Just Positive Comments On Relationships

As this is a vacation week, I am going to make sure that my post is about what goes right in a relationship rather than what can go wrong. Although both must be considered at times, I want my mind and spirit directed towards the positive.

As I get older and wiser, I am becoming more aware of wanting to make Nan happy, not just be willing to compromise my selfish desires. It’s a different motivation. I have heard that codependents actually operate from a selfish place, wanting to make others happy so that they can feel happy, or at least free of stress. That’s not the same thing as wanting to truly see another filled with joy.

I am hoping that this has not been a struggle for you. I know that for some it is not. Or perhaps this was easier when the relationship first began, but things have changed. I do know this: as a couple when you have the other person’s happiness as your goal, when both of you try to out love your mate, it is likely you both will also feel personally joyful.

What this requires, of course, is being a student of your partner. It requires studying them and really knowing the things that make them happy. What are on their list of favorites? I am not just talking about material things, but experiences and interests and colors and entertainment choices, etc. What does he like to read (does he like to read)? What is her love language?  

Nan loves to stare at water – any water: beach, lake, stream, river. If I want to make her happy on vacation, it will include some kind of water. She knows for me that a vacation must include an opportunity for solitude. A high-rise hotel just won’t make it for me. Shopping is not important for either one of us (except food), but don’t deprive us of good coffee. We know this about each other and try to plan accordingly.

When a couple is able to dream together, it creates intimacy. Can you dream with your partner and feel understood? It may be that your dreams are not always aligned, but can you lend energy to your partner’s vision even if you cannot support it? When Nan and I dream together there is a point where we become divergent, but we try to stay with the parts where we can agree.

Have you ever asked your partner what makes them happy? Have they ever asked you? I know some of you out their want your partner to “just know”. But it is a fair question, especially if you really want to be known. Don’t get mad or be frustrated by that question. It may not seem that romantic, but neither is having a mate that misses the mark all the time. This is an important aspect of good communication.  

One last comment about vacation. I know at least several couples that get along so well on vacation, but struggle at home. Whatever you tend to do on vacation that makes the difference needs to be figured out. And then do your best to make the necessary changes. It might just be as simple as carving out a few minutes each day to talk to each other.  

Back Off! I’m Just Trying to Survive

This month I am going to turn sixty-six years old. You have no idea how strange that sounds to my ears. It’s like someone looked at me and said “Hey Dave, you just turned into a wheelbarrow.” What!

But something even stranger occurred to me this last week as I drove up to our staff  retreat in the mountains. I was struck with the realization that I have been living my life in survival mode. Another way of saying that might be “living with a hyper-vigilant perspective”.  Maybe you can relate as well.

This is common for people who experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but how about the rest of us who have not gone through war or extreme circumstances? I have been around people who have experienced these things, but I haven’t personally. Or have I? Nan has always maintained that anxious or critical parents produce anxious children and particularly self-critical children. Does this atmosphere produce trauma-like symptoms as well?

I am not especially concerned about personal safety issues on a daily basis – I am a pretty trusting person. I also don’t tend to get angry unless pushed pretty hard. So where does it affect me?

• I am always looking ahead to any commitment that I must fulfill, not with joy, but with anxiety and concern. And mind you, I love my family, friends, church and co-workers. This makes life harder for Nan since she has to live my anxiety with me. 

• Every purchase feels more like a loss than a gain. Therefore there is no real fun in shopping. I operate with an attitude of scarcity rather than abundance and that is just soul-killing. It makes generosity all the more difficult. 

• Being “in the moment” is difficult because I have the feeling that I must be alert to changes in the environment. Satisfaction comes after something is finished, not while it is happening. 

• Decisions become difficult because every one seems pregnant with “what if” scenarios that could end up badly or with loss. Risks seem unreasonable or even unimaginable and opportunities have been lost that could have turned out really positive.    

I think what is really difficult for me is that many people can’t understand and empathize with this perspective very well, but are more likely to criticize and challenge these fears in a negative manner. I am afraid I might even have done that with clients and that makes me sad.

But I also had another epiphany that day. “God is in control”. I know that sounds like a really “Christianese” kind of an answer, and it is. But it doesn’t make it any less true. That doesn’t mean that everything is going to turn out the way I wish it would. What it does do for me is to remind me to surrender the things I can’t control, but know that doesn’t mean they are unnoticed. I am His beloved. I am forgiven. I am precious. That means that I can rest in the moment.

