tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52402189030533236662024-03-13T03:18:37.825-07:00Dave & NanThis is our blog on our perspectives on counseling and life.Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.comBlogger329125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-43054390979768853442024-01-30T13:11:00.000-08:002024-02-03T22:35:06.674-08:00Is A Counselor An Umpire?<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeiWJiDJRM_5_xwB-XCgr89Zvsxvam2qIwRPsyMR-iaFOjGn7HTgYvQTpZWutlRWpJmMkn-eB2F_CU4sZqJWei2cTazSjVgOCn4hny-I1chwchdWTXbHj7L80u2rYfk2_xFUSzXvEIrdVHVywrqFtzHuJCPXdhkP-0OL7GYv-M609vEE3wcHAgAYPLX3Y/s2649/Umpire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1987" data-original-width="2649" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeiWJiDJRM_5_xwB-XCgr89Zvsxvam2qIwRPsyMR-iaFOjGn7HTgYvQTpZWutlRWpJmMkn-eB2F_CU4sZqJWei2cTazSjVgOCn4hny-I1chwchdWTXbHj7L80u2rYfk2_xFUSzXvEIrdVHVywrqFtzHuJCPXdhkP-0OL7GYv-M609vEE3wcHAgAYPLX3Y/w640-h480/Umpire.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>Umpire: A person to whose sole decision a controversy or question
between parties is referred; one agreed upon as a judge, arbiter, or
referee in case of conflict of opinions.</b></div>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Whenever law enforcement is called into a situation, eyewitnesses are
usually considered the least reliable sources of information. Why?
Because the accuracy of the eyewitness is a perception based on the
perspective from which they viewed the incident. The official
investigators who are called in try first to evaluate the evidence
that they can concretely identify.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The counselor is put in the same position when faced with a couple in
conflict. Often called in to help a couple settle a dispute, the
counselor must rely on opinions and perspectives from two different
sources, neither of which will be unbiased and entirely accurate. So
what can a counselor do?</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I have found that in most cases, the counselor can attempt to bring
some calmness to the situation by hearing each person out and trying
to act as mediator and direct a forward movement in the relationship.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Mediator: A person midway between two parties who establishes an
agreement or relationship between the parties; someone standing
between opposing persons as spokesman or reconciler.</b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">As I understand it, we, as Christians are tasked with being agents of
reconciliation (2 Cor 5:18). We cannot be judges over situations that
we have not observed directly. Yes, there are times during the
session that we might call out someone for their behavior in the
present moment. We might point out criticism or defensiveness or
contempt. But hopefully it is done with care for the relationship and
not communicated in a shaming manner.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">But we as counselors must do our best to remain as emotionally
unbiased as we can in order to mediate fairly despite our own
humanness. For us it is the teachings and wisdom of the Bible that
guides us in our efforts. But sometimes we fail. We might trigger on
our own unhealed places or over-identify with one of the clients.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">When counseling couples, humility is often a scarce commodity, and
blaming and defending is plentiful. The clients “work the
counselor” to get them to side with them, missing the goal of
moving forward with some form of win-win. It is understandable, but
not productive. So what is productive?</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">In most, but not all cases, helping each person fully hear and
empathize with their partner before moving toward a solution is a
starting point. It softens their hearts and positions them to be
capable of working on a resolution. Even when anger is appropriate,
it is never helpful when unrestrained. And helping them to hold
boundaries on intense feelings is the goal of the counselor.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">So think of your counselor more as a coach or mediator, not an
umpire.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Coach: One who instructs or trains.</b></p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-78238942251860945062022-12-27T11:12:00.002-08:002022-12-27T11:12:56.939-08:00The Road Back<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFliHX-wWeaIGVsuecam_AXwditKSAL8NSyUPVVc9xEUF95FVyVdW_yXbThS1wSmxmP0k4FSNc0Sqno7pVKshNreFEk3gp4HkEDQyuKRDr9Y56TLR-KdGM2vVovwvNodufrIxixeBl_BJqCR1CwR-9_bcJaLe8pAuZCNbVGqJojePzFtFVWS4x0OND/s1920/ROAD.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFliHX-wWeaIGVsuecam_AXwditKSAL8NSyUPVVc9xEUF95FVyVdW_yXbThS1wSmxmP0k4FSNc0Sqno7pVKshNreFEk3gp4HkEDQyuKRDr9Y56TLR-KdGM2vVovwvNodufrIxixeBl_BJqCR1CwR-9_bcJaLe8pAuZCNbVGqJojePzFtFVWS4x0OND/w640-h360/ROAD.webp" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p></p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
There will undoubtedly be an enormous amount written about the 2020
pandemic in the years to come. There already has been. There will be
studies and statistics about the damage done that will compare these
years to other times of civil disruptions. There will be predictions,
and some will turn out to be relatively accurate. In our field of
mental health I would expect the fallout from this trauma will be
lengthy and significant. The trauma in this case is not an event,
like a serious car accident, but one of deprivation.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
What were we deprived of?</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Many things. We could list physical comforts like products and
services, but those would probably be lower down on the list. What
will stand out, however, will be the effects of fear-based isolation
and all the uncertainty that surrounded us. And that isolation bubble
traveled with us, too – to shopping, workplaces, and gatherings of
any sort. Schools were shut down and went online as were so many
other institutions. We were deprived of familiar human interactions
and normalcy. As one person told me just this week, “Left by
myself, ‘beer-thirty’ got earlier and earlier.”</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
To add to the misery, we have been going through a season of social
and political unrest. We have treated people who don’t hold the
same opinions and health protocols as we do as enemies. We have
become afraid of each other. <i>Are you going to give me a
potentially fatal disease? </i>And in many instances ideology has
become more important than civility and spirituality. Our
fragmentation has become a huge problem. And the tragedy here is
that the only real source of emotional comfort is other people.
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The first will be last</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is expected that the last to fully recover will be first
responders, healthcare workers, clergy, counselors, caregivers and a
myriad of other leaders. They are all in a group of people who have
had to make decisions and navigate through the uncertainty without a
map – all while managing their own anxieties. Their recovery will
begin when everyone else is taken care of, possibly two years
delayed. There has been enormous stress on these leaders to keep
people from giving in to fear and detaching from community. I have
seen up close the damage done to leaders by scared and angry people.
Even though these leaders understand intellectually, emotionally they
have felt betrayed, misunderstood, and judged harshly.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
What you can do?</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">It is time to “re-friend” people. We cannot thrive emotionally if
we don’t move in this direction. Start with a fearless moral
inventory. Where have you forgotten who you are? Where have you acted
out of character? Who do you need to apologize to? Do you need to
confess, repent or make amends? These are all intentionally
restorative and relational moves. Agreement cannot be the basis for
your relationships. In marriages we don’t agree all of the time,
yet we maintain relationship. You shouldn’t expect it from less
intimate connections. We must find our way back to mutual support and
unity. It is up to those of us in faith communities to model what we
believe. We must lead on the road back.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
“<i>Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one
another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit
through the bond of peace.”</i> Ephesians 4:2-3</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-45546834012987635472022-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:002022-12-10T09:52:02.646-08:00Who Are “Your People”<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn5HpKck6zxY9gHo-vrUiPmFQnLZTCNPybPsnK2XVu_7u4xORsKZB97ih3BILboKqVfyT2ziwy3ZzMZyrGWzoDMtJ6hToZ1MmxHaoCp6LnZeECWrVTAp19MAW41qr-qeqRz8mQwhe8s0dqJV2rJD7Gk0iSJKOoz-wO4xC8X1WqSP-9aShPxjlpeilh/s5184/erika-giraud-b_zi7R-qIdQ-unsplash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3456" data-original-width="5184" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhn5HpKck6zxY9gHo-vrUiPmFQnLZTCNPybPsnK2XVu_7u4xORsKZB97ih3BILboKqVfyT2ziwy3ZzMZyrGWzoDMtJ6hToZ1MmxHaoCp6LnZeECWrVTAp19MAW41qr-qeqRz8mQwhe8s0dqJV2rJD7Gk0iSJKOoz-wO4xC8X1WqSP-9aShPxjlpeilh/w640-h426/erika-giraud-b_zi7R-qIdQ-unsplash.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have been doing some reading on brain science lately. It is a
fascinating journey into what many call the last frontier of
exploration into the human body. Of course this is the part of the
body that most affects our counseling world. It is where everything
is stored and processed. The brain is where secure attachment is
formed, or wires get crossed.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The Good News</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Our brains are perfectly designed to provide the structures for
successful living. Between both lobes of the brain we are able to
sustain physical functioning as well as mental and emotional acuity.
The more we learn, the more we are able to understand and correct
damage or errant programming.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
We are learning that the greatest source of mental health and joy
comes from stimulating the right hemisphere of the brain. This is the
creative side that is wired for human connection. When we are around
others who delight in us, we thrive. It is probably easiest to
comprehend when we think of a parent looking into the face of their
baby. The left lobe of the brain, which processes language, is not
yet online. It is simply through visual connection that the baby
receives the message that they are loved. That never changes. Who
lights up when they see you? Those are “your people”.
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The Bad News</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Studies have shown that since at least 2013 there has been an
increase in isolation, with a major jump during the pandemic years.
We have become accustomed to life online in so many areas. There is a
huge convenience in being able to do many things virtually. We now
pay bills, do our banking and shopping without having to leave our
homes. Entertainment is delivered to our devices. But we lose contact
with other human beings. I am grateful that we have the time saving
benefit of many of these things, but instead of using the time gained
to connect with others, we often just spend more time alone. And the
result? It has been suggested that this is the primary reason for the
massive escalation of depression and anxiety that we have been
experiencing. And it is particularly evident in children and younger
people, especially teens.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The Fix – <span style="font-style: normal;">Make God’s People Your
People</span></h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">It should be easy to figure out that reducing isolation and spending
more time with “your people” will increase the levels of joy in
your life. Introverts will probably need more “one-on-one” time,
and extroverts more “one-on-many”. And other people need you to
show up to be their source of joy as well. We are natural imitators
of others, and that can be a good thing when the people we want to be
like are moral, healthy (relatively speaking) and endeavoring to grow
emotionally, spiritually and relationally in love and kindness. This
is a picture of Christ’s intended church. You probably don’t need
more information in you life, at least not the kind you get from
endlessly scrolling the Internet. What you<i> do</i>
need is more connection. More laughter. More joy.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">If you haven’t already, make God’s
people your people. We are hardly perfect, but we are headed in the
right direction. Join us. Connect with us. </span>
</p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-61186243367114255042022-11-22T10:10:00.002-08:002022-12-27T16:38:23.659-08:00 NOISE<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5AhVgGP_V4e1DBoTDsuAUWWAEMS2QMBdczTyFvmkbrH_UDh6fhHKKmViA9JSKWGbMCKyFiOlmHtepkHcXNhuOwb72t4sD-8uIlCHiWxSIn3YcB9Ab13EMLoG5KVSg4bc6X0QYZBJaIf4cnyeM4FZ-YIbHIbobXDvaI7JAoFlVF2h1_MFNnA32GMj3/s600/Stressed%20Man.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5AhVgGP_V4e1DBoTDsuAUWWAEMS2QMBdczTyFvmkbrH_UDh6fhHKKmViA9JSKWGbMCKyFiOlmHtepkHcXNhuOwb72t4sD-8uIlCHiWxSIn3YcB9Ab13EMLoG5KVSg4bc6X0QYZBJaIf4cnyeM4FZ-YIbHIbobXDvaI7JAoFlVF2h1_MFNnA32GMj3/w640-h426/Stressed%20Man.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p align="center" class="western" style="font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #3b4351;"><span style="font-family: Liberation Serif, serif;"><span><i><b><br /><span style="font-size: medium;">Sound
that is loud, unpleasant, unexpected, or undesired. A loud outcry or
commotion.</span></b></i></span></span></span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 115%;">I have
always been sensitive to noise. Not sound. Sound has been one of my
biggest joys in life. You all know what I mean – music, laughter,
rain, voices of the people we love. Sound is truly a gift from God.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 115%;">Noise, on
the other hand, comes in many forms and is not necessarily auditory.
