It's About You -- It's About Me

Attachment is the ability to bond to others. It is rooted in our beliefs about ourselves and others. And it determines how secure we feel.

Am I lovable? Are others willing to love me? Am I worthy of love? Are others even capable of love?

There are many more questions surrounding our ability to attach. Why is this important? Our beliefs will influence our ability to have healthy relationships with others. It will determine whether we feel needy or safe or suspicious or trusting or optimistic when forming bonds with others. It even influences our ability to trust that God is good or available to us.

These beliefs are developed during our early years, many of them before we can talk. As a newborn baby did I need medical intervention that included being poked with needles and isolated from my parents? When I cried was I comforted? When I was hungry was I fed quickly? Was I born into a tough situation where my caregiver was stressed and could not adequately provide for me?

Fortunately, as humans with the ability to think and grow, we do not have to be permanently hobbled by our beliefs. We can learn to dispel any lies that we have accepted about our worth or the worth of others.

Here is a quick assessment that can help you determine your attachment style – see which style you lean towards.

1.    A. I don’t like sharing my feelings with others.

       B. I really like sharing my feelings with my partner, but he/she does not seem as  open as I am.

       C. My feelings are very confusing to me, so I try not to feel them.

       D. I find it easy to share my feelings with people I’m close to.

2.    A. I don’t like it when my partner wants to talk about his/her feelings.

       B. My feelings can get out of control very quickly

       C. My feelings are very intense and overwhelming.

       D. I like it when my partner wants to share his/her feelings with me.                            

3.    A. I have a hard time understanding how other people feel.

       B. I worry about being alone.

       C. I feel torn between wanting to be close to others and wanting to pull away.

       D. I am confortable getting close to others, but I also feel comfortable being alone.

4.    A. When I get stressed, I try to deal with the situation all by myself.

       B. I worry about being abandoned in close relationships.

       C. My partner complains that sometimes I’m really needy and clingy and other times I’m distant and aloof.

       D. I expect my partner to respect who I am.

5.   A. My partner often complains that I don’t like to talk about how I feel.

      B. My partner complains that I am too clingy and too emotional.

      C. I have a difficult time letting others get close to me, but once I let them in, I worry about being abandoned or rejected.   

      D. I expect my partner to respond to my needs in a sensitive and appropriate way.

6.   A. I don’t really need close relationships.

      B. I strongly desire to be very intimate with people.

      C. I feel very vulnerable in close relationships.

      D. Building intimacy in relationships comes relatively easy to me.

    

7.   A. I highly value my independence and self-sufficiency.

      B. In my closest relationship, the other person doesn’t seem as desirous of intimacy and closeness as I am.

      C. Sometimes I feel very disconnected from myself and my feelings.

      D. I let myself feel my emotions, but I’m rarely, if ever, overwhelmed by them.

8.   A. I don’t worry about being alone or abandoned.

      B. I worry a great deal about being rejected by others.

      C. I can’t decide whether or not I want to be in close relationships.

      D. I am able to understand and respond sensitively to my partner’s feelings.

9.   A. I don’t worry about being accepted by others.

      B. I tend to value close, intimate relationships over personal achievement and success.

      C. Other people can really hurt you if you let them get too close.

      D. I do a decent job balancing my need for intimacy with my need for achievement and success.

10. A. I tend to value personal achievements and success over close, intimate relationships.

      B. When I get stressed, I desperately seek others for support, but no one seems as available as I would like them to be.

      C. Close relationships are difficult to come by because people tend to be unpredictable in their actions and behaviors.

      D. When I get stressed, I feel comfortable seeking comfort from my partner and/or close friends.

Key

Mostly:

A:  Avoidant attachment style  -- I'm worried about you

B:  Anxious attachment style  --  I'm worried about me

C:  Fearful attachment style   --  I'm worried about both of us 

D:  Secure attachment style  --       

Friendliness in Marriage

Not for the first time, I heard a complaint from a wife the other day:

“When he comes home from work, my husband greets the dog before he greets me!”

