Are You One Of The Quiet People?

 

Some time back one of our relatives remarked “You are the quiet people.” I think it was an interesting way of reframing our tendency at times to be more than just introverted. It’s not shyness and it’s not antisocial. I am not exactly sure how to label it. But I have a high need to withdraw and be introspective a lot of the time. 

I might say “I am just not a morning person” because it seems I require a lot of time in the morning to come alive. But I’m not sure that is totally accurate, either. It feels more like I am a computer that downloaded software updates during the night and when I wake up all that data has to install before I can become operational. And during that time my need for quiet is intense.

Nan is a bit different. She might sleep later than me, but she tends to wake up pretty much “on”. But I know she needs blocks of quiet, too. Sometimes they coincide with mine and sometimes not. When they don’t there can be some friction.

This need for quiet can be interpreted as “unfriendliness” or arrogance or superiority sometimes. But that is not the truth. It is more a case of competing needs. Extroverts want to process out loud. Interaction energizes them – like coffee does for me – a quiet cup of coffee.

How about you? Are you one of the quiet people, too?

If you are I might suggest over-communicating your need for quiet or alone time to those around you. Don’t wait until you start to feel annoyed or irritated. It may seem better to a try to endure, but a kind request will probably be more effective.

If you are not one of the quiet people, you might also need to observe those you spend time around. Are they starting to withdraw even though you have not said anything offensive or controversial? You might want to check out if they are becoming overwhelmed or overloaded by the conversation. Again, a kind inquiry rather than taking offense or doing the all too prevalent mind reading or interpreting will serve you better.

Some extroverts can’t fathom how painful it is for a shy introvert to be the center of attention. And some introverts can’t imagine why anyone would want to get up in front of a group and stand out.

Again, I don’t necessarily think this just comes down to extroversion vs. introversion. I think there are variations of temperament or even traumatic events that need to be factored in as well. For me a quiet house means all is well. For others, quiet means that people are mad at each other and something bad is about to happen.

The best understanding would probably be to say that we exist along a continuum that represents both extremes, from super quiet to super expressive. And maybe some of us move along that continuum pretty fluidly. I have heard people at church declare adamantly to me “NO WAY are you an introvert.”

But then again, they haven’t seen me at home.

2 Things My Counselor Would Have Done Differently

 

Some time after my counseling with my therapist David Gatewood ended, we moved into a season of friendship and mentoring. I remember spending a day with him when he was participating in a radio program. On the way to the studio I asked him what he would do differently after having founded the counseling center and trained so many therapists.

He had two main points that he shared with me. To me they were somewhat surprising, but I took them as sage advice. At this point in my life I was definitely in a student mindset, not realizing I would become a care provider in the future.

So what would David would have changed?

1. He would not let his clients take their identity from their pathology.

We are first children of God, made in His image. I have struggles. Perhaps you have struggles. We are not our depression or anxiety or whatever. He said labeling will fix our identity in the wrong thing. It may seem like a subtle difference, but when I say I struggle with depression vs. I am depressed, I am expressing the process I am in to reach a healthier state. He said that labeling keeps our eyes fixed on what may feel shameful rather than on Christ who has the power to deliver us from all of our afflictions.

2. He would not allow most of his clients to stay in therapy as long.

This point is somewhat related to the above point. The longer we stay in counseling, the more likely we are to over identify with our pathology. He said he had shifted his thinking toward hope-focused language. He believed it would move clients along quicker. One thing he did with me which made all the difference was describing the person he saw I was designed to be, and was becoming. It was like painting a picture of a house that was being built that I was going to move into when I was ready. We did not primarily focus on the broken down shack that I was living in that was constructed of the inferior materials contributed by my family and me. Rather, he was telling me about the dwelling place that God intended for me to occupy.

What gets in the way?

Although confrontation is a necessary skill for counseling in many situations, it’s usually unpleasant –and most counselors (and pastors) tend to be people pleasers. Pleaser personalities can be viewed as having either a positive or negative effect. They can be peacemakers, but they can also tend to avoid hard confrontations. I believe it might be one of the reasons that therapy stretches on so long in some cases.

Another reason may be that the goal of the client might be to feel better, but not to get better and an unhealthy dependency has formed with their counselor. This is not always the case, however. Sometimes there is a legitimate need to have lengthy support, especially during long term crises situations. One client I had was dying of cancer and we stayed connected until the end.

Good therapy is informed by science, but it is an art form. There are many effective approaches, different counseling styles, and various therapeutic interventions. But all research agrees that a strong relationship between the counselor and the client is a core and essential requirement. David has been gone now for a couple of decades, but I’m forever grateful that I had that with him.

Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little

 

During one of our counseling sessions the other day Nan made a comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their ‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their feelings less.” I knew what she meant.

Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior, only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.

And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.

Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings make no rational sense.

The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event. Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which cause them additional pain.

I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are dysregulated.

Why Is This Important?

The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they grew up in.

In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those times it challenged the stability of the environment. Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an alcoholic family system.

I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.

So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank you for it.