There are unwelcome sounds, like the barking of a dog when we are
trying to sleep, helicopters or jet airplanes that seem like they are
about to land in our living room. We could all name many more sources
of unwelcome sounds. But for me, those are not the most troubling.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 115%;">The noise
of negativity, fear and emotional conflict is the loudest and most
distressing. It is like a huge vacuum cleaner sucking up joy and
peacefulness. And I let it happen. Sometimes I even pursue it. Or
create it. At the least I feed it.
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 115%;">As a
counselor I spend a lot of time trying to help people reduce the
emotional noise in their lives. Inaccurate beliefs, misinformation
and trauma all create a mind full of chaos. The result is confusion –
a lack of clarity. When we can’t see beyond the noise we might
become impulsive, compulsive or frozen.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 115%;"><i><b>Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it. Psalm 34:14</b></i></p>
<p style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #001320;">I don’t
know if I can call doomscrolling evil, but I can safely call it
unproductive and feeding on garbage. It adds to the noise and it
never produces peace. It produces all kinds of pessimistic feelings.
Fear, sadness, powerlessness and anger are all the outcome of hours
spent entertaining oneself with negative social media. Looking for
the worst in people we interact with is a type of emotional
doomscrolling.</span></p><div style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: #001320;">There
are at minimum two things that every human being needs to thrive
emotionally: love and safety. Studies have shown that deprived of
these, we will also suffer physically. In the extreme, the lack of
either of these two conditions will produce trauma that may take
years to unravel.</span></p></div>
<p align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="color: #001320;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></p>
<h4 style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #001320;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So how
do we turn down the noise?</span></span></h4><div><span style="color: #001320;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="color: #001320;">On the
receiving side we must distance ourselves from the sources that
produce the noise. Some years back I had become addicted to talk
radio programs. I had to break the habit. I was feeding more on the
media and less from the word of God. I changed my listening diet.
Much earlier in my life there were toxic people with whom I had to
restrict or break my connection. It was not easy, but it gave me room
for healthier relationships.</span></div><div><span style="color: #001320;"><br /></span></div><div style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="color: #001320;"><span>On the
giving side we can be the source of kindness. It is a powerful
antidote to all the anxiety and stress that people are enduring these
days. Kind connection. Ready smiles. Gentle words. Patience. Practice
gratitude every day. All of these help to turn down the noise.</span></span></div><p align="left" class="western" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="color: #001320;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></p><div style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #001320;">“</span><span style="color: #001320; font-size: 12pt;"><i>Above
all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in
perfect harmony”<br /></i></span></b><span style="color: #001320;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>Colossians
3:14</i></span></b></span></div><p></p><p align="left" class="western" style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</p><p>
</p><p align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 115%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-12912923766547127272022-10-30T16:48:00.003-07:002022-10-30T18:30:15.042-07:00The Future Of Work<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzoWPmLKhaAJC1qvE_yYWMAi8o7e1R_7LQ9jSWa7E6XZW2G6HtJx0GN7iKWi0MdYLufWg2eqKi-PjhBKOqBYZfDhvt5GOQvlDSv2BI-yiQUv1WjI1qa9pZZYJrsIpO3gqPzpbLWErvDhDgEB3C2M19xMvbZPuAZ09t4PA_JQjLObs3bBqduLSzh8lH/s900/Hybrid-Work.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="900" height="357" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzoWPmLKhaAJC1qvE_yYWMAi8o7e1R_7LQ9jSWa7E6XZW2G6HtJx0GN7iKWi0MdYLufWg2eqKi-PjhBKOqBYZfDhvt5GOQvlDSv2BI-yiQUv1WjI1qa9pZZYJrsIpO3gqPzpbLWErvDhDgEB3C2M19xMvbZPuAZ09t4PA_JQjLObs3bBqduLSzh8lH/w640-h357/Hybrid-Work.webp" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">
Because Nan and I have been primarily working remotely and because I
was a business owner for 27 years, I have a lot of interest in the
subject of the future of work. Since the pandemic, as everyone is
aware, the landscape has dramatically changed. It was like an
earthquake, a volcano eruption or a hurricane hit the way we were
able to conduct our working lives.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b><span style="font-family: georgia;">
All sources that I have read agree on one thing: hybrid work is the
new normal for a great many of jobs.</span></b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Of course there are many hands-on jobs that can only be performed in
the traditional manner. That goes without saying. But many others are
not dependent on physical location. The question becomes what is
optimal for both the employer and employee. That might be two
different opinions.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The self-employed and entrepreneurs have the most autonomy for making
these decisions. Some jobs, by nature lend themselves to the option
of remote work – primarily those that are desk-bound in some way or
another. Others, which are location specific do not have that
alternative choice. Some jobs may place boundaries of a different
kind. Licensure or legal permits may narrow down the possibilities.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">As I read through the many articles and studies that have written in
the last year or so one statistic seems fairly stable. Most people
with the option of WFH (work from home) still prefer to have some
direct contact with others they work with. Employees are most
satisfied when they have flexibility and choice.</span></p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></p><h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Managers Are Stuck In Between</span></h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">
This has been a tough road for management who has to decide on the
productivity of a hybrid arrangement, or even full time WFH. Most
statistics show that productivity does not go down or even may go up
slightly to significantly. What it has revealed is that what has
changed is the time frame in which work is performed. Rigid nine to
five schedules often will have given way to work performed during
alternate times. This is a real benefit to parents and to those who
work best in the early morning or late evening. It changes or
eliminates commute times and may ease traffic patterns. But it often
places additional stress on managers trying to maintain a cohesive
work flow.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">
In looking back at the company we owned, a hybrid schedule could only
have worked for some of my employees – those that did the “front
office” work. Our outside sales force already did not spend much
time in the office (non-productive), but our order fulfillment crew
had to be on the premises. From my viewpoint as a sales associate/owner, in-person contact was highly necessary to build relationships, and although desirable, was
not necessarily essential to maintain clients. Having sold the business eight
years ago, it would be interesting to see how current technology
would have changed us. The rapid growth in the online world over the
last 5 years could have really had an impact.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">
Although it would not have changed our particular space needs, for
many businesses it has. I have already heard of downsizing and office
sharing from some of my current counseling clients. I could see
smaller work groups centered around location, but connected to the
larger entity by video, or even “always on-camera” groups, but
still working from home.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">
I do believe that as time goes on there will be at least a partial
return to the physical office not only by mandate, but also by choice
as the isolation feels less appealing. We are social creatures. We
need each other to thrive, and part of the way we do that is through
our work relationships. Even though Nan’s and my work by
definition is relational, virtual connection is still virtual. We can
feel a difference. And there is a massive difference between an
online versus an in-person church service. Connection is absent –
you are not “known”. </span></p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I would suggest that if your work is
virtual, you find other ways to maintain live connection, perhaps
opting for at least a hybrid work life and in-person church.</span></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-61336666079716901872022-07-24T11:10:00.000-07:002022-07-25T19:08:59.867-07:00It's All About ME!<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHbJ2R-dpcK31rH1uIZ1yiu0S9_WBYSSOdO8tDY-GiNONoyNCFZe-cqPUcj63JFX87s9gbOtatuY5S0MYNyuMR5tG01dV1InHb74xTPzApLkRgbOoYkTmdUn7-44ETCuly3obCVSkAL37j_7cdgCMD-iVL5wM-wvfakOKu4SxmToVZKvv_0lZGX1Xf/s1200/signs-that-a-person-may-have-npd.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="688" data-original-width="1200" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHbJ2R-dpcK31rH1uIZ1yiu0S9_WBYSSOdO8tDY-GiNONoyNCFZe-cqPUcj63JFX87s9gbOtatuY5S0MYNyuMR5tG01dV1InHb74xTPzApLkRgbOoYkTmdUn7-44ETCuly3obCVSkAL37j_7cdgCMD-iVL5wM-wvfakOKu4SxmToVZKvv_0lZGX1Xf/w572-h326/signs-that-a-person-may-have-npd.png" width="572" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="MsoNormal">
One of the more difficult personality types to deal with is
the narcissist. It is generally accepted that when it becomes extreme in a
person, (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) the ability to sustain a
relationship with them can be nearly impossible. If you are married to someone
with NPD, it is necessary to seek professional help. If you are in a dating
relationship with someone you suspect is narcissistic to a pathological degree,
it should be a big red flag – some therapists will tell you to run – and run
fast. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Narcissism, as opposed to healthy self esteem, can be
described as an inflated sense of self importance and excessive self focus. I
am not going to go into theories about the formation of a narcissist or the sub-types here, but simply to help you recognize the signs in yourself or
others. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><b>Mary is a pretty girl
and easily connects with people. Men are naturally attracted to her outgoing
and easy manner. The problem is, every conversation is about her – her life,
her interests, her work and her friends. If you try to share some of you own
experiences, she will always point out how your experiences relate to her own. Eventually
you may become frustrated, but if you express how this makes you feel unheard
or alone, she is unable to empathize with your feelings. Instead she will tell
you how she feels about what you said – usually criticized or angry or some
other defensive emotion. You are aware of how she once again brought the focus
back on herself.</b><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mary probably lacks awareness of how she affects other
people negatively. Or if she is aware, her need for attention overrides her
ability to manage her behavior. It actually may be low self-esteem that
anxiously drives her to maintain the focus on herself. The true narcissist will
always see you as the problem in disagreements. They are superior, and your
inability to recognize that fact is the difficulty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #b45f06; font-size: large;">What does the Bible say about
this?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Romans 12:3 (NLT) Because of the privilege and
authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don’t think
you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves,
measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other translations say that we should have a sober appraisal
of ourselves – neither grandiose nor self debasing. When love is our goal, our
focus will naturally shift to the other person. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can honestly say that it took the transformative power of
God to help me grow in this area. My counselor (also named David) told me that
he believes most men are (at minimum) a little bit narcissistic and most women,
(at minimum) a little bit hysterical. But men can be hysterics, just as women
can be narcissists. And either can be an hysteric (excessively emotional)
narcissist! It is only by the grace of God working in our lives that we can
overcome these character defects. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How about you? Do you see this characteristic in yourself?
