Patience Please! External vs. Internal Processors

 

I often talk about how anger is one of the responses to the feeling of fear. But fear and anger also lie next to each other as primary motivators for our behavior. We know this as the fight or flight response that is very familiar to all of us.

In the book Dealing With The Elephant In The Room, author Dr. Mike Bechtle asserts that our responses will be modified by whether we are introverted or extroverted.

He says that anger motivated extroverts will bring high energy to a conflict whereas introverts will just withdraw into quiet resentment. And fear motivated extroverts will respond with high anxiety, while the introverts will quietly become resigned to the situation. Ambiverts will probably vacillate between responses depending on the person they are dealing with at the moment.

If we can divide the two groups into either external processors (extroverts) or internal processors (introverts), it will help us to stay in relationship with each other when we hit a tough spot.

What's Your Style?

During a conversation, the external processors have not reached a conclusion yet. They are coming to an understanding “on the fly”, and it can be difficult to listen to their processing without becoming alarmed by the content or the intensity. But it is important to realize that they are not finished. Where they started out in their thinking and where they finish might be miles apart. It is wise to just listen and wait.

On the other hand the internal processors need time to gather their thoughts. They should not be forced to come to a conclusion right on the spot. This can be frustrating for the extroverts, but a better result can often be achieved by letting the person process alone and then come back later with a more thought out response.

This really describes Nan and me in our conversations about things that need to be decided. I really need process time. If she presses for an immediate decision on something, she can almost always be guaranteed a “no” reply. This is especially true when it involves social interactions or events. Given time I can often (sometimes?) become more comfortable with a “yes” response. This can, of course, be wearisome for her. But it’s not as frustrating as hitting an immovable object.

There is a common denominator in dealing with both styles. They both require patience. The introvert must be patient while listening to the extrovert, and the extrovert must be patient while waiting for the introvert to come to a thought-out conclusion. This can be difficult for both of them, but it will help to avoid a negative reaction. One of the fruits of the Spirit is patience, and it is necessary to navigate these interactions whether we are both introverts, both extroverts or opposites. So seek to be filled as you pursue connection.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

The Complaint Gene

 

Nan has a term she uses in session fairly often. She calls it the “complaint gene”. She describes it as the built-in tendency to verbalize every negative thought. And these people hold a false belief: that it will motivate others to comply with their wishes. Of course it is most likely to do just the opposite.

We all know that people who will complain to you about others, will complain about you to others. The Bible calls this gossip and it is a sin. We are called to be up-lifters of others, protecting reputations and silencing rumors.

The Negativity Is Multilayered.

I believe the first layer is an unawareness of how negative they are being perceived. The constant complaining just seems normal to them. When it is pointed out, the humble learner will endeavor to change their communications.

The next layer is imperturbability. They hear the feedback but do not let it affect them. They brush it off as ‘not my problem’, but the problem of the person who spoke up. They will just continue in the bad behavior as if they never heard.

The next level is a disordered personality. You can usually tell when this is present because you will be met by hostility or significant defensiveness if you bring up the issue. I would say that there are a couple of possibilities here as well.

My Rights, My Wrongs

These people hear you, they may even agree with you at some level and yet they really don’t care. They believe they have a “right” to express themselves and force you to hear them. If you don’t, they will turn against you in anger or withdraw in angry silence and resentment.

Then there is the person who, when confronted, will tell you that you are wrong, how offended they are, and determine how they will punish you for even thinking that way. These people do not usually withdraw, but are aggressive in their anger.

Yes, life can be difficult and a certain amount of mild complaining releases some of the stress. And yes, complaining is better than criticizing. (If you start a communication with “you”, a critical remark is probably on it’s way out of your mouth.) But if you do a lot of either, get ready for people to distance from you and judge you as not a safe or pleasant person to be around.

The Bible tells us to focus on the positive as a way of life. At the time I wrote this post our church had been camping in Philippians chapter 4 for a few weeks. Verse 8 says this:

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

We must fill our minds and hearts with gratitude, even when life is tough. It the antidote to anxiety and depression. And it keeps us from pushing others away. So check your DNA. Do you need to trade in your complaint gene for something more positive?

A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart. (Luke 6:45)

Belonging

 I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss. They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life, and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter. But many who attended surely do.

As I looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people. This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”

The Risk Of Isolation

People who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the “belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.

I think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.

I have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under stress.

Some people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not make the family our exclusive relational world.

Some groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career. I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the sense of belonging.

The Healthy Church

I believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us. Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when followed, will be self correcting. These values include love, forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t want to belong?

Ripped Off By FOMO

 

The premise is simple: because we have a fear of missing out on life, we stare at smart phones for hours and actually miss out on life. It’s sad and it is increasing our levels of depression, especially in kids and teens.

It is true that they are physically safer locked in their rooms staring at social media, but emotionally they are being compromised. Why? They are aware of all the things they didn’t get invited to, or are not able to participate in. And it makes them depressed, sometimes even suicidal. And it distracts them from homework and joining in with the family.

Granted, earlier generations may have sat around the “boob tube”, soaking in the inane antics of some comedy show. But at least it was a group activity, usually with some sort of interaction and running commentary. There was a sense of togetherness that just seems missing today. But truthfully, there was a bigger world just outside the front door that was being largely ignored then also.

How about us adults?

Are we much different? I guess our work life or parenting interrupts our addiction to social media, but it seems like the ubiquitous cell phone travels with us everywhere. Could it be that by our example we are actually reinforcing the value of constant electronic connection to our kids?

