of the exercises that we have couples do in our pre-married class. It saves a lot of unpleasant conflict later in the marriage.

Whether you are a rule-maker or in a relationship with one, talking about it when you are not in the heat of a conflict can be very helpful. Kindness and humility will win the day.

If you need help from an outside party, don’t be too proud to ask.

The Short Life

As I was sitting in front of another young squabbling couple the other day I thought to myself, “Life is so short. Do you really want to spend this precious time arguing over relatively minor issues, when you could be enjoying the one and only life you have?”

Then I thought, “I wonder how many people have thought that about me, when I complained about something inconsequential.”

These days Nan and I get through most conflicts in less than five minutes – tops. But, sometimes I forget how long it has taken to get to this point. I can assure you that we started out passionate fighters, full of self-righteousness and indignant with offenses.    

I don’t know exactly when this started to slow down, but I don’t think it had to do with running out of energy for conflict. I think it had more to do with becoming more emotionally and spiritually mature (as a result of lots of hours of counseling). It became harder and harder to reconcile our emotional immaturity with the Word of God.

Maturity is not a result of growing older. It’s a state of the mind and heart. I know people in their 50’s, 60’s and older who are still operating emotionally the way they did in their teen years. It is sad to watch. But I also know young adults who have understanding way beyond their years.

What is the key to achieving this?

I think three things are required, minimum. One is desire, the second is education and the third is humility.

Truly, I must want to grow, see the value in growth, and accept nothing less than growth. We are not going to follow through with anything that we do not believe in. Our actions will always follow our beliefs. My desire to have right beliefs must be intense.

There is usually a point in counseling where the focus shifts from establishing what changes are needed to the question of how to make those changes. I have found that this is often the missing piece, and this is where information and education is necessary. And this is where active learners often have an advantage. They are hungry for insight and will pursue many avenues to gain it.

Lastly is humility. Change is hard. Bad habits do not die easily. They must be aggressively squashed. To do that requires a kind of surrender that is not part of my nature. It probably isn’t your nature either. It often means admitting that I am wrong, that I have failed in some areas, and that I am part of the problem (most couples come in for counseling with the goal of changing their partner). It means staying quiet when everything inside of me is screaming to be heard.

So what is the goal?

Maybe, like us, it is getting your conflicts resolved in less than five minutes and returning to joy, because life is short.    

Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness,  or sex. Or they will communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughters need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Being Right or Being in a Relationship?

J was the mother of two good children and the wife of a decent guy. From the outside everything looked like a happy family. But behind closed doors it was anything but. J’s overpowering need for everything to be right (according to her standards) was driving everyone away. And the worst thing about it was that she couldn't see it. Her interpretation was that she was saddled with a lazy and ungrateful family. But the truth was that her overly high standards and the rigid way in which she kept them were crushing her family.

And so she went around feeling bitter and disappointed and often isolated and alone, because her family tried to steer clear of her and her minefield of unrealistic expectations.

At work she got accolades from her boss for her high level of performance, but her co-workers felt that she was not a safe person, that anger was just below the surface, and so they did not engage with her like with other fellow employees. She just thought they were jealous and beneath her. But still, she was alone.

Diagnostically, we could come up with a whole list of possible pathologies¸ but the Bible would probably label J as hard-hearted or un-yielded or stiff-necked. And that would be true. Her own personal emotional and spiritual journey needed to include recovery from this un-loving attitude towards others.  

But as much as I feel for J’s family and co-workers, I also feel deep compassion for J. Her life is not easy. As hard as she may drive others, she feels intense pressure to drive herself even more. She is constantly seeking validation that she is worthy, but never feeling completely at peace about it.     

What do you do if you are J’s family?

You speak the truth in love – a lot of love, not backing away in anger or frustration. J’s husband, who has, but often does not feel power in the relationship, must especially hold loving boundaries.

What if you are J?

There is probably a complex spiritual and emotional battle going on inside of you. It is a jumble of issues related to your family of origin, temperament, and experiences of loss. The results are a foundation of fear and anxiety with its attendant coping mechanisms, one of which is not to acknowledge the fear and anxiety, but to externalize the problem.

This is where understanding God’s unconditional acceptance of you is crucial. When you feel His acceptance, you will begin to accept yourself and others. Grace, rather than critical judgment will flow from you, which will attract others to you like moths to a flame.

This is a journey you cannot attempt alone. It requires spending time in a healing community as well as spending time in solitude with God.  It means surrendering your belief that you have a right to share your opinion or be heard above all others. And that will feel like sacrificing and suffering – because it is.    

