FLIP IT!

 

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Nan and I have been drilling down on a relational bad habit that is so prevalent, yet often goes unnoticed. And that is the tendency to ask for things we want in negative terms. We tell someone what we don’t like or want instead of asking for what it is that we do want. Our solution: flip it.

A prime example would be the way that parents may talk to their offspring.

“Don’t leave your shoes and socks in the middle of the living room!”

That’s negative and so familiar. If we flip it:

“I like it when you put your shoes and socks away. Could you please do that now?”

Think about the way you communicate your needs and desires. Do you find that you have this bad habit of always pointing out things in a critical or negative way or do you generally use a more positive approach? I can tell you that I have struggled to change the way I communicate, but it always pays off in relationship dividends. The needed intervention here is taking a pause before speaking. Of course that is just what the Bible advises us to do in James 1:19 (be slow to speak).

In working with couples we have discovered how hard it is to get some to make this shift. We have a lot of grace for them because the habit has been so embedded for so long it feels unnatural to make the change. But we can see the difference when couples have mastered the ability to speak in positives. We simply say to them “Can you flip it?” There’s usually that pause I mentioned above and then a valiant attempt. Sometimes we have to suggest what the flip would look like.

But Can I Do That?

I see the core motivation to change as what Dallas Willard called the “renovation of the heart”. Luke 6:45b says, “For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” I am not saying that our hearts are evil because we do not speak in positive language, but I am suggesting that a goodhearted person will see the benefit practically, spiritually and relationally.

One of the fruits of the Spirit mentioned in Galatians 5:22 is kindness, which I think is a superpower in relationships. And I believe making this change is an expression of kindness. Shifting this way of communicating could be the secret sauce in transforming a difficult exchange into a productive one.

Hopefully you are on board. Just flip it!

CARE. CONNECT. ENCOURAGE.

 

As I was listening to our pastor Tom speak today he accurately stated that what we are facing with the devastation of the current fires is a marathon, not a sprint. I was reminded of the 1991 earthquake where our whole neighborhood gathered in the street after the shaking was over to check on each other. I met people I had never met before even though some were just a few houses away. But very rapidly everything went back to business as usual.

It is normal to kick into emergency mode when we are feeling the rush of adrenaline. We have all seen this on a personal level as well as a global scale. Crises will bring out the best of humanity. Unfortunately it will also bring out the worst as we witness predators looting homes and businesses after a tragedy.

The challenge comes when the shock of the crisis is over and the recovery phase begins. This is when we contend for normalcy and try to put the situation behind us. But for some, normalcy is not possible. They have to live with the losses, and the recovery is long term. And I think for those who have not been directly impacted, this stage of care for others may be the most needed, but also the most difficult aspect to sustain.

What can we do?

We must not forget. We need to keep checking on them with heartfelt interest. The person suffering a loss has not “gotten over it”. They are living with it, often unsuccessfully trying to make sense of the loss. Don’t offer empty platitudes just because time has passed. They may need to express and process the same feelings many times over in order to get some form of acceptance of the loss. Yes, this is the process of grief and we are to grieve with them.

We must not confuse compassion with pity. No one wants to be pitied. It feels condescending. But true compassion means being with someone in their pain, not standing apart from it. Brene Brown has a short animated video on empathy vs. sympathy that I find very helpful. You can watch it here on YouTube.

We remember that we heal in community. Drawing those that are suffering back into a group connection helps them to not feel alone and isolated. A few close friends are essential, but a larger context is also stabilizing. There is a story in 1 Kings chapter 19 where Elijah feels like he is the last survivor to remain faithful to God, but God shows him that there are seven thousand more that have been faithful. He is not alone and that is comforting. It is the same for us. We suffer less when we know we are not alone.

Lastly, we encourage realistic hope. 2 Cor 1:10 says “He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” At the moment it may not feel like it to those who are grieving, but our faith encourages us to remain a steady voice of hope to others in times of distress. When we are in pain we just want the pain to go away. But just the hope of the pain abating over time may be sufficient to get someone through it. Remember. 

Care. Connect. Encourage.

Money and Work From Home. Is It Worth It?

 

At least a couple of decades ago I read a book about the true hourly wages a person takes home. In his explanation, the author pointed out that the net hourly wage had to factor in some often overlooked costs. If a person was paid for 8 hours of work, but had a 2 hour commute each day, it was really a 10 hour work day. That reduced the hourly wage by 20%. For example if your hourly rate is $25/hr and you are paid for 8 hours you would receive $200 minus taxes. But you spent 10 hours including the commute, so the hourly rate dropped to $200/10 or $20/hr minus taxes.

Is there more?

But we’re not done. How about the money spent on gasoline and car maintenance for that 2 hour commute? And do you eat takeout or restaurant food rather than prepare food at home? That costs extra. Do you have to maintain a larger and more costly wardrobe for the job in order to be appropriate? More expense. Nan and I have found that we only need one car because we both work at home.

I believe this is why many people are opting for online or hybrid jobs. It may also be the reason why many employers are accepting the change if the job fits the WFH model. The employee actually may be happier working at home and keeping more of their wages, even if they miss the camaraderie of the workplace. And the employer’s office space requirement may be reduced, saving them associated costs.

 Is it all gain?

Of course there may be some trade-offs. Your utility bills may be higher if you work from home, and you are using your own toilet paper. There may be distractions that are very hard to ignore. It may be difficult to make the shift from home life to work schedule. There may be temptations to be too flexible or not as diligent with no one monitoring the work as closely. Or for the workaholics, keeping a reasonable work/life balance might be a challenge since the home and office are the same. And then there are the extroverts who start to become depressed with too much alone time. They need people time -- face to face. 

Although some may be fortunate enough to find a suitable workspace at a walking distance from home  (that doesn't require $5 coffees and expensive sandwiches), most probably won't. But think of those extra commute hours that are now all yours. How will you use the extra time? More sleep? More time with family, friends or recreation? Eased conflict getting the kids ready for, or to school? Less stress with a one minute walk to your home office? Maybe even a tax break for having a home office?

Dollars or hours?

As an aside, the author of the above mentioned book also suggested that the readers convert their purchases into hours worked for an item or experience. For example if after having subtracted taxes, gasoline etc. and come up with a true net-per- hour wage of say $16/hr (from our original $20/hr calculation above) – a sweater costing $160 including sales tax would take 10 hours of work to purchase it. He said to consider whether it would be worth 10 hours of your life to own that sweater. Maybe it would be, maybe not. It is an interesting perspective. I wonder how many hours of work it takes to buy a new car including taxes and interest? No, I don’t think I want to go there – too depressing.