The Road Back

 

There will undoubtedly be an enormous amount written about the 2020 pandemic in the years to come. There already has been. There will be studies and statistics about the damage done that will compare these years to other times of civil disruptions. There will be predictions, and some will turn out to be relatively accurate. In our field of mental health I would expect the fallout from this trauma will be lengthy and significant. The trauma in this case is not an event, like a serious car accident, but one of deprivation.

What were we deprived of?

Many things. We could list physical comforts like products and services, but those would probably be lower down on the list. What will stand out, however, will be the effects of fear-based isolation and all the uncertainty that surrounded us. And that isolation bubble traveled with us, too – to shopping, workplaces, and gatherings of any sort. Schools were shut down and went online as were so many other institutions. We were deprived of familiar human interactions and normalcy. As one person told me just this week, “Left by myself, ‘beer-thirty’ got earlier and earlier.”

To add to the misery, we have been going through a season of social and political unrest. We have treated people who don’t hold the same opinions and health protocols as we do as enemies. We have become afraid of each other. Are you going to give me a potentially fatal disease? And in many instances ideology has become more important than civility and spirituality. Our fragmentation has become a huge problem. And the tragedy here is that the only real source of emotional comfort is other people.

The first will be last

It is expected that the last to fully recover will be first responders, healthcare workers, clergy, counselors, caregivers and a myriad of other leaders. They are all in a group of people who have had to make decisions and navigate through the uncertainty without a map – all while managing their own anxieties. Their recovery will begin when everyone else is taken care of, possibly two years delayed. There has been enormous stress on these leaders to keep people from giving in to fear and detaching from community. I have seen up close the damage done to leaders by scared and angry people. Even though these leaders understand intellectually, emotionally they have felt betrayed, misunderstood, and judged harshly.

What you can do?

It is time to “re-friend” people. We cannot thrive emotionally if we don’t move in this direction. Start with a fearless moral inventory. Where have you forgotten who you are? Where have you acted out of character? Who do you need to apologize to? Do you need to confess, repent or make amends? These are all intentionally restorative and relational moves. Agreement cannot be the basis for your relationships. In marriages we don’t agree all of the time, yet we maintain relationship. You shouldn’t expect it from less intimate connections. We must find our way back to mutual support and unity. It is up to those of us in faith communities to model what we believe. We must lead on the road back.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3

Who Are “Your People”

 

I have been doing some reading on brain science lately. It is a fascinating journey into what many call the last frontier of exploration into the human body. Of course this is the part of the body that most affects our counseling world. It is where everything is stored and processed. The brain is where secure attachment is formed, or wires get crossed.

The Good News

Our brains are perfectly designed to provide the structures for successful living. Between both lobes of the brain we are able to sustain physical functioning as well as mental and emotional acuity. The more we learn, the more we are able to understand and correct damage or errant programming.

We are learning that the greatest source of mental health and joy comes from stimulating the right hemisphere of the brain. This is the creative side that is wired for human connection. When we are around others who delight in us, we thrive. It is probably easiest to comprehend when we think of a parent looking into the face of their baby. The left lobe of the brain, which processes language, is not yet online. It is simply through visual connection that the baby receives the message that they are loved. That never changes. Who lights up when they see you? Those are “your people”.

The Bad News

Studies have shown that since at least 2013 there has been an increase in isolation, with a major jump during the pandemic years. We have become accustomed to life online in so many areas. There is a huge convenience in being able to do many things virtually. We now pay bills, do our banking and shopping without having to leave our homes. Entertainment is delivered to our devices. But we lose contact with other human beings. I am grateful that we have the time saving benefit of many of these things, but instead of using the time gained to connect with others, we often just spend more time alone. And the result? It has been suggested that this is the primary reason for the massive escalation of depression and anxiety that we have been experiencing. And it is particularly evident in children and younger people, especially teens.

The Fix – Make God’s People Your People

It should be easy to figure out that reducing isolation and spending more time with “your people” will increase the levels of joy in your life. Introverts will probably need more “one-on-one” time, and extroverts more “one-on-many”. And other people need you to show up to be their source of joy as well. We are natural imitators of others, and that can be a good thing when the people we want to be like are moral, healthy (relatively speaking) and endeavoring to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally in love and kindness. This is a picture of Christ’s intended church. You probably don’t need more information in you life, at least not the kind you get from endlessly scrolling the Internet. What you do need is more connection. More laughter. More joy.

