Is A Counselor An Umpire?

 

Umpire: A person to whose sole decision a controversy or question between parties is referred; one agreed upon as a judge, arbiter, or referee in case of conflict of opinions.

Whenever law enforcement is called into a situation, eyewitnesses are usually considered the least reliable sources of information. Why? Because the accuracy of the eyewitness is a perception based on the perspective from which they viewed the incident. The official investigators who are called in try first to evaluate the evidence that they can concretely identify.

The counselor is put in the same position when faced with a couple in conflict. Often called in to help a couple settle a dispute, the counselor must rely on opinions and perspectives from two different sources, neither of which will be unbiased and entirely accurate. So what can a counselor do?

I have found that in most cases, the counselor can attempt to bring some calmness to the situation by hearing each person out and trying to act as mediator and direct a forward movement in the relationship.

Mediator: A person midway between two parties who establishes an agreement or relationship between the parties; someone standing between opposing persons as spokesman or reconciler.

As I understand it, we, as Christians are tasked with being agents of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:18). We cannot be judges over situations that we have not observed directly. Yes, there are times during the session that we might call out someone for their behavior in the present moment. We might point out criticism or defensiveness or contempt. But hopefully it is done with care for the relationship and not communicated in a shaming manner.

But we as counselors must do our best to remain as emotionally unbiased as we can in order to mediate fairly despite our own humanness. For us it is the teachings and wisdom of the Bible that guides us in our efforts. But sometimes we fail. We might trigger on our own unhealed places or over-identify with one of the clients.

When counseling couples, humility is often a scarce commodity, and blaming and defending is plentiful. The clients “work the counselor” to get them to side with them, missing the goal of moving forward with some form of win-win. It is understandable, but not productive. So what is productive?

In most, but not all cases, helping each person fully hear and empathize with their partner before moving toward a solution is a starting point. It softens their hearts and positions them to be capable of working on a resolution. Even when anger is appropriate, it is never helpful when unrestrained. And helping them to hold boundaries on intense feelings is the goal of the counselor.

So think of your counselor more as a coach or mediator, not an umpire.

Coach: One who instructs or trains.

The Road Back

 

There will undoubtedly be an enormous amount written about the 2020 pandemic in the years to come. There already has been. There will be studies and statistics about the damage done that will compare these years to other times of civil disruptions. There will be predictions, and some will turn out to be relatively accurate. In our field of mental health I would expect the fallout from this trauma will be lengthy and significant. The trauma in this case is not an event, like a serious car accident, but one of deprivation.

What were we deprived of?

Many things. We could list physical comforts like products and services, but those would probably be lower down on the list. What will stand out, however, will be the effects of fear-based isolation and all the uncertainty that surrounded us. And that isolation bubble traveled with us, too – to shopping, workplaces, and gatherings of any sort. Schools were shut down and went online as were so many other institutions. We were deprived of familiar human interactions and normalcy. As one person told me just this week, “Left by myself, ‘beer-thirty’ got earlier and earlier.”

To add to the misery, we have been going through a season of social and political unrest. We have treated people who don’t hold the same opinions and health protocols as we do as enemies. We have become afraid of each other. Are you going to give me a potentially fatal disease? And in many instances ideology has become more important than civility and spirituality. Our fragmentation has become a huge problem. And the tragedy here is that the only real source of emotional comfort is other people.

The first will be last

It is expected that the last to fully recover will be first responders, healthcare workers, clergy, counselors, caregivers and a myriad of other leaders. They are all in a group of people who have had to make decisions and navigate through the uncertainty without a map – all while managing their own anxieties. Their recovery will begin when everyone else is taken care of, possibly two years delayed. There has been enormous stress on these leaders to keep people from giving in to fear and detaching from community. I have seen up close the damage done to leaders by scared and angry people. Even though these leaders understand intellectually, emotionally they have felt betrayed, misunderstood, and judged harshly.

What you can do?

It is time to “re-friend” people. We cannot thrive emotionally if we don’t move in this direction. Start with a fearless moral inventory. Where have you forgotten who you are? Where have you acted out of character? Who do you need to apologize to? Do you need to confess, repent or make amends? These are all intentionally restorative and relational moves. Agreement cannot be the basis for your relationships. In marriages we don’t agree all of the time, yet we maintain relationship. You shouldn’t expect it from less intimate connections. We must find our way back to mutual support and unity. It is up to those of us in faith communities to model what we believe. We must lead on the road back.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3

Who Are “Your People”

 

I have been doing some reading on brain science lately. It is a fascinating journey into what many call the last frontier of exploration into the human body. Of course this is the part of the body that most affects our counseling world. It is where everything is stored and processed. The brain is where secure attachment is formed, or wires get crossed.

The Good News

Our brains are perfectly designed to provide the structures for successful living. Between both lobes of the brain we are able to sustain physical functioning as well as mental and emotional acuity. The more we learn, the more we are able to understand and correct damage or errant programming.

We are learning that the greatest source of mental health and joy comes from stimulating the right hemisphere of the brain. This is the creative side that is wired for human connection. When we are around others who delight in us, we thrive. It is probably easiest to comprehend when we think of a parent looking into the face of their baby. The left lobe of the brain, which processes language, is not yet online. It is simply through visual connection that the baby receives the message that they are loved. That never changes. Who lights up when they see you? Those are “your people”.

The Bad News

Studies have shown that since at least 2013 there has been an increase in isolation, with a major jump during the pandemic years. We have become accustomed to life online in so many areas. There is a huge convenience in being able to do many things virtually. We now pay bills, do our banking and shopping without having to leave our homes. Entertainment is delivered to our devices. But we lose contact with other human beings. I am grateful that we have the time saving benefit of many of these things, but instead of using the time gained to connect with others, we often just spend more time alone. And the result? It has been suggested that this is the primary reason for the massive escalation of depression and anxiety that we have been experiencing. And it is particularly evident in children and younger people, especially teens.

The Fix – Make God’s People Your People

It should be easy to figure out that reducing isolation and spending more time with “your people” will increase the levels of joy in your life. Introverts will probably need more “one-on-one” time, and extroverts more “one-on-many”. And other people need you to show up to be their source of joy as well. We are natural imitators of others, and that can be a good thing when the people we want to be like are moral, healthy (relatively speaking) and endeavoring to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally in love and kindness. This is a picture of Christ’s intended church. You probably don’t need more information in you life, at least not the kind you get from endlessly scrolling the Internet. What you do need is more connection. More laughter. More joy.

If you haven’t already, make God’s people your people. We are hardly perfect, but we are headed in the right direction. Join us. Connect with us.