Can you commit to grow in this area?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-1170243763047357662022-07-05T11:57:00.001-07:002022-07-05T18:46:48.831-07:00Video Based Care: The Journey<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_I-sl5ia1854Y0WyXLC4QDG9Q2TpL6VrYce7p_ZvnCgaRODHgYZQA-k_nAmsKznczHAWG6C9Xqd7ZoGJ7spgZcQaR8KxaYSfCJKtfHOR7WgpKPtRN07FoIZfy7xDlMw9aWXWCSqekUllKjlZ_6rrgXdowaPzOp9L0rLg7eNexifmaGITqsqnAImBd/s3264/Dave%20Counsel.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2448" data-original-width="3264" height="464" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_I-sl5ia1854Y0WyXLC4QDG9Q2TpL6VrYce7p_ZvnCgaRODHgYZQA-k_nAmsKznczHAWG6C9Xqd7ZoGJ7spgZcQaR8KxaYSfCJKtfHOR7WgpKPtRN07FoIZfy7xDlMw9aWXWCSqekUllKjlZ_6rrgXdowaPzOp9L0rLg7eNexifmaGITqsqnAImBd/w619-h464/Dave%20Counsel.jpg" width="619" /></a></div><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Years before the pandemic hit our shores we were experimenting with
and incorporating video-based care support into The Relationship
Center. We had done a bit of remote support by telephone with individual
clients, which was adequate for some. But when it came to couples in
particular, the telephone couldn’t cut it. I pressed to try the new
video platform and Nan, although skeptical, was supportive.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The first opportunity came when we had a request to do some
missionary support. The connection was spotty, but adequate. It
fueled our interest even more. But the breakthrough came when Nan and
I had a session with an out-of-the-area couple where we were able to
read the body language of the woman, see the emotional shift, and
facilitate her expression through tears. At this point I dug a lot
deeper into the medium.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The next step was client driven. I had a couple of clients who were
complaining about the amount of time the drive to and from their
location took to attend a meeting. I suggested we could try video.
They jumped on it, and in one case saved 90 minutes of travel time.
Another client said they could use their lunch hour at work if we
could do video. Done!</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
At this point, more clients started moving around, but didn’t want
to end our sessions. Some were getting married and moving to a
spouse’s location and others buying houses that they could afford
out of the area. Client by client there were a lot of shifts.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Then the pandemic hit and everything went online. We didn’t have to
scramble. We were set up and proficient at the platform. The only
thing left was to do our best to help clients become familiar with it
and make it as accessible as possible. That has been an ongoing task.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The Upside: No interruption of care</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Since the pandemic clients have done sessions from many locations
(home, car, work, park) and while tending to children, nursing
babies, etc. They have used desktops, laptops, IPads, IPhones,
Androids, Chromebooks, etc. And we have conducted sessions into
distant cities, counties, states, countries and continents. At first
there was some reluctance to the change, but now it is largely
accepted, even if not preferred.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Today there are many possible video platforms to choose from, but
from the beginning we have chosen to only offer those that are secure
and HIPAA compliant. I originally landed on VSee Messenger, VSee
Clinic and Zoom. Seeing that video appears to be built into our
church VOIP (Ring Central), it may become the “go to” in the
future, although we remain with VSee for now.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
The Downside: Understanding some basics about the technology</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">As we progressed we have experienced quite a few shaky connections
and dropped calls. We boosted our service and stabilized our end of
the connection. We followed up with tech departments to check
glitches. What we have found is that almost all of the problems have
been at the client end. Here is what a client can do to minimize
problems and dropped calls.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">1. Use the strongest possible Internet connection possible. This is
most important.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
2. Close all unneeded applications while on your appointment.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
3. Don’t drive during an appointment. Pull over to side of the road
and find a strong connection if you must use your cell phone.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
4. Run the app’s check-up to make sure the video and microphone and
speaker/earbuds are working properly BEFORE THE SESSION STARTS. Each video
platform offers this feature.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
5. If you do get dropped from a call or the connection freezes for
more than a few seconds, don’t panic – exit the call and come
back into the waiting room and wait to be re-admitted.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The biggest downside: no hugs.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-89909787308846840732022-06-21T17:00:00.001-07:002022-06-21T17:00:00.211-07:00Are You One Of The Quiet People?<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIQ5Sknf4DMtx-TU7N1VU56X-5zYmR0lyHrgvdI_PwH_Q93DORDnF73v9wvULoWzAsP_oGgLQ438QrCJZ1fryfYTekAsQy1gjVLn2L5T09KRvuPrVkr7BSlm7B2l9TmjPmmpwS-OeWYlCYF9qmnRSI0IhoJ8nWAMB64dY3nH_6Ac64NrdNAeo7rAr/s560/Quiet_Your_Thoughts_BSP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="560" height="336" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizIQ5Sknf4DMtx-TU7N1VU56X-5zYmR0lyHrgvdI_PwH_Q93DORDnF73v9wvULoWzAsP_oGgLQ438QrCJZ1fryfYTekAsQy1gjVLn2L5T09KRvuPrVkr7BSlm7B2l9TmjPmmpwS-OeWYlCYF9qmnRSI0IhoJ8nWAMB64dY3nH_6Ac64NrdNAeo7rAr/w640-h336/Quiet_Your_Thoughts_BSP.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some time back one of our relatives remarked “You are the quiet
people.” I think it was an interesting way of reframing our
tendency at times to be more than just introverted. It’s not
shyness and it’s not antisocial. I am not exactly sure how to label
it. But I have a high need to withdraw and be introspective a lot of
the time. </p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
might say “I am just not a morning person” because it seems I
require a lot of time in the morning to come alive. But I’m not
sure that is totally accurate, either. It feels more like I am a
computer that downloaded software updates during the night and when I
wake up all that data has to install before I can become operational.
And during that time my need for quiet is intense.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Nan
is a bit different. She might sleep later than me, but she tends to
wake up pretty much “on”. But I know she needs blocks of quiet,
too. Sometimes they coincide with mine and sometimes not. When they
don’t there can be some friction.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This
need for quiet can be interpreted as “unfriendliness” or
arrogance or superiority sometimes. But that is not the truth. It is
more a case of competing needs. Extroverts want to process out loud.
Interaction energizes them – like coffee does for me – a quiet
cup of coffee.
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">How
about you? Are you one of the quiet people, too?</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">If
you are I might suggest over-communicating your need for quiet or
alone time to those around you. Don’t wait until you start to feel
annoyed or irritated. It may seem better to a try to endure, but a
kind request will probably be more effective.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">If
you are not one of the quiet people, you might also need to observe
those you spend time around. Are they starting to withdraw even
though you have not said anything offensive or controversial? You
might want to check out if they are becoming overwhelmed or
overloaded by the conversation. Again, a kind inquiry rather than
taking offense or doing the all too prevalent mind reading or
interpreting will serve you better.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Some
extroverts can’t fathom how painful it is for a shy introvert to be
the center of attention. And some introverts can’t imagine why
anyone would want to get up in front of a group and stand out.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Again,
I don’t necessarily think this just comes down to extroversion vs.
introversion. I think there are variations of temperament or even
traumatic events that need to be factored in as well. For me a quiet
house means all is well. For others, quiet means that people are mad
at each other and something bad is about to happen.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The
best understanding would probably be to say that we exist along a
continuum that represents both extremes, from super quiet to super
expressive. And maybe some of us move along that continuum pretty
fluidly. I have heard people at church declare adamantly to me “NO
WAY are you an introvert.”</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">But
then again, they haven’t seen me at home.
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-82178729920234886042022-06-17T11:21:00.000-07:002022-06-17T11:21:09.352-07:002 Things My Counselor Would Have Done Differently<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkQV0Jh1DA9uaM8p_weO3rcKe09G_fo2o9S_kip7EJqT_-9EJBVx1Z0Oi5qOKvCl2CI54UfbPqi4k3wppYa53g0e4WSigdAcLcSSrOfTZnNFxp-KLELmgli8P6XEsoJuufnMAFC0T_Phq_d5d6laLDlr0c3NSQOovZJjG6CdNb796m6c_Gkv5ZRx7v/s800/prayer2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="800" height="327" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkQV0Jh1DA9uaM8p_weO3rcKe09G_fo2o9S_kip7EJqT_-9EJBVx1Z0Oi5qOKvCl2CI54UfbPqi4k3wppYa53g0e4WSigdAcLcSSrOfTZnNFxp-KLELmgli8P6XEsoJuufnMAFC0T_Phq_d5d6laLDlr0c3NSQOovZJjG6CdNb796m6c_Gkv5ZRx7v/w522-h327/prayer2.jpg" width="522" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some time after my counseling with my therapist David Gatewood ended,
we moved into a season of friendship and mentoring. I remember
spending a day with him when he was participating in a radio program.
On the way to the studio I asked him what he would do differently
after having founded the counseling center and trained so many therapists.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
He had two main points that he shared with me. To me they were
somewhat surprising, but I took them as sage advice. At this point in
my life I was definitely in a student mindset, not realizing I would
become a care provider in the future.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">So what would David would have changed?</p><div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><br /></div>
<h4 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">1. He would not let his clients take their identity from their
pathology.</h4>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
We are first children of God, made in His image. I have struggles.
Perhaps you have struggles. We are not our depression or anxiety or
whatever. He said labeling will fix our identity in the wrong thing.
It may seem like a subtle difference, but when I say I struggle with
depression vs. I am depressed, I am expressing the <i>process</i> I
am in to reach a healthier state. He said that labeling keeps our
eyes fixed on what may feel shameful rather than on Christ who has
the power to deliver us from all of our afflictions.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p>
<h4 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
2. He would not allow most of his clients to stay in therapy as long.</h4>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This point is somewhat related to the above point. The longer we stay
in counseling, the more likely we are to over identify with our
pathology. He said he had shifted his thinking toward hope-focused
language. He believed it would move clients along quicker. One thing
he did with me which made all the difference was describing the
person he saw I was designed to be, and was becoming. It was like
painting a picture of a house that was being built that I was going
to move into when I was ready. We did not primarily focus on the
broken down shack that I was living in that was constructed of the
inferior materials contributed by my family and me. Rather, he was
telling me about the dwelling place that God intended for me to
occupy.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
What gets in the way?</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Although confrontation is a necessary skill for counseling in many
situations, it’s usually unpleasant –and most counselors (and pastors) tend to be people pleasers. Pleaser
personalities can be viewed as having either a positive or negative
effect. They can be peacemakers, but they can also tend to avoid hard
confrontations. I believe it might be one of the reasons that therapy
stretches on so long in some cases.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Another reason may be that the goal of the client might be to <i>feel</i>
better, but not to <i>get</i> better and an unhealthy dependency has
formed with their counselor. This is not always the case, however.