If you haven’t already, make God’s people your people. We are hardly perfect, but we are headed in the right direction. Join us. Connect with us.

NOISE

 

Sound that is loud, unpleasant, unexpected, or undesired. A loud outcry or commotion.

I have always been sensitive to noise. Not sound. Sound has been one of my biggest joys in life. You all know what I mean – music, laughter, rain, voices of the people we love. Sound is truly a gift from God.

Noise, on the other hand, comes in many forms and is not necessarily auditory. There are unwelcome sounds, like the barking of a dog when we are trying to sleep, helicopters or jet airplanes that seem like they are about to land in our living room. We could all name many more sources of unwelcome sounds. But for me, those are not the most troubling.

The noise of negativity, fear and emotional conflict is the loudest and most distressing. It is like a huge vacuum cleaner sucking up joy and peacefulness. And I let it happen. Sometimes I even pursue it. Or create it. At the least I feed it.

As a counselor I spend a lot of time trying to help people reduce the emotional noise in their lives. Inaccurate beliefs, misinformation and trauma all create a mind full of chaos. The result is confusion – a lack of clarity. When we can’t see beyond the noise we might become impulsive, compulsive or frozen.

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14

I don’t know if I can call doomscrolling evil, but I can safely call it unproductive and feeding on garbage. It adds to the noise and it never produces peace. It produces all kinds of pessimistic feelings. Fear, sadness, powerlessness and anger are all the outcome of hours spent entertaining oneself with negative social media. Looking for the worst in people we interact with is a type of emotional doomscrolling.

There are at minimum two things that every human being needs to thrive emotionally: love and safety. Studies have shown that deprived of these, we will also suffer physically. In the extreme, the lack of either of these two conditions will produce trauma that may take years to unravel.

So how do we turn down the noise?

On the receiving side we must distance ourselves from the sources that produce the noise. Some years back I had become addicted to talk radio programs. I had to break the habit. I was feeding more on the media and less from the word of God. I changed my listening diet. Much earlier in my life there were toxic people with whom I had to restrict or break my connection. It was not easy, but it gave me room for healthier relationships.

On the giving side we can be the source of kindness. It is a powerful antidote to all the anxiety and stress that people are enduring these days. Kind connection. Ready smiles. Gentle words. Patience. Practice gratitude every day. All of these help to turn down the noise.

“Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony”
Colossians 3:14

The Future Of Work

 

Because Nan and I have been primarily working remotely and because I was a business owner for 27 years, I have a lot of interest in the subject of the future of work. Since the pandemic, as everyone is aware, the landscape has dramatically changed. It was like an earthquake, a volcano eruption or a hurricane hit the way we were able to conduct our working lives.

All sources that I have read agree on one thing: hybrid work is the new normal for a great many of jobs.

Of course there are many hands-on jobs that can only be performed in the traditional manner. That goes without saying. But many others are not dependent on physical location. The question becomes what is optimal for both the employer and employee. That might be two different opinions.

The self-employed and entrepreneurs have the most autonomy for making these decisions. Some jobs, by nature lend themselves to the option of remote work – primarily those that are desk-bound in some way or another. Others, which are location specific do not have that alternative choice. Some jobs may place boundaries of a different kind. Licensure or legal permits may narrow down the possibilities.

As I read through the many articles and studies that have written in the last year or so one statistic seems fairly stable. Most people with the option of WFH (work from home) still prefer to have some direct contact with others they work with. Employees are most satisfied when they have flexibility and choice.

Managers Are Stuck In Between

This has been a tough road for management who has to decide on the productivity of a hybrid arrangement, or even full time WFH. Most statistics show that productivity does not go down or even may go up slightly to significantly. What it has revealed is that what has changed is the time frame in which work is performed. Rigid nine to five schedules often will have given way to work performed during alternate times. This is a real benefit to parents and to those who work best in the early morning or late evening. It changes or eliminates commute times and may ease traffic patterns. But it often places additional stress on managers trying to maintain a cohesive work flow.

