It's All About ME!

One of the more difficult personality types to deal with is the narcissist. It is generally accepted that when it becomes extreme in a person, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) the ability to sustain a relationship with them can be nearly impossible. If you are married to someone with NPD, it is necessary to seek professional help. If you are in a dating relationship with someone you suspect is narcissistic to a pathological degree, it should be a big red flag – some therapists will tell you to run – and run fast.

Narcissism, as opposed to healthy self esteem, can be described as an inflated sense of self importance and excessive self focus. I am not going to go into theories about the formation of a narcissist or the sub-types here, but simply to help you recognize the signs in yourself or others. 

Mary is a pretty girl and easily connects with people. Men are naturally attracted to her outgoing and easy manner. The problem is, every conversation is about her – her life, her interests, her work and her friends. If you try to share some of you own experiences, she will always point out how your experiences relate to her own. Eventually you may become frustrated, but if you express how this makes you feel unheard or alone, she is unable to empathize with your feelings. Instead she will tell you how she feels about what you said – usually criticized or angry or some other defensive emotion. You are aware of how she once again brought the focus back on herself.

Mary probably lacks awareness of how she affects other people negatively. Or if she is aware, her need for attention overrides her ability to manage her behavior. It actually may be low self-esteem that anxiously drives her to maintain the focus on herself. The true narcissist will always see you as the problem in disagreements. They are superior, and your inability to recognize that fact is the difficulty.

What does the Bible say about this?

Romans 12:3 (NLT) Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.

Other translations say that we should have a sober appraisal of ourselves – neither grandiose nor self debasing. When love is our goal, our focus will naturally shift to the other person.

I can honestly say that it took the transformative power of God to help me grow in this area. My counselor (also named David) told me that he believes most men are (at minimum) a little bit narcissistic and most women, (at minimum) a little bit hysterical. But men can be hysterics, just as women can be narcissists. And either can be an hysteric (excessively emotional) narcissist! It is only by the grace of God working in our lives that we can overcome these character defects.

How about you? Do you see this characteristic in yourself? Can you commit to grow in this area?

Video Based Care: The Journey

 

Years before the pandemic hit our shores we were experimenting with and incorporating video-based care support into The Relationship Center. We had done a bit of remote support by telephone with individual clients, which was adequate for some. But when it came to couples in particular, the telephone couldn’t cut it. I pressed to try the new video platform and Nan, although skeptical, was supportive.

The first opportunity came when we had a request to do some missionary support. The connection was spotty, but adequate. It fueled our interest even more. But the breakthrough came when Nan and I had a session with an out-of-the-area couple where we were able to read the body language of the woman, see the emotional shift, and facilitate her expression through tears. At this point I dug a lot deeper into the medium.

The next step was client driven. I had a couple of clients who were complaining about the amount of time the drive to and from their location took to attend a meeting. I suggested we could try video. They jumped on it, and in one case saved 90 minutes of travel time. Another client said they could use their lunch hour at work if we could do video. Done!

At this point, more clients started moving around, but didn’t want to end our sessions. Some were getting married and moving to a spouse’s location and others buying houses that they could afford out of the area. Client by client there were a lot of shifts.

Then the pandemic hit and everything went online. We didn’t have to scramble. We were set up and proficient at the platform. The only thing left was to do our best to help clients become familiar with it and make it as accessible as possible. That has been an ongoing task.

The Upside: No interruption of care

Since the pandemic clients have done sessions from many locations (home, car, work, park) and while tending to children, nursing babies, etc. They have used desktops, laptops, IPads, IPhones, Androids, Chromebooks, etc. And we have conducted sessions into distant cities, counties, states, countries and continents. At first there was some reluctance to the change, but now it is largely accepted, even if not preferred.

Today there are many possible video platforms to choose from, but from the beginning we have chosen to only offer those that are secure and HIPAA compliant. I originally landed on VSee Messenger, VSee Clinic and Zoom. Seeing that video appears to be built into our church VOIP (Ring Central), it may become the “go to” in the future, although we remain with VSee for now.

The Downside: Understanding some basics about the technology

As we progressed we have experienced quite a few shaky connections and dropped calls. We boosted our service and stabilized our end of the connection. We followed up with tech departments to check glitches. What we have found is that almost all of the problems have been at the client end. Here is what a client can do to minimize problems and dropped calls.

1. Use the strongest possible Internet connection possible. This is most important.

2. Close all unneeded applications while on your appointment.

3. Don’t drive during an appointment. Pull over to side of the road and find a strong connection if you must use your cell phone.

4. Run the app’s check-up to make sure the video and microphone and speaker/earbuds are working properly BEFORE THE SESSION STARTS. Each video platform offers this feature.

5. If you do get dropped from a call or the connection freezes for more than a few seconds, don’t panic – exit the call and come back into the waiting room and wait to be re-admitted.

The biggest downside: no hugs.