Bitterness

There are times as a counselor when I feel a deep sadness along with a large dollop of frustration. I expect to feel sad as I hear of people’s pain. It is just plain hard to listen to the results of sin, regret, and/or natural or unfortunate circumstances in the lives of people.

But my frustration comes when progress is blocked by a client tenaciously holding on to something of a destructive nature that yields no possible benefit.

Bitterness is one of these with disastrous relational results.

Bitterness separates parents from children, husbands from wives, and congregants from churches. It can rip close friends apart from one another leaving both lonely and dissatisfied. Why would we hold on to such a destructive force as cold resentment when we are quite aware of how it hurts us and others?    

The answer is not very pretty: It is power that can be used to control or punish others and justify our bad behavior. I give myself permission to withhold love and approval. I build a fortress of protection from relational risk. But I am also out of the will of God.

There are times when it is appropriate to set boundaries with people in order to stop or prevent damage. But these boundaries must be set with love with a goal towards restoration if possible. How can we move towards reconciliation if our heart is cold and hard?

In bitterness spouses will withhold conversation, friendliness,  or sex. Or they will communicate only in anger, sarcasm or irritability, needlessly maintaining walls of separation. The results are a loveless or shallow marriage. Children will become rebellious and disrespectful and parents will deny the nurturance that all sons and daughters need to become healthy adults.

The Bible says that forgiveness (as opposed to reconciliation) is not an option. And the truth is that often we are the only one that suffers as our heart shuts down. The ability to forgive is both an act of the will and an act of obedience. It is also a supernatural occurrence because the truth is that I rarely feel the strength or the inclination. Can I really utter the words “not my will but thy will be done” in my humanness?

It is with love that I write these words because my joy is in seeing reconciliation and restoration in the lives of people I care about. It is always difficult to be the one who takes a risk and makes a first move. Often that first move is internal, allowing God to work on our hearts. It is a surrender to love that far surpasses our ability to comprehend it. Only God can effectively remove our bitterroot judgments. And only with our cooperation will He do that.

Eph 4:31-32 (NLT) Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Being Right or Being in a Relationship?

J was the mother of two good children and the wife of a decent guy. From the outside everything looked like a happy family. But behind closed doors it was anything but. J’s overpowering need for everything to be right (according to her standards) was driving everyone away. And the worst thing about it was that she couldn't see it. Her interpretation was that she was saddled with a lazy and ungrateful family. But the truth was that her overly high standards and the rigid way in which she kept them were crushing her family.

And so she went around feeling bitter and disappointed and often isolated and alone, because her family tried to steer clear of her and her minefield of unrealistic expectations.

At work she got accolades from her boss for her high level of performance, but her co-workers felt that she was not a safe person, that anger was just below the surface, and so they did not engage with her like with other fellow employees. She just thought they were jealous and beneath her. But still, she was alone.

Diagnostically, we could come up with a whole list of possible pathologies¸ but the Bible would probably label J as hard-hearted or un-yielded or stiff-necked. And that would be true. Her own personal emotional and spiritual journey needed to include recovery from this un-loving attitude towards others.  

But as much as I feel for J’s family and co-workers, I also feel deep compassion for J. Her life is not easy. As hard as she may drive others, she feels intense pressure to drive herself even more. She is constantly seeking validation that she is worthy, but never feeling completely at peace about it.     

What do you do if you are J’s family?

You speak the truth in love – a lot of love, not backing away in anger or frustration. J’s husband, who has, but often does not feel power in the relationship, must especially hold loving boundaries.

What if you are J?

There is probably a complex spiritual and emotional battle going on inside of you. It is a jumble of issues related to your family of origin, temperament, and experiences of loss. The results are a foundation of fear and anxiety with its attendant coping mechanisms, one of which is not to acknowledge the fear and anxiety, but to externalize the problem.

This is where understanding God’s unconditional acceptance of you is crucial. When you feel His acceptance, you will begin to accept yourself and others. Grace, rather than critical judgment will flow from you, which will attract others to you like moths to a flame.

This is a journey you cannot attempt alone. It requires spending time in a healing community as well as spending time in solitude with God.  It means surrendering your belief that you have a right to share your opinion or be heard above all others. And that will feel like sacrificing and suffering – because it is.    

You can be right, or you can be in relationship. But you can rarely have both. 

Do You Have Superpowers?

There are certain behaviors in relationships that are easily identified as the most destructive. They are known to most of us: poorly controlled anger that becomes rageful, withdrawal that turns into emotional cutoff, and unaddressed addictions that control the person and therefore harm the relationship. These behaviors often flow from dealing with the most volatile issues that couples face such as money, sex, parenting and others.