In looking back at the company we owned, a hybrid schedule could only have worked for some of my employees – those that did the “front office” work. Our outside sales force already did not spend much time in the office (non-productive), but our order fulfillment crew had to be on the premises. From my viewpoint as a sales associate/owner, in-person contact was highly necessary to build relationships, and although desirable, was not necessarily essential to maintain clients. Having sold the business eight years ago, it would be interesting to see how current technology would have changed us. The rapid growth in the online world over the last 5 years could have really had an impact.

Although it would not have changed our particular space needs, for many businesses it has. I have already heard of downsizing and office sharing from some of my current counseling clients. I could see smaller work groups centered around location, but connected to the larger entity by video, or even “always on-camera” groups, but still working from home.

I do believe that as time goes on there will be at least a partial return to the physical office not only by mandate, but also by choice as the isolation feels less appealing. We are social creatures. We need each other to thrive, and part of the way we do that is through our work relationships. Even though Nan’s and my work by definition is relational, virtual connection is still virtual. We can feel a difference. And there is a massive difference between an online versus an in-person church service. Connection is absent – you are not “known”. 

I would suggest that if your work is virtual, you find other ways to maintain live connection, perhaps opting for at least a hybrid work life and in-person church.

It's All About ME!

One of the more difficult personality types to deal with is the narcissist. It is generally accepted that when it becomes extreme in a person, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) the ability to sustain a relationship with them can be nearly impossible. If you are married to someone with NPD, it is necessary to seek professional help. If you are in a dating relationship with someone you suspect is narcissistic to a pathological degree, it should be a big red flag – some therapists will tell you to run – and run fast.

Narcissism, as opposed to healthy self esteem, can be described as an inflated sense of self importance and excessive self focus. I am not going to go into theories about the formation of a narcissist or the sub-types here, but simply to help you recognize the signs in yourself or others. 

Mary is a pretty girl and easily connects with people. Men are naturally attracted to her outgoing and easy manner. The problem is, every conversation is about her – her life, her interests, her work and her friends. If you try to share some of you own experiences, she will always point out how your experiences relate to her own. Eventually you may become frustrated, but if you express how this makes you feel unheard or alone, she is unable to empathize with your feelings. Instead she will tell you how she feels about what you said – usually criticized or angry or some other defensive emotion. You are aware of how she once again brought the focus back on herself.

Mary probably lacks awareness of how she affects other people negatively. Or if she is aware, her need for attention overrides her ability to manage her behavior. It actually may be low self-esteem that anxiously drives her to maintain the focus on herself. The true narcissist will always see you as the problem in disagreements. They are superior, and your inability to recognize that fact is the difficulty.

What does the Bible say about this?

Romans 12:3 (NLT) Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

Other translations say that we should have a sober appraisal of ourselves – neither grandiose nor self debasing. When love is our goal, our focus will naturally shift to the other person.

I can honestly say that it took the transformative power of God to help me grow in this area. My counselor (also named David) told me that he believes most men are (at minimum) a little bit narcissistic and most women, (at minimum) a little bit hysterical. But men can be hysterics, just as women can be narcissists. And either can be an hysteric (excessively emotional) narcissist! It is only by the grace of God working in our lives that we can overcome these character defects.

How about you? Do you see this characteristic in yourself? Can you commit to grow in this area?

Video Based Care: The Journey

 

Years before the pandemic hit our shores we were experimenting with and incorporating video-based care support into The Relationship Center. We had done a bit of remote support by telephone with individual clients, which was adequate for some. But when it came to couples in particular, the telephone couldn’t cut it. I pressed to try the new video platform and Nan, although skeptical, was supportive.

The first opportunity came when we had a request to do some missionary support. The connection was spotty, but adequate. It fueled our interest even more. But the breakthrough came when Nan and I had a session with an out-of-the-area couple where we were able to read the body language of the woman, see the emotional shift, and facilitate her expression through tears. At this point I dug a lot deeper into the medium.

The next step was client driven. I had a couple of clients who were complaining about the amount of time the drive to and from their location took to attend a meeting. I suggested we could try video. They jumped on it, and in one case saved 90 minutes of travel time. Another client said they could use their lunch hour at work if we could do video. Done!

At this point, more clients started moving around, but didn’t want to end our sessions. Some were getting married and moving to a spouse’s location and others buying houses that they could afford out of the area. Client by client there were a lot of shifts.

Then the pandemic hit and everything went online. We didn’t have to scramble. We were set up and proficient at the platform. The only thing left was to do our best to help clients become familiar with it and make it as accessible as possible. That has been an ongoing task.

