Are You Superior?

Every once in a while you meet someone who is perfect. They are never wrong. God has given them permission to hold the moral high ground. Sin is what other people do, not them. No, they would never really admit that, but they just know it.

I am always amazed by these people when they end up in my counseling office. When it comes to relationship issues they are 100% not the problem. That’s because they are, well, superior. They hold lesser individuals with contempt and feel justified. When we ask them to talk about their part in the relationship difficulties they are silent. They own nothing because they are blameless.

You find these people on social media, too. They are always expounding on the ignorance of others – on the issues that morally superior people like them understand, but that others don’t. Well, unless those others think like they do.

Don’t confuse intelligence and wisdom with superiority. Superiority is an attitude, a state of mind, not an indication of how smart you really are. Many very intelligent people are also humble.

It is really hard to be in relationship with superior people. Their arrogance is so off-putting. I know this kind of behavior is often labeled as low self esteem. Somehow it takes some of the sting away when we can view them as wounded. But it doesn’t make working on problems any easier. And it flies in the face of Philippians 2:3 which says:

"Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves."

When you are with these people they can be quite confusing. Is it me or is it them who is not seeing clearly? I feel their hostility towards me, but I’m not sure I’m at fault. They can appear compassionate at times, but it feels so condescending. What’s wrong here?

Is There a Solution?

The sad news is that often these people don’t change unless they are faced with a trauma in their lives whose root points inescapably to them. It might be a divorce or other relationship breakup or a major career upset. Then the façade starts to crumble.

If you are in a relationship with a superior person, you should treat them with kindness, but set definite boundaries, both with them and with yourself. Self disclosures about your weaknesses will probably be met with contempt and be used against you. Don’t worry – they will be happy to point out your flaws. And don’t try to point out  theirs or try to fix them. It will be fruitless and it will open you up to more of their condemnation. Instead, practice loving detachment. Emotionally distance yourself as far as is necessary to not get wounded. Sometimes that can be out of the relationship.

Responding with gentleness, but firmness is what is needed if you see them beginning to break denial and face themselves. If I am describing you, the most helpful thing I can recommend is a (Christian) 12 step program.

One Fatal Flaw In Dating

Many years ago I was standing at the front counter of a dental office in Lawndale and the woman behind the desk was listening to Dr. Toni Grant, a radio psychologist. Dr. Grant was involved in a conversation with a young woman who was complaining about a relationship that she was in. “What’s wrong with him!” she whined. Dr. Grant was kind but firm:

“The problem is with you. You choose the wrong type of man. You are chasing excitement. Don’t you know that all good men are a little bit boring?”

This has stuck with me all these years because it is true – but I would say it applies to both men and women equally. Bad boys and bad girls. They are exciting, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because they are relationally unstable. They are usually temporary and most often will hurt you eventually.

What are the indicators of these personality types?

• Their lives are chaotic – financially, relationally, etc.
• They take unnecessary or foolish risks – drugs, alcohol, sex, speeding, spending, gambling, etc.
• They keep parts of their lives obscured and secretive.
• When things go wrong they blame you, or others.
• They advertise but often don’t deliver on their promises.
• They leave a trail of broken relationships.
• They control the relationship. You are always subject to their time schedule, desires and expectations. 
• They are selfish and always have an excuse for their behavior.
• They connect intensely and withdraw intensely. 

If you have been, or are in a relationship with one of these people I am sure you can add to my list. It can be difficult to break this addiction to the wrong type. You may think the trade-off is worth it, but I guarantee you it is not. Eventually the buzz wears off and the pain and damage remains.

Is there hope for you or them? Of course. People can change, but it is very difficult. Often the question is “Do they (or you) really want to change?” or “Will they do the work that change requires?”. Going to counseling or recovery programs is not always an indication of either. It is a start, but not a finish.

"But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." (James 1:22 (NLT)

I am not equating the advice of a counselor to the word of God, but I am saying that hearing alone is not sufficient. We have had clients who have stayed for quite a long time, but never grew. They knew what to do, but never followed through. Sadly, they left counseling carrying the same weights they brought with them the first session. Happily, that is not usually the case.

If you find that you are attracted to the wrong type – take a break from dating until you make the necessary shifts. If you are the wrong type, the same advice stands. You have to become the kind of person that you want to attract – spiritually, mentally and physically.   

It’s easier to add some excitement than it is to cleanup chaos. A little bit boring is healthy.  

Facebook or “Disgracebook”?

Okay, I was just trying to attract your attention with the blog title. I’ll admit it up front. But I have been thinking about social media and it’s effects on our culture, both positive and negative. I think it is wonderful to see the updates in friends’ lives – weddings, babies born, new pets, job changes – all the good things that make up our journey on this earth. But there are things that concern me, some deeply.  

