Are You in a Relationship with a Mean Cat?

Somewhere around third grade I remember visiting a friend from school. He had cats; our family had dogs (and rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, fish and turtles). We loved our pets – they were a significant part of our upbringing. But I wasn’t familiar with cats, and so I was shocked when my friend’s cat turned from purring as I stroked it, to sinking its teeth in me. I’m not talking about a friendly nip, but an aggressive chomp. But as surprised and upset as I was, retaliation was not an option that I considered. 

I bring this up because kindness to animals is a good indicator of character. 

There are psychological disorders where cruelty to animals can be a symptom – Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is one and so is Antisocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy). This disregard for animals may eventually translate into abuse (emotional or physical) towards you or those you love. People with these disorders lack empathy. They are not able to identify with the pain of others and so may inflict it carelessly or even with delight! This might be something that can be overlooked or ignored when evaluating a relationship. I’m not implying that you should be looking for and diagnosing a disorder, but rather being aware of unusual behavior. 

I also have concerns about people who hold the value of an animal above or at the same level as people. I believe somewhere along the way they have picked up hurts that have not been resolved. Although God has given life to both humans and animals, He has given a special position to those who have been made in His image. 

A person can be a mean cat, too.

I have always maintained that another good predictor of character is the way a person treats people who serve them, whether a wait person in a restaurant, an employee or a public servant. I watch people in positions of power to see how they care for people. Does the person you are in a relationship with have a natural demeanor of humility or do they seem to think of themselves as better than others? It’s possible that they may see you as inferior in time, and will treat you accordingly. 

We can be confused by what we may view as “high standards” in a person, when in reality it is really a critical spirit or an arrogant attitude. Good character displays good values, and good values include kindness and acceptance of others. Harshness is the result of a cold and unforgiving heart. 

I have friends that naturally seek out those who might normally be disregarded by others, and treat them as equals. I really admire that quality in them. I believe they experience life and love at a deeper level. Their hearts are tuned to a different frequency than most people. You might say they are tuned to a “God frequency”. They take the gift of compassion to a whole new level. 

I think this is a good verse to use for these kinds of evaluations: 

Romans 12:3 - For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

When the New Year is Not Happy

I love the excitement that people generally have as a new year approaches. It’s as if all the bad stuff is left behind and only the hopeful is ahead. I have spent many a New Year’s Day feeling this way. There had been a new musical instrument or accessory under the Christmas tree waiting to be mastered or vacation plans in the works for the coming year. But for some the new year doesn’t seem so delightful.

What if the phrase “Happy New Year” doesn’t ring true for you?

• You were hoping for an engagement ring, but it didn’t happen. 

• It feels like the best years are behind you.     

• It’s another year where you are disappointed with your job or can’t find work. 

• You were hoping that family relationships would have been mended for this holiday season, but it just got worse. 

• It looks like another year ahead feeling alone, overwhelmed and broke. 

• Your cancer treatments are ahead of you, not behind.

I don’t have something to propose that will solve all these problems – but you already knew that. You have probably been told repeatedly that life isn’t fair and (unhelpfully) told to just get over it.

What I do have to offer is this: 

Life is always better when you do it with others, in community.

When you are sad or discouraged, connecting with others might be the last thing you want to do. But I assure you, it is the best strategy. There are just some circumstances that are more than you can handle – they are just too heavy. But God has advised us not to try to bear them alone. Galations 6:2 says: "Share each other's burdens, and in this way obey the law of Christ." When you tell others your story, an exchange takes place that cannot be measured, but it can be felt.

Even in the worst of times we can also work on our gratitude list. There are always things we can be thankful for. It is a very individual list – I can show you mine, but yours will be different. For those of us who are in Christ, there is a life ahead without suffering, and for all, a life today where we are deeply loved by Him, even when we don’t feel it.

The other thing we can do is to dream. Dreams cost nothing and they travel everywhere. They can be big or small, but they say “I am not finished with life.” 

"When you cease to dream you cease to live."  Malcolm Forbes 

6 Signs That You Are Ready For Marriage

 

After having taught 50 premarried classes, and counseled umpteen couples, Nan and I have learned a few things about relationships and what makes them work. We could add a lot more to this list of course, but these ones came to mind quickly.

1. You are a great listener

Listening intently communicates that you are interested in what the person is saying, that you are attuned to them. What they are talking about may not seem as important to you, but they are important to you, so you give them your full attention.

2. You have learned how to share.

We all learned the importance of sharing in kindergarten. As adults we may have to learn it all over again. What do we need to share in a marriage? Our time, our resources, our more vulnerable self. Sharing builds unity, the “us-ness” in a relationship.

3. You are good at regulating your emotions.

Managing emotions well is a sign of maturity. When we are able to express our feelings without over or under reacting we will create the environment where conflicts have the potential to be resolved well. This may not have been modeled in our families as we grew up and may take some re-learning how to effectively manage our emotional triggers.

4. You have learned how to forgive.

In a relationship there will always be times when we mess up. The ability to forgive one another is essential to maintaining connection. We also need to appropriately forgive ourselves. Unforgiveness keeps us stuck with grudges and resentments and relational brokenness and usually grows with time. Forgiveness is not ignoring hurts, but entering into a process where the wounds can be resolved.

5. You have reasonable expectations for yourself and your partner.

Reasonable expectations allow for growth and harmony in a relationship. Unexpressed and unreasonably high expectations of each other lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts. Expectations need to be expressed, negotiated and agreed upon. This can prevent either partner from having to “walk on eggshells”.

6. You DON’T have unprocessed trauma, significant debt, or unaddressed addictions.

Any one of these things are potential disasters waiting in the wings. It would be naive to think that they will not be a problem sometime in the relationship. These things can be a source of shame, and therefore the tendency might be to keep them hidden in hopes they will sort themselves out over time. But often they just become a bigger obstacle. It takes courage to face them, but what a relief it is to be free of the hold they can have.

We know it takes determination and courage to grow in all of these areas. You may need to delay moving forward in a relationship until there is significant change in you or your partner. But we can attest to the benefit of dealing with issues before you say “I do”.