The Upside: No interruption of care

Since the pandemic clients have done sessions from many locations (home, car, work, park) and while tending to children, nursing babies, etc. They have used desktops, laptops, IPads, IPhones, Androids, Chromebooks, etc. And we have conducted sessions into distant cities, counties, states, countries and continents. At first there was some reluctance to the change, but now it is largely accepted, even if not preferred.

Today there are many possible video platforms to choose from, but from the beginning we have chosen to only offer those that are secure and HIPAA compliant. I originally landed on VSee Messenger, VSee Clinic and Zoom. Seeing that video appears to be built into our church VOIP (Ring Central), it may become the “go to” in the future, although we remain with VSee for now.

The Downside: Understanding some basics about the technology

As we progressed we have experienced quite a few shaky connections and dropped calls. We boosted our service and stabilized our end of the connection. We followed up with tech departments to check glitches. What we have found is that almost all of the problems have been at the client end. Here is what a client can do to minimize problems and dropped calls.

1. Use the strongest possible Internet connection possible. This is most important.

2. Close all unneeded applications while on your appointment.

3. Don’t drive during an appointment. Pull over to side of the road and find a strong connection if you must use your cell phone.

4. Run the app’s check-up to make sure the video and microphone and speaker/earbuds are working properly BEFORE THE SESSION STARTS. Each video platform offers this feature.

5. If you do get dropped from a call or the connection freezes for more than a few seconds, don’t panic – exit the call and come back into the waiting room and wait to be re-admitted.

The biggest downside: no hugs.

Are You One Of The Quiet People?

 

Some time back one of our relatives remarked “You are the quiet people.” I think it was an interesting way of reframing our tendency at times to be more than just introverted. It’s not shyness and it’s not antisocial. I am not exactly sure how to label it. But I have a high need to withdraw and be introspective a lot of the time. 

I might say “I am just not a morning person” because it seems I require a lot of time in the morning to come alive. But I’m not sure that is totally accurate, either. It feels more like I am a computer that downloaded software updates during the night and when I wake up all that data has to install before I can become operational. And during that time my need for quiet is intense.

Nan is a bit different. She might sleep later than me, but she tends to wake up pretty much “on”. But I know she needs blocks of quiet, too. Sometimes they coincide with mine and sometimes not. When they don’t there can be some friction.

This need for quiet can be interpreted as “unfriendliness” or arrogance or superiority sometimes. But that is not the truth. It is more a case of competing needs. Extroverts want to process out loud. Interaction energizes them – like coffee does for me – a quiet cup of coffee.

How about you? Are you one of the quiet people, too?

If you are I might suggest over-communicating your need for quiet or alone time to those around you. Don’t wait until you start to feel annoyed or irritated. It may seem better to a try to endure, but a kind request will probably be more effective.

If you are not one of the quiet people, you might also need to observe those you spend time around. Are they starting to withdraw even though you have not said anything offensive or controversial? You might want to check out if they are becoming overwhelmed or overloaded by the conversation. Again, a kind inquiry rather than taking offense or doing the all too prevalent mind reading or interpreting will serve you better.

Some extroverts can’t fathom how painful it is for a shy introvert to be the center of attention. And some introverts can’t imagine why anyone would want to get up in front of a group and stand out.

Again, I don’t necessarily think this just comes down to extroversion vs. introversion. I think there are variations of temperament or even traumatic events that need to be factored in as well. For me a quiet house means all is well. For others, quiet means that people are mad at each other and something bad is about to happen.

The best understanding would probably be to say that we exist along a continuum that represents both extremes, from super quiet to super expressive. And maybe some of us move along that continuum pretty fluidly. I have heard people at church declare adamantly to me “NO WAY are you an introvert.”

But then again, they haven’t seen me at home.

2 Things My Counselor Would Have Done Differently

 

Some time after my counseling with my therapist David Gatewood ended, we moved into a season of friendship and mentoring. I remember spending a day with him when he was participating in a radio program. On the way to the studio I asked him what he would do differently after having founded the counseling center and trained so many therapists.

He had two main points that he shared with me. To me they were somewhat surprising, but I took them as sage advice. At this point in my life I was definitely in a student mindset, not realizing I would become a care provider in the future.

So what would David would have changed?

