Kind Friendliness – Does It Need Some Work?

 Recently we have been experiencing a lot of kind friendliness. This is a term Nan uses when I am grumpy. She will say “I need your kind friendliness.” I know what she means. My grumpiness tends to translate into a more critical or negative behavior.

We have been dealing with quite a few new people as we set up a vacation cabin. What we have experienced is a lot of genuinely nice people. What makes them that way? Is it just good customer service training? I don’t think so. I believe it goes deeper than that.

The attitude might be a result of living in a less densely populated area. Or perhaps it might be the result of being in a community where people need to rely on each other much more because of fewer options. We have experienced this kind of attitude in rural Hawaii also. The people take time with each other. They are not in a hurry to move on. As our pastor Mark would say, there is not the mindset of “chop, chop, get it done!” In Hawaii they pause to “talk story.”

I experience this “kind friendliness” at church all the time. I believe it is because we genuinely like our church community and we have intentionally cultivated this attitude towards each other. I am not sure we have slowed down to the extent we have been enjoying in the cabin location, but it seems a marked contrast to the busy Los Angeles culture.

I wonder how many relationships lack kind friendliness? Yes, I mean romantic relationships, but also other kinds as well. Sometimes I treat strangers better than I do family members. I smile more and am more patient with them. I might respond that I am more “real” with people that are closer to me, but does that mean that I should treat them with less kindness or respect?

It is true that close relationships require us to develop more resiliency. The more intimate the relationship, the more necessary it will be to give and receive forgiveness readily, particularly for small offenses. But I want to draw as little on the goodwill that exists as I am able.

Things I can do to promote kind friendliness:

• Ask for what I want, not what I don’t want or like.
• Watch my tone. Do I sound harsh, critical or cold?
• Use the “sandwich” technique: affirmation – request – affirmation.
• Smile, make eye contact while communicating, assume positive intent from the other person.   

Silly Boys, Dates are for Men!

What Kind Of Dependent Are You?

Are Emotions Driving Your Decisions?

It Matters Who Influences You

Throughout my late teens and twenties and into my early thirties I hung around a lot of pretty accomplished musicians. We were committed to playing music and pursuing “feel good” experiences. We were serious about the music, career and friendship, but lacked life direction and had rather short term plans and goals. Along with the positive focus were also destructive behaviors with potentially disastrous consequences.

Then when my forties were in full swing I started meeting with a group of about a dozen guys on a weekly basis (mostly) that lasted about twenty years. This group was composed of men from both our church and others. The common theme was unity in our purpose to grow and mature spiritually.

The contrast between the two sets of groups is stark. You might dismiss my earlier group’s lack of focus as simply typical of our youthful age, but that would not be entirely accurate. My latter group had guys of a variety of ages over the years, and some were quite young. The difference was the guiding values that motivated each group.

These days as I counsel I often ask myself “Who is influencing this person?” Sometimes I ask the question to a person outright, and sometimes I just ask the question in my heart. The answer to this question will have a lot to do with the direction the sessions will take. Are the influencers fueling anger, bitterness, and resentment, or are they encouraging and giving support for godly values?

My earlier group of friends would have given me advice like:

    “You don’t have to put up with that.”

    “There’s plenty of fish in the sea”

    “Go for it. You won’t get caught.”

My latter group would say:

    “Have you owned your part?”

    “Have you gone to the mat and done everything you can do?”

    “Don’t give up. You’re the right man for the job.”

    “You’re following your feelings, not God.”

Sometimes we have to cut ties or at least censor the content of our conversations with those that are pressing us to adopt ideas that are in conflict with our beliefs and values. It’s really hard to resist asking for their advice when you know they will offer support that moves us away from our places of pain. But pain has a nasty habit of finding us by a different route when we try to avoid it. Perhaps you can relate?

What Kind Of Justice Do You Seek?

For quite a while I have been wrestling with the concepts of fairness and justice. It has certainly been kicked around for hundreds and thousands of years in so many contexts. And for Nan and me it gets talked about a lot in counseling with couples, particularly.

Who is the judge?

If you have ever been around a divorcing couple trying to work out child custody issues, you will likely be torn between both sides of the requests. Each can make really good points why they should have primary custody. They both may have really good arguments about time distribution and money allocation. That is why a judge is required. But what does the judge offer? An opinion.

