Which Way Do We Go? -- Walking In The Same Direction

 

One of the anchoring bible verses that we have used in our pre-engagement class is Amos 3:3 which asks this question:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”

At first blush it is easy to answer “Well, duh!” But of course we are really asking the couple to consider whether they are in agreement with the direction they want to take as they anticipate putting their lives together. It is a serious question that sometimes only gets fully answered after the rings are on the fingers.

We push for couples to uncover in themselves any unconscious expectations that they hold as well as verbalizing the conscious ones. It’s always good to read the fine print of the contract you are about to sign.

What might these topics include?

• Where are we going to live?
• Do we both hold jobs once children come into the picture? Do we want children? How many?
• What level of lifestyle do we expect?
• Do we press for home ownership and a rooted life or a life of flexibility and adventure?
• Do we agree on how to spend money? Who controls the purse? Do we combine our money?
• Do we see spiritual, political and social issues similarly?
• What is our commitment to church attendance and engagement with that community?

As you can see I’ve only touched the surface of the possible questions to be asked. The assessments that are administered in classes like ours will illuminate many of these questions and will prompt some great discussions. But it is the unaddressed ones that may become troublesome.

If you are in a relationship considering marriage, how thoroughly do you think you have discussed these essential topics? If you are married, are you satisfied that you knew your mate and their aspirations pretty well before taking the plunge?

What if you find you are in a situation where your goals don’t align?

If unmarried, you can always have a “good goodbye”. That’s the most sure solution and might avoid a lot of future pain. But that may be very hard to do if you are very connected already. Then you might have to consider the same strategy as a married couple, which is to pursue realistic compromises. These compromises have to be negotiated with a humble attitude, giving weight to the other person’s desires. The decisions must not leave resentment in their wake or the process will have been a failure.

What can be negotiated? I believe anything that is in the category of “preferences” can be put on the table. However, sometimes our preferences are so strong that they become a “deal breaker”. They will fall into the category of a “must have”. At that point a strong disagreement may put the relationship in jeopardy. In a marriage particularly, this is a troublesome situation because it can become unresolved for years and be the content of many conflicts.

So, as always, do the homework and walk in the same direction with confidence and joy.