Learning To Say NO

If you are like me, there are times that saying “no” is extremely difficult. The natural people pleaser in me comes out in full force and I struggle with feelings of guilt.

Actually I vacillate between feelings of guilt and feelings of resentment. I want to both please myself, and please others, but it’s just not always possible. Sometimes there is an opportunity to reach a compromise that is workable, and I try for that when it concerns people close to me. But there are other times when I must make a choice.

This becomes particularly important when it involves a conflict between time or money spent for things inside versus outside of my relationship. Commitment to one thing means not being available for something or someone else. When that someone else is my spouse there can be potential for some serious consequences.

So how do I learn to say no without feeling any guilt?

I think the first step is to realize that what we are feeling is usually false guilt. Often we are not doing anything wrong, it just feels that way. I have a right to make choices for my life, and I may need to change my self talk from self condemning to self affirming. This is not an excuse to make all my decisions selfish choices, but rather to embrace the reality that I need to exercise good self care and protect my primary relationships as well.

Part of the solution is to learn how to be gracious and effective in the way we turn people down. People use four strategies to say “no”. Only one is desirable. (From “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury and thanks to Michael Hyatt).

Accommodation: We say Yes when we want to say No. This happens when we value the relationship of the person making the request above the importance of our own interests.

Attack: We say no poorly. This is a result of valuing our own interests above the importance of the relationship. Sometimes we are fearful or resentful of the request and overreact to the person asking.

Avoidance: We say nothing at all. Because we are afraid of offending the other party, we say nothing, hoping the problem will go away. It rarely does.

Affirmation: We use a formula of “Yes-No-Yes.” This is in contrast to the ordinary “No” which begins with a No and ends with a No. A positive No begins with a “Yes” and ends with a “Yes.”

The reality is that our resources are finite, and we must be wise about how we distribute them. Will we be misunderstood? Will people be irritated, offended or disappointed when we say “No”? Unfortunately, the answer will often be “Yes”.

Learning to deal with those uncomfortable feelings is part of our maturity. From a psychological perspective, it is overcoming our codependency. From a spiritual perspective it is being a good steward.  

Just Positive Comments On Relationships

As this is a holiday week, I am going to make sure that my post is about what goes right in a relationship rather than what can go wrong. Although both must be considered at times, I want my mind and spirit directed towards the positive.

As I get older and wiser, I am becoming more aware of wanting to make Nan happy, not just be willing to compromise my selfish desires. It’s a different motivation. I have heard that codependents actually operate from a selfish place, wanting to make others happy so that they can feel happy, or at least free of stress. That’s not the same thing as wanting to truly see another filled with joy.

I am hoping that this has not been a struggle for you. I know that for some it is not. Or perhaps this was easier when the relationship first began, but things have changed. I do know this: as a couple when you have the other person’s happiness as your goal, when both of you try to out love your mate, it is likely you both will also feel personally joyful.

What this requires, of course, is being a student of your partner. It requires studying them and really knowing the things that make them happy. What are on their list of favorites? I am not just talking about material things, but experiences and interests and colors and entertainment choices, etc. What does he like to read (does he even like to read)? What is her love language?  

Nan loves to stare at water – any water: beach, lake, stream, river. If I want to make her happy on vacation, it will include some kind of water. She knows for me that a vacation must include an opportunity for solitude. A high-rise hotel just won’t make it for me. Shopping is not important for either one of us (except food), but don’t deprive us of good coffee. We know this about each other and try to plan accordingly.

Dreaming Together

When a couple is able to dream together, it creates intimacy. Can you dream with your partner and feel understood? It may be that your dreams are not always aligned, but can you lend energy to your partner’s vision even if you cannot support it? When Nan and I dream together there is a point where we become divergent, but we try to stay with the parts where we can agree.

Have you ever asked your partner what makes them happy? Have they ever asked you? I know some of you out their want your partner to “just know”. But it is a fair question, especially if you really want to be known. Don’t get mad or be frustrated by that question. It may not seem that romantic, but neither is having a mate that misses the mark all the time. This is an important aspect of good communication.  