1. He would not let his clients take their identity from their pathology.

We are first children of God, made in His image. I have struggles. Perhaps you have struggles. We are not our depression or anxiety or whatever. He said labeling will fix our identity in the wrong thing. It may seem like a subtle difference, but when I say I struggle with depression vs. I am depressed, I am expressing the process I am in to reach a healthier state. He said that labeling keeps our eyes fixed on what may feel shameful rather than on Christ who has the power to deliver us from all of our afflictions.

2. He would not allow most of his clients to stay in therapy as long.

This point is somewhat related to the above point. The longer we stay in counseling, the more likely we are to over identify with our pathology. He said he had shifted his thinking toward hope-focused language. He believed it would move clients along quicker. One thing he did with me which made all the difference was describing the person he saw I was designed to be, and was becoming. It was like painting a picture of a house that was being built that I was going to move into when I was ready. We did not primarily focus on the broken down shack that I was living in that was constructed of the inferior materials contributed by my family and me. Rather, he was telling me about the dwelling place that God intended for me to occupy.

What gets in the way?

Although confrontation is a necessary skill for counseling in many situations, it’s usually unpleasant –and most counselors (and pastors) tend to be people pleasers. Pleaser personalities can be viewed as having either a positive or negative effect. They can be peacemakers, but they can also tend to avoid hard confrontations. I believe it might be one of the reasons that therapy stretches on so long in some cases.

Another reason may be that the goal of the client might be to feel better, but not to get better and an unhealthy dependency has formed with their counselor. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes there is a legitimate need to have lengthy support, especially during long term crises situations. One client I had was dying of cancer and we stayed connected until the end.

Good therapy is informed by science, but it is an art form. There are many effective approaches, different counseling styles, and various therapeutic interventions. But all research agrees that a strong relationship between the counselor and the client is a core and essential requirement. David has been gone now for a couple of decades, but I’m forever grateful that I had that with him.

Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little

 

During one of our counseling sessions the other day Nan made a comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their ‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their feelings less.” I knew what she meant.

Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior, only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.

And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.

Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings make no rational sense.

The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event. Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which cause them additional pain.

I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are dysregulated.

Why Is This Important?

The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they grew up in.

In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those times it challenged the stability of the environment. Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an alcoholic family system.

I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.

So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank you for it.

The Blame Game – No Winners

 

This is one of those tough subjects to deal with in counseling. It is so common to want to point out other people’s faults, especially when we feel hurt and upset. But it rarely leads to any kind of positive outcome, even if we are right, maybe especially when we are right. When we blame others it will undoubtedly create a defensive posture in the other person(s).

Often I hear someone who is in full blame mode say:

“But I am just expressing my feelings.”

No, not really. You may be feeling wronged, hurt, sad, scared, frustrated or a lot of other feelings, but when you blame someone your intention is to make the other person feel bad or admit that they are wrong and responsible for your feelings. That is not the same thing at all. Blaming is the acting out of your interpretation and processing of your feelings. It is a response, not a feeling.

When I make a statement like “She made me angry.” I am saying that someone else has power and control over me. Blaming feels like a way of taking back control of myself, but really it’s a verification that I am out of control.

I must admit that I can fail at this pretty easily when I am overwhelmed. It’s so much easier to blame someone than it is to do the work of trying to understand, empathize or forgive. Blaming will shut down a dialog and damage a relationship. If you are like me, the process takes place rapidly in my head. I take offense and I want the other person to know it. Even if I don’t let the words come out of my mouth, my attitude and demeanor transmitted by my body language can say everything that I am itching to announce verbally.

Two anchoring Bible verses for me have been:

James 1:19 which says: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Matthew 12:36-37 (Jesus speaking) ^“And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.” 

I read that last verse and I think “I am sunk! I can’t even defend my words today, let alone every word ever. But then I remember other verses:

Romans 5:9 “And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.”

Romans 8:1 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”

I am restored. Redeemed.

But the takeaway from these verses is two things: 1) The speed at which you do things matters and 2) You have control over yourself. You are responsible for you and accountable to God.

There was an old commercial tag line that said “The pause that refreshes”. I think that can be applied very nicely in these situations. Taking a break will always give the rush of chemicals that assault our brain during a conflict time to settle down. The crazy leaves and the rational returns.

Make no mistake about it. There are no winners in the blame game – only losers.

