One of the great things about having a cabin 4 hours away is
that Nan & I have all that time up and
back to discuss, plan, and dream. This week’s discussion was on adjusting to
changes in family, whether the result of a break-up, separation, divorce or
death.
When this happens (other than death) we often refer to them
as broken families. And then when new families are put together we call them
step-families or blended families. I am thinking that I would like to refer to
them differently. The terms “dis” integrated and “re” integrated” seem better
descriptions to me of what happens. In this context to disintegrate is to lose
wholeness, not to disappear. We are no longer a whole family.
When a family breaks apart because of the sin of divorce
(there is always sin present on one or both sides) the wholeness of the family
is destroyed. Children will feel hurt and scared and even sometimes at fault. The
security they felt will no longer exist in the same way as before. Even if the
adult relationship was more temporary, if the kids bonded to the non-biological
adult partner, there will be a ripping apart when the relationship ends. This
is the disintegration side of this equation.
What always follows this change is a period of grief for all
concerned and it should not be rushed. Probably the most destructive for
children is when a new relationship is formed by a biological parent before
they are finished going through the grief process of losing daily physical
access to both of their parents.
No Dating?
I have sat with adults who were devastated because their custodial
parent had serial relationships, often one starting before the other one ended.
This is one reason we emphasize that dating anyone until a divorce is final is
strictly forbidden. And we also do not want to see any married person have
someone on the “back burner” whether in thought or actuality. Neither of those
scenarios is God honoring.
In the case of death, being able to grieve before forming a
new relationship is obvious, but a separation or divorce is a “living death”.
The feelings are often more ambiguous. There can be more guilt or regret. It is
emotionally risky to form a new relationship too quickly.
When the grieving has been given its space to go where it
wants to go, healing can take place. Then we can think of the future. And if
that future includes a new relationship, the process of reintegration can
begin. Once the dating adults decide that they have a strong chance of moving
forward, members of the new potential family can be introduced to one another. This
begins the progression of getting acquainted and exploring the possibility of life
together.
When this process of reintegration is done carefully, there
is a minimum of trauma. When done haphazardly, the pain can last for years, if
not a lifetime. I don’t know if you might be facing a disintegration or
reintegration, or are in the pain of grieving. Regardless of where you are,
take your time and be wise. Know that you are loved.
