Realized Secure Attachment -- And A Free Quiz

 

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22

Within secular therapy there is a tern called “earned secure attachment”. The concept is that security can obtained through developmental experiences with others. Although I agree that this process works as a therapeutic intervention, it implies that for those with attachment wounds, it does not exist outside of our efforts to attain it.

I would like to introduce a different model of thinking, one that would be more aligned with Christian belief. I have renamed it “realized secure attachment”. It is still a process, but where it differs from secular thinking is that is does not imply that we must build a secure attachment, but rather accept that security has always existed in a relationship with God, through Christ.

As therapists, we act as transitional figures in the life of our clients, and bridge the gap between the natural and the supernatural. We do this by offering as close to unconditional love and acceptance as is possible. In essence, we model secure attachment, although imperfectly, while pointing the client to where a perfectly secure attachment has always existed.

Where I believe this has significance over the “earned” concept, is because insecurely attached clients may already struggle with performance issues related to their value. Earned security introduces the possibility of failing to achieve the goal, creating additional stress on the already anxiously attached client. It also negatively reinforces the beliefs of the avoidant, that they are on their own, that it’s all up to them to attempt to “fix it”.

And Now the Free Quiz

For quite a while now we have referred to a great free assessment from HowWeLove.com called the “Love Style Quiz”. It is an attachment style indicator that is very useful in navigating the likely conflict patterns that emerge in relationships in general, and marriages in particular.

There are five possible styles (or a combination of styles) that a person may have. Although the styles may be identified with other names in other attachment literature, the authors of this quiz use these five categories: Pleaser, Avoider, Vacillator, Controller, Victim

These are considered insecure attachment styles that were acquired during the early formative years that deal with perceptions of how loved, cared for and secure the child felt. In this assessment these styles are measured on a scale with lower numbers indicating greater secure attachment. The more secure we are, the more likely we are to navigate conflict well. The beauty of this quiz is it puts the styles of two people together to form a “core conflict pattern”. The core pattern then can be seen as the problem and not the two individuals.

Of course we can also be mostly securely attached (and there is a secure attachment quiz on the website for that also). But under stress we can regress and become more easily triggered. Being aware of our conflict pattern can help us to recognize it when it is beginning to emerge so we can catch it before it escalates any further. Yes, we may be tempted to ignore the warning signs, but we can be reassured by what the Bible says in 1Cor 10:13:

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

It is fun to wtch couples’ amazement when they look at a core pattern and immediately recognize it as their own. The phrase I often hear is “It’s spot on. How do they do that?” Then often some relief comes when they realize they are hardly unique in their struggles.

It will likely take some work to be proficient in shutting down the negative pattern, but it feels so satisfying when the end result is a more connected and peaceful relationship. And from a spiritual standpoint we know that we are becoming more formed into the image of Christ who has called us to be peacemakers.

I wonder how many reading this post will take the next step and participate in the love quiz? If you want to see what our (Nan and me) pattern is, check out the core pattern for the pleaser and the avoider. You are going to have to guess which of us is which style (our friends and clients will probably know). I can truly say that we have mostly conquered our core pattern over the years. Under stress do we regress? Sometimes, but not nearly as often.

If you would like to know the basics of attachment theory, check out this short animated video.

It's About You -- It's About Me

Attachment is the ability to bond to others. It is rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and others. And it determines how secure we feel.

Am I lovable? Are others willing to love me? Am I worthy of love? Are others even capable of love?

There are many more questions surrounding our ability to attach. Why is this important? Our beliefs will influence our ability to have healthy relationships with others. It will determine whether we feel needy or safe or suspicious or trusting or optimistic when forming bonds with others. It even influences our ability to trust that God is good or available to us.

These beliefs are developed during our early years, many of them before we can talk. As a newborn baby did I need medical intervention that included being poked with needles and isolated from my parents? When I cried was I comforted? When I was hungry was I fed quickly? Was I born into a tough situation where my caregiver was stressed and could not adequately provide for me?

Fortunately, as humans with the ability to think and grow, we do not have to be permanently hobbled by our beliefs. We can learn to dispel any lies that we have accepted about our worth or the worth of others.

Here is a quick assessment that can help you determine your attachment style – see which style you lean towards.