I Can’t Breathe - Constrictive Relationships

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for air, like something heavy is pressing on your chest? It’s a really unpleasant experience. I have had several of those in recent memory, but I’m not going to go into dream analysis here. I just want you to connect with the feeling.

Sometimes relationships can feel a bit like my dream.

One of the more pleasant tasks of counseling is helping couples decide whether they should move forward towards engagement and marriage. We use assessments and other materials to evaluate the relationship, but often the feedback we give a couple is based on our intuition or perception.

With many couples the exchanges between them are easy and lighthearted. They listen well and respond appropriately. You can feel the love and respect. They act as cheerleaders for each other. These are the couples where it is easy for us to recommend going ahead with marriage.

But for some couples the atmosphere feels more like my nightmares – constricted and difficult. In marriage it usually only intensifies. What I mostly find at the root of the problem is a lack of trust resulting in attempts to control everything possible in the relationship. You may put pressure on your partner to account for their whereabouts at all times. You may require your partner to think like you, and never disagree. Your conversations feel more like interrogations to your partner. Your partner walks on eggshells around you or around certain subjects. In short, they want to run away.

Why might you lack trust?

·         Earlier abandonment – you have experienced emotional or physical withdrawal from people who should have remained steady and supportive for you. As a result you feel unsafe.

·         Your partner really isn’t trustworthy – they have proved time and again that their promises can’t be relied upon. Or perhaps they have been unfaithful and you have not fully dealt with the issue.

·         Anxiety and fear – often the byproduct of abandonment is insecurity and a heightened anxiety in relationships. Even when there are no indicators that you should mistrust your partner, fear drives you to try to control them. This usually results in your partner trying to pull away to get some breathing room.

·         Disorders – when you suffer from a more extreme form of anxiety (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or a personality disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder you may have a particularly tough time restraining your need to control. These are issues that must be dealt with professionally.

·         You have not been trustworthy and are projecting your feelings onto your partner. You have not confessed and repented of the sin in your life and been forgiven. Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, either.

The solution is to work on your issues before you destroy a relationship that you care about. Optimally this should be done before entering into marriage. But some things crop up during marriage and the quicker you recognize and deal with them the sooner you will experience health and happiness.

  

We Need To Talk!

 

There is probably no phrase that a woman can utter that strikes terror in the heart of a man more than:

“We need to talk!”

Guys hearing this may start to feel their heart rate climb, their blood pressure escalate, and the anxiety and fear level skyrocket. Calm down guys, I will interpret this for you.

What you hear is: “You’re in trouble, mister!” (The little boy inside the man sees danger ahead)

What she most likely means is: “I have an unmet expectation that I want to discuss.” (The little girl inside the woman is feeling….. something.)

I want to emphasize that her expectation may or may not be realistic. At this point it is inconsequential. Again, calm yourself down, put on your listening ears and make some time for her. This will deescalate her emotions, even if it doesn’t seem like it to you at the moment. She may hold an expectation that you can actually meet that will not be as painful as you fear.

Single ladies (in particular): a word of caution. Be very careful when using the phrase “We need to talk about ‘The Relationship’”. These days those are hot button words. You don’t want a guy to go all defensive on you. “The Relationship” is really you and him. It does not exist outside as a separate entity. There seems to be a lot of anxiety around DTR (determining the relationship), but it doesn’t need to be that way. Having a non-anxious conversation might be as easy as choosing a better way to initiate a discussion.

So what might be a better conversation starter?

How about: “I have some thoughts. Would you be willing to listen to them?” or “I’ve been thinking about you (us) lately and would like to process some things.”

He (or she) may still be skeptical, but will be less likely to throw up the deflector shield. A sure way to steer the conversation in a good direction is to lead with an affirmation. It could be anything. “I know you’ve been working hard” or “I know you never intend to hurt my feelings…” Any phrase like that is likely to reduces defenses and pave the way to a better discussion.

I have written this before, and I will state it again. Before you bring up a volatile or touchy subject, be sure to check your anger at the door. If you need to emote, do it where it won’t be heard by the one you are upset with. Process with a trusted same sex friend if need be. Then bring the “sanitized”, less toxic version to the other person. ⁱ

You’ll thank me later.

