Over the years Nan and I
have had to deal with the changing attitudes in our culture when it comes to
moral issues. Some of them are very controversial. Others are at best reluctantly accepted as something to struggle
with.
Among these issues are premarital sex and living together
before marriage (cohabiting).
We have noticed that the acceptance among believing
Christians has increased significantly in these areas. Even when statistics show
that success and satisfaction in marriage and relationships decreases as a
result of these decisions, there is a resistance to push back against the
cultural pressures.
Some will cite financial advantages as to why they cohabit, while
others will point out that holding
sexual boundaries are unrealistic given our sex saturated environment. But our
experience is that many that we see are faithful to follow what they understand
to be God’s plan for them as a couple.
As counselors, we try our best to handle these issues with
as much grace as we can without abandoning truth, as we understand it, from our
biblical worldview. However there is one place where we are uncompromising in
our advice and that is the essential need to keep boundaries while going
through a divorce.
It is very unpopular when we tell people they are not free to date until they are completely divorced.
We have a lot of compassion for divorcing people. They have
gone through a lot of pain. They may have been very lonely in their marriage
for a long time. Their spouse may have cheated on them and broken the marriage
vows. They feel a deep need for comfort and to believe that there will be a
positive future. But we do not believe that gives them permission to break their
marriage vows.
God’s grace allows divorce. And sometimes we can support a
divorce. But we also understand that until a divorce is final, it is a
separation, whether physical or emotional. That is why dating must be delayed.
Besides, going from one relationship to another often does not allow for adequate
recovery and healing to take place.
What is interesting is that the same reasons unmarried
couples use to defend cohabiting are also the same ones separated couples use
to justify forming relationships prematurely. And unfortunately many times children
are also brought into this unstable and chaotic mix.
Regardless of the rationalizations that may surface in your
mind, hold fast to your integrity during this difficult, discouraging and
painful transition. Let God and friends be your comfort until you are once
again free to date.
