Argumentative People

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky. Phil 2:14-15 

“I don’t think I’m going to ask her to marry me.”

I was surprised. I had been counseling the couple for a while and they seemed pretty well suited for each other. I asked why. He replied “She challenges everything I say. She has a retort for everything I share. She’s just so argumentative.”

As I thought about their conversations, I could really understand what he was saying. I had missed it because she was just so kind in the way she did it. But it was there. So I did what I thought a good counselor should do. I asked if he would be willing to confront her instead of walking away from the relationship. He agreed to talk about it with her in our counseling session.

What happened should have been predictable. When confronted, she argued with him about his perspective. Fail!

Of course men will do this too.

“He argues with me until he wears me down. He won’t stop – it could go on for hours. Can’t we ever do it my way just once? I can’t take it anymore.”

The truth is, it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone who is always challenging you.

Both genders can feel overwhelmed by the intensity of an argumentative person, leaving them feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Yes, two volatile people might seem to understand each other in the way they do conflict, but they are also the most likely to have 911 called on them. It is usually not a relationship builder.

Why might someone become argumentative?

• I have seen families where this is encouraged. Debating is seen as a way to build strong kids: “Don’t just agree, push back and defend your position.” 

• I have also known people who have overdone it when learning to “find their voice” and protecting themselves from being overpowered. 

• Sometimes it is just a personality trait that has to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit. 

Are you in a relationship with a disagreeable person and suffering? Are you a disagreeable person and are not fully aware of it? Admitting the truth is the first step to healing. Then work on learning to calm yourself and to seek a win-win compromise instead of a win-lose outcome. 

Do you find yourselves in useless quarrels? We all do. Practice the communication exercise below. You may need help from your counselor. The goal is for both both people to feel heard and understood.

EXERCISE

Practice asking for what you want or need in a clear and direct way by using this template. It

might feel rote, but learning and practicing with these steps will help you stay constructive especially when emotions are heated. 

Start with an affirmation such as: “I know you didn’t intend to” or “I know you are a good

man/woman/mom/daughter, etc” or some other statement of positive intent. 

SPEAKER

1. STATE A FEELING: 

I feel____________________ (use a feeling word) when_________________(describe a situation)

        Important Caution: DO NOT follow the word “feel” above with either “like” or “that” or

        you will be expressing a thought or judgment. 

2. EXPRESS A NEED OR DESIRE: 

And, what I’d like is ___________________________________ 

LISTENER 

In response, your partner does the following:

1. REFLECT: What I hear you say is ______________________________

2. EMPATHIZE: I understand that ___________________________________

3. REASSURE: I want you to know __________________________________ 

Make sure you take turns being the speaker and responder!