The Hard Way is the Right Way

Every couple of years Nan & I attend an international Christian counseling conference in Nashville. One of the hard tasks is picking out the tracks (classes) that we will attend. There are so many that are enticing. Do we go to tracks that our friends are teaching, or do we go to the really popular ones, or do we choose tracks that will challenge our thinking?

John Townsend is presenting one that besides being popular also sounds intriguing. The title is: The Hard Way is the Right Way: Helping People Face What Must be Faced, and Succeed.

I am anticipating what he might tell us, and I know it’s not what most people want to hear.

I think of the many times I want to follow my feelings and bail out on a hard decision. Then I remind myself that not making a decision is a decision in itself. Ouch! If you are like me, you don’t like conflict. But I know that the path to resolving problems often takes us through the anxiety-producing valley of conflict.

I think of people I know who are facing a lot of financial turmoil. No choice seems to be a good one. There will be loss involved in any decision that they make. Having to choose a painful process is really hard. But it is the right thing to do if getting back to stability is their goal.

What hard choices do you have to face?

• Letting go of a bad relationship?

• Staying in a difficult marriage because you made a commitment before God and others?

• Making decisions about an aging parent?

• Doing an intervention on an addicted family member?

• Letting a child face the consequences of their bad choices? 

• Turning down a lucrative but immoral business decision? 

• Accepting reality when a fantasy is satisfying?

• Standing up for your faith when you know you will be rejected or ridiculed?

I’ll bet all of you could add to this list. I know I could. Really what we are talking about here is following your values rather when they are in conflict with your feelings. And perhaps that means really struggling to clarify and establish your values. Ultimately we will follow what we actually believe. If I don’t believe God is able to see me through a painful place, I will likely fold.

Just something to think about.  

Passion!

Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word “passion” in several ways. One of those definitions is considered obsolete these days: suffering. But I think it is very valuable to use that definition as it applies to life pursuits.

In this culture we would probably consider suffering a bad thing on a first glimpse. And the ways we try to avoid pain is legion. Just consider the popularity of drugs, alcohol and entertainment as methods to escape from boredom, loneliness and reality.

But our willingness to suffer for something we love or care deeply about is a worthy pursuit.

Don’t misunderstand me. I feel fear, or at least uncomfortable when it comes to the thought of suffering - especially when the pain is needless or pointless. But if I am passionate about the goal I am pursuing it changes my perspective.

• I am passionate about my marriage, but it has been painful at times.

• I am passionate about my career, and it has been very difficult as well. 

• I am passionate about my faith, and I have struggled with doubt and fear and guilt.  

• I am passionate about emotional wellness and my inner journey, but depression and anxiety has followed me along the road at times. 

         “Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith but they are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the passion of Christ.”  C. S. Lewis 

• I am passionate about the condition of our country, but I have suffered painfully with its decline. 

• I am passionate about music, but having self-discipline to practice on my instrument has not always been an easy pursuit.

Whatever you are not willing to suffer for, you are not ready for – relationships, especially.

What are you willing to suffer for? What means so much to you that you will push past the pain? What goal is so significant that you are willing to volunteer your precious time or money to achieve it? 

Psalm 105:4 (NLT)

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.

Love Never Gives Up: 5 Things Girls Must Do

I have felt blessed and excited lately with all the young women I see meeting the guys that they will probably marry. It seems like an explosion of activity!

When other’s see this, from the outside, it seems like ‘it”, a lasting relationship, “just happened” for these people.  Yet, God knows, and only they know, how much prayer and perseverance has gone into finding the ‘right’ person.

I have noticed several qualities in gals who have persevered:

1. They have put God first in their lives.

2. They have kept seeking Him, and praying for His will.

3. They have had a ‘yes face’ to opportunities.

4. They have continued to be ‘actively available’ even when they are getting weary.

5. They will go the ‘extra mile’ by engaging at church, online, and other opportunities to connect with Christian guys.

It is true that some gals have done all of these things, and have not seen results over a long period of time.  I would recommend to anyone who has this experience to get together in a group of gals who are also wanting a relationship, and pray for one another, and, if desired get extra support to be able to continue to persevere.

Sometimes there are ‘blind spots’ in our approach to life that gets in our way, and we need to face those, and get some healing, so we can  be ready for the kind of guy we really want.

Marriage is not a guarantee in life, nor is having children, but it is a worthy desire and a beautiful dream. Some people say to me, ‘but what if I actually try, and nothing happens.”  And, my response is, “Then you have tried for a good and beautiful thing, and you have nothing to be ashamed of if it doesn’t happen!”

Dave and I tried for quite a few years to have our own child, and ‘it’ never happened. I am very glad that we tried -- we did a good thing. I had to grieve the loss eventually when it became apparent that ‘it’ wasn’t going to happen, but I do not regret my desire or my grief.

According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, by age 35, 88% of women who have not had a child out of wedlock and 70% who have, will get married. If you are a born again Christian there is a 19% greater chance you will be married than an agnostic or atheist. Since there is not a real expiration date on when you can get into a relationship, I pray that if it’s your desire to be married, you will not give up!

Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 1 Cor. 12:7