I didn’t have a smart phone until 2017 (and truth be told I still have to fully learn it) but I sure have wasted thousands of hours on my computer. I don’t deny that it has added a lot of value to me as well, and surely wouldn’t give it up. I mean, how would I know my schedule? How could I write spelling perfect blogs without it? But do I really need to know who is angry over whatever?

As I get older my real fear is that I will miss out on the one and only life that God has granted me. I’m scared I will miss out on all the wonderful things that surround me while I have my nose stuck in a 14” laptop or a 6” smart phone screen. And I am sad that I am such a willing participant.

Every night around dusk a flock of wild turkeys walks down to get a drink from the river. Occasionally they will be joined by a few deer. Ducks will float down the river on their journey to who knows where. But many days I miss it because I am nose down in electronic media gathering useless information. What is it that I am afraid of missing out on that’s more important?

There is a myth that we must carve out quality time for children – but the truth is that quality moments come in the midst of a quantity of time. Quality moments can’t be scheduled and they can’t be manufactured. They just happen, and we want to be there when they do. And not just with our children. The other people we care about qualify as well. Sure, we are busy and so we have to do the best we can within the constraints of life. But even so, if we are absorbed by FOMO we will likely become a victim of it. Look up, not down. Don’t get ripped off.

Unity, Not Polarization

 
I, like many people, have been increasingly concerned by the polarization that has been occurring in our world. It has set friends against one another, family members against one another, and Christian brothers and sisters against one another. This is not God’s plan for us. It is actually the opposite. Jesus praying:

“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.” John 17:20-23

Of course the problem is that we desire for others to move over to our position, rather than us moving over to theirs. It isn’t going to happen. All the social media posting and arguing in the world isn’t going to change people’s positions. It is only going to inflame and further separate us. Look at the last sentence in the above passage. The words unity and love stick out to me. Is that what you are experiencing from others? Is that what you are communicating to others with your words?

Polarization gets us focused on right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, and all kinds of us/them dis-unifying thinking. Most often what we are not expressing is truth, but opinion. And those opinions are based on all kinds of emotions, usually fear or anger, not love.

Are you shaming people in the way you express your opinion?

Shaming is going deeper than saying “I don’t like what you did”. It is saying “I don’t like who you are. You are defective. If you hold that opinion there is something wrong with you.” But the Bible tells us something different:

“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14

If we wish to influence people, we must do it with love and compassion, not anger and criticism.

“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4

Our kindness can be our best tool to help people to consider our opinions. We, as believers are called to build up, lift up, encourage, restore, and reconcile. We can not do it by tearing down and destroying people with our words. We must do it with love, seeking the truth, and not by repeating hearsay or gossip.

I try my best to obscure inflammatory posts on my social media feeds when I catch them. I see no purpose in letting them stand. It is not that I have no opinions or am cowardly. I simply do not wish to be part of a problem that seems to be increasing and is in opposition to Jesus’s call for us to be peacemakers.

Can you be steadfast in the things of God, but yielding in the things of this world? The Bible calls this the battle between the Spirit and the flesh. I know it is very hard when you feel deeply. But, as I regularly communicate in counseling, feelings do not determine reality.

I suppose it all comes down to what we value most.

“But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15

Are You One Of The Motivated People?

 

“The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.” Edwin H. Friedman

We tell people all the time that “unasked for advice will always be received as criticism”. Yet, especially with couples, it seems to often fall on deaf ears. As I read the above quote from Ed Friedman, it occurs to me that criticism is a poor motivator for positive change. And the only change I can expect is the one I impose on myself. I believe that positive, but realistic self-talk is a key element in the change process. Getting a grip on my internal narrative is life changing. My thoughts are powerful. My God directed dialog (prayer) breaks the mental logjam.

Also, as Friedman stated, staying connected, not moving against another person is an important part of the process. That’s hard to do when your feelings are high. But hard is not bad. Sinning is bad. (And “don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” Ephesians 4:26)

In counseling we use insight as one of the tools for change. Its effectiveness is dependent on a client’s willingness to be influenced by the counselor’s observations. There are those who are truly desiring to get free of whatever is troubling them and get better. But there are others whose only goal is to feel better, not get healthier. Those are the unmotivated people Friedman is referring to.

It is easy to spot unmotivated clients. They talk about others, not themselves. They are world class blameshifters and complainers. In anger they may set goals for others with a self-righteous attitude. And their relationships never change or end up getting worse. Why? They set powerless goals.

I had a family member who fit into that category. They wanted my ear for complaints, but did not actually want to change themselves to make things better. I got bored with the repetitive complaints and I finally set a boundary (I decided to change myself). I suggested a prayer partner for the person instead of counseling. The response: “I just want to be heard. I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems.” Ouch! The truth. But I held my boundary to not listen to complaints about others. The result? Crickets.

This is not the only possible outcome. Sometimes clients will eventually understand. In humility they will admit their powerlessness and accept insight that leads to real progress. They are the clients I love. Often the hurts have been deep and the defenses have been necessary for survival. Surrendering means grief or facing fears.

Do you have the courage to look inward for solutions? Can you focus on what you can do rather than blame others, even though they may largely be at fault? Can you shift to a more positive attitude? Can you just be silent when your words will only escalate a conflict? Can you admit that most of what you express may be your opinion rather than absolute fact, that you might be missing important details? Can you let God be the judge and not you? I know, tough stuff.

“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” Luke 6:41-42