Stress and Anxiety

I tend to write fairly often about the subjects of stress and anxiety. Why? Statistics show that about 1 in 5 of the adult population of the US are affected by an anxiety disorder each year. 31% of adults will experience an anxiety disorder sometime in their life. For adolescents the percentage is slightly higher at 32%. That would make it the #1 issue facing the mental health community.  

How is stress different from anxiety?

Stress is your response to a change in your environment, be it positive or negative. Anxiety is an emotion that’s characterized by a feeling of apprehension, nervousness, or fear.  Acute anxiety is temporary, like a roller coaster ride, and can be positive, whereas chronic anxiety is pervasive and long term and likely to cause very negative results.

Chronic stress is long-term stress, such as that caused by traumatic events or miserable living conditions. Untreated chronic stress can contribute to major depressive disorder, a form of intense depression that lasts for long periods and can prevent someone from living a normal life. Chronic stress also can contribute to physical illnesses, including high blood pressure, heart disease, depression, and obesity.

Money, work, and the economy continues to be the most cited (75%) causes of stress for Americans.

I see stress separate from distress. Whenever I visit a brand new place, particularly when it is very unfamiliar, I tend to feel stress. But I am not distressed, just excited. Distress comes when I cannot maintain a degree of control in the new environment.

Here are some truths about stress and some myth-busters.

• Stress does not cause your hair to turn grey.
• Cuddling your pet, significant other, child or listening to music lowers your stress. 
• Stress does not cause ulcers, it just makes them worse. 
• There is no link between stress and infertility. 
• According to the American Cancer Society, no definite link between stress and cancer has been found. 
• Stress can cause erectile dysfunction and loss of libido. 
• Women are twice as likely as men to be affected by generalized anxiety disorder. 
• Daily exercise greatly helps to reduce the effects of stress. 
• Anger or hostility releases stress hormones into the blood and can cause heart problems. 
• Smoking cigarettes does not reduce stress. 

Focusing on the positive (gratitude), speaking soothing words to yourself, praying and practicing deep breathing can be very helpful. The combination of medications and psychotherapy is highly effective with anxiety issues. 70-90% of people experience an improvement.  

Learn to set realistic goals for yourself at home and at work, and have good boundaries with people. If it is hard for you to say “no”, then you need to enlist some help. Prepare for change as far in advance as you can, and lower your expectations. You will likely lead a much calmer life.

Emotional Ransomware

I once got attacked by an Internet virus in the category called “ransomware”. It installs itself on your computer and encrypts all your files of certain types so they cannot be read. In my case it encrypted all my pictures, word processor, spreadsheet and pdf files. And yes, I went through the stages of grief. It is very insidious because it comes with a promise to restore files that were stolen from you – for a price. The rub, of course, is that you have to trust a criminal to follow through with what they promise. And you have to arrive at the assumption “Not likely.”

I wonder if there are also emotional equivalents in relationships. In the computer version, you believe you are allowing a legitimate program to install on your hard drive, usually in the form of a software or program update. In the emotional version you allow someone to install a program on your heart. And if that “program” has bad intentions or is damaged, it  steals your confidence, your dignity, your choices, or some other quality of life.

What ransom is being asked for by the thief? Perhaps it’s sex. Or it might be complete obedience or exclusivity. Maybe it’s a demand to accept bad behavior unconditionally like anger or criticism or manipulative crying or selfishness.    

Breaking it down, what did I do wrong?

First, I was too fast to respond. I didn’t take my time and really pay attention and think through my actions. I ignored a little voice inside of me that asked “Are you sure?” Instead, I wanted to move ahead with the current task and so accepted what was interrupting my screen. Impatience can really get me in trouble sometimes.

Secondly, I was too trusting. I should not have accepted the request on face value without investigating further. I can be naïve. “No one would really try to harm me.” Really? So what are all those security programs for? It's just too easy for someone to copy and paste a logo and make it look authentic.

So when it comes to relationships are you impatient? Do you move ahead too quickly out of desire to move from “me” to “us”? As you got older did you feel the time was running out and so now you are not as cautious as you once were? Or maybe you have always been this way and need to reassess.

Are you too trusting and transparent and tend to open up completely when you should be observing and testing. Trust is not just supposed to be given unconditionally. It must be earned over time. Are you swayed by the company a person keeps assuming they are just as reliable? That’s the equivalent of a cut-and-pasted logo. Authenticity is not guaranteed.

A well known verse in the Bible says:

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think that’s the best advice of all!

A Powerful Question

One of the questions I will sometimes ask a new client is this:

“If this counseling process is successful, what will be different in your life/relationship?”

It is a powerful way to help a client define goals so that we might be able to measure progress and success. Most will respond with a variation on one of these two themes:

1. I will be out of pain

2. I will be happy (with myself, my situation or my relationship).

Although these can be good short-term goals for counseling, they should not be the only ones because they often do not speak to deeper issues. Sometimes healing is found in the direction of pain. Sometimes doing the right thing will make us unhappy (at least for a while). Rarely do people answer the question with a response like this:

“I will have increased in my emotional, relational and spiritual maturity.”

Now, to be fair, some do. They tend to be the ones who are headed for deeper levels of integrity in their lives. They understand the toughness of the battle that is before them, and they can also envision the rewards. Make no mistake about it – it is hard to say yes to the right things, and to deny ourselves things that we desire but are counter to our growth.

What is the feeling you get when you think of self-restraint? Do you feel angry or sad or controlled? Do you feel exited about the challenge? Do you feel good about yourself because you are doing well at managing your temptations?

If I were to be completely honest I would have to admit that I rarely feel good about restraint in the moment. It is mostly in reflection that I appreciate my self-controlled responses and understand the value of unspoken words or actions.  

Regardless of how you feel, who you are is God’s Beloved Child – and deeply accepting that reality should be your highest goal. It may not eliminate your pain, but it will give you a reason to be joyful.

One good book that I recommend is Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. His basic premise is that it is impossible to mature spiritually while remaining emotionally immature.

Just something to think about.