You can be right, or you can be in relationship. But you can rarely have both. 

Do You Have Superpowers?

There are certain behaviors in relationships that are easily identified as the most destructive. They are known to most of us: poorly controlled anger that becomes rageful, withdrawal that turns into emotional cutoff, and unaddressed addictions that control the person and therefore harm the relationship. These behaviors often flow from dealing with the most volatile issues that couples face such as money, sex, parenting and others.

But those are just the most obvious, in-your-face destroyers. There are also more subtle, but equally harmful ones. There is one that really sticks out to me.

Like the dripping of water on a rock that eventually erodes it away, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and correcting eventually erodes a relationship. Yes, it is slower, but it can be just as painful in the long run.

I remember working with a couple whose relationship was headed down the tubes. Outwardly there was nothing dramatic happening, but the couple seemed to be profoundly unhappy. After listening to their stories I turned to the wife and confronted her:

“You need to stop FAA – Fixing, Analyzing and Advising.”

She looked at me and declared: “But those are my superpowers. If you take them away I'll have nothing left!”

I agreed with her that they were indeed super powerful – but it was the power to destroy, not to create. I could see the husband relax. I think he finally felt understood. Of course I could have told her to stop nagging, criticizing, complaining and correcting, but I think she got the message.

During the sessions I noticed that she got quite upset when her husband did not agree with her. So I helped both of them to express their feelings better, without blaming or shaming. And we worked on not holding an expectation that their partner had to agree with them or face their wrath or withdrawal. In time she learned that she had a lot of power left. Her husband responded very well to kind words and encouragement and so did her kids. We talked about how the Fruits of the Spirit are the real superpowers as outlined in Galatians chapter 5 in the Bible starting with verse 22:

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit (power) in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

If you want to know what not to do, read beginning with verse Galations 5:16.

By the way, the genders could have just as easily been reversed in the above scenario – husbands often have those destructive superpowers as well.

Realized Secure Attachment -- And A Free Quiz

 

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22

Within secular therapy there is a tern called “earned secure attachment”. The concept is that security can obtained through developmental experiences with others. Although I agree that this process works as a therapeutic intervention, it implies that for those with attachment wounds, it does not exist outside of our efforts to attain it.

I would like to introduce a different model of thinking, one that would be more aligned with Christian belief. I have renamed it “realized secure attachment”. It is still a process, but where it differs from secular thinking is that is does not imply that we must build a secure attachment, but rather accept that security has always existed in a relationship with God, through Christ.

As therapists, we act as transitional figures in the life of our clients, and bridge the gap between the natural and the supernatural. We do this by offering as close to unconditional love and acceptance as is possible. In essence, we model secure attachment, although imperfectly, while pointing the client to where a perfectly secure attachment has always existed.

Where I believe this has significance over the “earned” concept, is because insecurely attached clients may already struggle with performance issues related to their value. Earned security introduces the possibility of failing to achieve the goal, creating additional stress on the already anxiously attached client. It also negatively reinforces the beliefs of the avoidant, that they are on their own, that it’s all up to them to attempt to “fix it”.

And Now the Free Quiz

For quite a while now we have referred to a great free assessment from HowWeLove.com called the “Love Style Quiz”. It is an attachment style indicator that is very useful in navigating the likely conflict patterns that emerge in relationships in general, and marriages in particular.

There are five possible styles (or a combination of styles) that a person may have. Although the styles may be identified with other names in other attachment literature, the authors of this quiz use these five categories: Pleaser, Avoider, Vacillator, Controller, Victim

These are considered insecure attachment styles that were acquired during the early formative years that deal with perceptions of how loved, cared for and secure the child felt. In this assessment these styles are measured on a scale with lower numbers indicating greater secure attachment. The more secure we are, the more likely we are to navigate conflict well. The beauty of this quiz is it puts the styles of two people together to form a “core conflict pattern”. The core pattern then can be seen as the problem and not the two individuals.

Of course we can also be mostly securely attached (and there is a secure attachment quiz on the website for that also). But under stress we can regress and become more easily triggered. Being aware of our conflict pattern can help us to recognize it when it is beginning to emerge so we can catch it before it escalates any further. Yes, we may be tempted to ignore the warning signs, but we can be reassured by what the Bible says in 1Cor 10:13:

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

It is fun to wtch couples’ amazement when they look at a core pattern and immediately recognize it as their own. The phrase I often hear is “It’s spot on. How do they do that?” Then often some relief comes when they realize they are hardly unique in their struggles.