I thought about it for a moment and I asked:

“Are you as happy to see him when he comes home as the dog is? Do you smile and give him a hug?”

I could also apply this to husbands. Do you welcome your wife home from her job? Do you try to connect with her? Most wives these days are not stay-at-home workers.

Over the course of a marriage it is a temptation to let courtesies slide. When we were first together we couldn’t wait to see our beloved. We hugged and kissed. We remembered to say please and thank-you. We smiled a lot at each other and maybe even hung on to each other’s words. As the years progress, life gets busy. Kids may come along and suck up a lot of our time. Resentments and disappointments collect, and we somehow think that we are off the hook from having to continue the friendly exchanges.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I can’t speak for the women, but I know us guys need that friendliness. It keeps us trying to do better. It makes really hard days at work worthwhile. It makes our home our castle – safe and secure.

Both Nan & I drop what we are doing when the other arrives home. We greet each other in the morning when we get up. We pray before bed. We try to remember to ask if the other needs something when we are going to the kitchen (Nan is better at this). All of this says “I like you. You are important to me.”

I have heard all kinds of excuses why he or she doesn’t want to be friendly to their spouse. Apart from needing some distance from addictive behavior, very few excuses are legitimate. Even with addictions, we can choose to be kind, and hopefully make a plan to help them (and us) out of their stuck place.

Beyond the personal and familial benefits of creating harmony in the home, I think there is also a mandate from God:

Romans 12:10(NLT)

¹⁰ Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

How about you? Have you let the friendliness in your marriage or other significant relationships slide into a bad place? It could be that you are holding on to anger or resentment and need to forgive. Or perhaps it’s just an oversight, due to relational laziness. Either way, you have some work to do.

False Advertising in Marriage

If you are recently married or hope to be, this will be of most interest to you.

I sometimes notice an inconsistency in couples before and after marriage. This difference is a result of being in the “acquisition mode” versus the “marriage mode”.

In the acquisition mode we are on our best behavior. We are kind, attentive and interested. We do things the other person likes to do. We dress for them, we can’t wait to see them or talk to them. And we keep ourselves in the best shape that we can.

For some folks that changes after the rings are on.

He proposed when she was a certain weight, and she accepted him at his current state of physicality. (Yes, I know she sometimes slims down for the wedding dress.) But did she start adding pounds after the wedding, and did Mr. Work Out turn into Mr. Couch Potato? That’s not fair to either one of them. Yes, I know our body changes over the years – for women especially during pregnancy. But we can work to keep ourselves in reasonable shape. I’m not advocating becoming compulsive or obsessive about it. 

1 Timothy 4:8 “Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come.” 

Ladies, good men will rarely talk about this issue with you – but he is probably thinking it. And if you ask him about it, he will deny it. But it affects his desire. This is one of the big fears of pre-married men.

What affects a woman’s desire? It is the way you treat her. Do you still take her out on dates? Are you friendly? Do you still listen to her? One of the big fears for women is that he will lose interest in her.

Sometimes guys will slip back into old habits after marriage (women, too). Did you give up smoking, drinking, drugs, cussing, pornography or something else only to resume sometime after the wedding? Not fair. Did you pray or read the Bible while you were dating, but let that slide, too? That is deception and it will affect her desire for you.

Sometimes people check off marriage on a to-do list. Then they shift their attention to the next thing. Marriage – check. Next item – baby, or boat or motorcycle or whatever. That isn’t fair to your partner. They married you to be with you, not for you to abandon them to a child or hobby or career.  

Do not pretend before you get married. If you are not into sports, say so. If you hate going out to movies, make sure your beloved knows that. If you have a low desire for sex, or are afraid of it – make sure you talk about that. 

If you have been married for a while, the same things still apply, even though it may be more difficult to get back on track. You may have to start back up that road slowly. I would suggest that it is honoring to God when you do.