It is natural to compare ourselves to others and social media is a perfect platform to evaluate our relative status. I have heard that kids in their teens can become depressed when they see friends participating in activities that they have not been invited or allowed to join. This leaves them feeling less popular, isolated and anxious. It is true that kids are probably physically safer in their rooms at home, connected with others online. But from an emotional standpoint, they are at a higher risk of mental struggles, even suicide. From a developmental perspective they miss out on the subtleties of face-to-face connection. There are facial cues and body language interpretation skills that are underdeveloped when they don’t spend enough time around others.

Another concern that I have is that we tend to post our “wins” on social media, and not our losses. This gives an incomplete picture of our lives and promotes envy from others who are comparing themselves to us. I believe this could be borderline dishonest or at least really unhelpful. Consider the following possibilities:

• I’m struggling financially and you post pictures of your expensive vacation or new car.

• My kids have never been “student of the month”, but yours have.

• I’m single and you boast of married bliss (and keep posting your wedding pictures)

• I hate my job and you seem to keep advancing in your career joyfully and effortlessly.

You get the point, I’m sure. Maybe if we also shared our places of disappointment and discouragement, others would not feel so alone.

I also think we can risk looking superior as we post our wins, but others’ failures. We won’t comment on personal relationships (unless we are really toxic), but we feel entitled to share all kinds of negative opinions about situations we are not part of, and people we don’t know. The result is we can make ourselves appear unsafe to others. People may distance from us and we won’t know why. Our intention might be to be part of a solution, but really we are just part of the problem. I have noticed that people with no real solutions will often shout on social media, but people with viable solutions will quietly take action.

What I want to suggest is that we can use social media to lift people up as much as we lift ourselves up. And I think sharing (appropriately and wisely) some of the struggles we face will draw people towards us. Finally, by steering clear of shaming, blaming and criticizing we will be following the closing blessing that we often hear at church:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

Are People Walking On Eggshells Around You?

One sure way of killing relational intimacy is making people around you ‘walk on eggshells’. You might be a wife, husband, employer, friend, employee or son or daughter. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is – if you are basically touchy, you will be treated differently.

Easily Hurt, Offended or Angered

Are you one of those people who seem to get wounded by everything? Gentle and friendly teasing is misinterpreted? You feel like a victim and powerless? Crying comes easily and you pull back quickly in defensiveness. You have been called overly sensitive most of your life, but you hate to admit it’s true.

Or maybe you take everything personally and everyone’s motives towards you are suspicious. So many things annoy you and you are constantly judging others’ behaviors and habits. You have a hard time restraining yourself from pointing them out. You have been accused of being ‘parental’, but you feel justified because they are ‘offensive’ or ‘wrong’.

Then there are those who have a short fuse. You are both easily hurt and offended, but respond angrily. You know you are one of these people because those around you seem to be constantly apologizing to you to try to appease you. And you find yourself apologizing to others because you have overreacted and wounded them. 

All of these conditions will cause people to feel unsafe around you. They may be very cautious about sharing anything that they believe may set you off in some way. If you blame them for not trusting you and sharing more deeply, they will only further distance from you. That will make you feel more lonely and isolated. You may not have reached the level of emotional abuse with your actions, but you may be controlling or manipulative.

Wounds From The Past

There may be some understandable reasons why you react this way. Past hurts or trauma from abuse or neglect may be affecting you. There might be unresolved grief from losses not yet accepted. Whether you judge it fair or not, you are solely responsible for the way you behave. You cannot place expectations on others to compensate for your losses. You can only work to grieve the losses and own your own pain. Sharing these experiences with trusted people will help to relieve some of the tenderness.

Walking on eggshells is very difficult, and is sad for everyone. Healing requires humility, forgiveness, self-control and courage. It begins by surrendering your pain at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

"Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” 
Romans 12:18 (NLT)

Rarely Alone, But Often Lonely

There was a time a few years into our marriage when Nan & I weren’t on the same page spiritually. Lots of stuff was going well for us, but this was a really sticky place. I was pretty happy with the way things were, but Nan wasn’t. At one point she told me she was lonely and didn’t know if our marriage could last if it stayed the way it was.

Although I entered counseling reluctantly, I somehow knew it was necessary and I allowed myself to be talked into going (by her counselor).

It was the best decision I ever made.

Why was Nan lonely? There were parts of her heart that she couldn’t share, because I just couldn’t relate to the depth of her feelings. The spiritual intimacy she wanted with me wasn’t possible – and that left her feeling lonely.

For you it might be different where your loneliness rests. It might be that you feel like you are parenting alone. Or there may be an absence or disconnection in your sexual intimacy. Maybe the conversations you share with your partner are not understood or valued. Maybe you don’t feel heard at all. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel good.

What may be particularly difficult is that you are around the other person a lot of the time, but it’s not satisfying, maybe even annoying. You know it could be great and that makes you sad. That is why you got married or into a relationship, but this loneliness is not what you expected.

