What Kind Of Justice Do You Seek?

For quite a while I have been wrestling with the concepts of fairness and justice. It has certainly been kicked around for hundreds and thousands of years in so many contexts. And for Nan and me it gets talked about a lot in counseling with couples, particularly.

Who is the judge?

If you have ever been around a divorcing couple trying to work out child custody issues, you will likely be torn between both sides of the requests. Each can make really good points why they should have primary custody. They both may have really good arguments about time distribution and money allocation. That is why a judge is required. But what does the judge offer? An opinion.

Issues of fairness are always the result of an opinion. But opinions by definition are not facts, even when they are based on facts. And opinions are biased, even when the judge is doing the best that he/she can do to be neutral. Why? We are human, flawed, and our opinions are formed by our experience and our feelings.

I must say that I often set myself up to be the judge of fairness, as if I have all the facts, all the necessary criteria to make a definitive pronouncement. I remember one time pointing out to friend of mine that he was wearing two different colored socks and that they didn’t match. He assured me that they did match because they were the same thickness. I made a judgment based on my criterion, but he was using a different set of criteria. Who was right?

Why is this important?

When I speak to the issues of fairness and justice I must be careful that I am not assuming the position of absolute moral authority which belongs to God alone. I may be operating out of a blind spot that is damaging to my relationships. My position of certainty may betray my lack of humility and my ability to empathize with others. In the past Nan used to say to me; “Dave, you are too convinced of your own opinion!” Unfortunately, she was right. Of course she wasn’t only speaking of this issue, but of a general blind spot resulting from narcissistic tendencies.

Is it fair or just the way I sometimes treat Nan? Is it fair or just the way she sometimes reacts to me? Would it be fair for her to label me based on her educational training? Would it be fair if I resisted the label? I’m sure that you might have an opinion – but is fair to hold it?

Be careful around these issues. Yes, some things are evil and totally unacceptable and there would be little or no disagreement among civilized people. But with few exceptions, most of what we encounter on a daily basis do not fall into these categories. Remember at all times that love should be our goal (1 Cor. 14:1).

Psalm 9:8 (NLT)  He (God) will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

Are Your Words An Encouragement?

 

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesians 4:29

Nan and I like listening to fiction books at night. We try to choose carefully so that we don’t over stimulate our brains before bedtime. Nonfiction books, especially those connected to counseling or spirituality, tend to get us thinking about issues connected to our clients and work, so we leave those for mornings. But when I say carefully, we also try especially hard not to choose books that are laced with profanity.

It has always seemed to me that cussing and unsavory language is a form of verbal violence. It is certainly not used to lift up and encourage others. It saddens me that it has become so embedded in our culture, especially in our entertainment. But it has also crept into many people’s daily language. Although I let a lot of it pass me by, I cringe every time someone used God or Jesus in an irreverent manner. I expect God does too.

When it enters the relationship

I have worked with enough couples in counseling to know that profanity is often used as a weapon in fights. F-bombs and cuss words are flung at each other like bullets. How can we claim to love our spouse yet inflict such damage? Parents can do the same thing to their children, causing deep wounds in their tender souls. God’s heart must break as He witnesses these verbal assaults.

Clients will sometimes say that in these conflicts there is a point of no return, that once a threshold has been crossed they are unable to restrain themselves. But I maintain that it is not the truth. We actually give ourselves permission to escalate and retaliate. Interrupted by a cell phone ring, people in the middle of a heated conflict will often answer the phone in a perfectly civil manner. They really are in control of their reactivity.

I remember a time in my twenties that I decided that I would strip my language of any profanity. It seemed unprofessional and low class, and having grown up in a Christian home I also knew that it was ungodly. My parents never swore, and for that I am really grateful. I found self-censoring to be not that difficult, but it did require intentionality.

So, how do you go about changing this if it is a habit?

I would suggest that the first step is deciding. “I am going to do this!” Then keep this decision in the front of your mind. This self-awareness will help you to monitor your speech. If you slip, apologize to the person you are talking to. They may not understand why you are apologizing, but it will help you correct yourself if you have to explain why. Of course the goal would be to find yourself apologizing a lot less. Also, don’t swear silently in your head or under your breath. Get it out of your inner world and clean up your heart. I think of this verse:

“A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.” Luke 6:45 (NLT)

If this speaks to you, does it seem like a difficult challenge? Ask God for victory!

The Owner of Truth - Rigid Not Relational

One of the necessary qualities of a good relationship (or just plain getting along with people in general) is the ability to be flexible. Relationships thrive when there is an attitude of openness, not just toward decisions, but also in ideas and perspective. 

Rigidity kills dialog, and dialog is necessary for mutual respect. And mutual respect is necessary for a close relationship. This does not mean you have to agree with the other person’s conclusions. It means that you are open to hearing them and giving weight to them and be willing to compromise when an action step is required. 

I am not advocating chaos, which is the polar opposite of rigidity. Life needs order and structure – just not too much or too little. In Christ’s time the Pharisees were the picture of rigidity – rules and regulations to be followed without compromise. But Jesus was all about love. He put people first – over schedules and the material aspects of life. He, however, was not without structure – he always kept his mission and purpose in mind. 

The lack of flexibility can come from what might be called ‘truth owning’. This is the belief that ‘I am right and you are wrong’ – and so you must conform to my ways. People that hold this belief too tightly are relational hazards. They can become angry, sometimes very angry, when others do not recognize and surrender to their ‘truth’. They can become dictators in their own family or work place, and people will tend to avoid them or ‘walk on eggshells’ around them. 

If you are one of these truth owners, you have some work to do. You must make modifications to your belief system. Only God is the source or owner of ultimate Truth. Our truth is our perspective and opinion.  

Sometimes our rigidity may come from an obsessive-compulsive nature that needs to be brought under control. If we are unable to do that on our own then we may need help. When our belief is that it does not need to be brought under control (because we are right, and if everyone was like me the world would be a better place) then we may be dealing with a personality issue that needs deeper help.

Proverbs 16:12   There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death.

So, where are you on the flexibility scale?