Are People Walking On Eggshells Around You?

One sure way of killing relational intimacy is making people around you ‘walk on eggshells’. You might be a wife, husband, employer, friend, employee or son or daughter. It doesn’t matter what the relationship is – if you are basically touchy, you will be treated differently.

Easily Hurt, Offended or Angered

Are you one of those people who seem to get wounded by everything? Gentle and friendly teasing is misinterpreted? You feel like a victim and powerless? Crying comes easily and you pull back quickly in defensiveness. You have been called overly sensitive most of your life, but you hate to admit it’s true.

Or maybe you take everything personally and everyone’s motives towards you are suspicious. So many things annoy you and you are constantly judging others’ behaviors and habits. You have a hard time restraining yourself from pointing them out. You have been accused of being ‘parental’, but you feel justified because they are ‘offensive’ or ‘wrong’.

Then there are those who have a short fuse. You are both easily hurt and offended, but respond angrily. You know you are one of these people because those around you seem to be constantly apologizing to you to try to appease you. And you find yourself apologizing to others because you have overreacted and wounded them. 

All of these conditions will cause people to feel unsafe around you. They may be very cautious about sharing anything that they believe may set you off in some way. If you blame them for not trusting you and sharing more deeply, they will only further distance from you. That will make you feel more lonely and isolated. You may or may not have reached the level of emotional abuse with your actions, but you can't deny that you are pretty controlling or manipulative.

Wounds From The Past

There may be some understandable reasons why you react this way. Past hurts or trauma from abuse or neglect may be affecting you. There might be unresolved grief from losses not yet accepted. Whether you judge it fair or not, you are solely responsible for the way you behave. You cannot place expectations on others to compensate for your losses. You can only work to grieve the losses and own your own pain. Sharing these experiences with trusted people will help to relieve some of the tenderness.

Walking on eggshells is very difficult, and is sad for everyone. Healing requires humility, forgiveness, self-control and courage. It begins by surrendering your pain at the foot of the cross of Jesus.

"Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” 
Romans 12:18 (NLT)

Is Refusing Sex in Marriage OK?

The young married couple sat across from us, obviously frustrated. The issue: he was refusing her sex – not all the time, but frequently enough that it was turning into a real problem.

“I feel like she is just using me sometimes, you know, to satisfy herself.”

Of course this scenario could have easily been reversed. Women are often the one expressing this kind of complaint. So what do we think?

Yes, sometimes in marriage we are using each other – and it’s quite OK.

The Bible has something to say about this: 

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (NLT) The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This may not seem like a very popular passage with everyone, but it is very practical and very mutual. I wonder how many couples will refuse each other for the purpose of deeper prayer? Oh, and the scripture says it has to be a joint decision.

There are places where we draw the line – like when sex is an addiction. Statistics show that a couple (over the span of a marriage) will have sex an average of from one to three times a week. Younger couples generally more, older couples generally less. And of course the frequency drops during seasons of pregnancy.

One of the reasons a spouse might refuse sex (particularly wives) is because of a lack of physical resources. She has been tending to the needs of their children and is just plain worn out. Or she may experience discomfort because of her monthly menstrual cycle. Or maybe a husband or wife has a very physical or time-consuming job and is exhausted at the end of a day. What can be done?

Give your partner a heads-up so that they can minimize their work load. I know one wife who tells her husband she has enough energy to either prepare a home cooked meal or have sex, but not both. He will gladly bring home pizza. Or how about a husband who offers to forego overtime hours when his wife is feeling romantic?

It is quite true that sometimes we just plain “don’t feel like it”, when our partner does. This is the perfect occasion for a “quickie.” It’s a loving concession we make because we care about our partner. Many experts consider refusing sex a form of emotional abuse when used as a control mechanism in a relationship.

There are times when parents may have to schedule an appointment for sex – a bit unromantic perhaps, but it reduces the anxiety for the spouse who wonders when it will happen again. We call this “planned spontaneity”.

Some couples have extenuating circumstances – physical or medical issues perhaps. We would encourage those couples to find alternate ways of satisfying each other sexually. The key here is finding agreement. But the bonding that occurs is just too precious to ignore forever.

Finally, if you must refuse sex, give a very kind turn-down, and if possible give a rain-check with a potential time in the future.

How about you? Is this an area you will have to give some deep thought to? 

Yelling, Screaming, Raging and Lecturing

There are many spouses who would never contemplate hitting their mate, but think nothing of yelling, screaming, raging and lecturing them, sometimes for hours.

I want to suggest that yelling at your spouse is a verbal slap to the heart.

Although physically assaulting your wife or husband (even once) is generally considered an adequate reason to separate until the wounded spouse feels safe – verbal assaults may do just as much damage and lead to the same result. And the heart may take a much longer time to heal than the body.

Lecturing a spouse is treating them like a child. I don’t care how much you feel the need to berate them or “educate” them; it is just wrong and contemptuous. The worst time and place to do this is in the bedroom at bedtime. The other worst time to do this is during the rest of the day. If you find yourself wanting to do this, take a break, get away and settle down.

It might even be worse for the child of a raging parent. There is a larger power imbalance and the dependency needs are greater. The kids can’t always leave the room to protect themselves emotionally. I have heard adult children confess that they would have preferred being spanked to having to endure the intense screaming and shaming. One man said this to me:

“Whenever Dad yelled at me the look on his face said he hated me and was disgusted with me.”  Then the man broke down crying.

I wonder if your spouse feels hated too when you scream at them?

Often this is a family of origin issue, meaning that it was behavior that was modeled in the family in which you grew up. Mom or Dad was a yeller, and so it just feels normal to scream at people. It might be normal to you, but it may not be normal to the others around you – and it certainly isn’t healthy or mature.

Sometimes the angry behavior is a way of coping with depression. It is said that women tend to go sad and cry when depressed and men tend to go angry and aggressive. When we act out angry feelings there is a boost in adrenaline that may pull us temporarily out of the feeling of depression. Unfortunately it is also followed by a letdown and usually a feeling of regret for pushing people away.

The best solution I know is to run away when you feel compelled to act out. Separate yourself as quickly as possible and let the feelings dissipate. For some people fear and anxiety drives them to lash out. Take yourself away and sort out the feelings so that you can deal with people calmly and rationally.

And lastly and most importantly, according to the Bible, it is often also a sin that separates us from God. 

Ephesians 4:26 (NIV) “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. 

Proverbs 22:24-25 (NIV) Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, or you may learn their ways and get yourself ensnared.