Sometimes there is a legitimate need to have lengthy support,
especially during long term crises situations. One client I had was
dying of cancer and we stayed connected until the end.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Good therapy is informed by science, but it is an art form. There are
many effective approaches, different counseling styles, and various
therapeutic interventions. But all research agrees that a strong
relationship between the counselor and the client is a core and
essential requirement. David has been gone now for a couple of
decades, but I’m forever grateful that I had that with him.</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-3881574039278512752022-05-29T20:49:00.000-07:002022-05-29T20:49:35.808-07:00Feeling Too Much – Feeling Too Little<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpYWmjIWPABLznMclEEaFaD_gyOqIUHsXdnTLMYAV_qyRlVsbUI_OPc6_-VozdS4kLqlps3NYEG5n1KNa7F4DzRZAIaAdz0bPu6l-WVHruxS5CCNHKFvGMl2lJiDrxqkUz52E6zM9m2alpabaI02wQmpCHVtYEIw38lRFK70_hgqel36qUGRsb9oiq/s847/unequal-emotional-labour-can-lead-to-conflicts-in-a-relationship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="491" data-original-width="847" height="373" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpYWmjIWPABLznMclEEaFaD_gyOqIUHsXdnTLMYAV_qyRlVsbUI_OPc6_-VozdS4kLqlps3NYEG5n1KNa7F4DzRZAIaAdz0bPu6l-WVHruxS5CCNHKFvGMl2lJiDrxqkUz52E6zM9m2alpabaI02wQmpCHVtYEIw38lRFK70_hgqel36qUGRsb9oiq/w640-h373/unequal-emotional-labour-can-lead-to-conflicts-in-a-relationship.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
During one of our counseling sessions the other day Nan made a
comment. “We are always encouraging people to express their
‘feelings’, but maybe we need to ask some people to express their
feelings less.” I knew what she meant.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some people are not in touch with their feelings and they minimize or
discount them. Those are the people that need to consider the
relevance of understanding their feelings. Underlying feelings are
still active even if we don’t acknowledge them. They have just been
suppressed. Those feelings will automatically direct our behavior,
only we won’t fully understand what is happening in the moment.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
And unaddressed feelings will often steer us in the wrong direction.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Being overly consumed by our feelings are a liability too. We can
believe that our feelings are accurate because they are so intense
and ever-present. And that can end up in overreactions that do damage
to relationships. We may overrule reality even though our feelings
make no rational sense.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The concept of emotional dysregulation is usually attributed to
conditions of overreacting and over emoting. But those who suppress
feelings may also be dysregulated because they underreact. Properly
regulated emotions are proportional to a stimulus or event.
Dysregulated people often turn to maladaptive coping mechanisms which
cause them additional pain.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have seen women scream when they see a tiny spider. And I have know
men who stand unaffected when witnessing a violent attack. Both are
dysregulated.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">
Why Is This Important?</h3>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The ability to effectively deal with reality is based on the accurate
interpretation of events. The over-reactor adds content that is not
present, but only feared or imagined. The under-reactor subtracts
content that is present and relevant, but not desired by them. Both
are not prepared to manage life circumstances. Too much or too little
is usually a result of learned behavior from past history. It could
be the result of deep wounds, or mimicking the family system they
grew up in.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
In my family I experienced both over and under reactors. And some
family members often vacillated between the two positions. At those
times it challenged the stability of the environment.
Unpredictability leads to fear or chaos. Ask anyone who grew up in an
alcoholic family system.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I believe God wants us to operate with maturity in all areas of our
lives – spiritually, emotionally and physically. The dysregulated
person has regressed to a lower maturity state and can potentially
end up hurting others and sinning. As a result their soul suffers.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So much of the work of counseling done by therapists is helping
individuals and couples learn to manage their emotions and process
their feelings accurately. If this is an area in your life that needs
attention do not put off dealing with it. Your community will thank
you for it.
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-35873298699636865672022-04-12T18:36:00.000-07:002022-04-12T18:36:52.158-07:00The Blame Game – No Winners<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinneckcEM7YH6ilh2M2xEAX71JV9yRjMCMWlGckrCHbY2XpN8E_1wo-shRH0I1L5Fe52MgsPlSmS9bKPI51Hb0fm8wDhrtsoJvoCvqvbx6uGL-8QXLu_tKgFACtZrMifFkRR4taRf5t6fCa_KnnWoRwz6lLx1kO_kENtHoSpYEEVzGPNRilp598COW/s993/blame%20game.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="576" data-original-width="993" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinneckcEM7YH6ilh2M2xEAX71JV9yRjMCMWlGckrCHbY2XpN8E_1wo-shRH0I1L5Fe52MgsPlSmS9bKPI51Hb0fm8wDhrtsoJvoCvqvbx6uGL-8QXLu_tKgFACtZrMifFkRR4taRf5t6fCa_KnnWoRwz6lLx1kO_kENtHoSpYEEVzGPNRilp598COW/w502-h292/blame%20game.jpg" width="502" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p></p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This is one of those tough subjects to deal with in counseling. It is
so common to want to point out other people’s faults, especially
when we feel hurt and upset. But it rarely leads to any kind of
positive outcome, <i>even if we are right</i>, maybe especially when
we are right. When we blame others it will undoubtedly create a
defensive posture in the other person(s).</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Often
I hear someone who is in full blame mode say:</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">“But
I am just expressing my feelings.”</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">No,
not really. You may be feeling wronged, hurt, sad, scared, frustrated
or a lot of other feelings, but when you blame someone your intention
is to make the other person feel bad or admit that they are wrong and
responsible for your feelings. That is not the same thing at all.
Blaming is the acting out of your interpretation and processing of
your feelings. It is a response, not a feeling.
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">When
I make a statement like “She made me angry.” I am saying that
someone else has power and control over me. Blaming feels like a way
of taking back control of myself, but really it’s a verification
that I am out of control.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
must admit that I can fail at this pretty easily when I am
overwhelmed. It’s so much easier to blame someone than it is to do
the work of trying to understand, empathize or forgive. Blaming will
shut down a dialog and damage a relationship. If you are like me, the
process takes place rapidly in my head. I take offense and I want the
other person to know it. Even if I don’t let the words come out of
my mouth, my attitude and demeanor transmitted by my body language
can say everything that I am itching to announce verbally.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Two
anchoring Bible verses for me have been:</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0.5in;">James 1:19 which says: <i>“Understand this, my dear brothers and
sisters: You must all be </i><i><b>quick</b></i><i> to listen, </i><i><b>slow</b></i><i>
to speak, and </i><i><b>slow</b></i><i> to get angry.”</i>
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0.5in;">Matthew 12:36-37 (Jesus speaking)<i> </i><sup><i><b> “</b></i></sup><i>And
I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for </i><i><b>every</b></i><i>
idle word you speak. The words you say will either acquit you or
condemn you.” </i></p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0in; text-align: left;">I read that last verse and I think “I am sunk! I can’t even defend
my words today, let alone every word ever. But then I remember
other verses:</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0.5in;">Romans 5:<i>9 “And since we have been made right in God’s sight
by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s
condemnation.”</i></p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; margin-left: 0.5in;">Romans 8:1<b> </b><i><b>“</b></i><i>So now there is no condemnation
for those who belong to Christ Jesus.”</i></p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I am
restored. Redeemed.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">But
the takeaway from these verses is two things: 1) The speed at which
you do things matters and 2) You have control over yourself. You are
responsible for you and accountable to God.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">There
was an old commercial tag line that said “The pause that
refreshes”. I think that can be applied very nicely in these
situations. Taking a break will always give the rush of chemicals
that assault our brain during a conflict time to settle down. The
crazy leaves and the rational returns.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Make
no mistake about it. There are no winners in the blame game – only
losers.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p></div><p><br /></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-6630720208022935322022-03-31T20:16:00.000-07:002022-03-31T20:16:59.674-07:00I Can’t Breathe - Constrictive Relationships<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lMOUDU36exM/UU4CuzTmpUI/AAAAAAAAAUo/eqwza7bHlGM/s1600/Can't+Breathe.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="380" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lMOUDU36exM/UU4CuzTmpUI/AAAAAAAAAUo/eqwza7bHlGM/w507-h380/Can't+Breathe.jpg" width="507" /></a></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you wake up
in a cold sweat, heart pounding, gasping for air, like something heavy is pressing
on your chest? It’s a really unpleasant experience. I have had several of those
in recent memory, but I’m not going to go into dream analysis here. I just want
you to connect with the feeling.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #b45f06; font-size: large;">Sometimes relationships can feel a bit like my dream. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One of the more pleasant tasks of counseling is helping
couples decide whether they should move forward towards engagement and
marriage. We use assessments and other materials to evaluate the relationship,
but often the feedback we give a couple is based on our intuition or
perception. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With many couples the exchanges between them are easy and
lighthearted. They listen well and respond appropriately. You can feel the love
and respect. They act as cheerleaders for each other. These are the couples
where it is easy for us to recommend going ahead with marriage.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But for some couples the atmosphere feels more like my
nightmares – constricted and difficult. In marriage it usually only
intensifies. What I mostly find at the root of the problem is a lack of trust resulting
in attempts to control everything possible in the relationship. You may put
pressure on your partner to account for their whereabouts at all times. You may
require your partner to think like you, and never disagree. Your conversations
feel more like interrogations to your partner. Your partner walks on eggshells
around you or around certain subjects. In short, they want to run away.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why might you lack trust?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Earlier abandonment – you have experienced
emotional or physical withdrawal from people who should have remained steady
and supportive for you. As a result you feel unsafe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Your partner really isn’t trustworthy – they have
proved time and again that their promises can’t be relied upon. Or perhaps they
have been unfaithful and you have not fully dealt with the issue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Anxiety and fear – often the byproduct of
abandonment is insecurity and a heightened anxiety in relationships. Even when
there are no indicators that you should mistrust your partner, fear drives you
to try to control them. This usually results in your partner trying to pull
away to get some breathing room.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->Disorders – when you suffer from a more extreme
form of anxiety (such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), or a personality disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Narcissistic
Personality Disorder you may have a particularly tough time restraining your
need to control. These are issues that must be dealt with professionally. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><!--[endif]-->You have not been trustworthy and are projecting
your feelings onto your partner. You have not confessed and repented of the sin
in your life and been forgiven. Perhaps you haven’t forgiven yourself, either.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The solution is to work on your issues before you destroy a
relationship that you care about. Optimally this should be done before entering
into marriage. But some things crop up during marriage and the quicker you
recognize and deal with them the sooner you will experience health and
happiness. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-53321962088801346522022-03-20T18:34:00.003-07:002022-03-20T19:36:04.586-07:00We Need To Talk!<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjS143zmTr-eltWyPPA91liwGb-RNqfhhY5lsBNpDINgQN57XI5yO-2nM9gEJi1G8AUeplmaam99M64WLe53hQTNPmq1Fi7UwmSZ2chJKrdH2NV-tOYISjZ0nQsBPirPNMY9y3Ux4s-xA6-peespv27_3ga05qMyDXgB2CPT55HVFw6-cCNkZXSQRh/s2108/184796976.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1226" data-original-width="2108" height="371" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjS143zmTr-eltWyPPA91liwGb-RNqfhhY5lsBNpDINgQN57XI5yO-2nM9gEJi1G8AUeplmaam99M64WLe53hQTNPmq1Fi7UwmSZ2chJKrdH2NV-tOYISjZ0nQsBPirPNMY9y3Ux4s-xA6-peespv27_3ga05qMyDXgB2CPT55HVFw6-cCNkZXSQRh/w640-h371/184796976.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p></p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
There is probably no phrase that a woman can utter that strikes
terror in the heart of a man more than:</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">“We
need to talk!”</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Guys
hearing this may start to feel their heart rate climb, their blood
pressure escalate, and the anxiety and fear level skyrocket. Calm
down guys, I will interpret this for you.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">What
you hear is: “You’re in trouble, mister!” (The little boy
inside the man sees danger ahead)</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">What
she most likely means is: “I have an unmet expectation that I want
to discuss.” (The little girl inside the woman is feeling…..
