Saturday, May 17, 2014

Choosing a Mate

Since Nan & I teach the pre-married/pre-engagement class at church, we spend a good deal of our time with couples in that stage of a relationship. It is undeniable that most have found each other because of an attraction that they felt. Yes, some have been matched through an online service, which goes much further than attraction alone. We believe that a decision for marriage should be based on a balance of attraction and suitability.

In other words, the head and the heart must be in sync.

What makes a potential mate suitable? When I first saw Nan that thought never entered my mind. (OK, I was young and maturity helps a bit with the concept). Blind attraction from a chemical wash of the brain makes everything seem possible within a relationship. We believe we can make a relationship with a person who lives in another country with 2 kids from a former marriage work. Right.

Here are some factors that must be considered.

  • Are we of the same spiritual mind? The Christian term is “equally yoked”. 
  • If we are of different ethnicities, will our families accept our potential mate? 
  • Are we in agreement about children? 
  • Do we come from similar socio-economic backgrounds? 
  • Does my partner have great character – free from addictions? Are they honest, trustworthy, hard working, kind, dependable, teachable, humble, gentle, not given to fits of anger or rage, etc.? This is foremost in our opinion. 
  • Do we communicate well? Is my partner a listener as well as a talker? 
  • Can we resolve conflict, or do we give up and go away mad or discouraged? 
  • Do we have a financial plan based on reality? Are we both committed to working to make it happen? 
  • Is my partner a happy person or do they seem to be critical, complaining, cynical or pessimistic? It is hard to live with a depressed person. 

One of the reasons I think premarital sex is a bad idea, apart from the biblical reasons, is that once we have crossed that boundary our minds are clouded by the closeness we feel. It becomes very difficult to have a balanced perspective. If we also live together we add one more entanglement as well – that of being economically entwined. It is very difficult to extricate ourselves from an unsuitable relationship when we are emotionally, physically and economically connected.

What would you add to my list? What has caused you pain or confusion? Have you had repeated bad break-ups or have you found yourself in a difficult marriage because you ignored the above factors? Are you stuck right now? Or have you chosen well and you are rejoicing with the satisfaction of your relational success? With strength and courage and maybe some help from others there is always hope.


  1. Love this! So sound and helpful! Thank you!

  2. Hi Mr and Mrs. Dhuet I was wondering do you have any advice for couples with problems on trying to stay together or get back together and work it out. It seems like most of the advice is like if their is any sign of trouble it's time to leave. Please help in this matter.

  3. Dear Mr. and Mrs Dhuet do you have advice for couples who are struggling to stay together or get back together like advice to work things out. It seems everything leads to breaking up at first sign of trouble. Please Help.

    1. Stephanie, that's a great question and a good topic for a post. I would say that it depends on the history of the relationship. Are there basic integrity and trust issues or just an inability to communicate well and resolve conflict? The first is a big red flag and the second could be a matter of learning some skills in a relationship class or counseling. Are both people as invested in the relationship, or is the commitment unbalanced where one person is trying to control the other?