Issues of fairness are often the result of an opinion. But opinions by definition are not facts, even when they are based on facts. And opinions are biased, even when the judge is doing the best that he/she can do to be neutral. Why? We are human, flawed, and our opinions are formed by our experience and our feelings.

I must say that I often set myself up to be the judge of fairness, as if I have all the facts, all the necessary criteria to make a definitive pronouncement. I remember one time pointing out to friend of mine that he was wearing two different colored socks and that they didn’t match. He assured me that they did match because they were the same thickness. I made a judgment based on my criterion, but he was using a different set of criteria. Who was right?

Why is this important?

When I speak to the issues of fairness and justice I must be careful that I am not assuming the position of absolute moral authority which belongs to God alone. I may be operating out of a blind spot that is damaging to my relationships. My position of certainty may betray my lack of humility and my ability to empathize with others. In the past Nan used to say to me; “Dave, you are too convinced of your own opinion!” Unfortunately, she was right. Of course she wasn’t only speaking of this issue, but of a general blind spot resulting from narcissistic tendencies.

Is it fair or just the way I sometimes treat Nan? Is it fair or just the way she sometimes reacts to me? Would it be fair for her to label me based on her educational training? Would it be fair if I resisted the label? I’m sure that you might have an opinion – but is fair to hold it?

Be careful around these issues. Yes, some things are evil and totally unacceptable and there would be little or no disagreement among civilized people. But with few exceptions, most of what we encounter on a daily basis do not fall into these categories.

Psalm 9:8 (NLT)  He (God) will judge the world with justice and rule the nations with fairness.

Accepting Your (Last) Best Chance

 In the mid eighties through mid nineties I witnessed a number of divorces among some close friends. At the time I was an untrained observer and thought “That’s just what happens sometimes.” As I look back, I can now recognize where it could have been different for them.

Sure, there were some pretty bad situations, but I can also identify some missed opportunities as well. In two cases, well-planned interventions might have made a life changing difference. In another, stubborn pride took away his spouse’s hope of a satisfying marriage. He was offered repeated chances to work on the marriage, but refused. Tragically, there were children involved in all three cases. At one point, Nan and I might have been a statistic. But I was offered a last chance and I took it.

What was that chance? It was to go into counseling to work out our issues.

I can remember my thoughts at the time. “Nan thinks I’m broken (I was) and need to be fixed.” The truth was that we were both in need of an overhaul. “What if I change and she doesn’t?” That rarely happens with couples counseling. “Will our feelings towards each other change enough to make this a satisfying relationship?” They did.

I could have said “no” to Nan’s counselor the day he called me to come join them for a session. I would have missed my chance, not just for a healed relationship, but for so many other things as a byproduct.

What might hold someone back from accepting their last best chance?

As I said earlier, pride is a big one. So is fear. Shall we throw in some apathy and ambivalence and perhaps a dash of defeat? All these might lead to a reluctance to take a step in an uncertain but hopeful direction.

It’s not just relevant in relationships, either. How about a chance to make some adjustments to keep a job that is in jeopardy because of your behavior? Or maybe it’s a one-time offer to leave a stable, but dead end job for a better one, but you have to step up to a new level of maturity or responsibility.

I also want to include deathbed salvation in this list. It’s a shame to miss a life of serving God and others and experiencing the peace and contentment that comes with the assurance of heaven. But it’s much worse to miss an eternity with God because you pass up your last best chance.

Just something to think about.

Just Positive Comments On Relationships

As this is a vacation week, I am going to make sure that my post is about what goes right in a relationship rather than what can go wrong. Although both must be considered at times, I want my mind and spirit directed towards the positive.

As I get older and wiser, I am becoming more aware of wanting to make Nan happy, not just be willing to compromise my selfish desires. It’s a different motivation. I have heard that codependents actually operate from a selfish place, wanting to make others happy so that they can feel happy, or at least free of stress. That’s not the same thing as wanting to truly see another filled with joy.

I am hoping that this has not been a struggle for you. I know that for some it is not. Or perhaps this was easier when the relationship first began, but things have changed. I do know this: as a couple when you have the other person’s happiness as your goal, when both of you try to out love your mate, it is likely you both will also feel personally joyful.

