Mentored By Strangers

Whenever Nan & I go on vacation we always take along a stack-full of ‘mentors’.

Yes, we are talking about books (and CD’s & DVD’s). Some of the books we take along are fiction (who doesn’t enjoy a good Grisham on vacation). But we also take books that tend to help us re-create – after all, that’s what recreation is, right?

Over the years the authors of these books have served as spiritual as well as professional mentors to us. Fortunately for us most of these authors are living today, and we have been able to meet several of them over time thanks to our home church, Christian Assembly in Los Angeles.

Meeting such authors as Henry Cloud, John Eldredge, Larry Crabb, Arch Hart, etc. is optional for most of us. But the wisdom they are able to impart through their materials is available for anyone who would want to read or listen. I cannot overestimate the impact that these fine men and women have had over our lives.

Anyone who knows me (Dave) well would say, “He’s always reading something – always talking about some book or article.”   And that would be true. I don’t see growth apart from an active life of curiosity for more depth of learning.

For example, I have been meditating on a sentence from the book “Living From The Heart Jesus Gave You” – written by several authors (published by Shepherd’s House) on redemption:

"Redemption means that out of our greatest pain, can come our most profound mission in life."

How does that apply to me? How does that apply to you? Are we living out that mission, or have we failed to face our pain and continuing to live in that unhealed pain and living a defeated life?

Another great statement is the major premise from both of Peter Scazzero’s books “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality” and “The Emotionally Healthy Church:

“It is not possible for a Christian to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”

Wow – quite a statement. At what stage of emotional or spiritual maturity am I? How is it defined? Fortunately, all of the authors are in agreement and spend time defining stages of maturity.

Again from the book ”Living From the Heart Jesus Gave You”:

"As a whole, our American culture does poorly in the area of maturation, and, sadly enough, the majority of our population probably operates at the infant or child level of maturity."

My mentors push me to become more informed, more mature, more committed and more relevant. And I don’t even have to know them personally. I just have to be intentional in my pursuit of growth.

But one warning: you must be careful who you let mentor you – I try to know as much as I can about the authors and check out their ‘wisdom’ against the teaching of the Bible.

"But there were also false prophets among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you. They will secretly introduce destructive heresies, even denying the sovereign Lord who bought them bringing swift destruction on themselves."
2 Peter 2:1

2 Things I learned From You

I love when I learn from clients. So many of my clients are lifetime learners, alert to growth opportunities from multiple sources. And delightfully, they often share some of those insights and snippets of knowledge with me.

In the past couple of weeks I have learned two valuable pieces of wisdom regarding relationships. 

• The woman must set the physical boundaries in a relationship, and a man must set the emotional boundaries in a relationship. 

Yes, I know that this is a generalization, but I have found that it is largely true. Men will usually press for as much physical connection as the woman will allow. It is his nature. Good men are aware that this aspect of his temperament must be controlled, but it is still very difficult for him, and a woman must lead in this area. It is a good thing that he has a strong sexual desire because it is a motivation to form relational bonds. But out of control it will create relational chaos.

For most women, containing her emotional quantity and intensity is her challenge. Her desire for relational connection and “face to face” time will often overwhelm a man when she is unrestrained. So it becomes necessary for a man to set a limit on how much intimate connection he is able to absorb without becoming emotionally flooded. When he is over his limit, the message he will give off (usually through body language) will often be interpreted as not caring or not interested in what the woman is saying. It isn’t usually true, it’s just that he is emotionally saturated and shutting down.  

The second thing I have learned this week also concerns relationships. 

• When a man feels disrespected he will often stop fighting FOR the relationship and start fighting AGAINST it. 

And we know that men can fight both aggressively and passively (or become passive aggressive). He will detach from the relationship by either becoming angry and pushing the partner away, or by withdrawing from intimate or significant connection. Either way he is creating emotional distance as a way to protect himself from the disrespect that he is feeling.

I am not necessarily placing the blame on the woman here. Men can do lots of things to contribute to the destruction of a relationship. They can certainly make it difficult for a woman to respect him. The point here is that if a woman desires for a man to fight for relational restoration and closeness between them, then her best strategy is to show respect even if she is not feeling it at the moment. As Emerson Eggerichs asks in “Love and Respect”, do you believe that he is, at his core, a good-willed man? If so, then he is worthy of your respect. 

Both of these insights came from women who wanted me to understand the power that women can have in relationships when they understand the different natures of men and women. I really do appreciate the vulnerability that this kind of sharing requires and I cherish it. 

Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes

There is some recent solid research that points to the effectiveness of non-counseling, non-medication interventions in improving the overall mental, physical and spiritual well-being of our lives. These are called “Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes” (TLC's) Some will be very familiar to you, but perhaps what may not be as well known is the degree of effectiveness that these lifestyle changes can yield.

1. Exercise

This alone has a significant effect on mild to moderate depression. It is an anti-aging strategy both physically and mentally. We all know this – and it takes discipline.

2. Nutrition and Diet

We can significantly improve our feelings of self-worth when we eat right. We are less likely to be fatigued, we look better, and we will not be contributing to diseases that result from ignoring healthy eating habits.

    3.  Spending Time In Nature

All of the great Christian fathers (Jesus included) spent significant time in natural surroundings, away from people and noise. We have become a society of constant input – resulting in informational and auditory overload. We need to leave cell phones, computers, iPods, and the like at home and venture out where we can hear the voice of God.

4. Relationships

Isolation can cause significant impairment to our perception of well-being as well as a real threat to our physical health. To quote one source: “the health risk of social isolation is comparable to the risks of smoking, high blood pressure and obesity.... [while] participation in group life can be like an inoculation against threats to mental and physical health” (Jetten et al., 2009). Good friends are a necessary component of good mental health.

5. Recreation and Enjoyable Activities

We need to leave work behind for awhile and concentrate on having fun, whatever that might mean to you. It means developing a sense of playfulness and laughter where we can get away from the pressures of life. This directly relates to the following TLC.

6. Relaxation and Stress Management

Anxiety rules so many of us these days and developing good stress-reducing habits are essential. Time spent in meditation and prayer, practicing good self-talk, listening to soothing or uplifting music can bring down our blood pressure and heart rate.

7. Religious and Spiritual Involvement

Weekly participation in a church community has been proven to increase life expectancy by an average of seven years. Studies have shown that “religious or spiritual involvement is most likely to be beneficial when it centers on themes such as love and forgiveness and is likely to be less helpful or even harmful to mental health when themes of punishment and guilt predominate.” Isn't it great to be in a community where grace abounds!

8. Contribution and Service

Many studies have shown that a giver benefits even more than the receiver, when it comes to volunteerism. Whether we call it benign self-interest or not, it is a TLC that will produce increased levels of physical and mental health. Even adolescents that have been compelled to serve show marked improvement in attitude and a sense of self-value.

I know I have barely scratched the surface of all the implications attached to the above eight categories. It seems to me that the time spent in counseling would be greatly reduced if many or all of these TLC's could be implemented in clients' lives. It also occurs to me that God's kingdom would be enhanced by at least two of these areas. Any thoughts?