Emotional Detachment vs. Relational Cutoff

I was reading through a list of acronyms Alcoholics Anonymous uses to remember concepts and was most struck by one in particular.

DETACH – Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her.

Sometimes during counseling, a client will ask for clarification on what “loving detachment” looks like (a solution CODA suggests). Explanation is needed because it is often inaccurately interpreted as “emotional cutoff”. Emotional cutoff is an extreme measure not to be used except in the most toxic of circumstances.

Loving detachment can be most easily described as the emotional distance required to keep from being negatively triggered by another person. When I have found that degree of separation, I can remain nonreactive to their behavior and as a result not build up resentments towards them. I am protecting both of us – me, from their maladaptive actions or manipulations, and them from my angry or inappropriate responses. When I find that “right distance” I can love them despite their harmful behaviors.

Emotional cutoff, as opposed to distancing, is a total shutout of connection with the person. Dr. John Gottman calls this “stonewalling” – not allowing anything said by a person to have any effect on me whatsoever. (All your words are thrown against a stone wall – an impenetrable barrier.)

I could describe loving detachment as an effective filter, letting through only the useful content to maintain a healthy relationship, whereas emotional cutoff filters out all incoming information of a feeling nature.

Jesus called for us to love our enemies, not to hate them. (Matthew 5:44) When we are locked in an emotional struggle with a person, even someone we care for deeply, they can feel like an enemy. It makes it very hard for us to love them. But we are still required to do so.    

I know that I am at the right distance when I no longer feel the need to try to control them. At that distance I can accept them (not their behavior) and I give up my false belief that I have the power to change them. At that place, I have freedom in a new way. I am no longer slave to the relationship, and I will not sit down to breakfast with a bowl of resentment and regret.

So when that urge comes to try to change someone, you are too close. DETACH!

A Great Friend

As I study to improve my skills and understanding as a counselor, it always leads me into a place of self-examination. If I cannot allow the things I learn to affect my own life, how can I expect it of others? It would be kind of like listening to a sermon in church and constantly elbowing the person next to you.

There is a passage in the Bible that is generally considered to be one of the core instructions for being a counselor, but I think it also could describe the qualities of a great friend.

The passage is from 1 Thessalonians 5.

¹⁴ Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. ¹⁶ Always be joyful. ¹⁷ Never stop praying. ¹⁸ Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

The skill set required to be a good counselor can also apply to being a good spouse (although I strongly suggest that you not try to be your spouse’s therapist).

Attending – Provide undivided attention when your spouse/friend is speaking. Maintain eye contact without staring, keep an open posture, lean forward and give small gestures to assure the person you are present.

Empathic response – Respond to the speaker in a way that assures them that you are connecting with the emotional content of their story (not just the informational content).

The interpersonal qualities of a good counselor are the same as a good friend.

Genuineness – You need to be the kind of person that you would want your friend/spouse to be. For example we cannot ask for kindness from them, while treating them in a harsh or demanding way.

Warmth – This is an essential quality for a therapist. Without it there is little chance that a trust-bond can be formed. The same can be said in other relationships. Without warmth there can be no relaxing.

Positive regard – This is treating the person with respect and care as a person made in the image of God. This does not mean that you always agree with them, or that you do not see a need for change.

Supportive and challenging – As a friend I must be able to give strong support to the person even though I may not be able to support their behavior at times. Knowing how to hold that delicate balance means I must be in communion with God.

As I strive to be a better counselor, I also want to endeavor to be a better person, friend, and spouse.

Can you agree?    

Accountability

A friend this week asked me to write about accountability. It’s a word that is thrown around a lot in both Christian and recovery circles. What is implied and how should one respond if asked to be in an accountability relationship?

In recovery terms, it is a more formal relationship, where a person volunteers to be a ‘sponsor’ to a less recovered individual. In moments of weakness, the sponsor is the ‘go to’ person to talk them through the temptation to slip back into destructive behavior.

In the church community it is usually a voluntary relationship between two or more individuals to help support a desired behavior, such as purity or some other form of self-discipline. It can be a ‘one way’ relationship, but it is often mutual. Sometimes accountability is a required relationship as part of a restoration process, imposed by an authority, such as a church board.

I would suggest a few things be considered if asked to enter into an accountability relationship.

First, are you entering into this relationship voluntarily or do you feel compelled or obligated to participate? You must have the right motivation and attitude to be authentically helped or helpful. You must feel free to say ‘no’ if asked.   

Second, do you have the time? It will require being available on a regular basis for the process to be effective, whether you set up a scheduled time of connection, or on an ‘as needed’ basis. It is necessary to set the parameters of the relationship up front so that there are no unspoken expectations.

Third, are you inadvertently setting up an unwanted parent-child relationship? Peers should remain as such. Is there a risk that a dependent bond will be formed and you are opening yourselves up to potential resentments because of the imbalance?  You must ask yourself “Is this the right accountability partner?”

Fourth, if the relationship is to be one of mutual accountability, do you trust the person? Will you feel safe? If not, you will not be completely honest and the arrangement will suffer. In our men’s group we put confidentiality and safety as the highest value. It is an area that cannot be compromised.

Accountability can be a good tool in our desire to be formed into the image of Christ. It can be part of our process to develop self-disciplines such as prayer, fasting, simplicity, celebration, service, solitude, study, meditation, submission, confession, worship, and guidance (from Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster).

Some friendships need to remain just that, with no added burdens. In others, a deeper intimacy can be achieved by opening ourselves up to examination and correction.

Proverbs 27:6 (NIV) Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.