But those are just the most obvious, in-your-face destroyers. There are also more subtle, but equally harmful ones. There is one that really sticks out to me.

Like the dripping of water on a rock that eventually erodes it away, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and correcting eventually erodes a relationship. Yes, it is slower, but it can be just as painful in the long run.

I remember working with a couple whose relationship was headed down the tubes. Outwardly there was nothing dramatic happening, but the couple seemed to be profoundly unhappy. After listening to their stories I turned to the wife and confronted her:

“You need to stop FAA – Fixing, Analyzing and Advising.”

She looked at me and declared: “But those are my superpowers. If you take them away I'll have nothing left!”

I agreed with her that they were indeed super powerful – but it was the power to destroy, not to create. I could see the husband relax. I think he finally felt understood. Of course I could have told her to stop nagging, criticizing, complaining and correcting, but I think she got the message.

During the sessions I noticed that she got quite upset when her husband did not agree with her. So I helped both of them to express their feelings better, without blaming or shaming. And we worked on not holding an expectation that their partner had to agree with them or face their wrath or withdrawal. In time she learned that she had a lot of power left. Her husband responded very well to kind words and encouragement and so did her kids. We talked about how the Fruits of the Spirit are the real superpowers as outlined in Galatians chapter 5 in the Bible starting with verse 22:

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit (power) in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

If you want to know what not to do, read beginning with verse Galations 5:16.

By the way, the genders could have just as easily been reversed in the above scenario – husbands often have those destructive superpowers as well.

Realized Secure Attachment -- And A Free Quiz

 

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22

Within secular therapy there is a tern called “earned secure attachment”. The concept is that security can obtained through developmental experiences with others. Although I agree that this process works as a therapeutic intervention, it implies that for those with attachment wounds, it does not exist outside of our efforts to attain it.

I would like to introduce a different model of thinking, one that would be more aligned with Christian belief. I have renamed it “realized secure attachment”. It is still a process, but where it differs from secular thinking is that is does not imply that we must build a secure attachment, but rather accept that security has always existed in a relationship with God, through Christ.

As therapists, we act as transitional figures in the life of our clients, and bridge the gap between the natural and the supernatural. We do this by offering as close to unconditional love and acceptance as is possible. In essence, we model secure attachment, although imperfectly, while pointing the client to where a perfectly secure attachment has always existed.

Where I believe this has significance over the “earned” concept, is because insecurely attached clients may already struggle with performance issues related to their value. Earned security introduces the possibility of failing to achieve the goal, creating additional stress on the already anxiously attached client. It also negatively reinforces the beliefs of the avoidant, that they are on their own, that it’s all up to them to attempt to “fix it”.

And Now the Free Quiz

For quite a while now we have referred to a great free assessment from HowWeLove.com called the “Love Style Quiz”. It is an attachment style indicator that is very useful in navigating the likely conflict patterns that emerge in relationships in general, and marriages in particular.

There are five possible styles (or a combination of styles) that a person may have. Although the styles may be identified with other names in other attachment literature, the authors of this quiz use these five categories: Pleaser, Avoider, Vacillator, Controller, Victim

These are considered insecure attachment styles that were acquired during the early formative years that deal with perceptions of how loved, cared for and secure the child felt. In this assessment these styles are measured on a scale with lower numbers indicating greater secure attachment. The more secure we are, the more likely we are to navigate conflict well. The beauty of this quiz is it puts the styles of two people together to form a “core conflict pattern”. The core pattern then can be seen as the problem and not the two individuals.

Of course we can also be mostly securely attached (and there is a secure attachment quiz on the website for that also). But under stress we can regress and become more easily triggered. Being aware of our conflict pattern can help us to recognize it when it is beginning to emerge so we can catch it before it escalates any further. Yes, we may be tempted to ignore the warning signs, but we can be reassured by what the Bible says in 1Cor 10:13:

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

It is fun to wtch couples’ amazement when they look at a core pattern and immediately recognize it as their own. The phrase I often hear is “It’s spot on. How do they do that?” Then often some relief comes when they realize they are hardly unique in their struggles.

It will likely take some work to be proficient in shutting down the negative pattern, but it feels so satisfying when the end result is a more connected and peaceful relationship. And from a spiritual standpoint we know that we are becoming more formed into the image of Christ who has called us to be peacemakers.