It will likely take some work to be proficient in shutting down the negative pattern, but it feels so satisfying when the end result is a more connected and peaceful relationship. And from a spiritual standpoint we know that we are becoming more formed into the image of Christ who has called us to be peacemakers.

I wonder how many reading this post will take the next step and participate in the love quiz? If you want to see what our (Nan and me) pattern is, check out the core pattern for the pleaser and the avoider. You are going to have to guess which of us is which style (our friends and clients will probably know). I can truly say that we have mostly conquered our core pattern over the years. Under stress do we regress? Sometimes, but not nearly as often.

If you would like to know the basics of attachment theory, check out this short animated video.

What Have You Normalized?

 

I was reading about concepts related to learning today and came upon these two terms: accommodation and assimilation. As I understand them, they might be explained this way: accommodation is the adjustment we must make when a new reality is discovered that changes a “held belief”, whereas assimilation is incorporating new information that just adds to our belief.

For example, if, as a child we have a pet cat that is gray in color we might assume that all cats are gray. Then we come across a cat that is black and we modify our belief to “not all cats are gray”. That is accommodation.

Then, along comes a third cat that happens to be Siamese and is neither black nor gray. We have already determined that cats come in different colors, and including this new information just adds to our already established belief. This is assimilation. (I suppose I could also maintain my belief that cats only come in gray and that the black and Siamese are not cats but other species. But I would be a strange child.)

Accommodation or Assimilation?

With these concepts in hand I was trying to determine if my acceptance of mental fatigue as normal was accommodation or assimilation. Then I realized it was neither. It was normalization. Duh.

We can normalize behaviors as a result of familiarity. If I grew up with a rageaholic in the family, then yelling just seems normal to me. So I might never question whether it is healthy. If I marry a noisy angry person I might just accept that that’s how people are. Hopefully somewhere along the way I will discover my misconception and accommodate the new reality and respond appropriately. If I do not, I will just become part of the transmittal of multigenerational family problems.

We can also normalize behaviors or states of being when we repeat them so often that we just adjust to them. Sleeplessness and metal fatigue is like that for me if I am not careful. After a while I begin to rationalize that this is how I am wired and so I determine that it must be normal for me. But it’s not healthy.

For me it takes a couple of good nights of sleep and a break from my work routine to realize that I have slipped into some unhealthy adjustments. If I am smart, I try to correct the circumstances under which I might slip back into my bad habits. This is why vacations and “days off” are so essential for me.

How about you? What have you or others around you normalized that are creating personal or relational difficulties? Sometimes it takes courage and fortitude to make the necessary changes.     

Help! I'm Out Of Money

According to 2023 data, the poverty line in California for 2 people is $3325/mo, or slightly under $40,000/yr. Also, according to the 2024 Retirement Confidence Survey from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, nearly 30% of people have virtually nothing saved for retirement, and 33% have less than $50,000 in total savings and investments.  

It is always sad to sit with couples in counseling who have come to retirement age with nothing but Social Security income, and often with debt as well. It puts them at or below the poverty level with little hope for a better financial future. Plus, when one of the spouses passes on, one of the Social Security checks disappears. It might necessitate getting back into the working world when jobs are hard to acquire.

Social Security benefits were never designed to be a substitute for a retirement plan – just a short term supplement when life expectancy was much shorter than it is today. 

Because money can be such a huge area of conflict in a marriage I thought it would be wise to emphasize the importance of taking a serious stance on putting away money for the future no matter what age you might be or what your marital status is at the moment.

What I found to work is:

• Create a very conservative spending plan and stick to it. (I use Quicken to help automate the process.)

•  Treat all raises as money that can either reduce debt or increase savings. 

• Maximize all contributions to employer and government sponsored retirement plans to the best of your ability (401K, 403B, IRA, etc). 

• Take a Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial course. 

• Have automatic withdrawals set-up when possible. It often feels painful to write out a check to a retirement account you might not use for 30-40 years. Think about how it would feel if you had to write separate checks for Federal, State, Social Security, Medicare and SDI taxes every paycheck. (Actually, that might be a good thing.) 

• Use financial counselors when needed. 

• Question and resist new technology – it can be very expensive to keep up with all the newly available offerings. New tech becomes old tech very rapidly.

• Talk to your spouse regularly about money and spending and make sure you are on the same page so that one of you doesn’t sabotage your plan. 

• Dump the entitlement mentality. Never use the phrase “I deserve”. The Bible tells us what we deserve – that’s why we need a Savior. 

What is the goal here? It’s so that you can be a help, rather than a hindrance to others. 