something.)</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
want to emphasize that her expectation may or may not be realistic.
At this point it is inconsequential. Again, calm yourself down, put
on your listening ears and make some time for her. This will
deescalate her emotions, even if it doesn’t seem like it to you at
the moment. She may hold an expectation that you <i><b>can</b></i>
actually meet that will not be as painful as you fear.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Single
ladies (in particular): a word of caution. Be very careful when using
the phrase “We need to talk about ‘The Relationship’”. These
days those are hot button words. You don’t want a guy to go all
defensive on you. “The Relationship” is really you and him. It
does not exist outside as a separate entity. There seems to be a lot
of anxiety around DTR (determining the relationship), but it doesn’t
need to be that way. Having a non-anxious conversation might be as
easy as choosing a better way to initiate a discussion.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">So
what might be a better conversation starter?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">How
about: “I have some thoughts. Would you be willing to listen to
them?” or “I’ve
been thinking about you (us) lately and would like to process some
things.”</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">He
(or she) may still be skeptical, but will be less likely to throw up
the deflector shield. A sure way to steer the conversation in a good
direction is to lead with an affirmation. It could be anything. “I
know you’ve been working hard” or “I know you never intend to
hurt my feelings…” Any phrase like that is likely to reduces
defenses and pave the way to a better discussion.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
have written this before, and I will state it again. Before you bring
up a volatile or touchy subject, be sure to check your anger at the
door. If you need to emote, do it where it won’t be heard by the
one you are upset with. Process with a trusted same sex friend if
need be. Then bring the “sanitized”, less toxic version to the
other person. <a class="sdendnoteanc" href="#sdendnote1sym" name="sdendnote1anc"><sup>i</sup></a></p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">You’ll
thank me later.</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0Los Angeles, CA, USA34.0522342 -118.24368495.7420003638211554 -153.3999349 62.362468036178846 -83.0874349tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-71399001081804582562022-03-14T15:09:00.000-07:002022-03-14T15:09:26.309-07:00The Problem With Disagreement<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEigocTvsSjH6urxcQFw7NS3K1s-2ZbMzUsn_7GLMFu2qmDsatFcmtwWHnztBl8ZcFULKprtSTBNCo3SEcl_vrPTOAzyxGfQbQAhwFo3hw5H11IdpGumT5BLc2IQWb30qJG2Nk9-iAO4CDMDD1vF4ZMp1YpDLMppgWuTYzUYb1GeHtQvMZP2Km3bh-rx=s692" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="292" data-original-width="692" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEigocTvsSjH6urxcQFw7NS3K1s-2ZbMzUsn_7GLMFu2qmDsatFcmtwWHnztBl8ZcFULKprtSTBNCo3SEcl_vrPTOAzyxGfQbQAhwFo3hw5H11IdpGumT5BLc2IQWb30qJG2Nk9-iAO4CDMDD1vF4ZMp1YpDLMppgWuTYzUYb1GeHtQvMZP2Km3bh-rx=w495-h209" width="495" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
One of the perspectives I seek out in counseling is what I call
“continuum thinking”. It is my resistance to all or nothing,
either/or, polarized viewpoints.
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This
morning I was thinking about what annoys me so much about a lot of
the discourse that takes place on social media, other public or
private settings and with couples on the counseling couch. And it is
this: the vehemence with which some people will hold their opinions.
I have been guilty of this, and if you are honest, you probably have
been too.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The
continuum I am referring to in this case is based on the intensity
that is exhibited during one of these “discussions”.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Disagreeing
____________________ Argumentative _____________________ Abusive</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
would judge the level of maturity as declining from left to right on
the above chart.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
have observed that people will often hold their opinion as “Truth
or Fact” when it is simply their perspective, or they are repeating
someone else’s. There <i><b>is</b></i> objective truth, but our
emotional connection to certain issues will sometimes confuse or
blindside us. We must be very careful that we hold our opinions
gently so that we do not create relational distance and chaos.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">When
it comes to social media, there is a lot of hearsay, as well as sound
bites that are taken out of context. We can become victim to these
repetitions and become part of the problem if we are not careful.
Once we put our words out there, they are hard or impossible to
retract. They might follow us around for a long time after our
opinion has changed. I would ask you to consider carefully before
speaking or posting anything in anger or haste.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Nan
and I have both experienced people that have not been able to
accurately place their behavior on the above chart. I have seen some
believe they are disagreeing when they are really being very abusive
– and others who will label their partners as abusive when they are
really just not agreeing with them. This is one of the reasons why an
outside perspective can be so helpful. The way a person sees things
can be a huge blind spot. We need others to lovingly confront us at
times. And it should be our goal to lovingly present our
disagreements to others.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">There
are those who believe that they have a right to express themselves to
others anytime they desire. It may be true that they have the ability
or power to do that, but I would suggest that along with that power
comes responsibility. That responsibility is to keep the positive
goal in mind. It is very unlikely that someone will be convinced by
negative, argumentative, defensive or hostile communication. Rather
they will probably withdraw or become more resistant. If your need is
to be heard, then process your feelings alone until you can present
them in a receivable way.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I’m
feeling pretty passionate about this right now because I have seen
some real relational ruptures lately. Friends turn on one another,
people leave the church, and couples split up. When this happens we
have not displayed the kind of unity that Christ has called us to as
a believing body. We have let politics, social issues and specific
theologies divide us from our ultimate purpose. How would you
respond?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 150%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: system-ui, -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Noto Sans", sans-serif, Arial; font-size: 16px;"><i>"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others." James 3:17</i></span></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-48081202575922701882022-02-21T18:05:00.004-08:002022-02-21T18:13:06.089-08:00The Five Stages Of Change<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjn9pPE5KgjyZv43m8aVS63krJQvsYumK4L6j62I4uxXUdyRpBUkAJ94X9kJ-5UkXNwO0d2Fg2X9ZlQKFLGvQRzreWuUcXvALb75U0vWflBMyY1Ph3hwO8XUYcDpecyjR647rwZ5sIdZ1FLR1rsjJ7gG6mc6tMnubBp7sD_rXbKvkBlK-tMd8QADSbU=s499" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="336" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjn9pPE5KgjyZv43m8aVS63krJQvsYumK4L6j62I4uxXUdyRpBUkAJ94X9kJ-5UkXNwO0d2Fg2X9ZlQKFLGvQRzreWuUcXvALb75U0vWflBMyY1Ph3hwO8XUYcDpecyjR647rwZ5sIdZ1FLR1rsjJ7gG6mc6tMnubBp7sD_rXbKvkBlK-tMd8QADSbU=w332-h320" width="332" /></a></div><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
We have said it before. We have written about it before. Real change
is real hard.
</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I was reminded of this recently when I was reading through a book
written by a therapist. She was presenting the Transtheoretical Model
(TTM) of change (<span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span>Prochaska
and DiClemente</span></span></span></span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Verdana, sans-serif;"><span>)</span></span></span></span>.
It is the idea that change happens in stages. This particular model
has 5 primary stages, although I have heard of other models having up
to 8 stages.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I think it is helpful to expect change to occur over a period of
time, rather than all at once. I have a friend who was struggling
with substance abuse who was able to make a radical pivot in his life
and never look back. He stands out in my mind because this kind of
change is rare. Yes, there are miracles – and we pray for them. But
mostly we have to do the hard work to acquire the results we desire.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">So what are the stages of the TTM model?</h3><div><br /></div>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Stage 1: Precontemplation</b></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">This is the denial stage. There is
little or no awareness that a change is needed. It will probably take
some sort of trigger event to move someone into the next stage. It
might be a severe medical warning from a doctor or a threat of
divorce.</span></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Stage 2: Contemplation</b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This is the phase where a person
starts thinking of the pros and cons of making a change. The denial
is broken, but the reality of the challenge becomes apparent. Will it
be worth it? It is <i>really</i>
necessary? Can I do it?</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Stage 3: Preparation or D</b><b>etermination</b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">In this stage a person will not
just think about the change, but make the decision whether to move
forward or abandon the change. They may take some action. For example
they might inquire about a therapist, coach or program. Or they may
gather materials needed for the change and start educating
themselves. This is also the stage that lends itself most to procrastination.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Stage 4: Action</b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This is the stage where there is a
behavioral change. The diet program is followed. Morning devotions
are started. Their attitude becomes positive and encouraging instead
of critical and angry.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="font-weight: normal; line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><b>Stage 5: Maintenance or Perseverance</b></p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">For me, this is the hardest stage.
