The Problem With Disagreement

 

One of the perspectives I seek out in counseling is what I call “continuum thinking”. It is my resistance to all or nothing, either/or, polarized viewpoints.

This morning I was thinking about what annoys me so much about a lot of the discourse that takes place on social media, other public or private settings and with couples on the counseling couch. And it is this: the vehemence with which some people will hold their opinions. I have been guilty of this, and if you are honest, you probably have been too.

The continuum I am referring to in this case is based on the intensity that is exhibited during one of these “discussions”.

Disagreeing ____________________ Argumentative _____________________ Abusive

I would judge the level of maturity as declining from left to right on the above chart.

I have observed that people will often hold their opinion as “Truth or Fact” when it is simply their perspective, or they are repeating someone else’s. There is objective truth, but our emotional connection to certain issues will sometimes confuse or blindside us. We must be very careful that we hold our opinions gently so that we do not create relational distance and chaos.

When it comes to social media, there is a lot of hearsay, as well as sound bites that are taken out of context. We can become victim to these repetitions and become part of the problem if we are not careful. Once we put our words out there, they are hard or impossible to retract. They might follow us around for a long time after our opinion has changed. I would ask you to consider carefully before speaking or posting anything in anger or haste.

Nan and I have both experienced people that have not been able to accurately place their behavior on the above chart. I have seen some believe they are disagreeing when they are really being very abusive – and others who will label their partners as abusive when they are really just not agreeing with them. This is one of the reasons why an outside perspective can be so helpful. The way a person sees things can be a huge blind spot. We need others to lovingly confront us at times. And it should be our goal to lovingly present our disagreements to others.

There are those who believe that they have a right to express themselves to others anytime they desire. It may be true that they have the ability or power to do that, but I would suggest that along with that power comes responsibility. That responsibility is to keep the positive goal in mind. It is very unlikely that someone will be convinced by negative, argumentative, defensive or hostile communication. Rather they will probably withdraw or become more resistant. If your need is to be heard, then process your feelings alone until you can present them in a receivable way.

I’m feeling pretty passionate about this right now because I have seen some real relational ruptures lately. Friends turn on one another, people leave the church, and couples split up. When this happens we have not displayed the kind of unity that Christ has called us to as a believing body. We have let politics, social issues and specific theologies divide us from our ultimate purpose. How would you respond?

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others." James 3:17

What's My Nature?

I was thinking today about all the political debates already in full swing, how they often produce a lot of emotional interactions among people. Some people really enjoy the discourse, while others are offended or become negatively reactive. The same thing can happen in other areas of relationship as well.

I would ask a question of you. How easily offended are you, or how argumentative are you? Perhaps you are both.   

I have seen argumentative people damage relationships defending their positions on issues they really don’t care one way or another about. I have also seen people playing the victim, willing to end relationships for petty or imagined hurts.  

Often I have seen these two types paired, with painful results. 

In the instance of offense, have old hurts been triggered and unfairly attributed to the current situation? (See earlier post “Adding Points” 5/08/2010) Have I failed to develop a thick enough skin to weather the ups and downs of life? People can be insensitive at times without being hostile or intentionally hurtful. Can I make room for them? Am I able to forgive?

If I have an argumentative nature is it because I felt my opinions were discounted or ignored growing up? Or is my contrary posture a character defect that I need to work on so that I get along with people better. Being in a relationship with an argumentative person can be a real challenge.

I know I have been unnecessarily quarrelsome and self-righteous and it has stressed out our relationship at times. Fortunately time and God has softened this part of me. I still feel passionately about certain things, but I have learned to filter my responses and even hold my opinion at times.

Rarely do people come around to our way of thinking as a result of a cantankerous attitude. Neither do they have much compassion for, or want to get too close to someone who is always having their feelings hurt.

So in which area might you improve?  Challenge yourself with a spirit of humility.

Isaiah 57:15 The high and lofty one who lives in eternity, the Holy One, says this: “I live in the high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I restore the crushed spirit of the humble and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts.