tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52402189030533236662012-01-22T22:50:30.725-08:00This is our forum for all things related to counseling and relationship coachingDave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.comBlogger941100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-14722946400243572592012-01-21T10:51:00.000-08:002012-01-22T22:38:26.879-08:00

A while ago we were hanging out with my father-in­­­­­-law waiting for something (I can’t remember what it was), but he seemed agitated. Nan asked him if he was in a hurry. On reflecting about it for a second he answered: “No, I’m not really in a hurry, I’m just impatient.” It has become one of those answers that we both remember when we approach things throughout the day. How often

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-87704418291967161182012-01-13T21:13:00.000-08:002012-01-14T08:50:13.437-08:00

When we talk about expectations, in terms of relationships, we are usually referring to the behavioral aspects of a relationship; the roles that we are assuming the other will play and the rules that they will follow when we are united.  But, I’ve found that people not only have subconscious expectations of what a person should “do”, but often also who they should ‘be’ or become. This can be

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-24816945029347028192012-01-07T11:16:00.000-08:002012-01-07T11:18:30.297-08:00

It is hard to see any positive in the midst of a loss, especially when it is sudden and of a very deep nature. All we can see at the moment is a void without limits and inescapable pain. Worse yet, it may be accompanied by no explanation and no possibility of discovering one. Yet God often does something for us at these moments. He protects our minds from the full force of the loss until we

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-78338689266187669512011-12-31T12:46:00.000-08:002011-12-31T12:47:20.163-08:00

One of the frequent complaints I hear from our young women around our church goes something like this: “Why won’t the guys step forward and ask us girls out on a date. We have some really great ladies around here.” From the guys I hear something like this: “With a lot of the girls in our community, I feel like I’m being measured for a suit I’m not sure I want to wear. I’m afraid it

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-40911988790169861122011-12-23T23:01:00.000-08:002011-12-23T23:22:20.796-08:00

Last night at my men’s group (going for about 17 years now, I think), the question came up about the best things about marriage and the most challenging.  Over the years we have asked this question several times of the married guys. Most of us are veterans of long marriages, but sometimes there are guys who have been married more recently. What is interesting is that there are always similar

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-37346799753895396632011-12-17T11:45:00.000-08:002011-12-17T11:46:12.980-08:00

As I was sitting in front of another young squabbling couple the other day I thought to myself, “Life is so short. Do you really want to spend this precious time arguing over relatively minor issues, when you could be enjoying the one and only life you have?” Then I thought, “I wonder how many people have thought that about me, when I complained about something inconsequential.” These

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-78514875849917728842011-12-10T09:56:00.001-08:002011-12-10T10:04:59.240-08:00

It was five o’clock at the Martin house. All of a sudden Mrs. Martin noticed the time. “Quick, kids. Your dad will be home soon. We have to pick everything up - now.” The urgency in her voice was unmistakable. If the house didn’t look near perfect when her husband got home she knew they would likely have a bad evening. This is just one example of an unsafe home. Over the years I have

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-30231038825538464042011-12-03T10:48:00.001-08:002011-12-05T18:17:51.524-08:00

By now almost everyone is aware of what is called the “holiday blues” – waves of sadness that overtake people who have: experienced losses in their lives around the holidays; or who have become acutely aware of the people, finances, or relationships that have disappeared or never existed. Our tendency when we encounter these people can be to do one or two things that are not helpful. The

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1Eagle Rock, Los Angeles, CA, USA34.1322469 -118.211725734.1061019 -118.2510362 34.1583919 -118.1724152tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-37574842279519132212011-11-25T19:13:00.001-08:002011-11-25T19:18:09.000-08:00

Every year on the way home from vacation Nan and I ask the same question of each other. How do we preserve our ‘vacation feeling’ as long as possible? Of course the reality is usually the same. It fades pretty quickly once we get back into the work day world. But some years we are able to do better than others. One year Nan spent a large part of vacation working through Gordon MacDonald’

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-51242894347658743412011-11-19T11:10:00.001-08:002011-12-29T19:46:51.199-08:00

When you think of the word ‘quality’, what comes to mind for you? I think of concepts like value, excellence, worth, weightiness and the like. These words all describe positive or desirable characteristics. I easily apply the concept of quality to the things in my life that I want to acquire. What I am really saying is that I desire ‘high or good’ quality in the things that surround me. It

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-71311922304447289272011-11-11T18:51:00.001-08:002011-11-12T08:34:14.202-08:00

I was thinking today about all the political debates already in full swing, how they often produce a lot of emotional interactions among people. Some people really enjoy the discourse, while others are offended or become negatively reactive. The same thing can happen in other areas of relationship as well. I would ask a question of you. How easily offended are you, or how argumentative are