What this requires, of course, is being a student of your partner. It requires studying them and really knowing the things that make them happy. What are on their list of favorites? I am not just talking about material things, but experiences and interests and colors and entertainment choices, etc. What does he like to read (does he like to read)? What is her love language?  

Nan loves to stare at water – any water: beach, lake, stream, river. If I want to make her happy on vacation, it will include some kind of water. She knows for me that a vacation must include an opportunity for solitude. A high-rise hotel just won’t make it for me. Shopping is not important for either one of us (except food), but don’t deprive us of good coffee. We know this about each other and try to plan accordingly.

When a couple is able to dream together, it creates intimacy. Can you dream with your partner and feel understood? It may be that your dreams are not always aligned, but can you lend energy to your partner’s vision even if you cannot support it? When Nan and I dream together there is a point where we become divergent, but we try to stay with the parts where we can agree.

Have you ever asked your partner what makes them happy? Have they ever asked you? I know some of you out their want your partner to “just know”. But it is a fair question, especially if you really want to be known. Don’t get mad or be frustrated by that question. It may not seem that romantic, but neither is having a mate that misses the mark all the time. This is an important aspect of good communication.  

One last comment about vacation. I know at least several couples that get along so well on vacation, but struggle at home. Whatever you tend to do on vacation that makes the difference needs to be figured out. And then do your best to make the necessary changes. It might just be as simple as carving out a few minutes each day to talk to each other.  

Back Off! I’m Just Trying to Survive

This month I am going to turn sixty-six years old. You have no idea how strange that sounds to my ears. It’s like someone looked at me and said “Hey Dave, you just turned into a wheelbarrow.” What!

But something even stranger occurred to me this last week as I drove up to our staff  retreat in the mountains. I was struck with the realization that I have been living my life in survival mode. Another way of saying that might be “living with a hyper-vigilant perspective”.  Maybe you can relate as well.

This is common for people who experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but how about the rest of us who have not gone through war or extreme circumstances? I have been around people who have experienced these things, but I haven’t personally. Or have I? Nan has always maintained that anxious or critical parents produce anxious children and particularly self-critical children. Does this atmosphere produce trauma-like symptoms as well?

I am not especially concerned about personal safety issues on a daily basis – I am a pretty trusting person. I also don’t tend to get angry unless pushed pretty hard. So where does it affect me?

• I am always looking ahead to any commitment that I must fulfill, not with joy, but with anxiety and concern. And mind you, I love my family, friends, church and co-workers. This makes life harder for Nan since she has to live my anxiety with me. 

• Every purchase feels more like a loss than a gain. Therefore there is no real fun in shopping. I operate with an attitude of scarcity rather than abundance and that is just soul-killing. It makes generosity all the more difficult. 

• Being “in the moment” is difficult because I have the feeling that I must be alert to changes in the environment. Satisfaction comes after something is finished, not while it is happening. 

• Decisions become difficult because every one seems pregnant with “what if” scenarios that could end up badly or with loss. Risks seem unreasonable or even unimaginable and opportunities have been lost that could have turned out really positive.    

I think what is really difficult for me is that many people can’t understand and empathize with this perspective very well, but are more likely to criticize and challenge these fears in a negative manner. I am afraid I might even have done that with clients and that makes me sad.

But I also had another epiphany that day. “God is in control”. I know that sounds like a really “Christianese” kind of an answer, and it is. But it doesn’t make it any less true. That doesn’t mean that everything is going to turn out the way I wish it would. What it does do for me is to remind me to surrender the things I can’t control, but know that doesn’t mean they are unnoticed. I am His beloved. I am forgiven. I am precious. That means that I can rest in the moment.

Are you like me? Or at least similar in some other way? Or are you one of those leaders that has no clue what I am talking about and has never experienced the kind of fear I am describing? Be gentle with those who suffer differently than you do. Your turn will come, but probably in another way.

All of you therapists who are reading my post are probably having a ball diagnosing me. Have at it – that’s what we do sometimes!

Taking Shortcuts

Are you tempted to take shortcuts like I am?

When I was first married, Nan and I took a driving vacation around California with a side trip to Reno, Nevada. My daily driver was almost identical to the vehicle above – a camper-converted 1960 Ford Vanette. Our subculture was in full swing and this was a very cool ride at the time. However, it was designed for city deliveries, not open road travel. Hence, it was pretty under-powered with a straight six and three on the tree (ask your parents if you need to).