One last comment about vacation. I know at least several couples that get along so well on vacation, but struggle at home. Whatever you tend to do on vacation that makes the difference needs to be figured out. And then do your best to make the necessary changes. It might just be as simple as carving out a few minutes each day to talk to each other.  

Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.

Romans 12:10

The 18 Red Flags Of Relationships (Danger)

If you have attended one of our pre-married/pre-engagement classes you have already seen this list. For those who haven’t and are considering marriage, this is a wonderful time to pause and do some serious evaluating.

Not all of these need to be considered deal breakers, but once the wedding process is on “full speed ahead” it is very difficult to stop it or slow it down. But I assure you – it would be better than proceeding when there may be factors in the relationship that are particularly troublesome. It is so much easier to deal with issues before joining your lives together. Once the rings are on, some people are not willing to face the painful places in their lives. Do it while you both have a stronger motivation and before inertia has set in.

So look over this list carefully and don’t minimize or rationalize away the problems. Marriage should be a lifetime commitment and it takes both your brain and your heart to be in sync when you make the second most important choice in your lifetime.

• You’ve known the person for less than a year
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Over dependency on family
• Over dependence on partner
• Serious quarrelling (or uncontrolled anger, raging)
• Many significant people in your life are uncomfortable about your relationship
• If there is a serious problem that is unresolved
• Significant financial problems or serious debt
• You feel pressured to marry due to age, sex, etc
• You believe sexual involvement must lead to marriage
• Both are 18 or younger
• You just have to get out of your parent’s house
• Pregnancy
• Strong cultural, social or economic differences
• There’s no plan for your relationship – no goals
• God is not as important to your partner as to you
• Unaddressed abuse in either person’s background (physical, sexual or emotional)
• Physical abuse – even once (get out) 

So what did you notice? Are there any items that made you uncomfortable? Or are you smiling because nothing applied to your relationship? You may have to dig a bit deeper into the relationship to find out some of the answers. You may have to ask family or friends or other trusted people in your life what they see. Weigh their answers carefully, especially from those who are not overly critical or overly positive by nature.

By the way, if you were wondering about the first most important choice in your life: it is making a commitment to follow Christ.

Running With Persons of Quality

When you think of the word ‘quality’, what comes to mind for you? I think of concepts like value, excellence, worth, weightiness and the like. These words all describe positive or desirable characteristics. I easily apply the concept of quality to the things in my life that I want to acquire. What I am really saying is that I desire ‘high or good’ quality in the things that surround me.

It is the same for the people in my life. I want to be in healthy relationships with people of substance that can help me reach my goals in life. It is far more difficult to push through life’s issues when the preponderance of my acquaintances are always self-destructing from bad choices. I am not advocating avoiding all these people. God often appoints us to enter into the lives of hurting people to be salt and light. But I must be careful when choosing my closest friends.

When it comes to choosing a life partner I want to be particularly diligent. No other decision will affect me as completely as the person I marry (at least in this life). That is why Nan & I encourage dating people to take their time and do the critical preliminary work before making a permanent commitment.  

So how do I locate these quality people?

I must attract them. And the way I attract them is by being the kind of person that I desire to have in my life. After all, birds of a feather do flock together. Over the years I have had to eliminate people from my life that were not good for me. It is never easy, often painful to leave these relationships. But I will be identified by the people that I choose to associate with.    

Few of us would probably think that we are not a person of quality, yet it’s probable that all of us could use a good “housecleaning” time to time.  Some of us might even need a full remodel – but one from the inside out, not just patching and painting the exterior.

Of course what we are talking about is character.

I really struggle to tell the “most honest version” at times. I love to dress up my flaws in such a way as to present myself in the best light. But I am really messing with my character. I love comfort, but often preserving my character means being uncomfortable, taking the hits.

What are the qualities that you most value in a person? Are they those deep characterological traits that are enduring, or are you more concerned with superficialities and “window dressing”? As a youngster I was much more apt to chase outward beauty, the trappings of success, and things with temporary value. Now, not so much.

As John Ortberg says in a book of the same title; (referring to our life) “When the game is over, it all goes back in the box.”

The question is – will we cheat our way through the game with partners of the same mindset, or play with integrity, no matter the outcome.

 Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.