9 Tips For Men For Successful Dating

The other day I was listening to an interesting show on the radio. It was talking about first dates and all the weird, crazy and dumb things that people have experienced. Although some things have changed since I was a young, hormone-driven dating candidate, I don’t believe men and women have. I base my opinion on stories and complaints my single clients have shared with me over the years. One thing in particular has not changed:

Women still want to be pursued, chosen.

This means that the old concept of “winning the woman” is still very much alive. If guys ignore this, they may miss out on worthy women. If women pretend that this doesn’t really matter, they may never feel chosen.

Here are some tips for the men.

• Make the first call. Ask for contact information and follow through. Don’t ask to exchange numbers or email addresses.

• Don’t ignore courtesies like saying “please”, “thank-you”, opening doors for her, etc. You will stand out above the crowd if you do these things.

• Dress appropriately on a date. Yes, that means dress up at least as nicely as she does or even better. It makes her feel special. And do let her know where you are taking her so she can dress suitably for the venue.

• Keep your hands off of her. It is disrespectful to assume you have any kind of access to her body just because she said “yes” to a date. Treat her as if she might become your best friend’s wife. It could happen.  
• Don’t talk about sex or your “ex”. These conversations are for way down the line.

• Pay for the date. Don’t ask that she split the bill – and let her know up front that you want to treat her. Pick something you can afford – even if it’s just modest.       

• Choose a public and lively atmosphere for first dates. Intimate restaurants and meeting places are for serious relationships.

• Don’t overshare. Keep the conversation light and polite. She doesn’t need to know that you battled depression or that you wet your bed until you were 14. Those are details best saved for much later. Limit talking about other people, especially people she doesn’t know (like your family).  

• Ask her general questions about herself and her life, not intimate details. And keep the conversation balanced between talking and listening. Don’t dominate the conversation or fail to participate. Listen for the kinds of activities that she enjoys so that you can use that information for planning other dates if you are interested in pursuing the relationship.

 As a believer, you are representing Christ. You should match your behavior to your beliefs. You are worthy of respect, but you must also act respectable. It will pay dividends as you pursue a lifelong relationship.

Breakups and Makeups

When Nan and I were 19 we had a breakup. We had been dating for about three years and she had gone off to live on campus at UCLA. We did our best to keep things going for a while, but somewhere into her second year we called it quits. It was painful. And it was a good choice. We were too young and too inexperienced. We both needed to stretch and grow and experience a bit more life.

We stayed apart for less than a year, but it was long enough to know that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence.

I am concerned, however, when dating couples experience multiple breakups, especially when they are not in their teen years. When I see this happening it is a red flag for me. I can imagine that these are the same couples who threaten divorce often when things get strained in their marriage.

What is going on here? 

Just like Nan and me were back then, one or both people are not mature or emotionally stable enough to sustain an adult relationship.

I see a breakup as a good thing most of the time. The couple has recognized through the process of dating that there are factors that are, or would become long term problems. It especially takes courage when the relationship has a lot of time and effort behind it. 

Why might a couple get back together after a breakup?

• Anxiety that they made a mistake -- Even though the choice was a good one, there might be fear that they missed something.

• They tried dating other people but it didn’t work out -- The fear of being alone is greater than the fear of being in a potentially weak marriage. 

• Low sense of self worth -- They believe that they probably can’t do any better, so they settle on going back to a conflictual relationship.

• Family pressure -- Sometimes their family has bonded with the person they have been dating and doesn’t agree with the decision to break up.

• Sexual connection -- They have engaged in a sexual relationship and find it hard to give up, even though they know they will eventually break up again. 

There may be many other reasons as well. I am not saying that all breakups should remain permanent, but many should. It is difficult to go through the grief of a separation – but it is less painful than doing it multiple times, or enduring a troubled marriage.

Proverbs 26:11 (NLT) 

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.

Finding Your Personal Retreat

I grew up in a small 2 bedroom rental house, which was fine until my twin brother and sister came along. Since I had five birthdays behind me before they were born it didn’t take too many years before I started feeling a distinct lack of privacy. I made a claim on our small dining area and did my best to make it “my room” – bed and all. The problem was that it was positioned between the kitchen and living room. Except for afterhours, I entertained all kinds of unwanted guests.

When I was a bit older and could handle a hammer and paintbrush, I did my best to refurbish an old guesthouse attached to our garage. At last I had a private space back. It was my sanctuary. My piano and I turned out lots of music without disturbing anyone. I wrote, I listened and I dreamed.

These days I have a “man-cave”.

I guess I am a bit introverted by temperament, so for me this is especially important. It contains some stuff I like. It isn’t fussy, and it is usually cool and quiet. I can listen to music there, watch movies, do my devotional reading, praying or play my Rhodes piano. It is somewhere I can renew my attitude and charge my batteries.

Everyone needs a private space to find solace. Do you?

Not everyone is as blessed as I am to have a whole separate space (Nan has one, too). But for mental health reasons, known as self care, everyone should have a place to retreat to that calms and inspires them. For some it might be a bedroom or a private bathroom. For others it could be a garage or workshop. Is there a garden area or an unused alcove that is separated from the maddening crowd? Can you build or repurpose something?

Apartment dwellers may have to get creative and even find an offsite refuge. Sometimes libraries, parks or school campuses work. As a last resort there is always the local coffee bar. Nan has an annual pass to a local botanical garden.

I know that husbands and wives will often have to share the same safe haven. So decorate it together, letting it reflect both of you. Moms and dads will probably have to take turns giving each other a break. But who needs a quiet retreat more than parents of young children!

We cannot adequately connect with God in the midst of chaos and confusion. It takes some intentional disconnection from our often overwhelming busyness. I find it so much easier when I have a designated place.

Mark 6:31 (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Let’s go off by ourselves to a quiet place and rest awhile.” He said this because there were so many people coming and going that Jesus and his apostles didn’t even have time to eat.