Patience Please! External vs. Internal Processors

 

I often talk about how anger is one of the responses to the feeling of fear. But fear and anger also lie next to each other as primary motivators for our behavior. We know this as the fight or flight response that is very familiar to all of us.

In the book Dealing With The Elephant In The Room, author Dr. Mike Bechtle asserts that our responses will be modified by whether we are introverted or extroverted.

He says that anger motivated extroverts will bring high energy to a conflict whereas introverts will just withdraw into quiet resentment. And fear motivated extroverts will respond with high anxiety, while the introverts will quietly become resigned to the situation. Ambiverts will probably vacillate between responses depending on the person they are dealing with at the moment.

If we can divide the two groups into either external processors (extroverts) or internal processors (introverts), it will help us to stay in relationship with each other when we hit a tough spot.

What's Your Style?

During a conversation, the external processors have not reached a conclusion yet. They are coming to an understanding “on the fly”, and it can be difficult to listen to their processing without becoming alarmed by the content or the intensity. But it is important to realize that they are not finished. Where they started out in their thinking and where they finish might be miles apart. It is wise to just listen and wait.

On the other hand the internal processors need time to gather their thoughts. They should not be forced to come to a conclusion right on the spot. This can be frustrating for the extroverts, but a better result can often be achieved by letting the person process alone and then come back later with a more thought out response.

This really describes Nan and me in our conversations about things that need to be decided. I really need process time. If she presses for an immediate decision on something, she can almost always be guaranteed a “no” reply. This is especially true when it involves social interactions or events. Given time I can often (sometimes?) become more comfortable with a “yes” response. This can, of course, be wearisome for her. But it’s not as frustrating as hitting an immovable object.

There is a common denominator in dealing with both styles. They both require patience. The introvert must be patient while listening to the extrovert, and the extrovert must be patient while waiting for the introvert to come to a thought-out conclusion. This can be difficult for both of them, but it will help to avoid a negative reaction. One of the fruits of the Spirit is patience, and it is necessary to navigate these interactions whether we are both introverts, both extroverts or opposites. So seek to be filled as you pursue connection.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

The Complaint Gene

 

Nan has a term she uses in session fairly often. She calls it the “complaint gene”. She describes it as the built-in tendency to verbalize every negative thought. And these people hold a false belief: that it will motivate others to comply with their wishes. Of course it is most likely to do just the opposite.

We all know that people who will complain to you about others, will complain about you to others. The Bible calls this gossip and it is a sin. We are called to be up-lifters of others, protecting reputations and silencing rumors.

The Negativity Is Multilayered.

I believe the first layer is an unawareness of how negative they are being perceived. The constant complaining just seems normal to them. When it is pointed out, the humble learner will endeavor to change their communications.

The next layer is imperturbability. They hear the feedback but do not let it affect them. They brush it off as ‘not my problem’, but the problem of the person who spoke up. They will just continue in the bad behavior as if they never heard.

The next level is a disordered personality. You can usually tell when this is present because you will be met by hostility or significant defensiveness if you bring up the issue. I would say that there are a couple of possibilities here as well.

My Rights, My Wrongs

These people hear you, they may even agree with you at some level and yet they really don’t care. They believe they have a “right” to express themselves and force you to hear them. If you don’t, they will turn against you in anger or withdraw in angry silence and resentment.

Then there is the person who, when confronted, will tell you that you are wrong, how offended they are, and determine how they will punish you for even thinking that way. These people do not usually withdraw, but are aggressive in their anger.

Yes, life can be difficult and a certain amount of mild complaining releases some of the stress. And yes, complaining is better than criticizing. (If you start a communication with “you”, a critical remark is probably on it’s way out of your mouth.) But if you do a lot of either, get ready for people to distance from you and judge you as not a safe or pleasant person to be around.

The Bible tells us to focus on the positive as a way of life. At the time I wrote this post our church had been camping in Philippians chapter 4 for a few weeks. Verse 8 says this:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

We must fill our minds and hearts with gratitude, even when life is tough. It the antidote to anxiety and depression. And it keeps us from pushing others away. So check your DNA. Do you need to trade in your complaint gene for something more positive?

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. (Luke 6:45)

Belonging

 I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss. They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life, and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter. But many who attended surely do.

As I looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people. This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”

The Risk Of Isolation

People who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the “belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.

I think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.

I have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under stress.

Some people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not make the family our exclusive relational world.

Some groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career. I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the sense of belonging.

The Healthy Church

I believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us. Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when followed, will be self correcting. These values include love, forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t want to belong?