We Need To Talk!

 

There is probably no phrase that a woman can utter that strikes terror in the heart of a man more than:

“We need to talk!”

Guys hearing this may start to feel their heart rate climb, their blood pressure escalate, and the anxiety and fear level skyrocket. Calm down guys, I will interpret this for you.

What you hear is: “You’re in trouble, mister!” (The little boy inside the man sees danger ahead)

What she most likely means is: “I have an unmet expectation that I want to discuss.” (The little girl inside the woman is feeling….. something.)

I want to emphasize that her expectation may or may not be realistic. At this point it is inconsequential. Again, calm yourself down, put on your listening ears and make some time for her. This will deescalate her emotions, even if it doesn’t seem like it to you at the moment. She may hold an expectation that you can actually meet that will not be as painful as you fear.

Single ladies (in particular): a word of caution. Be very careful when using the phrase “We need to talk about ‘The Relationship’”. These days those are hot button words. You don’t want a guy to go all defensive on you. “The Relationship” is really you and him. It does not exist outside as a separate entity. There seems to be a lot of anxiety around DTR (determining the relationship), but it doesn’t need to be that way. Having a non-anxious conversation might be as easy as choosing a better way to initiate a discussion.

So what might be a better conversation starter?

How about: “I have some thoughts. Would you be willing to listen to them?” or “I’ve been thinking about you (us) lately and would like to process some things.”

He (or she) may still be skeptical, but will be less likely to throw up the deflector shield. A sure way to steer the conversation in a good direction is to lead with an affirmation. It could be anything. “I know you’ve been working hard” or “I know you never intend to hurt my feelings…” Any phrase like that is likely to reduces defenses and pave the way to a better discussion.

I have written this before, and I will state it again. Before you bring up a volatile or touchy subject, be sure to check your anger at the door. If you need to emote, do it where it won’t be heard by the one you are upset with. Process with a trusted same sex friend if need be. Then bring the “sanitized”, less toxic version to the other person. ⁱ

You’ll thank me later.

The Problem With Disagreement

 

One of the perspectives I seek out in counseling is what I call “continuum thinking”. It is my resistance to all or nothing, either/or, polarized viewpoints.

This morning I was thinking about what annoys me so much about a lot of the discourse that takes place on social media, other public or private settings and with couples on the counseling couch. And it is this: the vehemence with which some people will hold their opinions. I have been guilty of this, and if you are honest, you probably have been too.

The continuum I am referring to in this case is based on the intensity that is exhibited during one of these “discussions”.

Disagreeing ____________________ Argumentative _____________________ Abusive

I would judge the level of maturity as declining from left to right on the above chart.

I have observed that people will often hold their opinion as “Truth or Fact” when it is simply their perspective, or they are repeating someone else’s. There is objective truth, but our emotional connection to certain issues will sometimes confuse or blindside us. We must be very careful that we hold our opinions gently so that we do not create relational distance and chaos.

When it comes to social media, there is a lot of hearsay, as well as sound bites that are taken out of context. We can become victim to these repetitions and become part of the problem if we are not careful. Once we put our words out there, they are hard or impossible to retract. They might follow us around for a long time after our opinion has changed. I would ask you to consider carefully before speaking or posting anything in anger or haste.

Nan and I have both experienced people that have not been able to accurately place their behavior on the above chart. I have seen some believe they are disagreeing when they are really being very abusive – and others who will label their partners as abusive when they are really just not agreeing with them. This is one of the reasons why an outside perspective can be so helpful. The way a person sees things can be a huge blind spot. We need others to lovingly confront us at times. And it should be our goal to lovingly present our disagreements to others.

There are those who believe that they have a right to express themselves to others anytime they desire. It may be true that they have the ability or power to do that, but I would suggest that along with that power comes responsibility. That responsibility is to keep the positive goal in mind. It is very unlikely that someone will be convinced by negative, argumentative, defensive or hostile communication. Rather they will probably withdraw or become more resistant. If your need is to be heard, then process your feelings alone until you can present them in a receivable way.

I’m feeling pretty passionate about this right now because I have seen some real relational ruptures lately. Friends turn on one another, people leave the church, and couples split up. When this happens we have not displayed the kind of unity that Christ has called us to as a believing body. We have let politics, social issues and specific theologies divide us from our ultimate purpose. How would you respond?

"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others." James 3:17

The Five Stages Of Change

 

We have said it before. We have written about it before. Real change is real hard.

I was reminded of this recently when I was reading through a book written by a therapist. She was presenting the Transtheoretical Model (TTM) of change (Prochaska and DiClemente). It is the idea that change happens in stages. This particular model has 5 primary stages, although I have heard of other models having up to 8 stages.

I think it is helpful to expect change to occur over a period of time, rather than all at once. I have a friend who was struggling with substance abuse who was able to make a radical pivot in his life and never look back. He stands out in my mind because this kind of change is rare. Yes, there are miracles – and we pray for them. But mostly we have to do the hard work to acquire the results we desire.

So what are the stages of the TTM model?

Stage 1: Precontemplation

This is the denial stage. There is little or no awareness that a change is needed. It will probably take some sort of trigger event to move someone into the next stage. It might be a severe medical warning from a doctor or a threat of divorce.

Stage 2: Contemplation

This is the phase where a person starts thinking of the pros and cons of making a change. The denial is broken, but the reality of the challenge becomes apparent. Will it be worth it? It is really necessary? Can I do it?

Stage 3: Preparation or Determination

In this stage a person will not just think about the change, but make the decision whether to move forward or abandon the change. They may take some action. For example they might inquire about a therapist, coach or program. Or they may gather materials needed for the change and start educating themselves. This is also the stage that lends itself most to procrastination.

Stage 4: Action

This is the stage where there is a behavioral change. The diet program is followed. Morning devotions are started. Their attitude becomes positive and encouraging instead of critical and angry.

Stage 5: Maintenance or Perseverance

For me, this is the hardest stage. It means breaking a pattern or habit. I seem to be able to make temporary changes pretty easily. It’s keeping it moving that is hardest for me and probably for most. I have always told clients that my definition of trust is consistency over time. Often couples in counseling can be nice to each other for a short time, but then fall back into their bad habits.

Every stage of the change process can benefit by being covered in prayer. But I am thinking that praying Psalm 139: 23-24 for stage 1 might be a great start.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 
Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“