The Solution

If you are already in a permanent committed relationship, you need to talk about it, as uncomfortable as it may be. Be sure to stress the positive before you bring up the stuck place. For us it took a third party because of the nature of the disconnect. It wasn’t that I failed to listen, it was that I needed a paradigm shift that I just couldn’t make on my own.

If you are not yet fully committed, which usually means married, I would strongly advise you to make sure you are in agreement in most areas of life – spiritually, financially, sexually, life direction, health, family etc. If not, this relationship could leave you feeling alone and scared and resentful.

Nan and I both have a pretty high need for alone time, but we are not lonely. We just understand each other and respect the boundaries. We have figured it out because we have talked about it and are willing to discuss it when necessary.

Our pastor says there is nothing worse than being single and wishing you were married – unless it is married and wishing you were single. I get what he means. The truth is that relationships can be wonderful when both of you are on the same path.

The Insider’s Solution to a Successful Marriage

So, you two are different.

That wasn’t a question. That was a statement, and it’s probably the root of most of the problems in a relationship. You may have heard the official terminology: power struggle.

And it’s true. Your differences are going to cause stress. 

Nan and I are organized differently. All you would have to do is check out our dishwasher after each one of us has loaded it. The way we handle clothes can be different, the process of cooking and cleaning up after a meal is different and our level of comfort with clutter is different. Nan and I have different needs for sociability, different bedtimes and we have temperature wars in our environments. I could go on. And we have been pretty happily married for almost 47 years. So what gives?

We have learned a level of acceptance for each other that allows us to live together peacefully.

How we have done this is by trying our best to negotiate the differences and treat each other with “kind friendliness”. We really try to focus on where we agree, rather than disagree. It’s not always easy and I can’t say I have always been able to do this with grace, but I obviously haven’t failed entirely. After all, we are still together and still friends.

One conversation I have heard Nan have with women on more than one occasion is this:

“So you wanted to marry an easy-going stable guy, right?”

“Yes, but he’s not very ambitious, and quite frankly kind of boring.”

Then Nan will point out that stability is kind of boring, and easy-going isn’t “Type A”. You can’t have both. And to flip it around, a guy may choose a flashy, stylish kind of woman and then complain that she shops too often and spends too much. Yeah, that’s how she caught your attention and hopes to keep it in the future. You can’t have it both ways, either.

As I am writing this post we are sitting in our cabin that is not as remote as I would have liked, on a piece of land smaller than I would have chosen. Nan is relaxing on a deck that overlooks a river rather than an ocean, wearing more cold weather clothes than she would prefer. When we bought a sailboat many years ago it was bigger than I would have liked, but smaller than the condo Nan would have picked. 

So I’m sure you get the point. You didn’t (or won’t) marry yourself and so you don’t get to have everything exactly the way you want it. You will both have to accept that you are not the center around which the world revolves. But you can still have it good. Really good.  

Do You Need Counseling or Coaching

Although there are a lot of similarities between counseling and coaching, there are also some distinctions that are important to understand as you seek a counselor or coach.

• Counseling helps you move through the pain, struggles, or challenges of the past. 

• Coaching is about results – moving forward with growth – realizing your dreams. 

Sometimes we are needing both – it requires healing the past to be able to move forward with our goals. Pastor and author Peter Scazerro in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality says that it is impossible to become spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. His advice is that we must go backwards and deal with our past before we can effectively move forward with maturity. For some that might be a priority.

But for others who have already taken an introspective journey, strategizing for the future might be their greatest need. In this case, some different tools are required to achieve goals. What’s desired may be defining a clear direction, breaking it down into manageable action steps, and having accountability to follow through with the steps. This is the realm of coaching.

Just like there are general counselors and specialty counselors, there are a diversity of coaches. Do you need a life coach, a business coach, a spiritual coach, a parent coach or some other more specific help? Most coaches can help in a variety of ways without having detailed specifics of a particular field. They can ask great questions and get you thinking on a particular track. But sometimes the assistance you need is very specific. In those cases finding just the right person is invaluable. Have they walked the road you want to walk? Have they been successful? 

Coach or Counselor? 

Can a counselor also be a coach and a coach be a counselor? Well, yes and no. A counselor can certainly function as a coach, especially if they know that is your primary goal. But a coach is generally restricted to dealing with the present and future. It would not be helpful to assume that they are interchangeable roles. The training for each is different and counselors are often licensed whereas coaches may have various levels of preparation and certification – or not.

Whereas most counseling takes place in person or by video, coaching may not require that kind of connection. Much of some kinds of coaching can be done over the telephone or email. That’s because reading body language and making emotional connections is usually less critical. Coaching requires doing assigned homework and reporting back results. Sessions may not to be as long, but perhaps more frequent.

What may be the most important factor in choosing someone is the person themselves. Do you trust their character as well as their knowledge? Can you be honest with them? Whether being coached or counseled, can you walk with them confidently for a season?