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-29243430097334402122011-11-05T10:17:00.000-07:002011-11-05T10:17:27.285-07:00

I think most everyone has heard of Stephen Covey's “Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People” - a huge bestseller, especially in the business world. In the preface of a more current book “Principle Centered Leadership”, he notes his brother John's (a master teacher) list of seven habits of highly ineffective people. Although the list is generally intended to be applied to business situations, I

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-28027729570930213502011-10-29T10:41:00.000-07:002011-10-29T19:52:07.505-07:00

There is some recent solid research that points to the effectiveness of non-counseling, non-medication interventions in improving the overall mental, physical and spiritual well-being of our lives. These are called “Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes” (TLC's) Some will be very familiar to you, but perhaps what may not be as well known is the degree of effectiveness that these lifestyle changes can

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-77377528311706994492011-10-22T12:15:00.000-07:002011-10-23T18:44:14.213-07:00

Have you ever spent a good deal of time with someone and then left feeling like you have no deeper knowledge of them? Or have you shared a vulnerable moment with someone and afterwards you have no clue as to what they are thinking or feeling, and that your story did not “move” them in any way? You may be with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Or perhaps I may be describing you.

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-60521489615485487062011-10-15T11:04:00.000-07:002011-10-15T20:22:38.216-07:00

J was the mother of two good children and the wife of a decent guy. From the outside everything looked like a happy family. But behind closed doors it was anything but. J’s overpowering need for everything to be right (according to her standards) was driving everyone away. And the worst thing about it was that she couldn't see it. Her interpretation was that she was saddled with a lazy and

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0Los Angeles, CA, USA34.0522342 -118.243684933.6312602 -118.87539890000001 34.4732082 -117.6119709tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-26482357757978521132011-10-08T10:33:00.000-07:002011-10-08T21:21:17.062-07:00

I was just thinking how Jesus talked in parables – stories, in order to communicate at a deeper and perhaps more memorable level. Often these parables were able to trigger more intense emotions, like the workers who got paid the same whether they worked one hour or all day. He also used symbols, like water (drink of THIS living water and you will never thirst again).  In a similar way we

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-89258520014598286742011-10-01T23:08:00.000-07:002011-10-01T23:08:57.135-07:00

These last four days Nan and I have spent at a Christian counseling conference in Nashville, Tennessee. In some ways it was overwhelming: travel stressors, change of sleeping conditions, meals caught when practical, unfamiliar surroundings, etc. And then there was the sheer quantity of input of information, sound, crowds, and the size and scope of the venue. But on the flip side were

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-33619040185923732282011-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:002011-09-24T10:47:16.127-07:00

I remember a time halfway through our process of being counseled when I reached a point where I was ready to give up. We were about a year into it, and it seemed that no matter what I did or how diligent I was, it was not going to be enough for Nan. She seemed like a bottomless pit of needs and wants from me. As a man who had a high need to feel adequate (like all men), I was becoming

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-84482767032272061952011-09-17T12:20:00.000-07:002011-09-18T07:16:29.748-07:00

One of the things I most appreciate about our vacations is the space it provides for tuning out the extraneous noise of life and tuning in to what is more important. On our last three vacations not once did we turn on a television, even for a moment.  Instead, we talked to each other, read books together and spent time dreaming together. Now, in all fairness, since last October we have also

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-42016367872036677972011-09-10T09:05:00.000-07:002011-09-10T09:12:32.683-07:00

“You’re just like your mother!” “You’re just like your father!” How many times have these phrases been hurled, not as a compliment, but as an expression of contempt? In every relationship there are certain things that should be “off the table”. These are oHOHHsubjects or phrases or actions that are simply too inflammatory or hurtful. If I cross the line on these, I may do irreparable

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-9510542385333890062011-09-03T10:51:00.000-07:002011-09-10T09:57:06.708-07:00

Anxiety may be the most common byproduct of living in this fast-paced and complicated culture. I am sure that every generation has had to deal with its particular set of stressors back to the dawn of man. But what might set apart our more current generations is the intangible quality of many of the fears and threats that we have to face. There just seems to be more and more things that we

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-76561185844788151902011-08-26T19:16:00.000-07:002011-08-26T19:28:16.996-07:00

I think one of the hardest things to do is admit the areas of our life that are flawed and in need of rehabilitation. There are parts of my personality that I was either born with or developed over my lifetime that I wish weren’t there. There are two ways to deal with them – one works and the other doesn’t. The first way is the path of blame; to see my issues as other people’s problems.

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-30650712136784108202011-08-19T21:43:00.000-07:002011-08-20T10:21:03.263-07:00

In keeping with the theme of “simplicity”, Nan and I are foregoing checked baggage on our vacation this year and flying with only what we are permitted to carry on with us. We have pared down our list of clothes and things to the essentials, the necessary. I thought: “What a great metaphor for entering into marriage!” What if we could begin our married life taking with us only the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1Los Angeles, CA 90041, USA34.1406554 -118.208801334.1143709 -118.24828330000001 34.1669399 -118.1693193tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-61214680797059957072011-08-13T10:44:00.000-07:002011-08-13T11:47:24.384-07:00

Not all drunkenness comes from overindulgence in substances (drugs, alcohol). Everyone has heard the term “drunk with power”. There are many ways to lose our sobriety. The dictionary defines sober this way: “marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor: unhurried, calm: marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness: subdued in tone or color: showing no

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-32003731566327517362011-08-05T21:39:00.000-07:002011-08-05T22:54:46.275-07:00

Mindfulness is a word we often use in a spiritual context as in “Practicing the Presence of God” (Brother Lawrence). It refers to maintaining an awareness of God in our daily lives. But I also think that it is a valid concept in other love relationships as well. How would I be if I was practicing mindfulness with my wife? I would really listen when she spoke. I would try to anticipate

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-58682683270504581522011-07-30T10:06:00.000-07:002011-08-05T22:55:50.646-07:00

I was reading through a list of acronyms Alcoholics Anonymous uses to remember concepts and was most struck by one in particular. DETACH – Don’t Even Think About Changing Him/Her. Sometimes during counseling, a client will ask for clarification on what “loving detachment” looks like (a solution CODA suggests). Explanation is needed because it is often inaccurately interpreted as “

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-58444620700205735612011-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:002011-08-05T22:57:05.525-07:00

As I study to improve my skills and understanding as a counselor, it always leads me into a place of self-examination. If I cannot allow the things I learn to affect my own life, how can I expect it of others? It would be kind of like listening to a sermon in church and constantly elbowing the person next to you. There is a passage in the Bible that is generally considered to be one of the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-51186544465245912702011-07-16T10:35:00.000-07:002011-07-16T10:35:27.136-07:00

A friend this week asked me to write about accountability. It’s a word that is thrown around a lot in both Christian and recovery circles. What is implied and how should one respond if asked to be in an accountability relationship? In recovery terms, it is a more formal relationship, where a person volunteers to be a ‘sponsor’ to a less recovered individual. In moments of weakness, the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-42945077536795515512011-07-09T10:25:00.000-07:002011-07-09T14:53:41.374-07:00

In the mid to late 1960’s was the television comedy show “Get Smart” (yes, I was a teenager). The plot was basically spy vs. spy – with the organization named “CONTROL” being the good guys and “KAOS” being the evil opponents. I think it is a great metaphor for what many people might believe – that control is good and chaos is bad. Why would I think that control is good? Simple – it appears to

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-24032274063744781282011-07-02T10:46:00.000-07:002011-07-02T23:04:32.070-07:00

Early in our marriage Nan and I were really good at conflict. Well, let me restate that. We had a lot of it and it had a lot of energy. The problem was, not much of it got resolved, or at least got resolved without a lot of hurt feelings and lingering wounds. Why? We failed to see a distinction between our feelings and our emotions (along with a whole list of other things related to our

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-14066889370082642702011-06-25T10:35:00.000-07:002011-06-25T10:35:47.137-07:00

Whenever I begin to feel overwhelmed in my work life, the first thing I do is organize my desk. I don’t know about you, but when my mental world is in disarray, I try to control my physical one. I can usually do this in a few minutes and it somehow settles my inner world. For some people this is not an easy task. Their physical space is so cluttered that the thought of bringing order to it

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-81878077761324625162011-06-18T10:20:00.000-07:002011-06-19T22:57:49.214-07:00

I love my job at C.A. (so does Nan). It is what I believe God designed me to do. It is challenging and satisfying and I love the people I work with. So when I feel myself pulling back from it or getting irritable, I know something is wrong. A few years back Nan & I invited Dr. Richard Swenson to speak at Christian Assembly. He is the author of a book entitled “Margin: Restoring Emotional,

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-88906434428259342172011-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:002011-06-11T10:48:25.926-07:00

I heard an interesting statement on the radio the other day. “Most people die at 25 years old but aren’t buried until sometime after 65.” Wow! Creepy! I think what is implied is that most people lose the intense passion for life that young adults feel. Of course this is a generalization, but it made me consider what might be true for many of us. What takes away this desire – or more accurately,

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-25576309486587599172011-06-04T10:31:00.001-07:002011-06-04T16:55:03.607-07:00

The 12 step process of Alcoholics Anonymous is almost universally accepted as the premier method for dealing with addictions. It has been around for over 75 years and has traveled the world. As I read through the steps again I realized how some could stand alone as wisdom for those not directly dealing with addictions, but as principles for gaining moral, emotional and spiritual health. If you

