Do Step or Blended Labels Seem Sufficient?

One of the great things about having a cabin 4 hours away is that Nan & I have all that time up and back to discuss, plan, and dream. This week’s discussion was on adjusting to changes in family, whether the result of a break-up, separation, divorce or death.

When this happens (other than death) we often refer to them as broken families. And then when new families are put together we call them step-families or blended families. I am thinking that I would like to refer to them differently. The terms “dis” integrated and “re” integrated” seem better descriptions to me of what happens. In this context to disintegrate is to lose wholeness, not to disappear. We are no longer a whole family.

When a family breaks apart because of the sin of divorce (there is always sin present on one or both sides) the wholeness of the family is destroyed. Children will feel hurt and scared and even sometimes at fault. The security they felt will no longer exist in the same way as before. Even if the adult relationship was more temporary, if the kids bonded to the non-biological adult partner, there will be a ripping apart when the relationship ends. This is the disintegration side of this equation.

What always follows this change is a period of grief for all concerned and it should not be rushed. Probably the most destructive for children is when a new relationship is formed by a biological parent before they are finished going through the grief process of losing daily physical access to both of their parents.

No Dating?

I have sat with adults who were devastated because their custodial parent had serial relationships, often one starting before the other one ended. This is one reason we emphasize that dating anyone until a divorce is final is strictly forbidden. And we also do not want to see any married person have someone on the “back burner” whether in thought or actuality. Neither of those scenarios is God honoring.

In the case of death, being able to grieve before forming a new relationship is obvious, but a separation or divorce is a “living death”. The feelings are often more ambiguous. There can be more guilt or regret. It is emotionally risky to form a new relationship too quickly.

When the grieving has been given its space to go where it wants to go, healing can take place. Then we can think of the future. And if that future includes a new relationship, the process of reintegration can begin. Once the dating adults decide that they have a strong chance of moving forward, members of the new potential family can be introduced to one another. This begins the progression of getting acquainted and exploring the possibility of life together.     

When this process of reintegration is done carefully, there is a minimum of trauma. When done haphazardly, the pain can last for years, if not a lifetime. I don’t know if you might be facing a disintegration or reintegration, or are in the pain of grieving. Regardless of where you are, take your time and be wise. Know that you are loved.   

Extrovert, Introvert or Ambivert – Which Are You?

 For all the ways that Nan and I are similar, there is one area that has been a struggle for us. When we are in a social environment, like church, Nan is ready to go home right after the service, whereas I want to stay and “work the crowd”. But it has always confused us that on a Myers-Briggs assessment she is an extrovert and I lean towards the introvert scale.

What we have figured out is that Nan is an includer. She likes to connect people together to make sure they are not isolated. She likes to resource people. I like to connect with people, but then give them their space. I “turn it on” appropriate to the task or situation at hand, but then like to shut it down and recharge.

Whenever I suggest something, I am usually thinking small – as in Nan and me. But even before I can finish relating my idea Nan is usually thinking who else she would want to include. All of a sudden my idea starts morphing into something different. And it tends to make me anxious and want to stop talking before it grows into an introverts nightmare.

Now, Nan has no intention of causing me pain. She just gets excited by expanding the circle. But then I start to feel out of control. And so we get tangled. Nobody is at fault here. We just are different.

The Fix

Because Nan will always try to run ahead of me we have had to agree to over-communicate when dealing with commitments. Before inviting someone into our world or committing us into someone else’s world we have agreed to check with each other first. This is not easy for Nan and she sometimes forgets. I have to dig deep for grace when this happens. But I have to admit that my life is bigger because of her attitude towards people, and she might admit that her life has more margin because of my restraint.

Fortunately neither of us falls into the extreme sides of the introvert/extrovert scale. As time has progressed we have probably both headed toward the middle – which we label ambiverts. If you are interested, I found these nine signs that you may actually be an ambivert.

1. I can perform tasks alone or in a group. I don’t have much preference either way.

2. Social settings don’t make me uncomfortable, but I tire of being around people too much.

3. Being the center of attention is fun for me, but I don’t like it to last.

4. Some people think I’m quiet, while others think I’m highly social.

5. I don’t always need to be moving, but too much down time leaves me feeling bored.

6. I can get lost in my own thoughts just as easily as I can lose myself in a conversation.

7. Small talk doesn’t make me uncomfortable, but it does get boring.

8. When it comes to trusting other people, sometimes I’m skeptical, and other times, I dive right in.

9. If I spend too much time alone, I get bored, yet too much time around other people leaves me feeling drained.

Building a Team With Wisdom

 I have been thinking about team building – particularly in the context of relationships. I am always encouraging couples to be a team, but what am I really asking of them? Am I asking for agreement, holding the same opinions and conclusions on issues? What does it take to build a great team?

When my business partners got together to make decisions we didn’t always have the same perspective. We didn’t want to allocate money, resolve employee conflicts, or support vendors in the same way. But we got along really well. We lasted 27 years as associates with a pretty minimal amount of conflict and then dissolved our business with equanimity.

A functional team is cooperative, not contentious. All it takes is one hostile person to subvert progress. Disagreement is not hostility, it’s simply a different viewpoint. And a good team looks for diverse ways to approach situations. It’s actually what brings strength and innovation. But what makes the difference is in the presentation of opposing ideas.

Cooperative people would say:

“Have you thought about….” or “Could it be more effective if we……” or “Is it possible that we might try….” Or “I’m seeing things in another way”

They tend to listen and validate the person even if they disagree with the perspective.

