Men, Music and Feelings

In couples counseling Nan will often say:

“Guys have feelings, too. Let’s give him a turn” (to bring up something for discussion.)

And to tell the truth, a lot of guys have trouble connecting with their feelings. Or more accurately, they may have a harder time interpreting and expressing their feelings. I think one of the reasons is that we, as men, have been given mixed messages about our feelings. On the one hand we might have been told to suppress our feelings as in:

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Suck it up.” “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it.”

And to be honest, sometimes that is wisdom. But we also hear about being “sensitive” and “getting in touch” with our feelings. This, of course, comes mostly from our women. And this is necessary for true intimacy with a mate.

The problem is if we are too expressive with our feelings we risk losing respect from our mate. If we are too restrained we risk losing connection and intimacy. It’s a fine balance we guys are supposed to maintain.

So do guys actually have feelings?

Have you ever seen a guy shredding on an air guitar? Have you ever seen a guy dominating on air drums? That’s some real feelings being expressed!

For those guys feeling challenged in this area, I suggest one way could be by adding a big dose of music to your diet – all kinds of music. Music has the ability to pull various emotions out of us: joy, anger, sadness, longing, loneliness, hopefulness, love, despair, silliness, nostalgia, adoration. It takes sampling a lot of different styles of music to expand our feelings repertoire – not just songs from the pop culture.

What we tend to do is listen to music that reflects our mood, rather than changes our mood. This also is helpful in getting in touch with our feelings. If I don’t know what I’m feeling, the music I listen to might give me a clue. Do I tend to listen to sweet classical music or joyful rock music, angry rap or cynical country? Do I use music to boost my mood, or to cope with life and/or escape from reality for a while? All of this is helpful to connect us with our inner world.

So, do guys have feelings too? Yes, but usually not as in your face as women do. Ladies, try this: put on some music and observe its effect on your guy. Does it change him in any way? Do you like what you see?

I love what worship music in particular does for me. I know that is why music was created in the first place – to connect us to God, to express our gratitude. But it also connects me to myself, to my feelings.  

I would like to make a shameless plug for a couple of my friends’ musical projects. Shameless because they are so excellent. Check out their web pages. Let their music enrich your life.

Jonas Aras & Jim Lownes

Jen Oikawa 

These are just a couple of recent projects I've selected from a multitude of talented artist friends.  

Saying “I Do or I Don’t”

It is always an anxious moment for a pre-married or pre-engaged client when they ask us this age-old question:

“Should I ask her to marry me?”

I almost never answer this question directly. I don’t believe I should be given this much power in someone else’s life. But what I do is try to lead them through some questions that might help them make a good decision. If we are seeing a couple that is undecided, we often ask them to do a homework assignment from a workbook that guides them through this process. We ask them to take a personal retreat and seek God for an answer.

Confusion over this decision may come when boundaries have been crossed. A relationship may have become too intimate too quickly – especially when sexual boundaries have been discarded. We may feel very close, allowing our heart to rule over our head. Feeling close is not the same as being well-matched. It’s especially easy to ignore important signs when a relationship is relatively new and in the infatuation stage (less than six months or so).

This heart over head, or head over heart question is extremely important to the longevity of a relationship. If out of balance you may be opening up your life to either chaos or coldness, which might not be sustainable. 

Ask yourself these questions: 

• Will he/she make a good parent?
• Can I trust this person completely?
• Will I fit into his/her family system?
• Do we have common goals?
• Is there any hint of abusiveness, physical or emotional?
• Is he/she emotionally mature?
• Are there any addictions that are not healed (drugs, alcohol, spending, sex)?
• Are there any character issues that worry me (lying, angry, irresponsible, needy)?
• Will we be partners, both carrying the weight of the relationship or will one person function more like a dependent child?
• Do we resolve conflict effectively?
• Do we apologize and forgive easily?
• Is he/she possessive, jealous, manipulative or controlling?
• Do I feel safe with this person? 

Intense feelings of love are not sufficient to sustain a lifetime marriage. The right questions have more to do with direction, purpose, respect, integrity and commitment. Those are questions that have to be answered with courage and rigorous honesty. 

A good goodbye is so much better than a painful life.   

If you are married, and struggling with some of these issues, take heart. There is always an opportunity to heal old wounds, build some relationship skills, and change some bad habits. Those things also take courage, honesty and just plain hard work. You may have to lead the process in your relationship. Start with prayer, surrender your heart, and get good counsel.  

Is Crying For Women Only?

I grew up thinking that the phrase “a good cry” was an oxymoron. Those words didn’t fit together in my estimation. It was the same with “good grief”. Huh?

I since have come to realize that both can make sense. How did I form my negative opinion about crying? Perhaps it’s because I heard the admonishment:

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

I’ll bet I wasn’t the only one to hear that, either. Whatever. But I think the message was clear – crying isn’t a good thing, maybe especially for boys. Fast forward a lot of years and I learn that perhaps I was a little hasty in my evaluation. This is closer to the truth. 

• Crying actually is one way the body rids itself of certain toxins. What contributes to these toxins? Stress. Tears remove some of the chemicals built up in the body from stress, like the endorphin leucine-enkaphalin. And we all know that stress contributes to higher blood pressure, heart disease and ulcers. 

• Crying kills bacteria.  Tears contain lysozyme which can kill up to 95% of bacteria within 5-10 minutes. How many times do you wipe your eyes not knowing that you are transferring bacteria from your environment? Crying is better than one of Monk’s wipes.

• Crying can elevate our mood. I remember a lyric from an old Joni Mitchell song (People’s Parties):

“Laughing and crying, you know it’s the same release.”

 Laughing makes us feel good, and often so does crying. 

• Crying helps us to get support from other people. Think of a baby. The baby cries out of a need and people hopefully come to its aid. The same can happen for adults. When I cry because of pain or sadness, people will often come to comfort me. It is why being in community is so essential. Crying alone is overrated. 

• What’s the downside of crying? It can be manipulative. A baby cries out of need, but often a toddler cries when he doesn’t get his way. Adults can do the same thing. It is one of the great fears of men when faced with a crying woman. How should I interpret this? Is this something I should take seriously (a legitimate need) or is she trying to control me? If it is the latter he will quickly learn to tune you out. You can only “cry wolf” so many times. So women ask yourself this question: Is comfort enough for me or do I have to get my way? 

Depending on your culture, crying may be normal or extremely hard to do. It may be seen as a weakness, especially for men. Our early messages carry a lot of weight. Also, we have basic temperaments that will contribute to the ease with which we cry. Women seem to have a much easier time. If a “chick flick” doesn’t leave room for crying, it’s not really authentic to the genre. Nan chooses films, books and magazines that make her cry. I never do that on purpose, but sometimes I accidentally get hijacked.

What about you? Where do you stand on crying? Good or bad, necessary or annoying? For girls only?

Oh, by the way -- John 11:35  "Jesus wept."