Trying Too Hard To Make A Relationship Work

I’m all about perseverance. If you are going to survive in any type of sales career (like I had been in for 34 years), you will have to acquire a good dose of it. But I have also had to learn when it was time to quit. There is a fine line between being diligent and being self-defeating.

It can be the same in a pre-married relationship.

Sometimes it’s just too hard to close the sale and go from not married to married. I have seen many couples fight an uphill battle trying to “make” a relationship work. Here are a few indicators that you might be trying too hard.

• The relationship seems more like work than fun. It is necessary to do a certain amount of investigative and other preparatory work before making such a significant commitment. But is most of the joy and delight missing when you are together?

• There is a lot of conflict. We go by the 80/20 rule. Are 80% of your interactions positive or do you find yourselves dealing with a significantly higher percentage of conflict?

• You’ve been in counseling for too long a time. Have you wisely entered into pre-married counseling but discover there are so many challenges that it drags on and becomes more like “trying to save this marriage” counseling?

• You are constantly being compelled to change. It may be that you feel you are unacceptable to your partner unless you make a lot of changes. Growth is good, but are you being asked to become someone you are not, especially when you like who you are?

• You have to defend the relationship to family and friends. Do the people that really know you express their concern for you? Do you find yourself having to distance from them in order to preserve the relationship equilibrium?

• You breakup and makeup several times. Do you go through this cycle expecting that “this time” it will be better and finally work out? Is it hard to admit that you have chosen poorly?

• You just can’t quite commit. Maybe there is a good reason and God is protecting you. Do you feel restrained in your spirit?

You are not a “loser” because you decide to move on when a premarried relationship is too hard. You are actually displaying wisdom and maturity. It may be hard for you to trust that God will not abandon you in your desire for a relationship. But I would encourage you to trust regardless.

Proverbs 14:12 (NLT) There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.

Are People Walking On Eggshells Around You?

One sure way of killing relational intimacy is making people around you ‘walk on eggshells’. You might be a wife, husband, employer, friend, employee or son or daughter. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is – if you are basically touchy, you will be treated differently.

Easily Hurt, Offended or Angered

Are you one of those people who seem to get wounded by everything? Gentle and friendly teasing is misinterpreted? You feel like a victim and powerless? Crying comes easily and you pull back quickly in defensiveness. You have been called overly sensitive most of your life, but you hate to admit it’s true.

Or maybe you take everything personally and everyone’s motives towards you are suspicious. So many things annoy you and you are constantly judging others’ behaviors and habits. You have a hard time restraining yourself from pointing them out. You have been accused of being ‘parental’, but you feel justified because they are ‘offensive’ or ‘wrong’.

Then there are those who have a short fuse. You are both easily hurt and offended, but respond angrily. You know you are one of these people because those around you seem to be constantly apologizing to you to try to appease you. And you find yourself apologizing to others because you have overreacted and wounded them. 

All of these conditions will cause people to feel unsafe around you. They may be very cautious about sharing anything that they believe may set you off in some way. If you blame them for not trusting you and sharing more deeply, they will only further distance from you. That will make you feel more lonely and isolated. You may or may not have reached the level of emotional abuse with your actions, but you can't deny that you are pretty controlling or manipulative.

Wounds From The Past

There may be some understandable reasons why you react this way. Past hurts or trauma from abuse or neglect may be affecting you. There might be unresolved grief from losses not yet accepted. Whether you judge it fair or not, you are solely responsible for the way you behave. You cannot place expectations on others to compensate for your losses. You can only work to grieve the losses and own your own pain. Sharing these experiences with trusted people will help to relieve some of the tenderness.

Walking on eggshells is very difficult, and is sad for everyone. Healing requires humility, forgiveness, self-control and courage. It begins by surrendering your pain at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

"Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” 
Romans 12:18 (NLT)

Is Refusing Sex in Marriage OK?

The young married couple sat across from us, obviously frustrated. The issue: he was refusing her sex – not all the time, but frequently enough that it was turning into a real problem.

“I feel like she is just using me sometimes, you know, to satisfy herself.”

Of course this scenario could have easily been reversed. Women are often the one expressing this kind of complaint. So what do we think?

Yes, sometimes in marriage we are using each other – and it’s quite OK.

The Bible has something to say about this: 

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT) The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This may not seem like a very popular passage with everyone, but it is very practical and very mutual. I wonder how many couples will refuse each other for the purpose of deeper prayer? Oh, and the scripture says it has to be a joint decision.

There are places where we draw the line – like when sex is an addiction. Statistics show that a couple (over the span of a marriage) will have sex an average of from one to three times a week. Younger couples generally more, older couples generally less. And of course the frequency drops during seasons of pregnancy.

One of the reasons a spouse might refuse sex (particularly wives) is because of a lack of physical resources. She has been tending to the needs of their children and is just plain worn out. Or she may experience discomfort because of her monthly menstrual cycle. Or maybe a husband or wife has a very physical or time-consuming job and is exhausted at the end of a day. What can be done?

Give your partner a heads-up so that they can minimize their work load. I know one wife who tells her husband she has enough energy to either prepare a home cooked meal or have sex, but not both. He will gladly bring home pizza. Or how about a husband who offers to forego overtime hours when his wife is feeling romantic?

It is quite true that sometimes we just plain “don’t feel like it”, when our partner does. This is the perfect occasion for a “quickie.” It’s a loving concession we make because we care about our partner. Many experts consider refusing sex a form of emotional abuse when used as a control mechanism in a relationship.

There are times when parents may have to schedule an appointment for sex – a bit unromantic perhaps, but it reduces the anxiety for the spouse who wonders when it will happen again. We call this “planned spontaneity”.

Some couples have extenuating circumstances – physical or medical issues perhaps. We would encourage those couples to find alternate ways of satisfying each other sexually. The key here is finding agreement. But the bonding that occurs is just too precious to ignore forever.

Finally, if you must refuse sex, give a very kind turn-down, and if possible give a rain-check with a potential time in the future.

How about you? Is this an area you will have to give some deep thought to?