Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little

 

During one of our counseling sessions a while back Nan made a comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their ‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their feelings less.” I knew what she meant.

Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior, only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.

And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.

Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings make no rational sense.

The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event. Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which cause them additional pain.

I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are dysregulated.

Why Is This Important?

The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they grew up in.

In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those times it challenged the stability of the environment. Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an alcoholic family system.

I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.

So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank you for it.

The Blame Game – No Winners

 

This is one of those tough subjects to deal with in counseling. It is so common to want to point out other people’s faults, especially when we feel hurt and upset. But it rarely leads to any kind of positive outcome, even if we are right, maybe especially when we are right. When we blame others it will undoubtedly create a defensive posture in the other person(s).

Often I hear someone who is in full blame mode say:

“But I am just expressing my feelings.”

No, not really. You may be feeling wronged, hurt, sad, scared, frustrated or a lot of other feelings, but when you blame someone your intention is to make the other person feel bad or admit that they are wrong and responsible for your feelings. That is not the same thing at all. Blaming is the acting out of your interpretation and processing of your feelings. It is a response, not a feeling.

When I make a statement like “She made me angry.” I am saying that someone else has power and control over me. Blaming feels like a way of taking back control of myself, but really it’s a verification that I am out of control.

I must admit that I can fail at this pretty easily when I am overwhelmed. It’s so much easier to blame someone than it is to do the work of trying to understand, empathize or forgive. Blaming will shut down a dialog and damage a relationship. If you are like me, the process takes place rapidly in my head. I take offense and I want the other person to know it. Even if I don’t let the words come out of my mouth, my attitude and demeanor transmitted by my body language can say everything that I am itching to announce verbally.

Two anchoring Bible verses for me have been:

James 1:19 which says: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”

Matthew 12:36-37 (Jesus speaking) ^“And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.” 

I read that last verse and I think “I am sunk! I can’t even defend my words today, let alone every word ever. But then I remember other verses:

Romans 5:9 “And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation.”

Romans 8:1 “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”

I am restored. Redeemed.

But the takeaway from these verses is two things: 1) The speed at which you do things matters and 2) You have control over yourself. You are responsible for you and accountable to God.

There was an old commercial tag line that said “The pause that refreshes”. I think that can be applied very nicely in these situations. Taking a break will always give the rush of chemicals that assault our brain during a conflict time to settle down. The crazy leaves and the rational returns.

Make no mistake about it. There are no winners in the blame game – only losers.

I Can’t Breathe - Constrictive Relationships

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for air, like something heavy is pressing on your chest? It’s a really unpleasant experience. I have had several of those in recent memory, but I’m not going to go into dream analysis here. I just want you to connect with the feeling.

Sometimes relationships can feel a bit like my dream.

One of the more pleasant tasks of counseling is helping couples decide whether they should move forward towards engagement and marriage. We use assessments and other materials to evaluate the relationship, but often the feedback we give a couple is based on our intuition or perception.

With many couples the exchanges between them are easy and lighthearted. They listen well and respond appropriately. You can feel the love and respect. They act as cheerleaders for each other. These are the couples where it is easy for us to recommend going ahead with marriage.

But for some couples the atmosphere feels more like my nightmares – constricted and difficult. In marriage it usually only intensifies. What I mostly find at the root of the problem is a lack of trust resulting in attempts to control everything possible in the relationship. They may put pressure on their  partner to account for their whereabouts at all times. They may require their partner to think like them, and never disagree. Conversations can feel more like interrogations, and their partner walks on eggshells around them or around certain subjects. In short, they want to run away.

If you are the constrictor why might you lack trust?

·         Earlier abandonment – you have experienced emotional or physical withdrawal from people who should have remained steady and supportive for you. As a result you feel unsafe.

·         Your partner really isn’t trustworthy – they have proved time and again that their promises can’t be relied upon. Or perhaps they have been unfaithful and you have not fully dealt with the issue.

·        Anxiety and fear – often the byproduct of abandonment is insecurity and a heightened anxiety in relationships. Even when there are no indicators that you should mistrust your partner, fear drives you to try to control them. This usually results in your partner trying to pull away to get some breathing room.

·        Disorders – when you suffer from a more extreme form of anxiety (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or a personality disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder you may have a particularly tough time restraining your need to control. These are issues that must be dealt with professionally.

·         You have not been trustworthy and are projecting your feelings onto your partner. You have not confessed and repented of the sin in your life and been forgiven. Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, either.

The solution is to work on your issues before you destroy a relationship that you care about. Optimally this should be done before entering into marriage. But some things crop up during marriage and the quicker you recognize and deal with them the sooner you will experience health and happiness.