“The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.” Edwin H. Friedman
We tell people all the time that “unasked for advice will always be received as criticism”. Yet, especially with couples, it seems to often fall on deaf ears. As I read the above quote from Ed Friedman, it occurs to me that criticism is a poor motivator for positive change. And the only change I can expect is the one I impose on myself. I believe that positive, but realistic self-talk is a key element in the change process. Getting a grip on my internal narrative is life changing. My thoughts are powerful. My God directed dialog (prayer) breaks the mental logjam.
Also, as Friedman stated, staying connected, not moving against another person is an important part of the process. That’s hard to do when your feelings are high. But hard is not bad. Sinning is bad. (And “don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” Ephesians 4:26)
In counseling we use insight as one of the tools for change. Its effectiveness is dependent on a client’s willingness to be influenced by the counselor’s observations. There are those who are truly desiring to get free of whatever is troubling them and get better. But there are others whose only goal is to feel better, not get healthier. Those are the unmotivated people Friedman is referring to.
It is easy to spot unmotivated clients. They talk about others, not themselves. They are world class blameshifters and complainers. In anger they may set goals for others with a self-righteous attitude. And their relationships never change or end up getting worse. Why? They set powerless goals.
I had a family member who fit into that category. They wanted my ear for complaints, but did not actually want to change themselves to make things better. I got bored with the repetitive complaints and I finally set a boundary (I decided to change myself). I suggested a prayer partner for the person instead of counseling. The response: “I just want to be heard. I don’t want to hear about other people’s problems.” Ouch! The truth. But I held my boundary to not listen to complaints about others. The result? Crickets.
This is not the only possible outcome. Sometimes clients will eventually understand. In humility they will admit their powerlessness and accept insight that leads to real progress. They are the clients I love. Often the hurts have been deep and the defenses have been necessary for survival. Surrendering means grief or facing fears.
Do you have the courage to look inward for solutions? Can you focus on what you can do rather than blame others, even though they may largely be at fault? Can you shift to a more positive attitude? Can you just be silent when your words will only escalate a conflict? Can you admit that most of what you express may be your opinion rather than absolute fact, that you might be missing important details? Can you let God be the judge and not you? I know, tough stuff.
“And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” Luke 6:41-42
