Emotional (Dys)Regulation

 

When Nan and I were in counseling back in the late 1980’s we took a comprehensive psychological assessment. Among other measurements it pinpointed aspects of our personalities. I can’t say that I remember most of it, but one category stood out to both of us. And that was our struggle to manage our emotions during conflict.

What we discovered was that during an argument we could dysregulate somewhat rapidly. And simultaneous dysregulation leads to symmetrical escalation. What that means in plain terms is that the ever increasing intensity of both our feelings were driving our responses into the red zone. Our parasympathetic (emotional braking) systems were out of whack.

But our counselor David saw something in the assessment that was very helpful. Although we both had high scales in this particular category, he pointed out that mine was lower. And he assigned the job of de-escalation to me. (Thanks for nothing, David). But the truth is, he was right. I discovered that I did have the greater ability to slow the escalation down. I just didn’t always want to do it. (There’s that sin nature!)

Think about your relationship. Do you tend to “one up” each other in a conflict? That’s symmetrical escalation. If you do, is it because you believe you have no control over your tongue? Or might you be more like me and see trouble coming, but not want to restrain yourself. Those delicious but biting remarks seem so tasty at the moment, don’t they? Unfortunately the Bible has a lot to say about not controlling our tongues. They can speak life or death into a marriage.

Often the escalation of our emotions takes place in our head before we even address the issue with our partner. We fuel it with our ruminating thoughts.

So what can you do?

• You will definitely have to get a firm grip on your destructive self talk.

• You can process the big feelings with God until you are confident that you can manage to keep them relationship-sized.

• You may need to talk with a safe person who will listen to you and help you deescalate your intensity.

• You can surrender your insistence on having the last word in argument.

If you are already dysregulated the best tactic I have found is withdrawing temporarily until you calm down. I believe there is always a jumping off point if we decide to look for it and choose it. It may be difficult in the heat of a conflict, but it will always work. Have an agreement with your spouse that if either of you needs to take a “time out” that you both will honor it. It is not okay to follow an upset person and keep talking at them. Conversely, when we withdraw we must return after cooling down, and try to bring the issue to a resolution if at all possible.

One last note: dysregulation can also take the form of progressively shutting down and eventually emotionally freezing. In this case the solution is the same. It requires withdrawing until we are able to  "thaw out" and reengage. 

Regardless of which tendency we have, to power up or shut down, once we emotionally regulate we need to come back together, hopefully as friends.    

Which Way Do We Go? -- Walking In The Same Direction

 

One of the anchoring bible verses that we have used in our pre-engagement class is Amos 3:3 which asks this question:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

At first blush it is easy to answer “Well, duh!” But of course we are really asking the couple to consider whether they are in agreement with the direction they want to take as they anticipate putting their lives together. It is a serious question that sometimes only gets fully answered after the rings are on the fingers.

We push for couples to uncover in themselves any unconscious expectations that they hold as well as verbalizing the conscious ones. It’s always good to read the fine print of the contract you are about to sign.

What might these topics include?

• Where are we going to live?
• Do we both hold jobs once children come into the picture? Do we want children? How many?
• What level of lifestyle do we expect?
• Do we press for home ownership and a rooted life or a life of flexibility and adventure?
• Do we agree on how to spend money? Who controls the purse? Do we combine our money?
• Do we see spiritual, political and social issues similarly?
• What is our commitment to church attendance and engagement with that community?

As you can see I’ve only touched the surface of the possible questions to be asked. The assessments that are administered in classes like ours will illuminate many of these questions and will prompt some great discussions. But it is the unaddressed ones that may become troublesome.

If you are in a relationship considering marriage, how thoroughly do you think you have discussed these essential topics? If you are married, are you satisfied that you knew your mate and their aspirations pretty well before taking the plunge?

What if you find you are in a situation where your goals don’t align?

If unmarried, you can always have a “good goodbye”. That’s the most sure solution and might avoid a lot of future pain. But that may be very hard to do if you are very connected already. Then you might have to consider the same strategy as a married couple, which is to pursue realistic compromises. These compromises have to be negotiated with a humble attitude, giving weight to the other person’s desires. The decisions must not leave resentment in their wake or the process will have been a failure.

What can be negotiated? I believe anything that is in the category of “preferences” can be put on the table. However, sometimes our preferences are so strong that they become a “deal breaker”. They will fall into the category of a “must have”. At that point a strong disagreement may put the relationship in jeopardy. In a marriage particularly, this is a troublesome situation because it can become unresolved for years and be the content of many conflicts.

So, as always, do the homework and walk in the same direction with confidence and joy.

FLIP IT!

 

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Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.