The Problem With Disagreement

 

One of the perspectives I seek out in counseling is what I call “continuum thinking”. It is my resistance to all or nothing, either/or, polarized viewpoints.

This morning I was thinking about what annoys me so much about a lot of the discourse that takes place on social media, other public or private settings and with couples on the counseling couch. And it is this: the vehemence with which some people will hold their opinions. I have been guilty of this, and if you are honest, you probably have been too.

The continuum I am referring to in this case is based on the intensity that is exhibited during one of these “discussions”.

Disagreeing ____________________ Argumentative _____________________ Abusive

I would judge the level of maturity as declining from left to right on the above chart.

I have observed that people will often hold their opinion as “Truth or Fact” when it is simply their perspective, or they are repeating someone else’s. There is objective truth, but our emotional connection to certain issues will sometimes confuse or blindside us. We must be very careful that we hold our opinions gently so that we do not create relational distance and chaos.

When it comes to social media, there is a lot of hearsay, as well as sound bites that are taken out of context. We can become victim to these repetitions and become part of the problem if we are not careful. Once we put our words out there, they are hard or impossible to retract. They might follow us around for a long time after our opinion has changed. I would ask you to consider carefully before speaking or posting anything in anger or haste.

Nan and I have both experienced people that have not been able to accurately place their behavior on the above chart. I have seen some believe they are disagreeing when they are really being very abusive – and others who will label their partners as abusive when they are really just not agreeing with them. This is one of the reasons why an outside perspective can be so helpful. The way a person sees things can be a huge blind spot. We need others to lovingly confront us at times. And it should be our goal to lovingly present our disagreements to others.

There are those who believe that they have a right to express themselves to others anytime they desire. It may be true that they have the ability or power to do that, but I would suggest that along with that power comes responsibility. That responsibility is to keep the positive goal in mind. It is very unlikely that someone will be convinced by negative, argumentative, defensive or hostile communication. Rather they will probably withdraw or become more resistant. If your need is to be heard, then process your feelings alone until you can present them in a receivable way.

I’m feeling pretty passionate about this right now because I have seen some real relational ruptures lately. Friends turn on one another, people leave the church, and couples split up. When this happens we have not displayed the kind of unity that Christ has called us to as a believing body. We have let politics, social issues and specific theologies divide us from our ultimate purpose. How would you respond?

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others." James 3:17

The Five Stages Of Change

 

We have said it before. We have written about it before. Real change is real hard.

I was reminded of this recently when I was reading through a book written by a therapist. She was presenting the Transtheoretical Model (TTM) of change (Prochaska and DiClemente). It is the idea that change happens in stages. This particular model has 5 primary stages, although I have heard of other models having up to 8 stages.

I think it is helpful to expect change to occur over a period of time, rather than all at once. I have a friend who was struggling with substance abuse who was able to make a radical pivot in his life and never look back. He stands out in my mind because this kind of change is rare. Yes, there are miracles – and we pray for them. But mostly we have to do the hard work to acquire the results we desire.

So what are the stages of the TTM model?

Stage 1: Precontemplation

This is the denial stage. There is little or no awareness that a change is needed. It will probably take some sort of trigger event to move someone into the next stage. It might be a severe medical warning from a doctor or a threat of divorce.

Stage 2: Contemplation

This is the phase where a person starts thinking of the pros and cons of making a change. The denial is broken, but the reality of the challenge becomes apparent. Will it be worth it? It is really necessary? Can I do it?

Stage 3: Preparation or Determination

In this stage a person will not just think about the change, but make the decision whether to move forward or abandon the change. They may take some action. For example they might inquire about a therapist, coach or program. Or they may gather materials needed for the change and start educating themselves. This is also the stage that lends itself most to procrastination.

Stage 4: Action

This is the stage where there is a behavioral change. The diet program is followed. Morning devotions are started. Their attitude becomes positive and encouraging instead of critical and angry.

Stage 5: Maintenance or Perseverance

For me, this is the hardest stage. It means breaking a pattern or habit. I seem to be able to make temporary changes pretty easily. It’s keeping it moving that is hardest for me and probably for most. I have always told clients that my definition of trust is consistency over time. Often couples in counseling can be nice to each other for a short time, but then fall back into their bad habits.

Every stage of the change process can benefit by being covered in prayer. But I am thinking that praying Psalm 139: 23-24 for stage 1 might be a great start.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“