The Death of Marriage?

I was really saddened to see an article from a (married) major mental health professional agreeing with an actress who claims that marriage is a dying institution (as if the Hollywood types are the experts on marriage or committed relationships). He gave four reasons why he thought this was true.

1. The government is involved and shouldn’t be. It makes marriage too confining.

2. Oral contraceptives make marriage unnecessary to express our sexuality – so we can move on when the passion in a relationship fades.

3. Marriage deprives people of being “chosen” on a daily basis.

4. Because of the failure of so many marriages, we are really a bunch of hypocrites mocking our vows.

I thought about this list for a while and realized what a narcissistic bunch of reasons these were. Basically he is saying:

 “I don’t want anything or anybody to control ME or tell ME what I can or can’t do, even when the consequences of my choices may damage others or society.”

He also cites marriage as one of two top stressors in 90% of the people he sees in counseling. Hello? People seek counseling because they are in pain. The conclusion then, is that stress is bad and to be avoided? My job causes me stress. Finances cause me stress. People I care about cause me stress. I could go on.

I suppose that if I believe that I am at the center of the universe and everything revolves around me, then this might be good logic. Anything that blocks my wishes, wants and goals is inherently bad. But then by definition all relationships are bad – because I will be opposed at times in any human relationship I form.

I thought further about this. If marriage is unnecessary or objectionable, why do those who have been married and divorced tend to get remarried? They have already been through the pain of a hard marriage and divorce and yet they choose to do it again.

Perhaps it is like childbirth. There is something wonderful about it that transcends the pain and trouble. And so women are willing to face another birth fully knowing what lies ahead. 

Obviously this is not an argument for multiple marriages, but rather a refutation of the silly notion that marriage is not wanted or valuable to the vast majority of folks. Our pre-married classes are always full as are our relationship classes. Why? Despite perhaps having come from broken homes or painful backgrounds, the desire for a secure committed relationship remains. It is not pain free. It is just worth it. 

And most of us know that.

Song of Solomon 4: 10-12

¹⁰ Your love delights me, my treasure, my bride.
   Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices.
¹¹ Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride.
   Honey and milk are under your tongue.
   Your clothes are scented like the cedars of Lebanon.

¹² You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride,
      a secluded spring, a hidden fountain.

Break-ups. Success or Failure?

Recently we shifted the emphasis on the marriage prep class we teach at our church from pre-marrieds to pre-engaged couples. Often couples were coming to our class at the very last stage of their engagement just prior to marriage (some couples even missed a class because their wedding fell on one of the class dates). Although we welcome everyone, we feel that serious couples should attend prior to making an engagement decision – and the sooner the better.

With the high rate of divorce in our country, it makes sense to examine all aspects of the marriage process. Our belief, along with many other educators, is that up front work on the relationship will pay substantial dividends.

When a couple enters into a relationship, they both have a picture in their heads of what a marriage is supposed to look like. The trouble is, that picture is never the same – and sometimes it is so different that there is most likely real pain ahead if the couple decides to marry.

In this case, a break-up is a real success. The expectations are too different and there will likely be disappointment after disappointment. Both will feel unheard and unloved. The best solution for this couple is to have a good good-bye.

There are other couples, however, that are well suited for each other, but have a difficult time moving forward. Perhaps there is a fear of marriage because of divorced parents or friends. There might be a lot of negative advice from well-meaning friends. Perhaps they are having trouble letting go of an imaginary fantasy mate they have conjured up over the years. It is sad when these couples abandon the relationship without trying to work through the resistance. Often success is within their reach.

Once married, all break-ups are painful and might be called failures, even when unavoidable. Often there are children involved, finances are complicated to separate (or insufficient) and close family members and friends are emotionally wounded as well. The list goes on.

Having a successful God-honoring marriage begins with choosing the right person. That means really knowing the person before you make a commitment. Sometimes that means breaking up and continuing to look for Mr. or Mrs. Right. It takes courage and a willingness to suffer the resulting grief.     

Letting go of the wrong relationship is a success. 

   

Primary Hurts Produce Maladaptive Coping Behaviors

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms.

What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe?

All of these fears will determine the kind of behaviors you may adopt in order to cope with life. Unfortunately, many of these protective actions are relationally harmful – and ultimately work against the very things you are trying to achieve.

You may become angry, controlling, hostile, or manipulative – or clingy, needy and self-pitying.  

You may resort to blaming or shaming (yourself or others), withdraw to isolate or pout, surrender to depression, anxiety or addictions such as drinking, drugging, shopping, eating or entertainment.

If you were to trace backwards from these behaviors, you would probably become aware of the primary hurts that you are reacting to.  Did you feel rejected as a child (unheard, unimportant)? Was there abuse or abandonment in your past? Were you shamed or harshly criticized and made to feel inadequate, ugly, stupid – never measuring up to some unreasonable or unknowable standard?

Whatever the wound might be¸ there is usually a coping behavior that resulted (stimulus-response). So what can you do about it?

The first thing is to acknowledge the hurts. You may have to search for them or pray for God to reveal them to you before you have a full inventory. Some of the hurts are obvious, but some might be more subtle. Were there movies or art or music that triggered a feeling that surprised you? Was there ever a release of tears that caught you unaware and didn’t seem to make logical sense? What was happening at that moment? What might you be remembering at a feeling level?

Once the hurts are known you must grieve the losses. You most likely will have already felt the pain of the losses, but you may have not fully accepted them. Accepting the losses means you will give up your expectation of anyone having to make up for the deficits whether they are the source of your pain or someone else (like a mate). It means forgiving, letting go and moving on. I find that it is especially hard when it is unrepentant parents, ex-spouses, siblings and the like who are still around. If you hold reconciliation, repentance, restitution or sometimes even their acknowledgement of your hurt as your goal, you may become stuck.

Lastly, you must invite God into the painful memories and ask Him to comfort you. This can be done alone, but often it helps to do this with a caring friend or perhaps your life group (if you are in a safe one).

Forgiveness as the end product of grief is a spiritual and supernatural process. It is done on faith, with the hope of growth that produces maturity and joy.

Psalm 147:3 (NLT) He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.