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0Los Angeles, CA, USA34.0522342 -118.243684933.7354072 -118.50012840000001 34.369061200000004 -117.9872414tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-79235109599206149912011-05-27T22:27:00.000-07:002011-05-29T07:46:55.854-07:00

I wonder if you are like me when it comes to certain issues?  Do you assume that there are “givens” when facing trials in your life?  These might be accepting limitations or perhaps doing some negative labeling of self (stupid, lazy, inadequate).  But did you ever consider challenging those assumptions? ANTS – Automatic Negative Thought(S) may be the problem. We all have them – those fleeting

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-79986487224737930722011-05-21T10:00:00.000-07:002011-05-22T17:27:02.227-07:00

I had always thought that fairness shouldn’t be a big deal in relationships. After all, aren’t we supposed to be self-sacrificing and willing to suffer for our mate? Aren’t we called to prefer one another in love, and give 100%? Won’t God be proud of us now, and “even the score” one day? Well – yes. But is that sufficient for a vitalized relationship now? I'm not quite so sure anymore. There are

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-91395630059807902252011-05-13T23:40:00.000-07:002011-05-13T23:40:28.792-07:00

I woke up the other morning from a dream with this thought: “You have been living most of your life with a survivor mindset.” It was a disturbing realization and I really didn’t know what to do with it. I wondered how my life had been altered because of it. As I thought, I came up with a few things that I know to be true. I have not been as generous with my time, talent, or treasure as I could

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-62448372799371388132011-05-07T10:26:00.000-07:002011-05-07T17:05:06.973-07:00

I was really saddened to see an article from a (married) major mental health professional agreeing with an actress who claims that marriage is a dying institution (as if the Hollywood types are the experts on marriage or committed relationships). He gave four reasons why he thought this was true. 1. The government is involved and shouldn’t be. It makes marriage too confining. 2. Oral

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-6255447054008549962011-04-30T10:53:00.000-07:002011-04-30T10:53:20.383-07:00

Recently we shifted the emphasis on the marriage prep class we teach at our church from pre-marrieds to pre-engaged couples. Often couples were coming to our class at the very last stage of their engagement just prior to marriage (some couples even missed a class because their wedding fell on one of the class dates). Although we welcome everyone, we feel that serious couples should attend prior

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-63471348278918682592011-04-23T13:07:00.000-07:002011-04-23T13:08:49.685-07:00

Influenced by a mini seminar that Nan & I took this month, I have been concentrating on primary hurts and the resulting wounds that drive our fears, which in turn drives our coping mechanisms. What are you afraid of? Being alone (physically or emotionally)? Being controlled? Losing your identity (sense of self)? Being taken advantage of in relationships? Being unsafe? All of these fears will

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-52984015095674831572011-04-16T11:35:00.000-07:002011-04-18T12:03:22.580-07:00

Inspired by a friend’s post, I thought I better say some positive words about marriage. In my day, getting married was a no-brainer. It was just part of the natural progression of life. It was accepted as a good thing and most everyone expected to get there sooner rather than later. What followed was an era of radical social upheaval that has left a lot of people confused about marriage, its

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-22104067812756350232011-04-08T20:07:00.000-07:002011-04-18T12:04:40.983-07:00

One of the things that seems to fade away in some marriages is the fun. It’s what we may have most looked forward to when we first met – the expectation of time together engaged in pleasurable pursuit.  But as the years go by and life gets busier and more complicated (and kids enter the picture), those times seem to be fewer and get farther apart. And some of the benefit of marriage begins to

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-56200261997086517102011-04-02T11:18:00.000-07:002011-04-18T12:05:14.145-07:00

There are few situations that cause as much pain as the break-up of a marriage. So many factors are involved, especially if there are children. Often the individuals feel like failures, even when holding their partner at fault (a whole other subject). The feelings are confusing, the process is confusing, and the future is uncertain. And there can be a lot of moral confusion as well. This question

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-69296089086570835912011-03-26T11:10:00.000-07:002011-03-26T11:20:06.904-07:00

Often, during my counseling week, a kind of theme emerges and I find myself talking about the same concept frequently. I touched on this week’s theme briefly in last week’s post – the tendency to “split”, i.e.: seeing things in terms of all good/all bad. Why might we do this? I think it reduces our anxiety and makes us feel safe. If we can judge something or someone in this polarized manner then

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-14785843646658976322011-03-19T10:48:00.000-07:002011-03-19T10:48:41.381-07:00

Have you ever known someone who seems unable to have a normal conversation without constantly injecting it with “God-talk”? If you are like me you probably get a bit uncomfortable – not because of the subject of spirituality, but because of the inappropriateness of the person. I am not sure if they are trying to reach me in some way, or if they need to constantly reassure or convince themselves (

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-45794811467744446352011-03-12T10:34:00.000-08:002011-04-18T12:02:46.966-07:00

Although many of us may come from emotionally disconnected families, some of us come from inappropriately connected ones. This might be the result of a “too close” bond with one of our parents. In her book “Emotional Incest”, Dr. Pat Love provides this checklist to help us determine if we are a “chosen child”. I felt closer to one parent than the other. I was a source of emotional

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-32984845205282815642011-03-05T00:04:00.000-08:002011-03-05T10:42:50.078-08:00

A few years back there was a popular bumper-sticker that read: “Whoever dies with the most toys, wins.” I always thought “Wins what?” The Peter Pan award for never having to grow up? In my experience the person with the most toys had the most debt. Then there was another declaration circulating that said: “The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.” Really – that’s the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-50021632363468173362011-02-26T11:31:00.000-08:002011-02-26T11:53:19.536-08:00

No, I’m not talking about high blood pressure. That’s physical and not the focus of this blog. I’m talking about a relationship killer.  Dr. John Gottman calls it ‘stonewalling’ – I call it an emotional freeze-out. When a conflict has gotten out of hand and has escalated to the point of intense anger and no progress, a withdrawal and cool down is a wise move. It can help prevent a relationship

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-69094959635981641452011-02-19T10:58:00.000-08:002011-02-19T10:58:44.906-08:00

Years ago I remember a struggle taking place within me – a battle for my heart, mind and soul. In a nutshell, it was the pull between two worldviews. Which would win: the secular or the sacred? If I followed my feelings, I would go with the secular. However, if I followed my values I would have to side with my Christian upbringing. Psychologists call this condition “cognitive dissonance”. It is

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-38115678429388333562011-02-12T10:54:00.000-08:002011-05-29T22:12:45.640-07:00

One of the most common and insidious issues that counselors deal with is that of depression. Sometimes it is really hard to recognize and at other times obvious but challenging to treat. There are times when it is very deep, but temporary as opposed to less significant, but pervasive. Here are some myths and truths about depression that can help you to navigate through the muddy waters, largely

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-39700780580480597062011-02-05T11:16:00.000-08:002011-04-18T12:04:07.138-07:00

When I first started to counsel I thought the bulk of my work related to sex would be helping people to stay within bounds, or guiding them back after taking a walk on the wild side. Although that still is a big issue, I did not fully realize that there is a whole other side to the subject – that of low-sex or no-sex marriages. And it is an equal opportunities issue. There seem to be as many

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-40413301824268232602011-01-29T10:35:00.000-08:002011-01-29T10:35:22.722-08:00

          I was driving down Santa Monica Blvd. the other day and I saw a billboard (I hate billboards, but that’s another story) put up for the U.S. Marines. It stated:            “A commitment to something greater than themselves.”           I was thinking what a good description that is of a vitalized couple, family, business or church.           It is also often hard to achieve. Why? Without

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-81874370115158585452011-01-22T10:04:00.000-08:002011-01-22T10:04:00.551-08:00

          This year a good friend is moving to another state, and that is just so wrong! Well, wrong for me, anyway.             Living in Los Angeles, it seems that people around me make major changes all the time. Not just the normal ones like getting married and having kids or changing jobs, but really significant changes that move them out of my daily life.           So, how well

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-24075657903423168372011-01-15T11:43:00.000-08:002011-01-16T14:33:35.561-08:00

           We had a bird (a cockatiel) for almost 20 years – until this last Christmas when it saw a chance for freedom and took it. A too-slowly closed door became the portal for a new life. Once out he flew with all his might, over the neighbor's house and away. Our search was fruitless for a while, but then I heard him chirping (screaming) in the distance. He had flown back toward home and was

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-39484317444042272652011-01-07T20:53:00.000-08:002011-01-07T20:53:16.837-08:00

A friend of mine suggested that a “word for the year” be adopted as a kind of guiding concept for 2011. I decided that I would reach back and dust off an old one that I have inadvertently lost touch with in a meaningful way. The word is SIMPLICITY.             Complexity. That is the opposite and pretty much defines life as we know it in the present era. Many years ago it was predicted by some ‘

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-12055450446957775332010-12-31T18:54:00.000-08:002010-12-31T18:54:05.428-08:00

            All week Nan has been handing out “homework assignments” to clients as an end of the year exercise. It consists of writing a letter to God detailing all the things that one is thankful for in 2010 and prayer requests for 2011. The purpose is to be able to look back sometime in the new year and see which prayers have been answered as a way to build faith.             But I was thinking

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-23849983398563797262010-12-24T10:42:00.000-08:002010-12-24T10:42:19.580-08:00

