This is our blog on our perspectives on counseling and life.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Monday, November 7, 2016
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Sunday, September 25, 2016
It Matters Who Influences You
Throughout my late teens and twenties and into my early thirties I hung around a lot of pretty accomplished musicians. We were committed to playing music and pursuing “feel good” experiences. We were serious about the music, career and friendship, but lacked life direction and had rather short term plans and goals. Along with the positive focus were also destructive behaviors with potentially disastrous consequences.
Then when my forties were in full swing I started meeting with a group of about a dozen guys on a weekly basis (mostly) that lasted about twenty years. This group was composed of men from both our church and others. The common theme was unity in our purpose to grow and mature spiritually.
The contrast between the two sets of groups is stark. You might dismiss my earlier group’s lack of focus as simply typical of our youthful age, but that would not be entirely accurate. My latter group had guys of a variety of ages over the years, and some were quite young. The difference was the guiding values that motivated each group.
These days as I counsel I often ask myself “Who is influencing this person?” Sometimes I ask the question to a person outright, and sometimes I just ask the question in my heart. The answer to this question will have a lot to do with the direction the sessions will take. Are the influencers fueling anger, bitterness, and resentment, or are they encouraging and giving support for godly values?
My earlier group of friends would have given me advice like:
“You don’t have to put up with that.”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea”
“Go for it. You won’t get caught.”
My latter group would say:
“Have you owned your part?”
“Have you gone to the mat and done everything you can do?”
“Don’t give up. You’re the right man for the job.”
“You’re following your feelings, not God.”
Sometimes we have to cut ties or at least censor the content of our conversations with those that are pressing us to adopt ideas that are in conflict with our beliefs and values. It’s really hard to resist asking for their advice when you know they will offer support that moves us away from our places of pain. But pain has a nasty habit of finding us by a different route when we try to avoid it. Perhaps you can relate?
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Just Positive Comments On Relationships
As this is a vacation week, I am going to make sure that my
post is about what goes right in a relationship rather than what can go wrong.
Although both must be considered at times, I want my mind and spirit directed
towards the positive.
As I get older and wiser, I am becoming more aware of wanting
to make Nan happy, not just be willing to
compromise my selfish desires. It’s a different motivation. I have heard that
codependents actually operate from a selfish place, wanting to make others
happy so that they can feel happy, or at least free of stress. That’s not the
same thing as wanting to truly see another filled with joy.
I am hoping that this has not been a struggle for you. I
know that for some it is not. Or perhaps this was easier when the relationship
first began, but things have changed. I do know this: as a couple when you have
the other person’s happiness as your goal, when both of you try to out love your
mate, it is likely you both will also feel personally joyful.
What this requires, of course, is being a student of your
partner. It requires studying them and really knowing the things that make them
happy. What are on their list of favorites? I am not just talking about
material things, but experiences and interests and colors and entertainment
choices, etc. What does he like to read (does he like to read)? What is her
love language?
When a couple is able to dream together, it creates
intimacy. Can you dream with your partner and feel understood? It may be that
your dreams are not always aligned, but can you lend energy to your partner’s
vision even if you cannot support it? When Nan
and I dream together there is a point where we become divergent, but we try to
stay with the parts where we can agree.
Have you ever asked your partner what makes them happy? Have
they ever asked you? I know some of you out their want your partner to “just
know”. But it is a fair question, especially if you really want to be known. Don’t
get mad or be frustrated by that question. It may not seem that romantic, but
neither is having a mate that misses the mark all the time. This is an
important aspect of good communication.
One last comment about vacation. I know at least several
couples that get along so well on vacation, but struggle at home. Whatever you
tend to do on vacation that makes the difference needs to be figured out. And
then do your best to make the necessary changes. It might just be as simple as carving
out a few minutes each day to talk to each other.
Monday, August 22, 2016
Back Off! I’m Just Trying to Survive
This month I am going to turn sixty-six years old. You have
no idea how strange that sounds to my ears. It’s like someone looked at me and
said “Hey Dave, you just turned into a wheelbarrow.” What!
But something even stranger occurred to me this last week as
I drove up to our staff retreat in the
mountains. I was struck with the realization that I have been living my life in
survival mode. Another way of saying that might be “living with a
hyper-vigilant perspective”. Maybe you
can relate as well.
This is common for people who experience Post Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD), but how about the rest of us who have not gone through
war or extreme circumstances? I have been around people who have experienced
these things, but I haven’t personally. Or have I? Nan
has always maintained that anxious or critical parents produce anxious children
and particularly self-critical children. Does this atmosphere produce
trauma-like symptoms as well?
I am not especially concerned about personal safety issues
on a daily basis – I am a pretty trusting person. I also don’t tend to get
angry unless pushed pretty hard. So where does
it affect me?
- I am
always looking ahead to any commitment that I must fulfill, not with joy,
but with anxiety and concern. And mind you, I love my family, friends,
church and co-workers. This makes life harder for
- Every purchase feels more like a loss than a gain. Therefore there is no real fun in shopping. I operate with an attitude of scarcity rather than abundance and that is just soul-killing. It makes generosity all the more difficult.
- Being “in the moment” is difficult because I have the feeling that I must be alert to changes in the environment. Satisfaction comes after something is finished, not while it is happening.
- Decisions become difficult because every one seems pregnant with “what if” scenarios that could end up badly or with loss. Risks seem unreasonable or even unimaginable and opportunities have been lost that could have turned out really positive.
