The Complaint Gene

 

Nan has a term she uses in session fairly often. She calls it the “complaint gene”. She describes it as the built-in tendency to verbalize every negative thought. And these people hold a false belief: that it will motivate others to comply with their wishes. Of course it is most likely to do just the opposite.

We all know that people who will complain to you about others, will complain about you to others. The Bible calls this gossip and it is a sin. We are called to be up-lifters of others, protecting reputations and silencing rumors.

The Negativity Is Multilayered.

I believe the first layer is an unawareness of how negative they are being perceived. The constant complaining just seems normal to them. When it is pointed out, the humble learner will endeavor to change their communications.

The next layer is imperturbability. They hear the feedback but do not let it affect them. They brush it off as ‘not my problem’, but the problem of the person who spoke up. They will just continue in the bad behavior as if they never heard.

The next level is a disordered personality. You can usually tell when this is present because you will be met by hostility or significant defensiveness if you bring up the issue. I would say that there are a couple of possibilities here as well.

My Rights, My Wrongs

These people hear you, they may even agree with you at some level and yet they really don’t care. They believe they have a “right” to express themselves and force you to hear them. If you don’t, they will turn against you in anger or withdraw in angry silence and resentment.

Then there is the person who, when confronted, will tell you that you are wrong, how offended they are, and determine how they will punish you for even thinking that way. These people do not usually withdraw, but are aggressive in their anger.

Yes, life can be difficult and a certain amount of mild complaining releases some of the stress. And yes, complaining is better than criticizing. (If you start a communication with “you”, a critical remark is probably on it’s way out of your mouth.) But if you do a lot of either, get ready for people to distance from you and judge you as not a safe or pleasant person to be around.

The Bible tells us to focus on the positive as a way of life. At the time I wrote this post our church had been camping in Philippians chapter 4 for a few weeks. Verse 8 says this:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

We must fill our minds and hearts with gratitude, even when life is tough. It the antidote to anxiety and depression. And it keeps us from pushing others away. So check your DNA. Do you need to trade in your complaint gene for something more positive?

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. (Luke 6:45)

Belonging

 I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss. They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life, and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter. But many who attended surely do.

As I looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people. This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”

The Risk Of Isolation

People who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the “belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.

I think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.

I have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under stress.

Some people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not make the family our exclusive relational world.

Some groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career. I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the sense of belonging.

The Healthy Church

I believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us. Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when followed, will be self correcting. These values include love, forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t want to belong?