It means breaking a pattern or habit. I seem to be able to make
temporary changes pretty easily. It’s keeping it moving that is
hardest for me and probably for most. I have always told clients that
my definition of trust is consistency over time. Often couples in
counseling can be nice to each other for a short time, but then fall
back into their bad habits.</p>
<p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Every stage of the change process
can benefit by being covered in prayer. But I am thinking that
praying Psalm 139: 23-24 for stage 1 might be a great start.</p><p align="left" class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><div style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: black;">“</span></span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial;">Search
me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious
thoughts. <br /></span></span></span></span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial;">Point
out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of
everlasting life.</span></span></span>“</span></div><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-47245350654634221152021-10-10T13:55:00.001-07:002021-10-10T13:56:21.829-07:00Patience Please! External vs. Internal Processors<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gKlLjtlwQ2A/YWNRJUWzeCI/AAAAAAAADuk/BWOPDWOssSM2Dcble3ZzNc-T5rfmP25rQCLcBGAsYHQ/s850/picture-books-about-patience-feature.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="850" height="374" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gKlLjtlwQ2A/YWNRJUWzeCI/AAAAAAAADuk/BWOPDWOssSM2Dcble3ZzNc-T5rfmP25rQCLcBGAsYHQ/w522-h374/picture-books-about-patience-feature.jpg" width="522" /></a></div><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I often talk about how anger is one of the responses to the feeling
of fear. But fear and anger also lie next to each other as primary
motivators for our behavior. We know this as the fight or flight
response that is very familiar to all of us.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">In
the book <i>Dealing With The Elephant In The Room, </i>author Dr.
Mike Bechtle asserts that our responses will be modified by whether
we are introverted or extroverted.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">He
says that anger motivated extroverts will bring high energy to a
conflict whereas introverts will just withdraw into quiet resentment.
And fear motivated extroverts will respond with high anxiety, while
the introverts will quietly become resigned to the situation.
Ambiverts will probably vacillate between responses depending on the
person they are dealing with at the moment.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">If
we can divide the two groups into either external processors
(extroverts) or internal processors (introverts), it will help us to
stay in relationship with each other when we hit a tough spot.</p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">What's Your Style?</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">During
a conversation, the external processors have not reached a conclusion
yet. They are coming to an understanding “on the fly”, and it can
be difficult to listen to their processing without becoming alarmed
by the content or the intensity. But it is important to realize that
they are not finished. Where they started out in their thinking and
where they finish might be miles apart. It is wise to just listen and
wait.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">On
the other hand the internal processors need time to gather their
thoughts. They should not be forced to come to a conclusion right on
the spot. This can be frustrating for the extroverts, but a better
result can often be achieved by letting the person process alone and
then come back later with a more thought out response.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">This
really describes Nan and me in our conversations about things that
need to be decided. I really need process time. If she presses for an
immediate decision on something, she can almost always be guaranteed
a “no” reply. This is especially true when it involves social
interactions or events. Given time I can often (sometimes?) become
more comfortable with a “yes” response. This can, of course, be
wearisome for her. But it’s not as frustrating as hitting an
immovable object.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">There
is a common denominator in dealing with both styles. They both
require patience. The introvert must be patient while listening to
the extrovert, and the extrovert must be patient while waiting for
the introvert to come to a thought-out conclusion. This can be
difficult for both of them, but it will help to avoid a negative
reaction. One of the fruits of the Spirit is patience, and it is
necessary to navigate these interactions whether we are both
introverts, both extroverts or opposites. So seek to be filled as you
pursue connection.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span><i><b>Galatians
5:22-23 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives:
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,</b></i></span><sup><span><i><b>
</b></i></span></sup><span><i><b>gentleness,
and self-control.</b></i></span></p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-14390099912315849462021-09-25T19:53:00.000-07:002021-09-25T19:53:48.064-07:00The Complaint Gene<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsmxCf97QEA/YU_dRsCALdI/AAAAAAAADtw/JzqD5hI0Z1U2w1cqc8UUu3djE3MNIPlswCLcBGAsYHQ/s2000/o-BOSS-EMPLOYEES-FIGHTING-facebook.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="2000" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsmxCf97QEA/YU_dRsCALdI/AAAAAAAADtw/JzqD5hI0Z1U2w1cqc8UUu3djE3MNIPlswCLcBGAsYHQ/w640-h320/o-BOSS-EMPLOYEES-FIGHTING-facebook.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Nan has a term she uses in session fairly often. She calls it the
“complaint gene”. She describes it as the built-in tendency to
verbalize every negative thought. And these people hold a false
belief: that it will motivate others to comply with their wishes. Of
course it is most likely to do just the opposite.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">We
all know that people who will complain <i><b>to you</b></i> about
others, will complain <i><b>about you</b></i> to others. The Bible
calls this gossip and it is a sin. We are called to be up-lifters of
others, protecting reputations and silencing rumors.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">The Negativity Is Multilayered.</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
believe the first layer is an unawareness of how negative they are
being perceived. The constant complaining just seems normal to them.
When it is pointed out, the humble learner will endeavor to change
their communications.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The
next layer is imperturbability. They hear the feedback but do not let
it affect them. They brush it off as ‘not my problem’, but the
problem of the person who spoke up. They will just continue in the
bad behavior as if they never heard.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The
next level is a disordered personality. You can usually tell when
this is present because you will be met by hostility or significant
defensiveness if you bring up the issue. I would say that there are a
couple of possibilities here as well.
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p>
<h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">My
Rights, My Wrongs</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">These
people hear you, they may even agree with you at some level and yet
they really don’t care. They believe they have a “right” to
express themselves and force you to hear them. If you don’t, they
will turn against you in anger or withdraw in angry silence and
resentment.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Then
there is the person who, when confronted, will tell you that you are
wrong, how offended they are, and determine how they will punish you
for even thinking that way. These people do not usually withdraw, but
are aggressive in their anger.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Yes,
life can be difficult and a certain amount of mild complaining
releases some of the stress. And yes, complaining is better than
criticizing. (If you start a communication with “you”, a critical
remark is probably on it’s way out of your mouth.) But if you do a
lot of either, get ready for people to distance from you and judge
you as not a safe or pleasant person to be around.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">The
Bible tells us to focus on the positive as a way of life. At the time I wrote this post our church had been camping in Philippians chapter 4 for a few weeks.
Verse 8 says this:
</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><i><b>And
now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on
what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and
admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of
praise.</b></i></p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">We
must fill our minds and hearts with gratitude, even when life is
tough. It the antidote to anxiety and depression. And it keeps us
from pushing others away. So check your DNA. Do you need to trade in
your complaint gene for something more positive?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><i><b>A
good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart,
and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil
heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.</b></i> (Luke
6:45)</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-74163538293684212112021-09-22T17:41:00.001-07:002021-09-22T17:41:49.312-07:00Belonging<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h9jeEiB_-h0/YUvEB5QzdhI/AAAAAAAADro/LgQQ2qjX_3cQWENJDRe1OWMDjY2tMVyBgCLcBGAsYHQ/s788/belonging.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="443" data-original-width="788" height="290" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-h9jeEiB_-h0/YUvEB5QzdhI/AAAAAAAADro/LgQQ2qjX_3cQWENJDRe1OWMDjY2tMVyBgCLcBGAsYHQ/w514-h290/belonging.jpg" width="514" /></a></div><br /> I was remembering attending a memorial for a friend this week. These
events are always bittersweet for me, and I’m sure for everyone
else.. We celebrate a life while at the same time mourning the loss.
They grab our attention and trigger all sorts of feelings. Perhaps
the younger people don’t fully comprehend the shortness of life,
and the value of not wasting energy on things that don’t matter.
But many who attended surely do.<p></p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">As I
looked around the room and recognized so many old and new friends I
was struck by an intense feeling of belonging. These are my people.
This is my extended family. Many of the folks that were in that room
would care if something happened to me, just like they cared about
our friend. The feeling was “We lost one of ours.”</p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">The Risk Of Isolation</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">People
who isolate, whether physically or emotionally do not experience the
“belonging” that I am talking about. There are few intimate
stories that can be related about them. But those who have risked
being known will have many who can speak about them in detail.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
think the “anonymous” groups like AA are successful because they
create a sense of belonging. It doesn’t matter that the reason for
being there is the result of pain and error. What matters is the
acceptance and the sense of belonging. Like it or not, these are “my
people.” Often there is a fierce loyalty that is created.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
have spent many of my years in shallow relationships, afraid to be
known. That is a form of emotional isolation. It took a lot of intentionality to break free from operating
defensively. Perhaps you can relate. I am not saying that we should
develop intimate relationships with everyone. Far from it. Not
everyone is safe and worth the risk. But we must find a place where
we can belong and seek out the connections that will hold up under
stress.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Some
people believe they have no relational need outside of their nuclear
family. I have seen too many very unhealthy families to agree with
that position. Especially when we come from a broken family we need
to belong to an extended, supportive group. I am not suggesting that
we abandon family (except under dire circumstances), rather just not
make the family our exclusive relational world.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Some
groups that we belong to are temporary or transitional, like school
or work related. Others are more permanent like our church or career.
I was in several bands in the early years, but mostly one career. The
intensity of the feeling of belonging in each was related to my
investment. The more I invested (risk involved) the stronger the
sense of belonging.</p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><h3 style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;">The Healthy Church</h3>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
believe that a healthy church (God’s family, not the building) can
be the most genuine expression of belonging that is available to us.
Yes, belonging to this family can sometimes be challenging because it
is made up of people. However, the underlying stated values, when
followed, will be self correcting. These values include love,
forgiveness, humility, peacefulness, patience, kindness and many
more. When these values are held as essential goals, who wouldn’t
want to belong?
</p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-27191602502629443092021-08-25T18:02:00.000-07:002021-08-25T18:02:05.915-07:00Ripped Off By FOMO<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_Eo2yZqqHs0/YSbmMTcqVXI/AAAAAAAADqI/NUFdnuGFou82RHJAzy0lBZogZ1uQuKegQCLcBGAsYHQ/s960/Turkeys.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="616" data-original-width="960" height="385" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-_Eo2yZqqHs0/YSbmMTcqVXI/AAAAAAAADqI/NUFdnuGFou82RHJAzy0lBZogZ1uQuKegQCLcBGAsYHQ/w600-h385/Turkeys.jpg" width="600" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p></p><p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
The premise is simple: because we have a fear of missing out on life,
we stare at smart phones for hours and <i><b>actually</b></i> miss
out on life. It’s sad and it is increasing our levels of
depression, especially in kids and teens.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">It
is true that they are physically safer locked in their rooms staring
at social media, but emotionally they are being compromised. Why?
They are aware of all the things they didn’t get invited to, or are
not able to participate in. And it makes them depressed, sometimes
even suicidal. And it distracts them from homework and joining in
with the family.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Granted,
earlier generations may have sat around the “boob tube”, soaking
in the inane antics of some comedy show. But at least it was a group
activity, usually with some sort of interaction and running
commentary. There was a sense of togetherness that just seems missing
today. But truthfully, there was a bigger world just outside the
front door that was being largely ignored then also.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">How
about us adults?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Are
we much different? I guess our work life or parenting interrupts our
addiction to social media, but it seems like the ubiquitous cell
phone travels with us everywhere. Could it be that by our example we
are actually reinforcing the value of constant electronic connection
to our kids?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">I
didn’t have a smart phone until 2017 (and truth be told I still
have to fully learn it) but I sure have wasted thousands of hours on
my computer. I don’t deny that it has added a lot of value to me as
well, and surely wouldn’t give it up. I mean, how would I know my
schedule? How could I write spelling perfect blogs without it? But do
I really need to know who is angry over whatever?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">As I
get older my real fear is that I will miss out on the one and only
life that God has granted me. I’m scared I will miss out on all the
wonderful things that surround me while I have my nose stuck in a 14”
laptop or a 6” smart phone screen. And I am sad that I am such a
willing participant.</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">Every
night around dusk a flock of wild turkeys walks down to get a drink
from the river. Occasionally they will be joined by a few deer. Ducks
will float down the river on their journey to who knows where. But
many days I miss it because I am nose down in electronic media
gathering useless information. What is it that I am afraid of missing
out on that’s more important?</p>
<p class="western" style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;">There
is a myth that we must carve out quality time for children – but
the truth is that quality moments come in the midst of a quantity of
time. Quality moments can’t be scheduled and they can’t be
manufactured. They just happen, and we want to be there when they do.
