The 7 Basic Human Longings

I am sometimes asked “What is joy?” “How do you know if you have it?” “What does it take to feel joy?”

Nan’s MFT supervisor (and my counselor, mentor and friend) David O. Gatewood identified seven basic human longings that when satisfied produced joy in a person’s life. They are listed as follows:

• Love (worth, uniqueness, specialness)
• Pleasure (thirst, hunger, deep feeling)
• Belonging (intimacy, relationship, covenant)
• Pride (power, mastery, autonomy)
• Security (safety, trust)
• Creativity (reproduction, fantasy, imagination)
• Purity (holiness, peace) 

When there is a deficit in one or more areas, we will seek getting those unmet needs fulfilled in some form or fashion. Hopefully we will find a path that takes us to satisfying those longings in a healthy way. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case. For example, if we have a love deficit we may place unrealistic expectations on people who can never fill that need in the way or to the degree that we need it. We may become clingy and moody when they are near and fearful or angry when they are distant. We may either try to control them (aggressive) or reject them (passive-aggressive). The results of our behavior will likely produce exactly the opposite of what we were hoping for.

Wanting to have these longings satisfied is legitimate. Some people feel guilty simply for desiring them, but these longings are universal and need to be respected in ourselves and in others. Therapists would identify all these longings as the components that determine an attachment style. When our primary caregivers (usually parents) have done an adequate job attending to us as a child, it is likely that these basic longings will be met and we will feel joy. 

What can we do about it? The first step is to recognize that we have one or more unmet needs. That sounds easy and obvious, but it isn’t. I would suggest that one sure way to identify deficits is by noting our blaming thoughts or words:

• “Why don’t you call me more often?” (lack of love or belonging)
• “You never lock the door!” (lack of security)
• “Why won’t you dream with me?” (lack of creativity)
• “Can’t you let me do anything without you looking over my shoulder?” (lack of pride or security)
• “You people are working me to death!” (lack of pleasure) 

Secondly, if we have been hurt, we need to grieve our losses and forgive those who hurt us. Sometimes that person is us, because we have neglected or damaged important parts of our lives. Perhaps we just need to be intentional about making time to focus on ourselves a bit more – or a lot more.

And as always, attaching to God as restorer and provider will help us to make healthy emotional transitions. He will never leave us or forsake us. 

Psalm 5:12 But let all who take refuge in you rejoice, let them forever shout for joy! Shelter them; and they will be glad, those who love your name.

You Want Me To Do What In My Relationship?

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. John 12:24 (ESV)

 When I heard this Scripture verse from the sermon one morning at our church I knew that the message was not going to be one of those feel good ones that reassures us that we can be happy and secure and comfortable. If I had any doubts all I needed to do was register the expression on Nan’s face. But as I listened to it in it’s entirety it was also a message of hope – and it inspired me to apply the verse to relationships.

Marriages are unending opportunities to test out the verse

I want my marriage to be fruitful. I don’t want to just lope along trying not to get into too much trouble. That usually means that I am avoiding engaging at a very deep level. But I also know that swimming in the deep end of the emotional pool can be risky. We could end up sharing some really good intimate moments, but we could also end up in painful conflict.

These times of conflict challenge me to put my faith to the test. Will I power up on Nan or will I “die” to myself? I can tell you what I feel like doing (and it isn’t admirable). But the verse tells me that if I don’t make the sacrifice I will remain alone and nothing good will come of it. Of course Nan has the same choice too, and I reluctantly (sheepishly) admit that over the years she has probably done a better job than I have. Call it male pride or immaturity. They both fit.

What kinds of sacrifices do you need to make in your relationship?

• Your finances? 

• Your ambition? 

• Your anger? 

• Your time? 

• How about your contemptuous, critical or sarcastic attitude? 

• Do you need to give up your right to your opinion all the time? That was and still is a really hard one for me. I always want the last word. 

Some couples will never make it unless they both are willing to die to themselves. There has been so much damage on both sides that they have built emotional fortresses and engage in a contest to see who can come up with the longest list of perceived offenses. The blame game becomes a highly skilled sport for them. But this can be a fight to the death of a marriage.

But the verse brings a message of hope. Jesus sacrificed Himself so that many could live.  We make sacrifices so that our relationships can survive and even thrive – and not just marriages, but also parents to children, friends to friends, and communities to communities. There is joy in this kind of surrender because it often brings peace and harmony. And that produces a feeling of satisfaction – not from the temporary loss, but from the expanding gain that follows.   

My Marriage, Your Marriage

Years ago I was archiving old counseling files and as I did I scanned through the reasons that clients gave for seeking counseling. Most were pretty routine: improve communication or conflict resolution, deal with an affair, etc. But one really struck me.

My wife is unhappy with her marriage, but I am happy with mine.

I think I read it a few times as I considered the response. Can people really see their marriages as separate entities? His marriage? Her marriage? We see marriage as a “oneness” or “us” relationship. I did not dig into the files deeply (confidentiality), but it did get me thinking about his viewpoint and what might be the reason for the relational disconnect.

• Spiritual Disunity If two people are not on the same spiritual wavelength it is entirely possible to view the marriage differently. One person could feel very discontented with the lack of intimacy they experience when the spiritual connection is absent. They may be living with an entirely different values framework. We know, because we have lived it.  In Christian parlance we call this being unequally yoked. 

• Lack of Emotional Connection When a couple does not have good emotional connection, it is hard to feel empathy for the other person. This can leave a spouse feeling very alone in a marriage. One of the partners may not be aware (or care) while the other is deeply wounded by the emotional distance. 

• One Spouse is a Taker In some relationships there is a husband or wife who always seems to get their way. The relationship becomes very one-sided as he or she comes out on top in every conflict or decision. This person has a high satisfaction in the marriage because things always fall into place for them. However, the other half of the marriage (who may be codependent) is left feeling like they have very little power and always has to give, and never receive in order to keep the marriage stable. 

• Change or Growth Nan just commented that one other common reason is when one person has gone through a significant change in their life. It could be normal, like pregnancy or menopause, or not so positive, like an illness, a job loss, or a stressful job change. Emotional or spiritual growth also can cause a significant separation in a marriage. When one spouse enters counseling alone, or deals effectively with an addiction it affects the other spouse. They may have just lost their drinking buddy or lost some other aspect of the relationship that was comfortable or predictable. They will often “cry foul” and complain that this isn’t the person they married; they liked it the way it was. However, if the couple enters counseling together this adjustment is usually easier on both of them and may avert potential marital drift. 

Whatever the reason may be, in order to thrive, a marriage must have unity. When one person is distressed, the marriage is distressed. There is no win/lose in relationships – either we both win, or we both lose.