I wonder how many reading this post will take the next step and participate in the love quiz? If you want to see what our (Nan and me) pattern is, check out the core pattern for the pleaser and the avoider. You are going to have to guess which of us is which style (our friends and clients will probably know). I can truly say that we have mostly conquered our core pattern over the years. Under stress do we regress? Sometimes, but not nearly as often.

If you would like to know the basics of attachment theory, check out this short animated video.

What Have You Normalized?

 

I was reading about concepts related to learning today and came upon these two terms: accommodation and assimilation. As I understand them, they might be explained this way: accommodation is the adjustment we must make when a new reality is discovered that changes a “held belief”, whereas assimilation is incorporating new information that just adds to our belief.

For example, if, as a child we have a pet cat that is gray in color we might assume that all cats are gray. Then we come across a cat that is black and we modify our belief to “not all cats are gray”. That is accommodation.

Then, along comes a third cat that happens to be Siamese and is neither black nor gray. We have already determined that cats come in different colors, and including this new information just adds to our already established belief. This is assimilation. (I suppose I could also maintain my belief that cats only come in gray and that the black and Siamese are not cats but other species. But I would be a strange child.)

Accommodation or Assimilation?

With these concepts in hand I was trying to determine if my acceptance of mental fatigue as normal was accommodation or assimilation. Then I realized it was neither. It was normalization. Duh.

We can normalize behaviors as a result of familiarity. If I grew up with a rageaholic in the family, then yelling just seems normal to me. So I might never question whether it is healthy. If I marry a noisy angry person I might just accept that that’s how people are. Hopefully somewhere along the way I will discover my misconception and accommodate the new reality and respond appropriately. If I do not, I will just become part of the transmittal of multigenerational family problems.

We can also normalize behaviors or states of being when we repeat them so often that we just adjust to them. Sleeplessness and metal fatigue is like that for me if I am not careful. After a while I begin to rationalize that this is how I am wired and so I determine that it must be normal for me. But it’s not healthy.

For me it takes a couple of good nights of sleep and a break from my work routine to realize that I have slipped into some unhealthy adjustments. If I am smart, I try to correct the circumstances under which I might slip back into my bad habits. This is why vacations and “days off” are so essential for me.

How about you? What have you or others around you normalized that are creating personal or relational difficulties? Sometimes it takes courage and fortitude to make the necessary changes.     

Help! I'm Out Of Money

According to 2023 data, the poverty line in California for 2 people is $3325/mo, or slightly under $40,000/yr. Also, according to the 2024 Retirement Confidence Survey from the Employee Benefit Research Institute, nearly 30% of people have virtually nothing saved for retirement, and 33% have less than $50,000 in total savings and investments.  

It is always sad to sit with couples in counseling who have come to retirement age with nothing but Social Security income, and often with debt as well. It puts them at or below the poverty level with little hope for a better financial future. Plus, when one of the spouses passes on, one of the Social Security checks disappears. It might necessitate getting back into the working world when jobs are hard to acquire.

Social Security benefits were never designed to be a substitute for a retirement plan – just a short term supplement when life expectancy was much shorter than it is today. 

Because money can be such a huge area of conflict in a marriage I thought it would be wise to emphasize the importance of taking a serious stance on putting away money for the future no matter what age you might be or what your marital status is at the moment.

What I found to work is:

• Create a very conservative spending plan and stick to it. (I use Quicken to help automate the process.)

•  Treat all raises as money that can either reduce debt or increase savings. 

• Maximize all contributions to employer and government sponsored retirement plans to the best of your ability (401K, 403B, IRA, etc). 

• Take a Dave Ramsey or Crown Financial course. 

• Have automatic withdrawals set-up when possible. It often feels painful to write out a check to a retirement account you might not use for 30-40 years. Think about how it would feel if you had to write separate checks for Federal, State, Social Security, Medicare and SDI taxes every paycheck. (Actually, that might be a good thing.) 

• Use financial counselors when needed. 

• Question and resist new technology – it can be very expensive to keep up with all the newly available offerings. New tech becomes old tech very rapidly.

• Talk to your spouse regularly about money and spending and make sure you are on the same page so that one of you doesn’t sabotage your plan. 

• Dump the entitlement mentality. Never use the phrase “I deserve”. The Bible tells us what we deserve – that’s why we need a Savior. 

What is the goal here? It’s so that you can be a help, rather than a hindrance to others. 

