A Great Friend

As I study to improve my skills and understanding as a counselor, it always leads me into a place of self-examination. If I cannot allow the things I learn to affect my own life, how can I expect it of others? It would be kind of like listening to a sermon in church and constantly elbowing the person next to you.

There is a passage in the Bible that is generally considered to be one of the core instructions for being a counselor, but I think it also could describe the qualities of a great friend.

The passage is from 1 Thessalonians 5.

¹⁴ Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. ¹⁶ Always be joyful. ¹⁷ Never stop praying. ¹⁸ Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

The skill set required to be a good counselor can also apply to being a good spouse (although I strongly suggest that you not try to be your spouse’s therapist).

Attending – Provide undivided attention when your spouse/friend is speaking. Maintain eye contact without staring, keep an open posture, lean forward and give small gestures to assure the person you are present.

Empathic response – Respond to the speaker in a way that assures them that you are connecting with the emotional content of their story (not just the informational content).

The interpersonal qualities of a good counselor are the same as a good friend.

Genuineness – You need to be the kind of person that you would want your friend/spouse to be. For example we cannot ask for kindness from them, while treating them in a harsh or demanding way.

Warmth – This is an essential quality for a therapist. Without it there is little chance that a trust-bond can be formed. The same can be said in other relationships. Without warmth there can be no relaxing.

Positive regard – This is treating the person with respect and care as a person made in the image of God. This does not mean that you always agree with them, or that you do not see a need for change.

Supportive and challenging – As a friend I must be able to give strong support to the person even though I may not be able to support their behavior at times. Knowing how to hold that delicate balance means I must be in communion with God.

As I strive to be a better counselor, I also want to endeavor to be a better person, friend, and spouse.

Can you agree?