             I have always thought it interesting that places of worship see increased attendance during holidays. Do people suddenly “get religious”? I don’t think so. But people obviously see a value in making time to be present at these gatherings.             For some it is simply tradition. In some fashion it connects us to our history, our culture, family, and childhood. It has no more

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-4718025876036738752010-12-18T08:17:00.000-08:002010-12-18T08:17:13.327-08:00

‘Tis the season to be jolly. What a great thought that is for most of us. And sometimes what a challenge that can be in the midst of the busyness.  But how about the rest of the year? Until just recently I have been suffering from a lack of sleep. I tried to do all the right things to correct the problem, but somehow it just never seemed to work. So what changed for me? I have no idea, I just

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-53837519474694946732010-12-10T22:09:00.000-08:002010-12-10T22:09:56.091-08:00

So the other day I heard, once again, an exasperated leader talking about counseling people in their care. “I don’t get it. It’s should be so easy. You listen to their story, tell them what they need to do, and then check back with them to make sure they did it. That, along with getting more into the Word and being transparent with a small group for ongoing accountability.” Of course, then I ask

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-32208586875965417522010-12-04T08:26:00.000-08:002010-12-04T10:59:16.171-08:00

“Grateful, Grateful, Grateful” sung by our Generations Choir stuck in the hearts and heads of so many of those who attended our Thanksgiving services. That phrase was posted over and over again on Facebook the next day. There is something so powerful about maintaining this attitude that it became a foundational principle of the 12 steps of AA and other recovery programs. Being spared a life of

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-21074005690226708992010-11-26T22:31:00.000-08:002010-11-26T22:31:35.345-08:00

Last week I ended by saying we must become a safe and trustworthy person. In reflection I realized that it might not be clear to everyone how that concept plays out in our lives. A few days ago I was having an emotional conversation with someone (imagine) and I said something that I wish I hadn’t. It probably went unnoticed, but I was instantly aware that given the opportunity to turn back the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-24956142186770047062010-11-20T10:15:00.000-08:002011-04-18T12:05:57.676-07:00

Last weekend was our church’s young adult retreat and the fourth time we have had the privilege to participate as team members during a time of individual focused prayer at this event. The process is simple – individuals who wish to be prayed for sign up for an appointment and teams of two people listen to their requests and then pray with them. What has become evident to me over the past four

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-55078922598714855122010-11-12T21:15:00.000-08:002010-11-12T21:15:31.121-08:00

Every once in a while I am accused of being selfish with my time. And I struggle within myself, trying to decide if it’s true. Usually the accuser is someone who is unhappy with a boundary I have set. For example I usually let my telephone message services pick up calls rather than keep my cell phone turned on. I struggle because I want to act with maturity and love.  But there is a distinct

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-30318772721944658922010-11-06T11:52:00.000-07:002010-11-06T11:52:15.184-07:00

Two ways we can define mental health is by the degree with which are living in reality, no matter how painful, and by the degree that we take responsibility for our own lives, no matter how difficult. The challenge in this is that first we must be able to recognize reality through the cloud of messages that we have received starting early in our childhood, and the database of assumptions (perhaps

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-24360200562613223982010-10-30T10:39:00.000-07:002010-10-30T12:10:40.107-07:00

The reason I post on Saturday morning is the same reason I do my best as a salesman (these days called account representatives) to show up on the same day at nearly the same time week after week, month after month, year after year. It is based on my well-known axiom (at least to my clients). Consistency over time = Trust I want you, as a reader, to trust that if you visit this page there will be

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-83251686147381249892010-10-23T10:42:00.001-07:002010-11-28T22:58:41.612-08:00

There is this cat that has been coming around our house recently that we have semi-adopted. Well, actually, the most honest version of this story is that the cat is training us to feed him. The cat will now come and jump on my lap and “allow” me to pet him in anticipation of a food reward. Why a cat story in this posting? Glad you asked. There are two things that make this cat uncomfortable:

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-87647976774876141492010-10-16T11:57:00.000-07:002010-10-16T22:05:37.120-07:00

I think much of the new technology is marvelous – cell phones, text messages, gps, and so much more. But I am convinced that all technological advances must be examined and evaluated for the impact it will have on our lives. The goal, of course, is to add value to our lives – to facilitate positive changes and/or free us up from negative ones. What I have seen increasingly in people’s lives, and

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-30181296273835079572010-10-09T10:31:00.000-07:002010-10-09T10:31:59.617-07:00

One of the places where we can get emotionally or relationally stuck is when we are unaware of what we call secondary gains. These are benefits that are derived from remaining trapped in a particular situation or mindset. For example: A relationship has long ended, but we continue to talk about it every chance we get, or we continue to pursue the relationship with telephone calls & emails well

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-79829470927293719992010-10-02T10:44:00.000-07:002010-10-09T10:48:24.687-07:00