Emotional (Dys)Regulation

 

When Nan and I were in counseling back in the late 1980’s we took a comprehensive psychological assessment. Among other measurements it pinpointed aspects of our personalities. I can’t say that I remember most of it, but one category stood out to both of us. And that was our struggle to manage our emotions during conflict.

What we discovered was that during an argument we could dysregulate somewhat rapidly. And simultaneous dysregulation leads to symmetrical escalation. What that means in plain terms is that the ever increasing intensity of both our feelings were driving our responses into the red zone. Our parasympathetic (emotional braking) systems were out of whack.

But our counselor David saw something in the assessment that was very helpful. Although we both had high scales in this particular category, he pointed out that mine was lower. And he assigned the job of de-escalation to me. (Thanks for nothing, David). But the truth is, he was right. I discovered that I did have the greater ability to slow the escalation down. I just didn’t always want to do it. (There’s that sin nature!)

Think about your relationship. Do you tend to “one up” each other in a conflict? That’s symmetrical escalation. If you do, is it because you believe you have no control over your tongue? Or might you be more like me and see trouble coming, but not want to restrain yourself. Those delicious but biting remarks seem so tasty at the moment, don’t they? Unfortunately the Bible has a lot to say about not controlling our tongues. They can speak life or death into a marriage.

Often the escalation of our emotions takes place in our head before we even address the issue with our partner. We fuel it with our ruminating thoughts.

So what can you do?

• You will definitely have to get a firm grip on your destructive self talk.

• You can process the big feelings with God until you are confident that you can manage to keep them relationship-sized.

• You may need to talk with a safe person who will listen to you and help you deescalate your intensity.

• You can surrender your insistence on having the last word in argument.

If you are already dysregulated the best tactic I have found is withdrawing temporarily until you calm down. I believe there is always a jumping off point if we decide to look for it and choose it. It may be difficult in the heat of a conflict, but it will always work. Have an agreement with your spouse that if either of you needs to take a “time out” that you both will honor it. It is not okay to follow an upset person and keep talking at them. Conversely, when we withdraw we must return after cooling down, and try to bring the issue to a resolution if at all possible.

One last note: dysregulation can also take the form of progressively shutting down and eventually emotionally freezing. In this case the solution is the same. It requires withdrawing until we are able to  "thaw out" and reengage. 

Regardless of which tendency we have, to power up or shut down, once we emotionally regulate we need to come back together, hopefully as friends.    

Which Way Do We Go? -- Walking In The Same Direction

 

One of the anchoring bible verses that we have used in our pre-engagement class is Amos 3:3 which asks this question:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

At first blush it is easy to answer “Well, duh!” But of course we are really asking the couple to consider whether they are in agreement with the direction they want to take as they anticipate putting their lives together. It is a serious question that sometimes only gets fully answered after the rings are on the fingers.

We push for couples to uncover in themselves any unconscious expectations that they hold as well as verbalizing the conscious ones. It’s always good to read the fine print of the contract you are about to sign.

What might these topics include?

• Where are we going to live?
• Do we both hold jobs once children come into the picture? Do we want children? How many?
• What level of lifestyle do we expect?
• Do we press for home ownership and a rooted life or a life of flexibility and adventure?
• Do we agree on how to spend money? Who controls the purse? Do we combine our money?
• Do we see spiritual, political and social issues similarly?
• What is our commitment to church attendance and engagement with that community?

As you can see I’ve only touched the surface of the possible questions to be asked. The assessments that are administered in classes like ours will illuminate many of these questions and will prompt some great discussions. But it is the unaddressed ones that may become troublesome.

If you are in a relationship considering marriage, how thoroughly do you think you have discussed these essential topics? If you are married, are you satisfied that you knew your mate and their aspirations pretty well before taking the plunge?

What if you find you are in a situation where your goals don’t align?

If unmarried, you can always have a “good goodbye”. That’s the most sure solution and might avoid a lot of future pain. But that may be very hard to do if you are very connected already. Then you might have to consider the same strategy as a married couple, which is to pursue realistic compromises. These compromises have to be negotiated with a humble attitude, giving weight to the other person’s desires. The decisions must not leave resentment in their wake or the process will have been a failure.

What can be negotiated? I believe anything that is in the category of “preferences” can be put on the table. However, sometimes our preferences are so strong that they become a “deal breaker”. They will fall into the category of a “must have”. At that point a strong disagreement may put the relationship in jeopardy. In a marriage particularly, this is a troublesome situation because it can become unresolved for years and be the content of many conflicts.

So, as always, do the homework and walk in the same direction with confidence and joy.

FLIP IT!

 

vecteezy.com

Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.