The Tyranny Of Comparison

 

I have been thinking a lot lately about the tyranny of comparison and how it can lead to toxic competition.

What I define as toxic competition is where I have been comparing myself or a situation I am involved in unfavorably, and then mentally setting up an undeclared contest. This can occur within a friendship, marriage, relationship, or career. Growing up, we always called this “keeping up with the Joneses”. I guess these days we would substitute the Kardashians (or is there a newer version?). But it goes deeper than just the financial impact. It speaks to how I feel about myself, my self worth, my impact on the world, and how I might believe God sees me.

Thinking about this topic brought me back to the book “Soul Keeping” by John Ortberg, where he chronicles his experience with Dallas Willard, the renowned author, theologian and former professor of philosophy at the University of Southern California. Ortberg describes him as being unconcerned about his material surroundings and possessions, but fully present in conversations with people. Willard danced to the beat of a different drum. His focus was on the inner world, the soul of people, free from the competitive forces that drive many people.

The Root Issue

I suspect the root of this issue is the fear that “I am not enough”. Not successful enough, not attractive enough, not smart enough or some other manifestation of insecurity. This self-inflicted tyranny can be painful to bear, and painful to observe in someone we care about. We have seen this toxic competition between husband and wife, and parent and child. The saddest part is that often the spouse or child doesn’t know that they have been enrolled in the contest. They just feel the emotional impact.

This comparison doesn’t just exist between two people. It can be our business vs. your business, or our church vs. your church. It can be my country vs. your country or my race vs. your race or ethnicity. And the results is casting the “other” as the opposition or even an enemy where none exists.

The Solution?

So how do we break away from this trap? I think the answer is twofold. The first is practicing gratitude which leads to contentment. Acknowledging all the blessings we have in our lives at this moment in time keeps us from dwelling on what we lack. Everyone has things to be thankful for, starting with the air that we breathe. The apostle Paul spoke of contentment in Philippians 4:11: “Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.” And again in 1 Timothy 6:6,8: “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.” People that are always comparing are discontent. They seem to be driven by the pursuit of “more”. Yes, gratitude and contentment are intertwined, and the combination, when embraced, brings peace to the weary soul.

The second is cultivating cooperation instead of competition. Ecclesiastes 4:9 says: “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.” I can personally attest to this in the business I was in for 44 years. Many of us smaller dental dealers helped each other to survive amid pressure from much larger retailers. The cooperative attitude is actively seeking a win-win outcome rather than an “us against them” attitude.

By the way, I am not talking about a lack of diligence or excellence in our endeavors, or of complacency or laziness. I am talking about examining our heart for the source of our motivation. It’s always a matter of the heart. IYKYK.

Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I had taught the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church for decades, we spent a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most had found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which hopefully goes deeper than attraction alone. Our belief is that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan the thought of assessing her character  never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We might believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

• Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
• If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
• Are we in agreement about children? 
• Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
• Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
• Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
• Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
• Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
• Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.

Could You Benefit From Medication?

I wonder how many marriages have kept from blowing apart due the miracle of modern medications. I also wonder how many people have been able to stay out of inpatient facilities because they have been stabilized by good diagnoses and treatment with therapy and medications.

Earlier in the last century none of these interventions were available and choices were limited to some very basic and sometimes harsh methods. Or untreated, a lot of people suffered and the people around them suffered as well.

But that is not the case today. Although some people would claim that medications are over-prescribed, especially for children, the truth is that there are many who would benefit from them, at least for a season. Depression and anxiety are rampant within our complex and stressful culture.

Perhaps because of the illegal drug culture or because of sensational news reporting which has maligned legitimate psychotropic medications, there is still reluctance for some people to embrace these drugs when they would clearly be of benefit. At the core of this reluctance there may be fear or shame, especially for those who have been raised in a very conservative church environment. Fortunately attitudes in most churches have been changing as they see how this attitude has been victimizing the wounded in their midst.

I am delighted to report that in the many years that Nan and I have been counseling we have seen very few adverse reactions, mostly just some temporary side effects. I believe this high success rate has been due in great measure to our clients getting evaluated and treated by highly competent medical professionals. They do their best to stay on top of their clients’ progress and make changes when necessary to optimize the treatment.

Don't Self Sabotage

The most likely failure of treatment comes when a client makes decisions on their own without input from their doctors. Too common is the client who decides to discontinue medication because they are “feeling better” or “don’t like the way it feels”. Also, some are inconsistent with their doses and becomes erratic in their behavior and claim that it isn’t working. There can be some very negative outcomes when medications are discontinued improperly. Your psychiatrist/doctor is your friend and advocate – it’s important to stay connected to him/her.

Of course it is very important to give a full disclosure to your doctor and counselor of anything that you are taking, including alcohol, over-the-counter medications, prescribed medications, self administered herbs and supplements or illegal drugs. It is possible that there could be complications or negative interactions from the wrong mix.

But approached wisely, and with wise counsel there is relief for the many who suffer from a variety of mental challenges.