Emotional (Dys)Regulation

 

When Nan and I were in counseling back in the late 1980’s we took a comprehensive psychological assessment. Among other measurements it pinpointed aspects of our personalities. I can’t say that I remember most of it, but one category stood out to both of us. And that was our struggle to manage our emotions during conflict.

What we discovered was that during an argument we could dysregulate somewhat rapidly. And simultaneous dysregulation leads to symmetrical escalation. What that means in plain terms is that the ever increasing intensity of both our feelings were driving our responses into the red zone. Our parasympathetic (emotional braking) systems were out of whack.

But our counselor David saw something in the assessment that was very helpful. Although we both had high scales in this particular category, he pointed out that mine was lower. And he assigned the job of de-escalation to me. (Thanks for nothing, David). But the truth is, he was right. I discovered that I did have the greater ability to slow the escalation down. I just didn’t always want to do it. (There’s that sin nature!)

Think about your relationship. Do you tend to “one up” each other in a conflict? That’s symmetrical escalation. If you do, is it because you believe you have no control over your tongue? Or might you be more like me and see trouble coming, but not want to restrain yourself. Those delicious but biting remarks seem so tasty at the moment, don’t they? Unfortunately the Bible has a lot to say about not controlling our tongues. They can speak life or death into a marriage.

Often the escalation of our emotions takes place in our head before we even address the issue with our partner. We fuel it with our ruminating thoughts.

So what can you do?

• You will definitely have to get a firm grip on your destructive self talk.

• You can process the big feelings with God until you are confident that you can manage to keep them relationship-sized.

• You may need to talk with a safe person who will listen to you and help you deescalate your intensity.

• You can surrender your insistence on having the last word in argument.

If you are already dysregulated the best tactic I have found is withdrawing temporarily until you calm down. I believe there is always a jumping off point if we decide to look for it and choose it. It may be difficult in the heat of a conflict, but it will always work. Have an agreement with your spouse that if either of you needs to take a “time out” that you both will honor it. It is not okay to follow an upset person and keep talking at them. Conversely, when we withdraw we must return after cooling down, and try to bring the issue to a resolution if at all possible.

One last note: dysregulation can also take the form of progressively shutting down and eventually emotionally freezing. In this case the solution is the same. It requires withdrawing until we are able to  "thaw out" and reengage. 

Regardless of which tendency we have, to power up or shut down, once we emotionally regulate we need to come back together, hopefully as friends.    

Which Way Do We Go? -- Walking In The Same Direction

 

One of the anchoring bible verses that we have used in our pre-engagement class is Amos 3:3 which asks this question:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

At first blush it is easy to answer “Well, duh!” But of course we are really asking the couple to consider whether they are in agreement with the direction they want to take as they anticipate putting their lives together. It is a serious question that sometimes only gets fully answered after the rings are on the fingers.

We push for couples to uncover in themselves any unconscious expectations that they hold as well as verbalizing the conscious ones. It’s always good to read the fine print of the contract you are about to sign.

What might these topics include?

• Where are we going to live?
• Do we both hold jobs once children come into the picture? Do we want children? How many?
• What level of lifestyle do we expect?
• Do we press for home ownership and a rooted life or a life of flexibility and adventure?
• Do we agree on how to spend money? Who controls the purse? Do we combine our money?
• Do we see spiritual, political and social issues similarly?
• What is our commitment to church attendance and engagement with that community?

As you can see I’ve only touched the surface of the possible questions to be asked. The assessments that are administered in classes like ours will illuminate many of these questions and will prompt some great discussions. But it is the unaddressed ones that may become troublesome.

If you are in a relationship considering marriage, how thoroughly do you think you have discussed these essential topics? If you are married, are you satisfied that you knew your mate and their aspirations pretty well before taking the plunge?

What if you find you are in a situation where your goals don’t align?

If unmarried, you can always have a “good goodbye”. That’s the most sure solution and might avoid a lot of future pain. But that may be very hard to do if you are very connected already. Then you might have to consider the same strategy as a married couple, which is to pursue realistic compromises. These compromises have to be negotiated with a humble attitude, giving weight to the other person’s desires. The decisions must not leave resentment in their wake or the process will have been a failure.

What can be negotiated? I believe anything that is in the category of “preferences” can be put on the table. However, sometimes our preferences are so strong that they become a “deal breaker”. They will fall into the category of a “must have”. At that point a strong disagreement may put the relationship in jeopardy. In a marriage particularly, this is a troublesome situation because it can become unresolved for years and be the content of many conflicts.

So, as always, do the homework and walk in the same direction with confidence and joy.

FLIP IT!

 

vecteezy.com

Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.