6 Signs That You Are Ready For Marriage

 

After having taught 50 premarried classes, and counseled umpteen couples, Nan and I have learned a few things about relationships and what makes them work. We could add a lot more to this list of course, but these ones came to mind quickly.

1. You are a great listener

Listening intently communicates that you are interested in what the person is saying, that you are attuned to them. What they are talking about may not seem as important to you, but they are important to you, so you give them your full attention.

2. You have learned how to share.

We all learned the importance of sharing in kindergarten. As adults we may have to learn it all over again. What do we need to share in a marriage? Our time, our resources, our more vulnerable self. Sharing builds unity, the “us-ness” in a relationship.

3. You are good at regulating your emotions.

Managing emotions well is a sign of maturity. When we are able to express our feelings without over or under reacting we will create the environment where conflicts have the potential to be resolved well. This may not have been modeled in our families as we grew up and may take some re-learning how to effectively manage our emotional triggers.

4. You have learned how to forgive.

In a relationship there will always be times when we mess up. The ability to forgive one another is essential to maintaining connection. We also need to appropriately forgive ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck with grudges and resentments and relational brokenness and usually grows with time. Forgiveness is not ignoring hurts, but entering into a process where the wounds can be resolved.

5. You have reasonable expectations for yourself and your partner.

Reasonable expectations allow for growth and harmony in a relationship. Unexpressed and unreasonably high expectations of each other lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Expectations need to be expressed, negotiated and agreed upon. This can prevent either partner from having to “walk on eggshells”.

6. You DON’T have unprocessed trauma, significant debt, or unaddressed addictions.

Any one of these things are potential disasters waiting in the wings. It would be naive to think that they will not be a problem sometime in the relationship. These things can be a source of shame, and therefore the tendency might be to keep them hidden in hopes they will sort themselves out over time. But often they just become a bigger obstacle. It takes courage to face them, but what a relief it is to be free of the hold they can have.

We know it takes determination and courage to grow in all of these areas. You may need to delay moving forward in a relationship until there is significant change in you or your partner. But we can attest to the benefit of dealing with issues before you say “I do”.

Check Your Attitude

I was reading an article online that had some helpful tips for parents desiring to encourage their kids to  develop some good habits for financial success. It talked about the habits of the wealthy vs. those of the poor. It was solid researched stuff and should have been welcomed by any parent wanting to give their child a leg up. What saddened and frankly shocked me a bit was the quantity of negative and angry comments that followed. Most of the comments were from people rationalizing their personal failures. They completely missed the intent of the article.

It was obvious that these people were blind to the attitudes that kept them stuck and the real possibility that they could be passed on to their children as well. They embraced hopelessness and helplessness instead of possibilities.

As an employer, I tried to avoid hiring people who were angry or negative. They were the ones that were most likely to get in conflict with other employees, alienate customers and blame others for their lack of advancement. I always chose attitude over aptitude. If they had a good attitude they were usually teachable. That was the problem with many of the comments that I read in the above mentioned article. They demonstrated an unwillingness to listen and learn. For whatever reason they would rather see themselves as powerless victims of an unknown and unseen enemy, or worse yet they looked for something or someone outside of themselves to blame.

Although the article was neither condemning nor shaming I suppose it was inevitable that some would have feelings of failure triggered simply by the subject. That can’t be avoided. But fortunately there were also other comments that indicated that the author was successful in communicating his positive intention. These are the people that will benefit. They understand that the right kind of knowledge is powerful as a change agent.

I have observed this phenomenon in couples as well.

When couples who are having struggles have a generally positive attitude they are likely to get better with time. They expect the difficulties to be temporary, and work toward that goal. Those that do not expect things to get better usually reach their goals too.

What sets apart the successful couples from the stuck ones is often their ability to receive constructive criticism. Successful people consider the input and thank you for it whereas the less successful become defensive and angry, especially when the input is given by their partners. It is not easy to hear about our shortcomings – we all would prefer to be praised for our strengths and hear encouraging words. But we grow when we incorporate helpful criticism.

It all depends on our attitude.

If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. Proverbs 15:31

Learning To Say NO

If you are like me, there are times that saying “no” is extremely difficult. The natural people pleaser in me comes out in full force and I struggle with feelings of guilt.

Actually I vacillate between feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment. I want to both please myself, and please others, but it’s just not always possible. Sometimes there is an opportunity to reach a compromise that is workable, and I try for that when it concerns people close to me. But there are other times when I must make a choice.

This becomes particularly important when it involves a conflict between time or money spent for things inside versus outside of my relationship. Commitment to one thing means not being available for something or someone else. When that someone else is my spouse there can be potential for some serious consequences.

So how do I learn to say no without feeling any guilt?

I think the first step is to realize that what we are feeling is usually false guilt. Often we are not doing anything wrong, it just feels that way. I have a right to make choices for my life, and I may need to change my self talk from self condemning to self affirming. This is not an excuse to make all my decisions selfish choices, but rather to embrace the reality that I need to exercise good self care and protect my primary relationships as well.

Part of the solution is to learn how to be gracious and effective in the way we turn people down. People use four strategies to say “no”. Only one is desirable. (From “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury and thanks to Michael Hyatt).

Accommodation: We say Yes when we want to say No. This happens when we value the relationship of the person making the request above the importance of our own interests.

Attack: We say no poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. Sometimes we are fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.

Avoidance: We say nothing at all. Because we are afraid of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Affirmation: We use a formula of “Yes-No-Yes.” This is in contrast to the ordinary “No” which begins with a No and ends with a No. A positive No begins with a “Yes” and ends with a “Yes.”

The reality is that our resources are finite, and we must be wise about how we distribute them. Will we be misunderstood? Will people be irritated, offended or disappointed when we say “No”? Unfortunately, the answer will often be “Yes”.

Learning to deal with those uncomfortable feelings is part of our maturity. From a psychological perspective, it is overcoming our codependency. From a spiritual perspective it is being a good steward.