Are you like me? Or at least similar in some other way? Or are you one of those leaders that has no clue what I am talking about and has never experienced the kind of fear I am describing? Be gentle with those who suffer differently than you do. Your turn will come, but probably in another way.

All of you therapists who are reading my post are probably having a ball diagnosing me. Have at it – that’s what we do sometimes!

Taking Shortcuts

Are you tempted to take shortcuts like I am?

When I was first married, Nan and I took a driving vacation around California with a side trip to Reno, Nevada. My daily driver was almost identical to the vehicle above – a camper-converted 1960 Ford Vanette. Our subculture was in full swing and this was a very cool ride at the time. However, it was designed for city deliveries, not open road travel. Hence, it was pretty under-powered with a straight six and three on the tree (ask your parents if you need to).

I thought it would be a great idea to take a shortcut across the Sierra Nevada mountains and save some time. Umm, wrong. The climb was steep and we only barely made it on one leg of the road – I think Nan had to get out and push. It may have been a dirt road – I can’t remember. We didn’t see another vehicle the whole time. Anyway, not a way to impress my new bride.

I get in trouble with other shortcuts as well. I try to simplify complicated instructions – I mean, are all those steps REALLY necessary for success? I don’t need ALL the ingredients for a particular recipe, do I? Do I need to wait that long before a second coat of paint? And that primer coat was just a suggestion, right? Maybe you can relate.

We can take relational shortcuts too. After a break in trust there are certain things that need to be done for restoration. It might mean giving your spouse complete access to everything including all your emails, your cell phone, all your social media – everything. Are you willing to surrender your right to privacy? Are you ready to make restitution for any wrong you did? Or do you just want to act like nothing happened? That’s a shortcut.

Some other shortcuts:

• Avoiding premarital preparation
• Having sex before marriage
• Buying things on credit rather than saving for them
• Expecting people to do things for you that you can do for yourself
• Taking action before thinking through a problem
• Engaging in risky weight loss schemes rather than having a long term plan
• Cheating on tests, or copying other people’s answers
• Engaging in illegal pursuits for personal or monetary gains

To drive this point home, today I installed a garbage disposer. It looked pretty much like the one I was replacing. It fit well so I hooked up the plumbing and electrical and everything looked great and it spun around like a champ. I fired up the dishwasher that had been waiting with dishes for a couple of days, but it didn’t drain. Looking at step 15 and 16 on the installation guide (which I ignored), it said:

IMPORTANT “When installing dishwasher drain, knock out plastic plug prior to installing drain hose. 

Enough said.

Don't Make Me Go To Counseling

 We are fortunate not to have to work with people mandated by the court system to be in counseling. The closest we ever get is evaluating a couple for an adoption or foster care agency. But there is a significant difference. The couple is there because they have a positive goal in mind, even though they may not love the process.

The same might be said of other kinds of counseling clients. I must say that when I entered counseling with Nan my resistance was high. I did not freely choose the counseling at the time, but was “coerced” by her counselor. Outwardly I was compliant, but inwardly I was pretty defended. I have real empathy for people who feel like I did back then. It can be stressful not knowing what to expect or what might be required of you. I like to remind clients that they always have a choice whether to continue.

Now that I counsel, I have a lot of compassion for counselors as well. Working with resistant clients is challenging because even though you envision a positive outcome for them, they may not see it. It’s a lot like presenting the Christian faith. You’ve experienced all the gains, but the other person might only see losses.

The longer I counsel, and the shorter my remaining time to work professionally with people, the more inclined I am to only work with those who actually want to grow and change. Except for grief counseling, which is different, I am less interested in just hearing people complain, with no intention of taking positive action. I think that when venting feelings is the goal, it might be best accomplished with a safe prayer partner who can empathize and encourage. Sometimes we need that until we are ready to take action steps. But the work of counseling is transformation, whether of self or relationship or family or work.

Successful clients understand this. We have found a few things that seem to be common to these clients.

• They do the homework
• They read books relevant to their journey
• They are persistent and hungry for growth
• They listen
• They take constructive criticism seriously

So does this mean that I am not open to hearing complaints? Of course not. Processing pain and discouragement and frustration and fear with people is a staple of counseling. It is a necessary part of counseling in order to move beyond those things. It is when the only purpose is to vent or hold someone else’s change as the goal that I want to refer a client on to someone else who might work better with them.

Does this sound heartless? I hope not. My deep desire is that people get better, live more satisfying lives, feel safe, receive love and love well in return.