Have you ever been in the middle of a fight (or argument) and after awhile forgotten what you were fighting about? I know we have. We've gotten so wrapped up in wanting to be heard that the issue became secondary. And so we really were fighting about the way we were fighting. This is such a common occurrence that people often end up in counseling precisely for this issue. They cannot even see

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-35041318513132652262010-09-25T12:07:00.000-07:002010-09-25T12:07:39.024-07:00

The nicest clients I work with are from the group we call “people pleasers”. They often seek counseling readily, and are very faithful at attending and doing the “homework” that is assigned (after all, they also want to please me, the counselor). But lasting change for people pleasers is often more difficult. There are many voices in their lives calling out to them to satisfy relational demands –

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-37099249034638839812010-09-17T19:29:00.000-07:002010-09-17T19:29:53.998-07:00

The other day I was in my car getting ready to drive to work As I pushed down on the accelerator pedal the engine noise increased dramatically – but I didn’t move. Absentmindedly, I had moved the selector lever to “neutral” instead of “drive”. I think worry is a lot like that. My brain is running, it’s making a lot of noise, (maybe even overheating) but I’m going nowhere. It even feels like I’m

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-38700477772842711862010-09-10T20:57:00.000-07:002011-04-18T12:07:57.678-07:00

One of the reasons we try to establish counseling goals in the first session is so that we know that we are in agreement as to what should happen over the course of the counseling. This is particularly important when the client is a couple. Couples mostly hold the same goals (usually increase communication and reduce conflict), but do not necessarily see the solutions as the same. As a counselor,

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-78618992019014715932010-09-04T11:28:00.000-07:002010-09-04T11:28:49.993-07:00

Do you ever feel like something’s missing, that you lack something that others seem to have? Do you find yourself devoid of feelings and wonder why? Does it seem like others have a roadmap – they know where they’re going but you don’t? You wonder what’s wrong and more importantly – are you to blame? Most likely the problem is not something you caused or are responsible for, but there are missing

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-13030940997515050092010-08-28T14:43:00.000-07:002010-08-28T14:43:40.955-07:00

No, I am not going to start out by discounting feelings. That would mean I would lose at least half of you from the start (both men and women, in case you thought this was a sexist remark). And I would be placing myself at odds with God. The Bible talks about how God also feels (joy, anger, love, etc.). What I am talking about is somewhat different. Often I ask this question of a client: “Have

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-63907855885976408252010-08-25T12:27:00.000-07:002010-10-18T22:54:08.697-07:00

Whenever Nan & I go on vacation we always take along a stack full of ‘mentors’. Yes, we are talking about books (and CD’s & DVD’s). Some of the books we take along are fiction (who doesn’t enjoy a good Grisham on vacation). But we also take books that tend to help us re-create – after all, that’s what recreation is, right? Over the years the authors of these books have served as spiritual as

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-25978086981883340292010-08-21T00:15:00.000-07:002010-08-21T16:12:24.694-07:00

As anyone who has ever tried to break a habit knows, permanent change is not easy. As much as I would want to stop a particular behavior – the pull towards the familiar habit is strong. As Paul said in Romans: “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong.” Does this mean that change is not possible? No, not at all, but it does mean

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-36641716219451263702010-08-14T11:24:00.000-07:002010-08-14T11:24:13.249-07:00

Fear is a very powerful motivator. It can prompt us to react like almost nothing else can. It can be a life saver or a life killer. When real danger exists, it gives us the adrenaline boost necessary to get out of harms way. But when the danger is only perceived, it can cause us to do things that might actually put us in riskier situations. This is particularly true in relationships. Examples: My

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-79091191919076119372010-08-07T12:53:00.000-07:002010-08-07T22:26:57.477-07:00

I have always loved the game “Concentration”. Matched pairs of cards are shuffled and then individually placed face down on a table. The goal is to turn over pairs of cards and see if they match. If they do, then you keep them, if not, you turn them back over and continue turning over pairs of cards. The game is won when all the pairs have been matched. Sometimes people will come to me and ask if

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-44627988770736627642010-07-31T10:53:00.000-07:002010-07-31T10:53:14.497-07:00

Sometimes one of hardest challenges for a newly married couple is adjusting to the loss of individual status. Prior to the wedding there were still a lot of decisions that could be made without regard to any other input. However, once we say “I DO” we move to another life position. In other words we move from “I and me”, to “we and us”. Hopefully during the dating and engagement process we have

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-59139347678343010672010-07-24T11:07:00.000-07:002010-08-11T08:51:36.826-07:00

The other day I was waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green but the car in front of me didn’t move, so I gave a tap on the horn. The car began moving very slowly and I managed to pass on the left. I looked over and the driver was texting! Later that day I was in a small parking lot and the same type of thing happened. A car was blocking our lane and our ability to move. The woman in the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-58540331823469394502010-07-17T21:01:00.000-07:002010-07-17T21:01:21.553-07:00