I think what is really difficult for me is that many people
can’t understand and empathize with this perspective very well, but are more
likely to criticize and challenge these fears in a negative manner. I am afraid
I might even have done that with clients and that makes me sad.
But I also had another epiphany that day. “God is in
control”. I know that sounds like a really “Christianese” kind of an answer,
and it is. But it doesn’t make it any less true. That doesn’t mean that
everything is going to turn out the way I wish it would. What it does do for me
is to remind me to surrender the things I can’t control, but know that doesn’t
mean they are unnoticed. I am His beloved. I am forgiven. I am precious. That
means that I can rest in the moment.
Are you like me? Or at least similar in some other way? Or are
you one of those leaders that has no clue what I am talking about and has never
experienced the kind of fear I am describing? Be gentle with those who suffer
differently than you do. Your turn will come, but probably in another way.
All of you therapists who are reading my post are probably
having a ball diagnosing me. Have at it – that’s what we do sometimes!
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Sunday, July 17, 2016
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Sunday, May 8, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
Saturday, April 2, 2016
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Setting SMART Goals
Since this is near the beginning of a new year I thought I
would share an acronym we learned in a staff meeting recently. It is an easy
way to remember effective goal setting.
S.M.A.R.T – and
we all want to be considered smart.
According to our pastor Tom, when it comes to a goal you are
wanting to achieve is it:
- Strategic -- (Does this goal clearly connect with what God has assigned me to do?)
- Measurable -- (Does this goal have a number attached to it?)
- Actionable -- (Does this goal have a clear action I must take?)
- Realistic -- (Is this goal grounded in reality?)
- Timed -- (Does this goal have a clear deadline?)
Which one of these points is hardest for you?
I don’t know about you, but the hardest step for me is the
last. Even the thought of having to set a hard deadline on a goal gives me a
measure of anxiety. I can become a master of excuses in order to avoid having
to exercise the required amount of self-discipline to meet the target date. I
was painfully aware of this as I walked around the outside of our house with a
contractor this morning. I had set a date to have some work done to our house
by the end of last year. But here it is January and I am just getting started.
And the truth is, I can come up with no good excuse.
If my goal is good (and in my case it is) I remind myself
that giving up is not an option. Healthy self-reflection and a measure of grace
helps me to process and reset my missed deadline. Instead of shaming myself, I
encourage myself to positive action.
Is being realistic hard for you? Do you tend to overestimate
your capabilities or resources? Unrealistic goals produce frustration and
discouragement. You can begin to doubt yourself and others may lose trust for
you as well if you are frequently falling short. It is usually smart to
under-promise and over-deliver.
It’s easy to imagine this concept being applied to career or
work goals, but how about to relational goals? Is there a growth goal that you
have been thinking about that would produce a closer or healthier relationship?
Or have you developed bad habits with people that you would want, or need to
change? Can you articulate a relationship goal that encompasses this whole
concept in one or two sentences?
For example: “Since
God wants me to be patient and kind (strategic), I will completely eliminate my
angry outbursts (measurable) by physically withdrawing from conflicts
(actionable) so that my family can look forward to a peaceful vacation this
summer (realistic and timed).”
Saturday, January 2, 2016
Finding Your Voice
In counseling, the concept of “finding your voice” may come
up as a topic or issue. Usually it is because someone has had a hard time
speaking up when appropriate, or has been silenced because of various reasons. It
can be a pretty sensitive area when the person has been a victim of physical,
emotional or sexual abuse.
Especially in marriage it is good to have an equal voice and
shared power (along with equal responsibility) and we encourage people to ask
for what they need. If we continually sublimate our desires to someone else’s
we will eventually build up toxic resentment and bitterness. Trying to keep the
peace by not speaking up in a relationship is very risky. It is with both our
words and actions that we set appropriate emotional and physical safety boundaries
that declare “This is my property, stay off!”. Sometimes, however, when a
person is learning to exercise their power in this new way they may
overcompensate and create new problems.
IMMATURE MATURE IMMATURE
--------------Reactive------------- ------------------- ------------------Reactive------------------
Passive Victim Assertive Aggressive Rageful Victimizer
| | | | | |
Passive Aggressive Angry Aggressive
As you can see on the above chart, the range of response is
a continuum from very passive to very aggressive. I would suggest that the goal
is right in the middle, communicating in a firm, but kind manner. That is
assertiveness. From a spiritual perspective, we call this “speaking the truth
in love”. It respects both us and them and creates an environment where
closeness is possible. Both withdrawal and aggression creates distance within a
relationship, but kind honesty is fertile soil for something positive to grow.
When a person has been a victim of something serious,
regulating their emotions and behavior and finding a balance may be very
challenging. Not wanting to risk becoming a victim again, they might
overestimate what is required to remain safe (overpowering). This is when having a counselor or mentor to
give feedback can be very helpful.
From a spiritual perspective, the Bible seems to have many
more cautionary verses about anger and aggression. It is an area that is more
likely to get away from us once we enter the territory. I also think we have a
higher risk of practicing self-deception as we try to justify our over-reactive
or sinful behavior in retrospect. On the other hand, measured responses have
the potential to promote understanding and intimacy. Find your voice, but find the balance.
Proverbs 16:24(NLT)
Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy
for the body.
James 1:19-20(ESV)
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to
hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does
not produce the righteousness of God
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