I thought it would be a great idea to take a shortcut across the Sierra Nevada mountains and save some time. Umm, wrong. The climb was steep and we only barely made it on one leg of the road – I think Nan had to get out and push. It may have been a dirt road – I can’t remember. We didn’t see another vehicle the whole time. Anyway, not a way to impress my new bride.

I get in trouble with other shortcuts as well. I try to simplify complicated instructions – I mean, are all those steps REALLY necessary for success? I don’t need ALL the ingredients for a particular recipe, do I? Do I need to wait that long before a second coat of paint? And that primer coat was just a suggestion, right? Maybe you can relate.

We can take relational shortcuts too. After a break in trust there are certain things that need to be done for restoration. It might mean giving your spouse complete access to everything including all your emails, your cell phone, all your social media – everything. Are you willing to surrender your right to privacy? Are you ready to make restitution for any wrong you did? Or do you just want to act like nothing happened? That’s a shortcut.

Some other shortcuts:

• Avoiding premarital preparation
• Having sex before marriage
• Buying things on credit rather than saving for them
• Expecting people to do things for you that you can do for yourself
• Taking action before thinking through a problem
• Engaging in risky weight loss schemes rather than having a long term plan
• Cheating on tests, or copying other people’s answers
• Engaging in illegal pursuits for personal or monetary gains

To drive this point home, today I installed a garbage disposer. It looked pretty much like the one I was replacing. It fit well so I hooked up the plumbing and electrical and everything looked great and it spun around like a champ. I fired up the dishwasher that had been waiting with dishes for a couple of days, but it didn’t drain. Looking at step 15 and 16 on the installation guide (which I ignored), it said:

IMPORTANT “When installing dishwasher drain, knock out plastic plug prior to installing drain hose. 

Enough said.

Don't Make Me Go To Counseling

 We are fortunate not to have to work with people mandated by the court system to be in counseling. The closest we ever get is evaluating a couple for an adoption or foster care agency. But there is a significant difference. The couple is there because they have a positive goal in mind, even though they may not love the process.

The same might be said of other kinds of counseling clients. I must say that when I entered counseling with Nan my resistance was high. I did not freely choose the counseling at the time, but was “coerced” by her counselor. Outwardly I was compliant, but inwardly I was pretty defended. I have real empathy for people who feel like I did back then. It can be stressful not knowing what to expect or what might be required of you. I like to remind clients that they always have a choice whether to continue.

Now that I counsel, I have a lot of compassion for counselors as well. Working with resistant clients is challenging because even though you envision a positive outcome for them, they may not see it. It’s a lot like presenting the Christian faith. You’ve experienced all the gains, but the other person might only see losses.

The longer I counsel, and the shorter my remaining time to work professionally with people, the more inclined I am to only work with those who actually want to grow and change. Except for grief counseling, which is different, I am less interested in just hearing people complain, with no intention of taking positive action. I think that when venting feelings is the goal, it might be best accomplished with a safe prayer partner who can empathize and encourage. Sometimes we need that until we are ready to take action steps. But the work of counseling is transformation, whether of self or relationship or family or work.

Successful clients understand this. We have found a few things that seem to be common to these clients.

• They do the homework
• They read books relevant to their journey
• They are persistent and hungry for growth
• They listen
• They take constructive criticism seriously

So does this mean that I am not open to hearing complaints? Of course not. Processing pain and discouragement and frustration and fear with people is a staple of counseling. It is a necessary part of counseling in order to move beyond those things. It is when the only purpose is to vent or hold someone else’s change as the goal that I want to refer a client on to someone else who might work better with them.

Does this sound heartless? I hope not. My deep desire is that people get better, live more satisfying lives, feel safe, receive love and love well in return.   

Negativity – A Relationship Destroyer

Tuning Out the Interference

I’m Not Happy

8 Changes I’ve Made as a Church Counselor

You Can't Hurry Love

Another Relational Red Flag

Recording Contracts and Disappointments

Meaningful Touch – Is It Safe?