Forgiveness is a word that conjures up a lot of different emotions for most people – particularly depending whether you are on the giving side or the receiving side of the equation. We are told that God requires us to forgive one another, but are there conditions that must be present? We say that holding on to un-forgiveness or resentments is like swallowing poison but expecting the other

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-18059886257509453902010-07-10T22:31:00.000-07:002010-07-11T09:16:39.884-07:00

It is very typical for someone to come to counseling when in a crisis situation. That is the time when a person has the most ‘felt need’ to seek some relief from pain or fear or loss. But the other condition under which people will seek help is when stuck in a chronic situation. A crisis is defined as: a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life. It usually has the

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-13314309734438065972010-07-03T23:32:00.000-07:002010-07-03T23:32:32.502-07:00

When we think about grief and grieving, we often think of the death of someone close to us. But that is not the only kind of grief that we experience. As a matter of fact we can go through grief when we experience any kind of loss – and the more significant the loss, the deeper the grief. Some of the losses are tangible, as in the death of a person or pet or the loss of a job or relationship. But

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-46539789312871248192010-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:002010-08-27T11:42:20.297-07:00

One of the necessary qualities of a good relationship (or just plain getting along with people in general) is the ability to be flexible. Relationships thrive when there is an attitude of openness, not just toward decisions, but also in ideas and perspective. Rigidity kills dialog, and dialog is necessary for mutual respect. And mutual respect is necessary for a close relationship. This does not

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-16945076977255031792010-06-19T12:16:00.000-07:002010-08-27T11:40:04.690-07:00

You might be familiar with the saying “Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to say it.” And it’s good advice. James 1:19,20 says: So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. But the phrase ‘slow to speak’ does not mean ‘do not speak’. Those of us who tend to shy away from

Dave and Nan Dhuethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-70300242255630727582010-06-13T13:25:00.000-07:002010-08-27T11:43:50.326-07:00

I have been thinking about the fears that single people have about making marriage commitments, lately. Here are some of the comments I have heard. “If it doesn’t work out, she’ll leave and take half of my stuff.” “I’m afraid that he’ll become another child I have to support” “She’s nice to me now, but once we get married, who knows?” “He pays attention to me now, but if we get married will he

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When the word ‘mission’ comes up, what do you normally see in your mind’s eye? Is it a long journey somewhere halfway around the world to work with the indigenous people? Or do you imagine a short journey to a desperately needy part of your city? Or do you think of the Blues Brothers or an adobe building somewhere in California? (just kidding) The truth is there are many different ways in which

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I have been reading and thinking about how our family of origin affects us in profound ways and influences so many of our decisions, emotions and as well as our overall level of anxiety. As much as I would like to believe that I have worked to be free from the negative pulls of my F of O, I can see how it still rears it’s persistent head when I am faced with higher levels of conflict. When an

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From Nan to Women:                                         Prov. 18:21 “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”             A while back I was sitting in my counseling room, stunned by a woman administering a scathing attack on her normal, reasonably good guy husband. It occurred to me to ask her, “If he said the exact same words to you, what would

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            No, it’s not “I love you”, although she wants to hear those words, too. She probably suspects that you do love her. What she really wants to hear is: “I was wrong. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?”             Yes, he wants to hear that from her too, but for some reason it often seems harder for him to utter those words. So what gets in the way of being ready to admit wrongdoing? Pride

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 I was struck by a statistic I heard at a seminar recently concerning unresolved conflict in marriages. The statistic was this:             69% of conflict in troubled marriages never gets resolved. Well, I thought, that makes sense. How can we have a good marriage if we can never resolve conflict? But the surprising statistic I heard was this:            69% of conflict in happy marriages never

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Have you ever been in the midst of a conflict and wondered why it got so heated? If you were to stop for a moment and think about it, the issue isn't all that big of a deal, really. So why does it feel so emotionally tense? It is very likely that you are adding (or subtracting) points. Let me explain. Let's say that the issue is a rather mild one. You left some clothes on the floor (again). 

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I've often asked myself why it is that we seem to treat those that are closest to us with the least amount of care. There are times when perfect strangers receive more friendliness and respect from me than my spouse does. It is sad. The only thing I can figure out is that perhaps my spouse is the safest relationship I have. I present the "most honest version" of who I am. But that isn't fair, is

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Hello church family and friends, new and old. Nan & I always seem to be slightly behind the curve with new technology  (still can't seem to rely on my cell phone, let alone texting) and so for most this blogging is old hat. But for us we are delighted to have a new way to communicate with you. It is our desire to have a forum that is related to relationships, counseling questions and a place

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