1.    A. I don’t like sharing my feelings with others.

       B. I really like sharing my feelings with my partner, but he/she does not seem as  open as I am.

       C. My feelings are very confusing to me, so I try not to feel them.

       D. I find it easy to share my feelings with people I’m close to.

2.    A. I don’t like it when my partner wants to talk about his/her feelings.

       B. My feelings can get out of control very quickly

       C. My feelings are very intense and overwhelming.

       D. I like it when my partner wants to share his/her feelings with me.                            

3.    A. I have a hard time understanding how other people feel.

       B. I worry about being alone.

       C. I feel torn between wanting to be close to others and wanting to pull away.

       D. I am confortable getting close to others, but I also feel comfortable being alone.

4.    A. When I get stressed, I try to deal with the situation all by myself.

       B. I worry about being abandoned in close relationships.

       C. My partner complains that sometimes I’m really needy and clingy and other times I’m distant and aloof.

       D. I expect my partner to respect who I am.

5.   A. My partner often complains that I don’t like to talk about how I feel.

      B. My partner complains that I am too clingy and too emotional.

      C. I have a difficult time letting others get close to me, but once I let them in, I worry about being abandoned or rejected.   

      D. I expect my partner to respond to my needs in a sensitive and appropriate way.

6.   A. I don’t really need close relationships.

      B. I strongly desire to be very intimate with people.

      C. I feel very vulnerable in close relationships.

      D. Building intimacy in relationships comes relatively easy to me.

    

7.   A. I highly value my independence and self-sufficiency.

      B. In my closest relationship, the other person doesn’t seem as desirous of intimacy and closeness as I am.

      C. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from myself and my feelings.

      D. I let myself feel my emotions, but I’m rarely, if ever, overwhelmed by them.

8.   A. I don’t worry about being alone or abandoned.

      B. I worry a great deal about being rejected by others.

      C. I can’t decide whether or not I want to be in close relationships.

      D. I am able to understand and respond sensitively to my partner’s feelings.

9.   A. I don’t worry about being accepted by others.

      B. I tend to value close, intimate relationships over personal achievement and success.

      C. Other people can really hurt you if you let them get too close.

      D. I do a decent job balancing my need for intimacy with my need for achievement and success.

10. A. I tend to value personal achievements and success over close, intimate relationships.

      B. When I get stressed, I desperately seek others for support, but no one seems as available as I would like them to be.

      C. Close relationships are difficult to come by because people tend to be unpredictable in their actions and behaviors.

      D. When I get stressed, I feel comfortable seeking comfort from my partner and/or close friends.

Key

Mostly:

A:  Avoidant attachment style  -- I'm worried about you

B:  Anxious attachment style  --  I'm worried about me

C:  Fearful attachment style   --  I'm worried about both of us 

D:  Secure attachment style  --       

The Owner Of Truth - Rigid Not Relational

One of the necessary qualities of a good relationship (or just plain getting along with people in general) is the ability to be flexible. Relationships thrive when there is an attitude of openness, not just toward decisions, but also in ideas and perspective.

Rigidity kills dialog, and dialog is necessary for mutual respect. And mutual respect is necessary for a close relationship. This does not mean you have to agree with the other person’s conclusions. It means that you are open to hearing them and giving weight to them and be willing to compromise when an action step is required.

I am not advocating chaos, which is the polar opposite of rigidity. Life needs order and structure – just not too much or too little. In Christ’s time the Pharisees were the picture of rigidity – rules and regulations to be followed without compromise. But Jesus was all about love. He put people first – over schedules and the material aspects of life. He, however, was not without structure – he always kept his mission and purpose in mind.

The lack of flexibility can come from what might be called ‘truth owning’. This is the belief that ‘I am right and you are wrong’ – and so you must conform to my ways.

People that hold this belief too tightly are relational hazards. 

They can become angry, sometimes very angry, when others do not recognize and surrender to their ‘truth’. They can become dictators in their own family or work place, and people will tend to avoid them or ‘walk on eggshells’ around them.

If you are one of these truth owners, you have some work to do. You must make modifications to your belief system. Only God is the source or owner of ultimate Truth. Our truth is our perspective and opinion. 

