Kindness

Note: This is a repost from January 2013

Being down with a terrible, nasty cold (dramatic, aren’t I) for a couple of weeks gave me an opportunity to reflect and feel gratitude. Gratitude? Yes, gratitude.

I realized what a gift health is. And what a gift a caring person is.

Normally I have no trouble engaging my imagination and doing some world-class dreaming and planning. But the cold made this feel more like a chore than a delight.

Sleep. All I wanted to do was sleep, but it was hard to get enough. Although I spent lots of time on my back, the deep rest never came. I feel for people who never get enough even while they are healthy because of various reasons.

I like food with a lot of flavor. The cold took away most of it and I lost my appetite. Nan had to almost force food down me. She would often say “Feed a cold, feed a cold.” What a gift good smells, good flavors and good taste is.

Waking up with energy is a real joy. I like getting up in the morning and looking forward to the day. I missed church because I had no ability to muster up the energy and I didn’t want to infect my friends. I missed conversations and connecting and hugs and laughter and singing. I missed my friends.

So why is the title of this post “Kindness”?

I am most grateful for the kindness that Nan showed me while I was sick. It’s not easy to nurse someone back to health. Sick people can be grumpy and demanding. They aren’t good companions some of the time. Some of the things that I normally do, Nan had to do. But she did them cheerfully. Nan serves me well all the time, but I was especially aware of the kindness with which she does it when I was sick.

This is often the missing element in long term relationships. There is a lack of friendliness and gentleness and playfulness. We are more likely to encounter irritation, coldness or apathy than kindness in our daily interactions. This seems to be gradual erosion that happens when we are not intentional in keeping the relationship “current”. Unprocessed hurts will build up into resentments and we will stop trying or caring to keep a warm connection.

The stresses and busyness of daily life will also numb us out and steal our joy and make cheerful exchanges feel more like a burden. Often there are not enough hours in the day to carve out sufficient (or any) “me time”, where we replenish our emotional batteries. But even random hugs and a few kind words will go a long way to maintain a friendly bond.

Proverbs 16:24 (NLT)

Kind words are like honey — sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.  

Fillers & Drainers

A while ago I sat down and wrote out a list of things that fill me up or drain me emotionally. I wrote it on a 3x5 card – fills on one side and drains on the other. I’m not sure if it was an exercise that was suggested by something I read, or just another one of those random things I do every once in a while. But I found the card in a pile of papers and looked it over again. I’ll share a bit later.

How about you? Have you ever thought about fillers and drainers?

I had been reading a book by John Ortberg about his relationship with Dallas Willard, the great philosopher-theologian. (Soul Keeping: Caring For the Most Important Part of You) I thought how timely my little list was as I thought about caring for my soul. One of the passages in the book stuck out.

“People in churches — including pastors — have been crushed with guilt over their failure at having a regular quiet time or daily devotions. And then, even when they do, they find it does not actually lead to a healthy soul. Your problem is not the first fifteen minutes of the day. It’s the next twenty-three hours and forty-five minutes. You must arrange your days so that you are experiencing total contentment, joy, and confidence in your everyday life with God.”

As I looked at my list of draining items, I realized that I couldn’t control all of them. Some just were. Some I could control a little and a couple others I could probably control more significantly. But Dallas said we should experience total contentment, etc. Puzzling, isn’t it? We can only eliminate a certain degree of negativity from our lives.

But another one of his quotes helped me to get closer.

“Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day. You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”

I noticed that this wasn’t on my lists. But I realized that it was a key concept. Hurrying through life often means missing the joy of life, the “being present” of living. But he also said a key was “arranging your days” – and that implies that you have some control. If I can arrange my days so that I add in good things and try to limit the negative aspects when possible, perhaps it will be more likely that I can be present with God throughout the day. Of course, I must first desire to be with God – and bend my thoughts in that direction.

So on to my lists.

Fillers: 

• Music
• Solitude
• Beauty – ocean, mountains, etc.
• Reading
• Counseling/Mentoring
• Teaching
• Hanging out with Nan
• Dinners out 

Drainers: 

• Family Problems
• Excessive Work
• Anxiety about Health, Aging
• Traffic
• Pessimistic or Resistant People
• Politics
• Having to Manage People
• Monotony
• Noise 

So how about you – do you have your own lists? Can you add to mine? 

Stress and Anxiety

I tend to write fairly often about the subjects of stress and anxiety. Why? Statistics show that about 1 in 5 of the adult population of the US are affected by an anxiety disorder each year. 31% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder sometime in their life. For adolescents the percentage is slightly higher at 32%. That would make it the #1 issue facing the mental health community.  

How is stress different from anxiety?

Stress is your response to a change in your environment, be it positive or negative. Anxiety is an emotion that’s characterized by a feeling of apprehension, nervousness, or fear.  Acute anxiety is temporary, like a roller coaster ride, and can be positive, whereas chronic anxiety is pervasive and long term and likely to cause very negative results.

Chronic stress is long-term stress, such as that caused by traumatic events or miserable living conditions. Untreated chronic stress can contribute to major depressive disorder, a form of intense depression that lasts for long periods and can prevent someone from living a normal life. Chronic stress also can contribute to physical illnesses, including high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

Money, work, and the economy continues to be the most cited (75%) causes of stress for Americans.

I see stress separate from distress. Whenever I visit a brand new place, particularly when it is very unfamiliar, I tend to feel stress. But I am not distressed, just excited. Distress comes when I cannot maintain a degree of control in the new environment.

Here are some truths about stress and some myth-busters.

• Stress does not cause your hair to turn grey.
• Cuddling your pet, significant other, child or listening to music lowers your stress. 
• Stress does not cause ulcers, it just makes them worse. 
• There is no link between stress and infertility. 
• According to the American Cancer Society, no definite link between stress and cancer has been found. 
• Stress can cause erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. 
• Women are twice as likely as men to be affected by generalized anxiety disorder. 
• Daily exercise greatly helps to reduce the effects of stress. 
• Anger or hostility releases stress hormones into the blood and can cause heart problems. 
• Smoking cigarettes does not reduce stress. 

Focusing on the positive (gratitude), speaking soothing words to yourself, praying and practicing deep breathing can be very helpful. The combination of medications and psychotherapy is highly effective with anxiety issues. 70-90% of people experience an improvement.  

Learn to set realistic goals for yourself at home and at work, and have good boundaries with people. If it is hard for you to say “no”, then you need to enlist some help. Prepare for change as far in advance as you can, and lower your expectations. You will likely lead a much calmer life.