Contentious people might say:

“You’re just wrong” or “That’s a stupid idea” or “How could you even think…..”

They also tend to bring anger, blame, contempt or even disgust to discussions.

When couples function as a team they attack problems, but not each other. There may be elevated emotions, but they don’t lose sight of solving the issue as their goal. They remain friends in the process.

Churches are teams. Life groups (small groups) are teams. Corporate staffs are teams. Any group of people joined together to perform a task, reach a goal or build relationships are a team. When dealing with a volatile person, it’s helpful to know that their volatility or hostility may be a blind spot. What they feel is “normal” communication may appear to you or others as highly argumentative and oppositional. If they are able to receive constructive criticism you may win over a strong supporter. If not, you may need to either bring in third party help or discontinue the relationship. That position is Biblical.

(Matthew 18:15-17) “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

What if you suspect you are the difficult person? It never hurts to check it out with a wise, safe person. Then go to those you may have offended, in humility, and ask forgiveness. It really works wonders.

I’d also recommend watching this video clip from Henry Cloud when learning discernment about self or others: 

The Wise, The Foolish and The Evil

Emotional Ransomware

I recently got attacked by an Internet virus in the category called “ransomware”. It installs itself on your computer and encrypts all your files of certain types so they cannot be read. In my case it encrypted all my pictures, word processor, spreadsheet and pdf files. And yes, I went through the stages of grief. It is very insidious because it comes with a promise to restore files that were stolen from you – for a price. The rub, of course, is that you have to trust a criminal to follow through with what they promise. And you have to arrive at the assumption “Not likely.”

I wonder if there are also emotional equivalents in relationships. In the computer version, you believe you are allowing a legitimate program to install on your hard drive, usually in the form of a software or program update. In the emotional version you allow someone to install a program on your heart. And if that “program” has bad intentions or is damaged, it  steals your confidence, your dignity, your choices, or some other quality of life.

What ransom is being asked for by the thief? Perhaps it’s sex. Or it might be complete obedience or exclusivity. Maybe it’s a demand to accept bad behavior unconditionally like anger or criticism or manipulative crying or selfishness.    

Breaking it down. What did I do wrong?

First, I was too fast to respond. I didn’t take my time and really pay attention and think through my actions. I ignored a little voice inside of me that asked “Are you sure?” Instead, I wanted to move ahead with the current task and so accepted what was interrupting my screen. Impatience can really get me in trouble sometimes.

Secondly, I was too trusting. I should not have accepted the request on face value without investigating further. I can be naïve. “No one would really try to harm me.” Really? So what are all those security programs for? Just because someone copied and pasted a logo doesn’t mean it’s authentic.

So when it comes to relationships are you impatient? Do you move ahead too quickly out of desire to move from “me” to “us”? As you got older did you feel the time was running out and so now you are not as cautious as you once were? Or maybe you have always been this way and need to reassess.

Are you too trusting and transparent and tend to open up completely when you should be observing and testing. Trust is not just supposed to be given unconditionally. It must be earned over time. Are you swayed by the company a person keeps assuming they are just as reliable? That’s the equivalent of a cut-and-pasted logo. Authenticity is not guaranteed.

A well known verse in the Bible says:

Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

I think that’s the best advice of all!

I Kissed Dating Hello

In the Christian world, so much has been written about dating. The “wise advice” has gone anywhere from don’t do it, to only date to get married, to pedal to the metal.

I am a balanced kind of guy. I try to stay away from the extremes, considering them danger zones – just look at politics, diets, medical interventions and temperature. So when it comes to this subject, I stand back a ways and try to get a perspective.

For those who would think to avoid dating altogether, I would ask “ Do you think you can make a good choice without spending time with someone under a multitude of circumstances?” Often attraction is developed over a period of time. Your dating partner often becomes better or worse looking the more time you spend with them. They become more three dimensional as you experience their behavior and character up close.

How about those who say only date someone with the intent to marry them? The truth is, dating can be pretty stressful to begin with. When you add this dimension, the fun often goes out of the process, and so does the objectivity that is necessary. I often joke that when women (in particular) hold this position, they begin naming children and ordering wedding dresses on the second or third date. And this often sets them up for a potentially  painful break-up if they have “played the movie forward” to this extent.

At the opposite end of the spectrum is the too casual type of dating. At the extreme it takes on a hook-up and break-up mentality. I have heard it cynically or distastefully described as “hit it and quit it” thinking. There is no way to square this away with a Christian belief system. The Bible rigorously teaches on sexual purity. There is grace and forgiveness, of course, but wisdom says not to push the envelope in your dating.

Dating: A Balancing Act

So what is the balance point? In my mind it would be this: Don’t date with an intent to marry, but don’t date someone you couldn’t or shouldn’t marry. It’s easy to attach to someone if you spend time with them. A lot of the counseling we do is the result of mismatched couples ignoring “red flags” early in the relationship. Their feelings for each other were strong, but their suitability as marriage partners was discounted.

Dating should be easy and fun. When we remove as many of the unnecessary complications as possible, it can be delightful and exciting instead of anxiety producing and stressful.

Determine in advance what your deal breakers are. Don’t be afraid to voice them. This is especially important if you decide to do online dating. “I am looking for a mature committed Christian of good character, close to my age, with no addictions and financially responsible.”  There, you said it. Was that so hard? Isn’t that truthfully what you would want? So now go ahead and go on a bunch of dates and don’t be afraid to keep looking until the right one comes your way.

Living A New Adventure