And not just with our children. The other people we care about
qualify as well. Sure, we are busy and so we have to do the best we
can within the constraints of life. But even so, if we are absorbed
by FOMO we will likely become a victim of it. Look up, not down.
Don’t get ripped off.</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-70916953454959566542021-08-22T14:10:00.002-07:002021-08-22T14:12:05.056-07:00Unity, Not Polarization<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f21GhvvX8PM/YSK8GaCq-3I/AAAAAAAADpk/h5z0SBSonawSDFpomQACxFiXzPvsJ4aggCLcBGAsYHQ/s1200/Week-of-Christian-Unity-2019.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="968" data-original-width="1200" height="332" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-f21GhvvX8PM/YSK8GaCq-3I/AAAAAAAADpk/h5z0SBSonawSDFpomQACxFiXzPvsJ4aggCLcBGAsYHQ/w411-h332/Week-of-Christian-Unity-2019.jpg" width="411" /></a></div><br /> <br />I, like many people, have been increasingly concerned by the polarization that has been occurring in our world. It has set friends against one another, family members against one another, and Christian brothers and sisters against one another. This is not God’s plan for us. It is actually the opposite. Jesus praying: <br /><br /><i>“I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one—as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. I have given them the glory you gave me, so they may be one as we are one. I am in them and you are in me. May they experience such perfect unity that the world will know that you sent me and that you love them as much as you love me.” John 17:20-23 <br /></i><br />Of course the problem is that we desire for others to move over to our position, rather than us moving over to theirs. It isn’t going to happen. All the social media posting and arguing in the world isn’t going to change people’s positions. It is only going to inflame and further separate us. Look at the last sentence in the above passage. The words unity and love stick out to me. Is that what you are experiencing from others? Is that what you are communicating to others with your words? <br /><br />Polarization gets us focused on right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, and all kinds of us/them dis-unifying thinking. Most often what we are not expressing is truth, but opinion. And those opinions are based on all kinds of emotions, usually fear or anger, not love. <br /><br /><h3 style="text-align: left;">Are you shaming people in the way you express your opinion? </h3><br />Shaming is going deeper than saying “I don’t like what you did”. It is saying “I don’t like who you are. You are defective. If you hold that opinion there is something wrong with you.” But the Bible tells us something different: <br /><br /><i> “I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14 </i><br /><br />If we wish to influence people, we must do it with love and compassion, not anger and criticism. <br /><br /><i> “Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4 </i><br /><br />Our kindness can be our best tool to help people to consider our opinions. We, as believers are called to build up, lift up, encourage, restore, and reconcile. We can not do it by tearing down and destroying people with our words. We must do it with love, seeking the truth, and not by repeating hearsay or gossip. <br /><br />I try my best to obscure inflammatory posts on my social media feeds when I catch them. I see no purpose in letting them stand. It is not that I have no opinions or am cowardly. I simply do not wish to be part of a problem that seems to be increasing and is in opposition to Jesus’s call for us to be peacemakers. <br /><br />Can you be steadfast in the things of God, but yielding in the things of this world? The Bible calls this the battle between the Spirit and the flesh. I know it is very hard when you feel deeply. But, as I regularly communicate in counseling, feelings do not determine reality. <br /><br />I suppose it all comes down to what we value most. <br /><br /><i><b>“But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.” Joshua 24:15</b></i>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-62410309351140463432021-07-18T17:15:00.001-07:002021-07-18T18:34:22.042-07:00Are You One Of The Motivated People?<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0hDST1UoGzA/YPSflFRcW2I/AAAAAAAADkw/8S5MAuhZ6gkdrVSwb-6OGTZsSD3KaBi-wCLcBGAsYHQ/s728/Change.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="598" data-original-width="728" height="406" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-0hDST1UoGzA/YPSflFRcW2I/AAAAAAAADkw/8S5MAuhZ6gkdrVSwb-6OGTZsSD3KaBi-wCLcBGAsYHQ/w494-h406/Change.jpg" width="494" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span>“</span></span><span style="font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal;"><span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>The
colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight
will work with people who are unmotivated to change. If you want your
child, spouse, client, or boss to shape up, stay connected while
changing yourself rather than trying to fix them.” Edwin H.
Friedman</i></span></span></span></span></span></div></blockquote>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">We
tell people all the time that “<b>un</b>asked for advice will
always be received as criticism”. Yet, especially with couples, it
seems to often fall on deaf ears. As I read the above quote from Ed
Friedman, it occurs to me that criticism is a poor motivator for
positive change. And the only change I can expect is the one I impose
on myself. I believe that positive, but realistic self-talk is a key
element in the change process. Getting a grip on my internal
narrative is life changing. My thoughts are powerful. My God directed
dialog (prayer) breaks the mental logjam.</span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>Also,
as Friedman stated, staying connected, not moving against another
person is an important </span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>part
of the process. That’s hard to do when your feelings are high. But
hard is not bad. Sinning is bad. </span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>(</span></span><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span><span face="system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial"><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
“don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go
down while you are still angry”</span></i></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span><span face="system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial"><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span></i></span></span></span></span></span><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; padding: 0in;"><span><span face="system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial"><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: normal;">Ephesians
4:26</span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span><span><span face="system-ui, apple-system, Segoe UI, Roboto, Ubuntu, Cantarell, Noto Sans, sans-serif, Arial"><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-variant: normal;">)</span></span></i></span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">In
counseling we use insight as one of the tools for change. Its
effectiveness is dependent on a client’s willingness to be
influenced by the counselor’s observations. There are those who are
truly desiring to get free of whatever is troubling them and get
better. But there are others whose only goal is to <i><b>feel</b></i>
better, not <i><span style="font-weight: normal;">get</span></i>
healthier. Those are the unmotivated people Friedman is referring to.</span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">It
is easy to spot unmotivated clients. They talk about others, not
themselves. They are world class blameshifters and complainers. In
anger they may set goals for others with a self-righteous attitude.
And their relationships never change or end up getting worse. Why?
They set powerless goals.</span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">I
had a family member who fit into that category. They wanted my ear
for complaints, but did not actually want to change themselves to
make things better. I got bored with the repetitive complaints and I
finally set a boundary (I decided to change myself). I suggested a
prayer partner for the person instead of counseling. The response: “I
just want to be heard. I don’t want to hear about other people’s
problems.” Ouch! The truth. But I held my boundary to not listen to
complaints about others. The result? Crickets.</span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;">This
is not the only possible outcome. Sometimes clients will eventually
understand. In humility they will admit their powerlessness and
accept insight that leads to real progress. They are the clients I
love. Often the hurts have been deep and the defenses have been
necessary for survival. Surrendering means grief or facing fears.</span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;"><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>D</span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>o
you have the courage to look inward for solutions? </span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>Can
you focus on what you can do rather than blame others, even though
they may largely be at fault? Can you shift to a more positive
attitude? Can you just be silent when your words will only escalate a
conflict? </span></span><span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span>Can
you admit that most of what you express may be your opinion rather
than absolute fact, that you might be missing important details? Can
you let God be the judge and not you? I know, tough stuff.</span></span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><a name="en-NLT-25156"></a><a name="en-NLT-25157"></a>
<span style="font-variant: normal;"><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;">“<span face="Verdana, sans-serif"><span><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">And
why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in
your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get
rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log
in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye;
then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s
eye.”</span></i></span></span></span></span></span><span><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="border: none; display: inline-block; padding: 0in;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span><span><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Luke
6:41-42</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-9895116672909683632020-12-19T18:30:00.000-08:002020-12-19T18:30:47.619-08:00Do You Have Toxic People In Your Life?<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WhMHK26ia8Y/X961h0oUTEI/AAAAAAAADVM/dJMh-bimCBkKCU5g2qg_SOAplBUYO3fuQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1000/toxic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="639" data-original-width="1000" height="319" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-WhMHK26ia8Y/X961h0oUTEI/AAAAAAAADVM/dJMh-bimCBkKCU5g2qg_SOAplBUYO3fuQCLcBGAsYHQ/w501-h319/toxic.jpg" width="501" /></a></div><p></p><p style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #141412; font-family: "Source Sans Pro", Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; margin: 0px 0px 24px;"></p><p align="left" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Over the years I have often
talked about balancing the kinds of relationships that we are exposed
to as we move through our daily life. Some relationships we have a
lot of control over and others less so. In our work life, many of the
relationships are predetermined and we take them as they come, making
decisions about how emotionally close we get “on the fly”. It is
much the same with the people that we are related to through family
or marriage. We don’t always have much of a choice.</span></p>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">When
it comes to our friendships, we have a lot more say in who we let
into our private spaces. Those who we judge to be safe people become
candidates to join our inner circle of friends. But if we are
healthy, those who are found to be less safe are understandably held
at a further distance. I have been all about boundaries since I heard
of the </span></span></span></span></span><a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=sr_1_1?crid=SZG725RTLDIG&dchild=1&keywords=boundaries+by+cloud+and+townsend&qid=1601349265&sprefix=Boundaries%2Caps%2C231&sr=8-1"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="color: #ac0404;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Cloud/Townsend
book</span></span></span></span></span></span></a><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> years
ago, and they have saved many a relationship over the years. I still
abide by the wisdom that is presented in their material.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<h3 style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; widows: 2;">
Another Concept</h3>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">From
a separate teaching I have learned to discern </span></span></span></span></span><em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">categories</span></span></span></span></span></em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> of
people that might enter my life. There are VIPs (mentors), Mutuals
(two way relationships), VNPs (very nice people) and VDPs (very
draining people). Within the church I have heard this last group
referred to (a bit more kindly) as EGRs (extra grace required).</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
VNPs are the bulk of the people that we come into contact with. They
are the cheering section of acquaintances that affirm us
as </span></span></span></span></span><em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">we</span></span></span></span></span></em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> accomplish
things, but don’t pitch in to help. The Mutuals are our committed
close friendships that are on the playing field with us. This is
usually a pretty small group of friends that understand that give and
take is required for joining. Even smaller is our VIP group. These
are one-way relationships where, by definition, we get to be on the
receiving end. They are valuable and usually we have to do the
pursuing to establish them.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Then
there is the last group, the VDPs. It is this group that we have to
manage carefully. They will almost always pursue </span></span></span></span></span><em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">us</span></span></span></span></span></em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> and
this is where boundaries become essential. VDPs have the ability to
suck the life out of us – and from this group comes the toxic
people. </span></span></span></span></span><em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Not
all VDPs are toxic</span></span></span></span></span></em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"> –
some are just needy. But all toxic people are VDPs.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<h4 align="left" class="western" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
Toxic People</h4>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
had always seen managing or eliminating toxic people from my life as
a way to protect myself. But recently I have gained a new
understanding about toxic people. We must guard against them not
solely because they are a </span></span></span></span></span><em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">personal
liability</span></span></span></span></span></em><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">,
but because they are a threat to </span></span></span></span></span><strong><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">our
mission</span></span></span></span></span></strong><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
For those of us who are following Christ, our mission is to expand
His kingdom on earth. Our mission might be near (as in service to our
family or career) or far (to the ends of the earth). But toxic people
can distract us from our mission in multiple ways. But one thing in
common is that they will drain us of our focus, our energy, our
emotional well-being or our financial and other resources.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p align="left" style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
<span style="font-size: small;">When we identify someone as
toxic we must make a choice how to deal with them. Sometimes it’s
just easiest to walk away from them. Remove yourself. Other times you
may need to stand up to them and set boundaries. Do it as kindly as
possible, but do it firmly. And remember – setting boundaries is
not the same as maintaining boundaries. With toxic people they will
challenge your limits, often aggressively. Your success will depend
on your commitment to holding strong.</span></p>
<p align="left" style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I
am not going to define toxic people here. That is a much deeper issue
that really needs to be explored carefully. It can touch upon the
subject of evil and you may need help making an accurate appraisal.