Sometimes rigidity may come from an obsessive-compulsive nature that needs to be brought under control. If you are unable to do that on your own then you may need help. When your belief is that it does not need to be brought under control (because I am right, and if everyone was like me the world would be a better place) then you may be dealing with a personality issue that needs even deeper help.

Proverbs 16:12 There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.

So, where are you on the flexibility scale?  

Love Never Gives Up: 5 Things Girls Must Do

I have felt blessed and excited lately with all the young women I see meeting the guys that they will probably marry. It seems like an explosion of activity!

When other’s see this, from the outside, it seems like ‘it”, a lasting relationship, “just happened” for these people.  Yet, God knows, and only they know, how much prayer and perseverance has gone into finding the ‘right’ person.

I have noticed several qualities in gals who have persevered:

1. They have put God first in their lives.

2. They have kept seeking Him, and praying for His will.

3. They have had a ‘yes face’ to opportunities.

4. They have continued to be ‘actively available’ even when they are getting weary.

5. They will go the ‘extra mile’ by engaging at church, online, and other opportunities to connect with Christian guys.

It is true that some gals have done all of these things, and have not seen results over a long period of time.  I would recommend to anyone who has this experience to get together in a group of gals who are also wanting a relationship, and pray for one another, and, if desired get extra support to be able to continue to persevere.

Sometimes there are ‘blind spots’ in our approach to life that gets in our way, and we need to face those, and get some healing, so we can  be ready for the kind of guy we really want.

Marriage is not a guarantee in life, nor is having children, but it is a worthy desire and a beautiful dream. Some people say to me, ‘but what if I actually try, and nothing happens.”  And, my response is, “Then you have tried for a good and beautiful thing, and you have nothing to be ashamed of if it doesn’t happen!”

Dave and I tried for quite a few years to have our own child, and ‘it’ never happened. I am very glad that we tried -- we did a good thing. I had to grieve the loss eventually when it became apparent that ‘it’ wasn’t going to happen, but I do not regret my desire or my grief.

According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, by age 35, 88% of women who have not had a child out of wedlock and 70% who have, will get married. If you are a born again Christian there is a 19% greater chance you will be married than an agnostic or atheist. Since there is not a real expiration date on when you can get into a relationship, I pray that if it’s your desire to be married, you will not give up!

Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 1 Cor. 12:7

Assume I’m The Good Guy

I was struck by a statistic I heard at a seminar recently concerning unresolved conflict in marriages. The statistic was this:

            Couples who judge their marriage as unhappy are not in agreement 69% of the time.

Well, I thought, that makes sense. How can we have a good marriage if we can't agree with one another? But the surprising statistic I heard was this:

           Couples who judge their marriage as happy are not in agreement 69% of the time.

Wow, if it’s exactly the same, what then is the difference?

I thought about it for a while and it occurred to me that it must directly relate to our perception in a conflict. Or probably more accurately it relates to my belief about my spouse, during the time I am in conflict with her.

If I believe that she is not for me, or more harshly, that she is against me – I am likely to view the lack of agreement as compounding evidence that the relationship is in trouble. 

If, on the other hand, I can remember that this person that I love, and loves me in return, is just not in agreement with me on whatever the current issue, I am able to see the relationship in a much better light.

It really comes down to assuming positive intent on the part of the other person (innocent until proven guilty). As I like to tell my wife Nan when things get edgy between the two of us:

            Assume I’m the good guy!

Just that simple statement sometimes brings enough perspective for us to get through the impasse. Of course, I also have to check my attitude and make sure I have positive intent.

           

But it is true that many things in our relationship just don’t get resolved. When it comes to money I am a saver by nature. She is less conservative – and that tension will always exist. Nan is always ready to say ‘yes’ to a party, whereas I want to have time to think about it first before making a decision. I could list many other instances where we are not in agreement. But we don’t assume that the other person is trying to make our life difficult. We just have different preferences. 

In the Bible, Paul admonishes us to come to agreement, and I believe the best way is to make compromises and try to work with each other the best that we can.

Philippians 2:2 (NLT) Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

So really the only difference between happy and troubled is a core belief. In our relationship our core belief is that we are for each other.

How about you?