The Apprentice

Between A Rock and a Hard Place

For The Love of God

Put The Glass Down

Whole Brain on the Couch

4 Styles of Attachment

BEING RESTORED

Setting SMART Goals

Since this is near the beginning of a new year I thought I would share an acronym we learned in a staff meeting recently. It is an easy way to remember effective goal setting.

S.M.A.R.T – and we all want to be considered smart.

According to our pastor Tom, when it comes to a goal you are wanting to achieve is it:

• Strategic -- (Does this goal clearly connect with what God has assigned me to do?)

• Measurable -- (Does this goal have a number attached to it?)

• Actionable -- (Does this goal have a clear action I must take?)

• Realistic -- (Is this goal grounded in reality?)

• Timed -- (Does this goal have a clear deadline?) 

Which one of these points is hardest for you?

I don’t know about you, but the hardest step for me is the last. Even the thought of having to set a hard deadline on a goal gives me a measure of anxiety. I can become a master of excuses in order to avoid having to exercise the required amount of self-discipline to meet the target date. I was painfully aware of this as I walked around the outside of our house with a contractor this morning. I had set a date to have some work done to our house by the end of last year. But here it is January and I am just getting started. And the truth is, I can come up with no good excuse.

If my goal is good (and in my case it is) I remind myself that giving up is not an option. Healthy self-reflection and a measure of grace helps me to process and reset my missed deadline. Instead of shaming myself, I encourage myself to positive action.

Is being realistic hard for you? Do you tend to overestimate your capabilities or resources? Unrealistic goals produce frustration and discouragement. You can begin to doubt yourself and others may lose trust for you as well if you are frequently falling short. It is usually smart to under-promise and over-deliver.

It’s easy to imagine this concept being applied to career or work goals, but how about to relational goals? Is there a growth goal that you have been thinking about that would produce a closer or healthier relationship? Or have you developed bad habits with people that you would want, or need to change? Can you articulate a relationship goal that encompasses this whole concept in one or two sentences?

For example: “Since God wants me to be patient and kind (strategic), I will completely eliminate my angry outbursts (measurable) by physically withdrawing from conflicts (actionable) so that my family can look forward to a peaceful vacation this summer (realistic and timed).”

Why don’t you give it a try in some area of your life and see what you can come up with. 

Finding Your Voice

In counseling, the concept of “finding your voice” may come up as a topic or issue. Usually it is because someone has had a hard time speaking up when appropriate, or has been silenced because of various reasons. It can be a pretty sensitive area when the person has been a victim of physical, emotional or sexual abuse.

Especially in marriage it is good to have an equal voice and shared power (along with equal responsibility) and we encourage people to ask for what they need. If we continually sublimate our desires to someone else’s we will eventually build up toxic resentment and bitterness. Trying to keep the peace by not speaking up in a relationship is very risky. It is with both our words and actions that we set appropriate emotional and physical safety boundaries that declare “This is my property, stay off!”. Sometimes, however, when a person is learning to exercise their power in this new way they may overcompensate and create new problems.

                IMMATURE                     MATURE                                       IMMATURE

--------------Reactive-------------    -------------------     ------------------Reactive------------------      

Passive Victim                                  Assertive           Aggressive          Rageful Victimizer

            |                      |                             |                          |             |                  |     

                     Passive Aggressive                                         Angry Aggressive

As you can see on the above chart, the range of response is a continuum from very passive to very aggressive. I would suggest that the goal is right in the middle, communicating in a firm, but kind manner. That is assertiveness. From a spiritual perspective, we call this “speaking the truth in love”. It respects both us and them and creates an environment where closeness is possible. Both withdrawal and aggression creates distance within a relationship, but kind honesty is fertile soil for something positive to grow.

When a person has been a victim of something serious, regulating their emotions and behavior and finding a balance may be very challenging. Not wanting to risk becoming a victim again, they might overestimate what is required to remain safe (overpowering).  This is when having a counselor or mentor to give feedback can be very helpful.

From a spiritual perspective, the Bible seems to have many more cautionary verses about anger and aggression. It is an area that is more likely to get away from us once we enter the territory. I also think we have a higher risk of practicing self-deception as we try to justify our over-reactive or sinful behavior in retrospect. On the other hand, measured responses have the potential to promote understanding and intimacy. Find your voice, but find the balance.

Proverbs 16:24(NLT)

Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.

James 1:19-20(ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God