Do You Have Superpowers?

There are certain behaviors in relationships that are easily identified as the most destructive. They are known to most of us: poorly controlled anger that becomes rageful, withdrawal that turns into emotional cutoff, and unaddressed addictions that control the person and therefore harm the relationship. These behaviors often flow from dealing with the most volatile issues that couples face such as money, sex, parenting and others.

But those are just the most obvious, in-your-face destroyers. There are also more subtle, but equally harmful ones. There is one that really sticks out to me.

Like the dripping of water on a rock that eventually erodes it away, nagging, criticizing, complaining, and correcting eventually erodes a relationship. Yes, it is slower, but it can be just as painful in the long run.

I remember working with a couple whose relationship was headed down the tubes. Outwardly there was nothing dramatic happening, but the couple seemed to be profoundly unhappy. After listening to their stories I turned to the wife and confronted her:

“You need to stop FAA – Fixing, Analyzing and Advising.”

She looked at me and declared: “But those are my superpowers. If you take them away I'll have nothing left!”

I agreed with her that they were indeed super powerful – but it was the power to destroy, not to create. I could see the husband relax. I think he finally felt understood. Of course I could have told her to stop nagging, criticizing, complaining and correcting, but I think she got the message.

During the sessions I noticed that she got quite upset when her husband did not agree with her. So I helped both of them to express their feelings better, without blaming or shaming. And we worked on not holding an expectation that their partner had to agree with them or face their wrath or withdrawal. In time she learned that she had a lot of power left. Her husband responded very well to kind words and encouragement and so did her kids. We talked about how the Fruits of the Spirit are the real superpowers as outlined in Galatians chapter 5 in the Bible starting with verse 22:

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit (power) in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"

If you want to know what not to do, read beginning with verse Galations 5:16.

By the way, the genders could have just as easily been reversed in the above scenario – husbands often have those destructive superpowers as well.

Realized Secure Attachment -- And A Free Quiz

 

Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone. Psalm 33:22

Within secular therapy there is a tern called “earned secure attachment”. The concept is that security can obtained through developmental experiences with others. Although I agree that this process works as a therapeutic intervention, it implies that for those with attachment wounds, it does not exist outside of our efforts to attain it.

I would like to introduce a different model of thinking, one that would be more aligned with Christian belief. I have renamed it “realized secure attachment”. It is still a process, but where it differs from secular thinking is that is does not imply that we must build a secure attachment, but rather accept that security has always existed in a relationship with God, through Christ.

As therapists, we act as transitional figures in the life of our clients, and bridge the gap between the natural and the supernatural. We do this by offering as close to unconditional love and acceptance as is possible. In essence, we model secure attachment, although imperfectly, while pointing the client to where a perfectly secure attachment has always existed.

Where I believe this has significance over the “earned” concept, is because insecurely attached clients may already struggle with performance issues related to their value. Earned security introduces the possibility of failing to achieve the goal, creating additional stress on the already anxiously attached client. It also negatively reinforces the beliefs of the avoidant, that they are on their own, that it’s all up to them to attempt to “fix it”.

And Now the Free Quiz

For quite a while now we have referred to a great free assessment from HowWeLove.com called the “Love Style Quiz”. It is an attachment style indicator that is very useful in navigating the likely conflict patterns that emerge in relationships in general, and marriages in particular.

There are five possible styles (or a combination of styles) that a person may have. Although the styles may be identified with other names in other attachment literature, the authors of this quiz use these five categories: Pleaser, Avoider, Vacillator, Controller, Victim

These are considered insecure attachment styles that were acquired during the early formative years that deal with perceptions of how loved, cared for and secure the child felt. In this assessment these styles are measured on a scale with lower numbers indicating greater secure attachment. The more secure we are, the more likely we are to navigate conflict well. The beauty of this quiz is it puts the styles of two people together to form a “core conflict pattern”. The core pattern then can be seen as the problem and not the two individuals.

Of course we can also be mostly securely attached (and there is a secure attachment quiz on the website for that also). But under stress we can regress and become more easily triggered. Being aware of our conflict pattern can help us to recognize it when it is beginning to emerge so we can catch it before it escalates any further. Yes, we may be tempted to ignore the warning signs, but we can be reassured by what the Bible says in 1Cor 10:13:

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

It is fun to wtch couples’ amazement when they look at a core pattern and immediately recognize it as their own. The phrase I often hear is “It’s spot on. How do they do that?” Then often some relief comes when they realize they are hardly unique in their struggles.

It will likely take some work to be proficient in shutting down the negative pattern, but it feels so satisfying when the end result is a more connected and peaceful relationship. And from a spiritual standpoint we know that we are becoming more formed into the image of Christ who has called us to be peacemakers.

I wonder how many reading this post will take the next step and participate in the love quiz? If you want to see what our (Nan and me) pattern is, check out the core pattern for the pleaser and the avoider. You are going to have to guess which of us is which style (our friends and clients will probably know). I can truly say that we have mostly conquered our core pattern over the years. Under stress do we regress? Sometimes, but not nearly as often.

If you would like to know the basics of attachment theory, check out this short animated video.