One helpful resource is a leadership video by Henry Cloud called </span></span></span></span></span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFRr1Hhq9Xo"><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="color: #ac0404;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">The
Wise, The Foolish and The Evil</span></span></span></span></span></span></a><span style="font-variant: normal;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="letter-spacing: normal;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">.
You may want to check it out.</span></span></span></span></span></p>
<p style="line-height: 100%; margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</p><br /><p></p>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-41774476800483673762019-05-19T17:13:00.000-07:002019-05-19T17:13:22.665-07:00I’m Divorcing - When Can I Date Again?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SlHL9G8tMIA/XOHv1UcEg8I/AAAAAAAACnA/wKJj-Ot6TCogm-tuC6n32NL1-A_yW2tUQCLcBGAs/s1600/DIVORCE-Mediator.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="1500" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-SlHL9G8tMIA/XOHv1UcEg8I/AAAAAAAACnA/wKJj-Ot6TCogm-tuC6n32NL1-A_yW2tUQCLcBGAs/s640/DIVORCE-Mediator.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Over the years <st1:place w:st="on">Nan</st1:place> and I
have had to deal with the changing attitudes in our culture when it comes to
moral issues. Some of them are very controversial. Others are at best <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>reluctantly accepted as something to struggle
with. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Among these issues are premarital sex and living together
before marriage (cohabiting).</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have noticed that the acceptance among believing
Christians has increased significantly in these areas. Even when statistics show
that success and satisfaction in marriage and relationships decreases as a
result of these decisions, there is a resistance to push back against the
cultural pressures. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some will cite financial advantages as to why they cohabit, while
others will point out <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that holding
sexual boundaries are unrealistic given our sex saturated environment. But our
experience is that many that we see are faithful to follow what they understand
to be God’s plan for them as a couple.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As counselors, we try our best to handle these issues with
as much grace as we can without abandoning truth, as we understand it, from our
biblical worldview. However there is one place where we are uncompromising in
our advice and that is the essential need to keep boundaries while going
through a divorce. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
It is very unpopular when we tell people they are not free
to date until they are completely divorced. </h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have a lot of compassion for divorcing people. They have
gone through a lot of pain. They may have been very lonely in their marriage
for a long time. Their spouse may have cheated on them and broken the marriage
vows. They feel a deep need for comfort and to believe that there will be a
positive future. But we do not believe that gives them permission to break <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">their</i></b>
marriage vows. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
God’s grace allows divorce. And sometimes we can support a
divorce. But we also understand that until a divorce is final, it is a
separation, whether physical or emotional. That is why dating must be delayed.
Besides, going from one relationship to another often does not allow for adequate
recovery and healing to take place.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What is interesting is that the same reasons unmarried
couples use to defend cohabiting are also the same ones separated couples use
to justify forming relationships prematurely. And unfortunately many times children
are also brought into this unstable and chaotic mix. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Regardless of the rationalizations that may surface in your
mind, hold fast to your integrity during this difficult, discouraging and
painful transition. Let God and friends be your comfort until you are once
again free to date.</div>
<br />Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-46528655303095126292018-09-04T20:42:00.000-07:002018-09-04T20:42:37.063-07:00Are You Superior?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lTmo7sp5DvM/W49PqMoVqiI/AAAAAAAACfc/PYxQ_dL06eQNrJ5u6KetwvpwuAXWkw65wCLcBGAs/s1600/superior.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="374" data-original-width="700" height="212" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-lTmo7sp5DvM/W49PqMoVqiI/AAAAAAAACfc/PYxQ_dL06eQNrJ5u6KetwvpwuAXWkw65wCLcBGAs/s400/superior.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Every once in a while you meet someone who is perfect. They
are never wrong. God has given them permission to hold the moral high ground.
Sin is what other people do, not them. No, they would never really admit that,
but they just <i>know</i> it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am always amazed by these people when they end up in my
counseling office. When it comes to relationship issues they are 100% <b>not</b> the problem. That’s because they
are, well, superior. They hold lesser individuals with contempt and feel
justified. When we ask them to talk about their part in the relationship
difficulties they are silent. They own nothing because they are blameless.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You find these people on social media, too. They are always
expounding on the ignorance of others – on the issues that morally superior
people like them understand, but that others don’t. Well, unless those others think
like they do. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don’t confuse intelligence and wisdom with superiority.
Superiority is an attitude, a state of mind, not an indication of how smart you
really are. Many very intelligent people are also humble.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is really hard to be in relationship with superior
people. Their arrogance is so off-putting. I know this kind of behavior is
often labeled as low self esteem. Somehow it takes some of the sting away when
we can view them as wounded. But it doesn’t make working on problems any
easier. And it flies in the face of Philippians 2:3 which says:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>"Don’t be selfish;
don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than
yourselves."<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you are with these people they can be quite confusing. Is
it me or is it them who is not seeing clearly? I feel their hostility towards
me, but I’m not sure I’m at fault. They can appear compassionate at times, but
it feels so condescending. What’s wrong here?</div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
Is There a Solution?</h3>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sad news is that often these people don’t change unless
they are faced with a trauma in their lives whose root points inescapably to
them. It might be a divorce or other relationship breakup or a major career
upset. Then the façade starts to crumble.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are in a relationship with a superior person, you should
treat them with kindness, but set definite boundaries, both with them and with
yourself. Self disclosures about your weaknesses will probably be met with
contempt and be used against you. Don’t worry – they will be happy to point out
your flaws. And don’t try to point out
theirs or try to fix them. It will be fruitless and it will open you up
to more of their condemnation. Instead, practice loving detachment. Emotionally
distance yourself as far as is necessary to not get wounded. Sometimes that can
be out of the relationship. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Responding with gentleness, but firmness is what is needed if you see them
beginning to break denial and face themselves. If I am describing you, the most
helpful thing I can recommend is a (Christian) 12 step program.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5240218903053323666.post-16103790805952348022018-08-25T20:47:00.000-07:002018-08-25T20:47:38.238-07:00One Fatal Flaw In Dating<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cawjrGu95Wg/W4IggpnBwUI/AAAAAAAACe4/wpOMVGftgs882y7SiSgA1vAw1KrFWJ4ygCLcBGAs/s1600/Destructive-Relationships.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="456" data-original-width="792" height="230" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cawjrGu95Wg/W4IggpnBwUI/AAAAAAAACe4/wpOMVGftgs882y7SiSgA1vAw1KrFWJ4ygCLcBGAs/s400/Destructive-Relationships.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Many years ago I was standing at the front counter of a
dental office in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Lawndale</st1:city></st1:place>
and the woman behind the desk was listening to Dr. Toni Grant, a radio
psychologist. Dr. Grant was involved in a conversation with a young woman who
was complaining about a relationship that she was in. “What’s wrong with him!”
she whined. Dr. Grant was kind but firm: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“The problem is with you. You choose the wrong type of man. You
are chasing excitement. Don’t you know that all good men are a little bit
boring?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This has stuck with me all these years because it is true –
but I would say it applies to both men and women equally. Bad boys and bad
girls. They are exciting, but you wouldn’t want to marry one, because they are
relationally unstable. They are usually temporary and most often will hurt you
eventually.</div>
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<br /></div>
<h3>
What are the indicators of these personality types?</h3>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li>Their lives are chaotic – financially, relationally, etc.</li>
<li>They take unnecessary or foolish risks – drugs, alcohol, sex,
speeding, spending, gambling, etc.</li>
<li>They keep parts of their lives obscured and secretive.</li>
<li>When things go wrong they blame you, or others.</li>
<li>They advertise but often don’t deliver on their promises.</li>
<li>They leave a trail of broken relationships.</li>
<li>They control the relationship. You are always subject to
their time schedule, desires and expectations. </li>
<li>They are selfish and always have an excuse for their
behavior.</li>
<li>They connect intensely and withdraw intensely. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have been, or are in a relationship with one of these
people I am sure you can add to my list. It can be difficult to break this
addiction to the wrong type. You may think the trade-off is worth it, but I
guarantee you it is not. Eventually the buzz wears off and the pain and damage
remains. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is there hope for you or them? Of course. People can change,
but it is very difficult. Often the question is “Do they (or you) <b>really</b> want to
change?” or “<b>Will</b> they do the work that change requires?”. Going to counseling or
recovery programs is not always an indication of either. It is a start, but not
a finish. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"But don’t just listen
to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling
yourselves." (James 1:22 (NLT)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am not equating the advice of a counselor to the word of
God, but I am saying that hearing alone is not sufficient. We have had clients who
have stayed for quite a long time, but never grew. They knew what to do, but
never followed through. Sadly, they left counseling carrying the same weights
they brought with them the first session. Happily, that is not usually the
case. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you find that you are attracted to the wrong type – take
a break from dating until you make the necessary shifts. If you <i><b>are</b></i>
the wrong type, the same advice stands. You have to become the kind of person
that you want to attract – spiritually, mentally and physically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s easier to add some excitement than it is to cleanup
chaos. A little bit boring is healthy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<br />Dave and Nanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03796812829178315855noreply@blogger.com0